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My FOO does a lot of laughing to 'excuse' themselves from their own bad behaviour or to try and belittle me and my opinions / feelings.

My M does that too.

thanks for bringing this up, berceuse.  it helped me see myself in this, as embarrassing as that is.  but, i will also be mindful from now on, so you've done me a great favor.  love and a big hug.

You're welcome San. I am glad it helped you in a way.

I don't know where I am in my journey of healing but I think I am still in the very beginning. However, today I would like to write down some things that I think of as positive steps.

In the last chigong/qigong class I realized a part of me that is calm and grounded. I am putting it like this because I don't think I did force any change. On the contrary, I was lost in thoughts and very self-conscious then I realized a part of me who takes easy, calm and deep breaths then my mind adapted to that part. I felt calm, grounded and energetic. It was so nice. I think it does/will do great help in general.

I was thinking about my two former attempts to move out and this time I stopped seeing them as failed attempts and did not fall into despair. They are great lessons indeed. They failed because I expected to thrive immediately after I was in a safe enough place (at least far away from what can still be called abuse or just constant triggers). However, it turned out to be the opposite because I started to feel things once I got away and did not know how to regulate/handle those feelings. So, I thought I am just losing control/everything is going worse. Now once I move out I am expecting to feel fear, guilt or whatever I am hiding in my bag.

I started to work out a month ago which helps me feel stronger both physically and mentally and this is a good step.

I sorted out my priorities. At least one. I am going to give my self a safe enough space (a room, a home or this can be totally metaphorical but it is very hard to do while I am constantly triggered and pushing down those feelings in the presence of my foo) to process my feelings. So, I am saving money for this. My plans are not clear but it does not have to be at this stage. The first step is to save money and I am doing it.

I talked with a somatic experiencing therapist/trauma therapist. I liked her actually. We graduated from the same university and she is three years older than me, at most. She gave me a discount and it is manageable but I am planning to work with her once I move out. My priority is moving out and I can't both save money for it and work with her at the same time but she is my second plan.

The people in where I work are very nice and kind. It was hard to see that because I was occupied with thoughts like "I am too slow/silent/stupid bla bla and they are going fire me any time." Now I am a little bit calmer and I see no sign of hatred/belittling. Though I find it hard to believe I guess normal, healthy people don't hate each other for no apparent reasons. For four months I am mostly isolating myself (trying not to meet them at lunch so I go out a little bit later, avoding asking even work-related questions and that is one of the reasons I am slow at finishing tasks). Each time I realize people are indeed nice to me, interested in knowing me or trust me that I capable enough to do the work I am assigned to do, I feel surprised.  On the other hand, after years of denial -I don't care what people think of me or my best old friend: misanthropy- realizing that I am highly dependent on people's opinion is the ugly truth.

Thank you san,
I cant write here in my own journal or others as often as i want to though I am here reading almost daily.

I feel very uncomfortable when my mother tries to touch me. It is just hugs and kisses but ıt makes me really uncomfortable. She just kissed me in my back when i was sitting in the balcony and smoking and told me she does not need my permission for that and laughed. She laughes really loud btw. Then I started to shake though not realizing it till she told me "you dont need to shake" then she started talk to our dog "what is wrong with her?" . She  does that kind of talk all the time. Though her questions, comments whatever are adressed to me, she either talks to sb else or just acts like she is talking to an invisible camera as if she were in a cheap reality show and ignores my existence in the room. Then of course if I try to face her, I get blamed for it. You misunderstand it. I did not mean it. I dont remember doing it. Am I a bad mother? No, of course not. It is just me all the time. I have always been a difficult child and ı have that odd problem of misunderstanding people all the time because somehow they never mean it.

 

It is often said here. Unless I move away from the main triggers, I won't really start healing. I am heavily dissociating. Apart from fantasizing, overthinking, isolating, avoiding or any way to distract myself, I think I am constantly trying to forget what hurt me on a subconscious level. It is invisible. It left me with a lot of scars but it is even invisible to me. So, here once again I don't know what went so wrong. This is so bizarre. I need a home. I can't unburden myself unless I feel safe. I am so disconnected from everything.
I want to feel like a human being again. Maybe, I am an ai. I am feeling so unreal. I am not properly talking to anybody for weeks which makes it worse.
Thank you for hearing me anyway.

instead, i proudly showed him my report card, and he barely acknowledged it.  that crushed me.

I know this feeling. It is indeed soul-crushing.

I feel foggy and disoriented right now though I thought I am relaxed and in a good mood. I guess my mind is foggy and confused but I feel relaxed. I guess what I am doing is I am trying to think how I am feeling. I don't know what I am saying right now.  It's okay. I won't delete this.

I am currently reading "Healing Developmental Trauma" by Laurence Heller and everything resonates with me so far.  Yep, aand I am having trouble remembering it right now. Maybe, I did not comprehend it yet though I felt like "Yes, that's exactly what it is" in every page and underlined almost the whole chapter esp the one titled Connection Survival Style which focuses on the early trauma coping mechanism.

