I think my isolation has become reasonable........

[chairmanmeow]

I know CPTSD and that cycle of anxiety and dissociation from ones emotional brain is the root of the cycle of depression, that numbing of the senses and inability to feel anything and connected to your own life renders a breakdown of systems of meaning, the touch stones our humanity follows.. I know the connections, I watch the process in myself. But understanding brings me no solace, being blindsided and confusion just gets replaced with a quiet matter of fact reality, and uttering such truths in the ears of those more normal only grazes the darker parts that lie dormant or unresolved in hearts of every person. The systems they build to manage and suppress those ugly things can come undone at the mere suggestion and dissection of your own miserable experience. To talk to others as I do is like dark a witchcraft that sends recoil down the spines of those fortune has been kinder too. And to be silent only sends those same people knocking at your gates for its unacceptable, so you find yourself doing the most painful thing and acting out an inner life more normal taxing your already strained faculty out of compassion for those whos hearts you tread on, alone, feeling it would be better to be more totally alone for it is easier even if not better for your own health.

[arpy1]

yup, i feel what you say, chairmanmeow. i am deliberately living in virtual isolation and it is less painful than trying to tackle the effort of pretending to be normal for the sake of those who aren't able to cope with my pain.

i have a mug on which is written ' pretending to be normal day after day is exhausting!' - it's kind of funny if it weren't so true.

at least here you can say it like it is, hon. amongst people who understand 

[Danaus plexippus]

This Is To Mother You -by Sinead O'Connor
https://youtu.be/IdeMkywlS54
This is to mother you
To comfort you and get you through
Through when your nights are lonely
Through when your dreams are only blue
This is to mother you
This is to be with you
To hold you and to kiss you too
For when you need me I will do
What your own mother didn't do
Which is to mother you
All the pain that you have known
All the violence in your soul
All the ‘wrong’ things you have done
I will take from you when I come
All mistakes made in distress
All your unhappiness
I will take away with my kiss, yes
I will give you tenderness
For child I am so glad I've found you
Although my arms have always been around you
Sweet bird although you did not see me
I saw you
And I'm here to mother you
To comfort you and get you through
Through when your nights are lonely
Through when your dreams are only blue
This is to mother you