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We're here to offer shelter         if she takes it badly and gaslights/attacks. 

Thanks san   It's good I wrote it down, otherwise I wouldn't be aware of it today. On a day like today it's good to read there was progress last week.

Over the years I thought that I had forgiven her.

I thought that too about various FOO members. It might be maddening or disappointing or painful or something else entirely to find out that actually, no, you or I or any of us had not actually forgiven. I think that's just part and parcel of the journey of healing - feeling this on a different level and/or the onion layers, the realisations. You might feel stuck for a while, I do anyway, but I think there's movement, there's progress even when we can't feel it.

But, right now, I feel an anger toward her I have never felt before. She was my mother, why didn't she love me or take care of me? I am angry because she had me, her last child, even after she had abandoned every other baby she birthed. I am angry about the way I was raised, about the orphanage, scavenging for food, having shoes with holes in the soles. I am angry about her taking me to my abusers house, trying to give me to a strange man for money. I am angry that she made me carry the guilt of her beatings.

I think anger is healthy and you have every reason to feel angry about what your M actively did to you and what situations she got you into by not caring for you properly.

Most of all, I am angry for being angry. This is all in the past and I can't seem to rise above it. I wallow in its sorrow, groveling for someone to care and knowing no one could conceivable understand the anguish that cripples me almost daily. I am a caricature of a man, lost, fumbling with no sense of normalcy. I will carry this to the grave. I feel like I am allowing her past abuse to continue to abuse me.

As I say, I think you have every reason to be angry, even though your M's actions/inactions are in the past. The effect of the trauma isn't in the past, that's what counts. On here, there are people who understand and have experienced daily anguish that cripples, even though it may be an anguish about different things and may cripple in different ways. Your words are poignant. I'm sorry you're feeling so lost and so much in pain at the moment.

I have been told things in the past, like by my behaviour I'm repeating the abuse done to me in the past or particulary in my case that I'm repeating the neglect, so I'm wondering if that's your own idea or something you've been told? There might be a bit of truth in there somehow but generally the abuse or neglect is on those who did it in our childhoods (or continue it now, as some FOO mbrs do) and it can take quite a number of years to realise what we're doing and then break the habits and find better ways of treating ourselves. In my experience, self-blame doesn't help.

I don't know if there's a definitive answer on this.  I've heard between 1 and 3, between 2 and 4, and now up until midnight?  I think probably for people who have sleeping issues, the best time to sleep is when you can consistently do it.

I'd tend to agree with this too. I've heard daytime sleeping equals bad-quality sleep, but if it's the only time you can sleep at all, maybe because sleeping at night and/or in the dark is triggering or because being awake and doing things at night when most other people are asleep feels safe (which I've certainly felt), that might be a more important consideration than the best time to heal? But yeah as Kizzie says, Googling is certainly a good option.

I get that too (that is, still tweaking and not sending the post). I also tend to take a while psyching myself up to send something. In the end, it is good to send the thing but it's also OK to take your time and not give yourself a hassle over needing time. Maybe doing some self-soothing or self-strengthening first could help?

Maybe some of your text tweaking is good, so as not to expose too much information, especially too much information that she could use against you? It's OK to leave the text unsent for a while and then go back to it.

Then, we were out and she was talking to, some guy and she gave my number to him (since she's married).

       I'm sorry she did that to you. A big boundary violation and totatlly inappropriate imo.

I didn't know that until later, but now I feel very violated, and like I should have called out the other stuff sooner. So now I'm overwhelmed with feeling like I have to bring this up and talk to her about it somehow. And I don't know that she's the type who can hear it.

I would feel very violated too. Like what the actual...?

I also remember the longish phase when I was gearing up to speak to people about their crossing my boundaries - well, tbh I'm still in that phase, but it is getting better and easier with use. So I can commiserate with the wish that I'd spoken up earlier, but with usage/practice that'll come. I would say that if this cousin means well by you, she'll accept something you want to speak up about even if somewhat 'later' than you would ideally like. Then there are people e.g. in my FOO who don't know about it 25 seconds later and not due to Alzheimer's either.

Standing by you in this phase and sending you some good old OOTS courage.

Sorry to hear that NK!   

I had a long nap yesterday afternoon instead, but I didn't get up in the early evening as planned, I stayed in bed. Today too till a friend came round with some flowers for me and then we wandered around my garden a bit talking about flowers and plants and some other stuff too.

Now I'm on the forum and though I have seen posts I wanted to respond too, I noticed I need the energy for me. And I'm following that  

Yesterday occupational therapy was more like art therapy. Helped me get some more clarity about something I did the other week and helped me be more forgiving to myself about it. My occ. therapist saw huge progress actually.

I see a few new posts on our Healing Porch thread, so I'm bumping this thread too. It's not the same, but I thought there might be some interest in gardening or plants in general on the recent Healing Porch posts. The Healing Porch is definitely different though. It's magic. So I don't want to distract from it at all, but just add this thread too, appropriate time of year for it in the northern hemisphere.

Thank you Hope    I didn't unfortunately. Oh well.

I'm so exhausted today. It's evening and I'm just going to go to bed.

[not]

1) Fresh air coming into my bedroom through open window
2) I got up and did my meditation
3) I read a couple of posts here on OOTS but doing self-care and not responding.

Mama Bear with cubs

https://www.cbc.ca/player/play/video/9.4211752

I accomplished a lot yesterday after my difficult start. I had a good day too.
A bit sleepy and tired I suppose today, didn't get out of bed till noon. No actually probably a bit uneasy if not downright triggered about some conversations I managed to get into the past week or so. Not argumentative, but with people who don't do me good and don't notice my subtle signs that I don't want to further engage. Would be helpful to do some of my Imagination or Screen work on it.

Apart from that, there are so many things I want to write on the forum atm, mostly my own reactions to various things, progress, responses to various mbrs here on the forum, information gleaned from free webinars etc etc etc. But not able for the moment.

Thinking of you woodsgnome and of that eagle. Sending support.