FINDING MY FEELINGS

[sanmagic7]

moondance, so glad you figured out which parts were saying what about your neighbor. very perceptive and self-tuned.  well done! 

sending love and a hug filled w/ continuing clarity! 

[Moondance]

Thank you San  with continued clarity  - need that and love it.

[Moondance]

A thought occurred to me just now. I am thinking about A, on his way back from his trip.

My thought(s) about this may not make any sense just yet but I want to get it down so I can revisit.

First of all I believe I was experiencing an EF prior to A leaving.  I can see now that I was very confused.  It felt like someone put their hand in my brain, grabbed all the parts and shook them up, dropped them and they all feel out of place.  When I typed "all the parts" I thought hmmm??? Perhaps it's that all the different parts were trying to say something all at the same time hence all the confusion??  This really might be making more sense after all.

I have felt this same way so, so many other times.  This confusion, so many different thoughts coming at once not even really realizing what is happening at the time.

With A away I've been able to de-stress, only look after me and I believe a little clarity is coming from that. 

This also fits with the feeling or belief I can't be around more that 1 person.  I get too hypervigilant, overestimated is the word I'm looking for.  Is that because of the different parts I wonder? I will have to read up on parts as all I know about parts is from what has been shared here and my T making reference to a part.

I want to be so much better for A but am afraid I just can't be.  I really don't need to put any more pressure on myself but I would like to do better. I definitely need to communicate more with him.  Like let him know what is happening at the time.  I find that almost impossible.  It takes me weeks to figure stuff out and thats weeks on my own, with minimal brain  stimulation.

I am very anxious about his return and still very much fear he will want to leave me.  Adult ne understand why and that that is his choice of course.  The rest of me screams, terrified that he will make that choice.  Ugh

I am thankful I can see and verbalize how I'm feeling or thinking.  The actual feelings seem frozen though.

[Armee]

It does sound like a lot of conflicting parts all at once, which is very normal. Even for people without a lot of trauma.  I've been doing a bit of parts work, not a ton compared to others here and not in the super formal way. But it does seem to help to notice which parts are present, how they show up in terms of body sensations and emotions, what purpose they serve and thanking them for helping in that way and taking all the points of view into consideration empathetically. Like you would with a group of young children.
It's helped me get to an internal compromise a few times and to understand things at play I had no awareness of (like parts of myself being very angry at other parts for freezing and submitting and other stuff...I had no idea I blamed myself for any of it, but I did). 

I wish you luck with A's return. I know a lot of times people around me have no idea how crazy it is in my head so perhaps you are not scaring A off at all because most of the freaking out is internal only.

[Moondance]

Thank you for this Armee - really appreciated and it's most helpful.

One of T's suggestions from my last session is to learn to sooth my part(s). To close my eyes, go to my 11-12 year old or whatever age and acknowledge the sadness, fear, whatever feeling is there.  And then tell her she is okay, that I'm going to take care of her, let her know she is safe.

I'm to practice being aware of how my body is feeling if no actual memory and put my hand on the body part that hurts providing comfort in that moment. 

One of the things T said that really struck me and I wrote down is "movement stops retraumatization".

****

I have been having internet/phone issues so cable guy came this morning to fix. 

He made a comment about all the scriptures I have posted in my office and asked if I was a christian.

I couldn't answer yes or no.  A split in my head so another part? I don't know?  These are my thoughts on this because they come up all the time.  And since I seem to be having moments of clarity I'm going to write it down to revisit in the context of my conversation with cable guy as i remember it.. I will call him Tim.

I was unable to respond right away.

Tim - well it's simple, its either yes or no.

I mumbled a bit was feeling a bit of pressure. Finally i was able to say, "Yes, I believe in the Lord and always will but I don't pray (well seldom anymore), I don't read or study the Bible and I no longer go to church. (In my mind because I no longer practice these things I'm not a christian). 

Tim - the Bible and prayer is what heals us.

Me - yes, well, the Lord is still with me and I with him. 

Tim - why did you stop or what happened that made you stop?

Me - have you heard of CPTSD?
Tim - no
Me - You've heard of PTSD right - war veterans experience PTSD
Tim - yes
Me - CPTSD is complex PTSD which stems from multiple traumas whether from childhood or adulthood.

Tim - how does that stop you from reading/studying the Bible, prayer or going to church. Because the Bible is so healing you should read it.

Me - well I have difficulty with concentration and taking in what I'm reading or sometimes even taking in conversation.  I easily get over-stimulated making it impossible for me to go to church. And I have experienced religious abuse multiple times which means I no longer feels safe in that environment.  (Just realizing the enormity of this now)  telling I 'should' do something feels like my power of choice is being taken away from me. I told him I understand and see his heart and that his saying I 'should' is not meant in a bad way. Its simply my response to it.