I have an appointment with a somatic experiencing therapist tomorrow. I am researching about this on and off for a month probably.  I had decided that my priority is saving up and moving out because I am currently living with my sister and mother who I think, one of the causes of my cptsd. However, I had a really bad morning on Monday and I just found myself sending that e-mail. I think I'll decide it after the appointment. My mind keeps telling me reasons why I don't need to start therapy. That's why I also hate going to doctors. I suddenly forgot what was the problem. It's is probably because my mind (ICr?) talks me out of it. It is a self-care problem. I also have that weird fear people whom I ask for help (doctors in that case) will yell at me for nothing (yeah this is my trauma speaking).

I understand myself at this point. I learned that it is for the best that I should not ask for help and I made myself believe that "I don't need anybody." I did it so I wouldn't see how much I hurt for feeling alone and helpless indeed.

I just need to get this out of my chest. I am feeling very very very angry right now. I am not in an appropriate place to express that anger. I am trying to do some work in a cafe and can't even properly read what I am supposed to read. It is not easy when you keep fantasizing smashing tables and destructing everything around you like a tornado. So, I am trying to write it down because I don't want to dissociate. Why am I feeling so angry? I guess I woke up in a flashback and found a seemingly enough reason to project that anger. The * infuriating feeling of being used.     

Thank you Threeroses

Thank you Sanmagic. I never get a judgemental reply either. As far as I observe my thoughts, I see that I have also judgemental, critical thoughts towards others from complete strangers to my friends. I had not realized it before and it wasn't very comfortable to realize it.

This is how I behave towards myself and probably towards others (though I don't remember seeing the thought in action, I probably did) and also what I expect from others which fuels my anxiety and of course hinders any authentic relationship both with myself and others.

What is the solution then? I can see that self-compassion and self-acceptance will break this cycle but I find it really hard to love myself. It is not a nice confession but this is the truth. Why do I find it hard to love myself? I think I am seeking some kind of perfection. I have too much "ideal me does that" fantasies and I usually associate them with feelings like love, joy and satisfaction. I am not even sure I feel those feelings in real life. Okay. Perfection is also a symptom not the cause. Why do I need to be perfect to love myself or to be lovable?  I have no idea. I think Pete Walker had an explanation for perfectionism. I don't remember now. Besides, I don't think that I am a perfectionist. Am I? I have perfectionist fantasies but I am not a one in real life. Oh, this gets really confusing.

I want to say that I read your replies on the old server and I can't tell you how much I appreciate them.

I think this is the first time in the forum (maybe after a long time) that I don't have any humiliating voice in my head. The voice usually disguises as sb else. So, in this case, I imagine you (the forum members) judging me as (insert any negative adjective) in almost every word I write.  Is this outer critic?  I think so because although I am criticizing myself I also refer to you as judgmental. That part of me who is stuck in trauma thinks that the world is mean and expects danger (invalidation in my case) around every corner and overthinks to compensate it. This is also catastrophization and micromanagement because I try to control your reactions by changing my behavior.

Anyway, just writing is great. 

Regarding the bilingualism and trouble finding the words to describe sth I agree with Blueberry that it is a form of EF. I really don't know what triggered me so hard.

The qigong class was nice. It is two times a month and I think I am also looking for an excuse to go out because two times a month does not feel enough.

My mother is back. Before she comes, I had a relatively long talk with my sister. I probably never mentioned in my journal that I have two sisters. M was living with my elder sister to take care of my nephew. They all know that M is not easy to get on with (to say the least). It just took me quite a lot of time to understand that it was not me because I grew up in quite a different environment than they did. When my F died, I was six and my sisters were already in university. So, I grew up with M and grandmother (whom I think was an overt narc). Plus isolation. It was easy for me to get brainwashed and think that I am the reason. Of course, the gaslighting ("It did not happen that way. You don't remember it correctly. You need to see a therapist. You are not well...) added to it.

Anyway, I feel too tired to go on writing. I just wanted to write that I started to reflect upon NC. I am actually fantasizing about it since probably middle school. I have had failed attempts (though not exactly NC). So, I will not act on impulse this time. The first step is saving up money. I can do that. I will start with it.

Thank you all.

I need and want this forum to be a part of my healing. It is indeed a part of my healing. I still don't have a proper explanation about what is making it is so hard to continue writing here. ICr and OCr attacks play a big part. Maybe, they got stronger because I see and fight them or the more I observe myself, the more I started to see the toxicity. I don't know. So, for now, I will ignore the "you are not enough" voice otherwise I can't write. Unfortunately, I still identify myself with those voices and it is a part of my reality. I believe and react to what they say or project onto me.  I think I am starting to memorize the pattern there. It certainly ends with I don't deserve to exist and forms of suicidal fantasies and of course the neurological response accompanying it which makes it paralyzing and very real. Luckily, it is the worst it can get.

