Forging New Paths

[Blueberry]

Thank you Not Alone

____

I need to write an email to FOO. Earlier - since about Wed actually - I needed to get some information for FOO. Just done that half an hour ago. It's amazing in a negative sense how that kind of necessity throws me under for days, so I do round about zero beneficial stuff and all sorts of non-beneficial stuff which means eating too much and/or not eating, not getting out of bed, reading and dozing, even gone back to reading and researching Holocaust again. Today I dragged myself out of bed in the late afternoon because I had one student to teach.

Good things today:
I had a salad for supper; I picked some dandelions and put them in a vase; I have some other flowers in vases already; the magnolia in the front garden is blooming; elsewhere in town masses of daffodils are still blooming; some bushes are blooming and I can smell the nice scents when I cycle past; I taught fairly well; once I was on my bike to run that errand (getting information), I enjoyed my cycle; it was forecast to rain but it didnt, at least not while I was cycling; I remembered to air my office.

[Armee]

Those emails are very very difficult for good reason. Take gentle care while it hangs over your head. Your salad and dandelions and bike ride sound lovely.

[Moondance]

  Blueberry,

"Just done that half an hour ago. It's amazing in a negative sense how that kind of necessity throws me under for days, so I do round about zero beneficial stuff and all sorts of non-beneficial stuff which means eating too much and/or not eating, not getting out of bed"

Yep  that rings true for me too.

Good for you for looking/seeing the good in your day. I admire that about you.

[Blueberry]

Those emails are very very difficult for good reason.

They are indeed.
From over at OOTF: "Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage — prep beforehand and make time after to heal", it's in mbr Spring Butterfly's signature.

Thank you for your care, Armee

[Blueberry]

Blueberry,

"Just done that half an hour ago. It's amazing in a negative sense how that kind of necessity throws me under for days, so I do round about zero beneficial stuff and all sorts of non-beneficial stuff which means eating too much and/or not eating, not getting out of bed"

Yep  that rings true for me too.

Good for you for looking/seeing the good in your day. I admire that about you.

I'm sorry you experience this too Moondance. 

I practised looking for the good in my day for months, years ago that was. I wrote a Book of (My) Daily Joys. I got to know what really awakens joy in me - things like nature, especially flowers. Lots of other stuff too, but atm for whatever reason flowers are among the most accessible.

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs, Blueberry. My own yard has some little dandelions. I'm grateful the landlord's lawn service doesn't go to the detail of digging them up, and they're too short to mow. We have a large lilac bush outside the front window.  I love that scent when I'm getting the mail. (also, I love your Joy Book idea!)

[sanmagic7]

i'm with you on the flowers thing, blueberry.  my happy place is our balcony where my garden in pots grows, and just 2 days ago a rescued plant sprung flowers and it made me feel so good.  i'm also enjoying those spring flowers around here, too, and the cherry trees are tremendous!

i, too, have had to take major time to recover when dealing w/ people i know are not good for me.  you're not alone in this, no matter what our recovery looks like.  please, be gentle w/ yourself as much as possible while going thru your recovery process.  they've already injected us w/ enough damage.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

I was up all hours yesterday so spent most of the day in bed, dozing and reading. My ICr didn't actually have a field day (which is progress!) but did mention a few points, which I won't bother repeating here.

I knew it could be a good idea to go out and just look at my garden and then maybe that would get me doing something in it too. But I didn't. I enjoyed the sun shining into my apt in the evening. I did look out the windows and I spoke to 3 friends.

No replies from my sibs, which is good in its way of course.

[Blueberry]

Some more progress: Often, especially when I had some dealings with FOO, SIL2 would be in my head. Now she's not. If anybody is, then B1 and B2. That's progress because it seems now that I've finally written some of my home truths, I'm no longer allowing myself to be diverted. B2 was cleverly using SIL2 (undoubtedly she was in on the plan) to retain his GC role. SIL2 was generally the one who said and did things... and my anger and hurt would be diverted onto her. And now that I've actually expressed some of that anger to those FOO mbrs who needed to hear it imo, SIL2 is not taking up rent-free space in my head.

[Moondance]

That is awesome Blueberry.  That must feel pretty good.

I celebrate with you on your progresses over the past couple of days.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Moondance  

I haven't been forging any new paths today but I have been strengthening healthy but neglected ones: I was out in the garden again working. I did some yesterday too but otherwise I've been putting that off for aaaages. Even though I know it does me good. But now I'm back on it.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, so glad to hear you were able to get back into the garden again.  it's a soul feeder, at least to my mind.  i think strengthening healthy paths is wonderful.  good for you.    love and hugs

[Armee]

It feels so good when we are able to clear out the people who don't deserve to take up space in our brain. So proud of you for speaking up to your FOO. I know how very hard that has been. It seems like it is getting a little easier each time, and that you are recovering a little faster too. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armee, especially for telling me it's getting a little easier each time and that I'm recovering faster. Now that I really think about it, I am. You're right.

Yesterday I decided to "get my act together" and wrote out my Highly Recommended/Could list for today and tomorrow. Highly Recommended for today was to stay up (once I got up). That sure didn't work out, I went straight back to bed after my first meds. On the Coulds I had "avoid Internet" except to send a specific email. I might have stayed up if I hadn't had "avoid Internet" on my Could list. Armee, your post helped me see that I'm expecting way too much of myself atm.

Thanks san for cheering me on, especially about the garden. 

[Blueberry]

Three Good Things today:

I prepared for and taught my student
My foot is eased by the bandage I put on yesterday
I went down into the garden briefly in the sunshine.

Otherwise it's depression with a capital D.