At this point I am feeling emotional, voice starting to crack, crying.  I feel he genuinely cares and whenever I feel that in a semi strong way it touches parts of me that are raw, hurt, missing being cared for. 

Tim - He acknowledges me, my emotion by saying I see you, I see your hearts.   If your okay with it we can pray together before I leave?


Me - no I'm not able to do that but thank you.

********

Just received confirmation that A left at 6 am this morning.

What a day and it's only noon! Geesh!!!
 

[Armee]

WOW Moondance! That's amazing you were able to have that conversation right in the moment with Tim.

[Moondance]

It truly was!

Not sure how that all happened yet! Lol

[Armee]

It's great practice, that's for sure!

[Moondance]

A left U.S. at 6 am this morning
and arrived at 10 pm.

So he left Everett, Washington and arrived in Alberta in 1 day.

He was supposed to stay overnight somewhere but no no no he had to push it. Lol

[sanmagic7]

moondance, that was a cable guy w/ all those questions, assumptions, and judgme4nts?  i think he was way out of line - just my opinion.  i think you dealt with it really well, tho, so congrats to you! well done!

i think the idea of putting your hand on the hurting part to let them know they're safe and cared for is a lovely idea.  i hope you can keep it up.  love and hugs

[Moondance]

Thank you so much San - I hope I can keep it up as well.

I am catching up on some sleep.  I had a 4 hour afternoon nap.  I think I have been operating on adrenaline for the past 2 weeks or so.  And I have been drinking caffeinated coffee (1 per day) which did not help.

********

It's the first day A is back and I can see some of the reasons I felt overwhelmed. 

He talks a lot and repeats the same things over and over.  I have yet to figure out why this is with me, that hearing/listening to people talk has an effect on my brain - I get overwhelmed quite quickly.  I do not react the same way to sounds from the TV- loud sounds, yes but people talking does not bother me the same when hearing from the TV.

Whether I'm doing something else or not does not matter he will talk over it.  I'm certain he's not really aware nor is it done to be hurtful but it triggers me.

I have asked previously or said I'm in the middle of something, let ne finish this first then we can talk.  Unfortunately by then, he has forgotten what he was wanting to say.  He's not been diagnosed with alzheimers or dementia but has some real memory issues.

Anyway I need to find ways to look after myself better. 

Two options come to mind right away.

1.  I can go for a drive
2.  I can go to my room for quiet.

I really like quiet.



 

[DD]

I have a 5 year old that talks non stop. And if not talk, creates sound. I so feel you. With my frazzled nervous system that is exhaustive.

It is a lot harder to take care of oneself when around people who don't for whatever reason listen to what you're saying and respect that. Go easy on yourself. The fact you're able to ask them to wait IS taking care of you. It's a BIG thing already.

Any chance to be in quiet is what I go for wheb I have the kids. Your ideas sound solid. Toilet is my emergency "leave me alone". If nothing else works.

I'm here for you. Walking besides you.  For us and everyone walking the same paths.

[Moondance]

Thank you so much DD - I so appreciate your support and encouragement. 

The bathroom idea is great - thanks!

It makes sense that with our frazzled nervous systems this is harder in our trauma brain and exhausting.

  for each of us

 

[dollyvee]

Hi Moondance,

I want to echo what San said about the internet guy overstepping his bounds. Asking those questions and demanding an answer was way out of line to me as well, and you had every right to shut him down. Well done for asserting your boundaries. I think it's a hard thing to do for a lot of us. I'm sorry too that you experienced religious trauma.

I was very anxious in relationships about someone leaving me as well and would be hypervigilant about everything that happened and what it meant. Any kind of distance would spin me out. I also felt very "suffocated" when they were around, like everything was too much. I recently retook an attachment test and found out that I have disorganized/fearful avoidant attachment. When I read other peoples' experiences of what it was like to have FA attachment, it made so much more sense that attachment was a "thing," and it wasn't just me that was flawed etc, ruining relationships, that there was/is a pattern of what was going on and why it was happening. I thought it might speak to some of the things you're experiencing.

Sending you support,
dolly

[natureluvr]

Moondance, I think it's great that you have good insight into what about A's behavior is crossing your boundaries (talking too much, or talking while you are doing other things), and have come up with 2 good options for how to set boundaries on this. 

I also think you did a pretty good job setting boundaries with that cable guy.  IMO, it sounds like he was crossing the line to me as well, asking you personal questions about your spiritual life.  I too have experienced religious abuse, and have had issues with organized religion, but still believe in Jesus.  You are right - the Lord is with us, whether or not we go to church, etc.