Recently, I am reading more about trauma and its effects on the nervous system. It makes things more clear and I decided to try more body-focused approaches to healing trauma rather than forms of psychotherapy. I am trying trauma realizing exercises and qigong from youtube and I think it is helping with anxiety and I think it can give me some sense of control over my body and mind and I will start a qigong class Saturday. This is one big step for me 

It is unbelievable that it took more than an hour to write this. The worst part of this * is it takes ages to transform my thoughts into meaningful sentences and when I do I am unable to spell words and rewrite them two or three times.  * * * !!!!!

Thank you Blueberry and DecimalRocket,
I really appreciate it.

I think I need a break from OOTS. Right now, any kind of relationship is too triggering for me. I know isolation and avoidance is not the cure for that. However, it sends me into freeze mode quite often and it is exhausting, both mentally and physically.

See you later

Why everybody else's emotions are more important than mine? Why I need approval for every thing I do, I feel, I think? Don't say this, don't feel this, people won't like you. They will abandon you for who you are.  You need to be "everything is OK person," "I don't have any problems of my own and I am always ready to listen to you and take care of your problems," "I have no right to make you sad with my own problems," "I feel dead inside but it's OK. Who wants to hear that I feel depressed, right? Noone." This is unfair. I don't want to be dead anymore.

I used to have a similar fear about touching people, like taking someone's hand or helping somebody up or drying a toddler's feet, that I was going to hurt this person physically, immensely, just through my touch.

It is terrible how sb can make us feel this way. I am glad that you saw the reason behind it.

I have also trouble touching people but it is not because of physical abuse. I have never been physically abused but I have hyperhidrosis (excessive sweating) in my hands so occasionally I see people get disgusted by my touch (when I have to shake hands, etc.). It is one of the reasons I avoid physical contact or anything that require using my hands in public as far as I can.

"It is because I have a fear that I am going to hurt somebody so bad when I speak. I will say the wrong thing and they will break into pieces."

That usually happens when I am talking with my mother. Her reactions are usually out of proportion. So, I might be conditioned to be extra careful to avoid any danger (rage or immense sadness and crying for which she usually blames me or extra drama "I wish I was dead so you would be free of me" kind of reactions). That's why I am always having inner monologues (trying to guess anybody's reaction before saying sth and then adjust my behavior accordingly). Of course, those scenarios never come true.

It might also be victim-perpetrator confusion because my mother has the ability to hurt sb terribly with words. I don't remember actually making anybody cry or kill themselves by simply talking to them except my mother. However, she can do that. She told me she never wanted me in front of my friends many times. Of course, like a joke. I am just too sensitive. Or she told me that I am a pig since my childhood when I was unable to move because of an intense flashback. She usually thinks that I am doing everything deliberately to hurt her. Or she plays the loving, compassionate mother (when she needs the supply) and uses what I have said against me to hurt me. Of course, she never admits doing anything wrong. I just remember wrong or she ends up crying and wanting to kill herself because I told her she is a bad mother (I never did) and I end up apologizing to her. The next day, we move on like nothing happened. Of course, it happened again and again. Gaslighting must have worked really well because I don't remember anything except a few incidents. So, it is easy to tell myself that I tell lies. But, I don't. I am actually internally * up because of her way of raising me. My whole internal system is based on fear and doubt. I have no self-esteem and respect and when I try, I blame myself for investing in sb that is worthless. This system is doomed to fail and I have to learn how to treat an innocent, vulnerable human being from the beginning. I need to replace fear and doubt with love and trust. Not because it sounds romantic or like sth in self-help books (because helping or loving myself is bad God forbid), simply because that internal system won't get me anywhere, it will collapse.

Hey San,
I don't have much to say but I am very familiar with those feelings and when I feel like this, it reminds me of a scene in Godfather III where Al Pacino says "Just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in." The scene makes me laugh when I think about my relationship with C-PTSD.  Maybe, it works for you too.

Thank you Sanmagic

It was a flashback, this time I really understood that it was a flashback. The feelings of desparation that comes from finding no one to turn to, to talk; helplessness. It hurts a lot. It even hurts my body. It is the reason of waking up in the morning wanting to die.  All this suicidal ideation comes from what I felt as a child. I guess that's why I kept dreaming that my father will come and take me with him for years. He passed away when I was 6 but till highschool I kept on dreaming that he was alive and would come to take me.

I think it is what I need to do: to move out but the anxiety is getting worse and worse and I am afraid that I going to break down before I can do anything.

Yesterday, I couldn't find the energy to move my fingers or talk. I just lied in a paralysed state. I am just so overwhelmed. I need to keep on working because if I quit again, I will just add another problem and ruin my chances to move out. I am afraid to seek help and so exhausted to even try it.

I tell myself that this will past, it happened before and it will past but it is getting worse.