TRIGGER WARNING: CSA - NOTHING EXPLICIT BUT STILL GOOD TO BE AWARE!
Today seems a good day to start this journal. Mainly because there's probably nowhere else I can say this without being locked up!!! Maybe
It's so strange. I really AM HEALING! I feel it happening but the journey itself is sooooo hard. Almost 2 months ago I discovered I have Structural Dissociation. I was never able to connect with my inner child but a few months ago it happened for the first time – only to realise I have inner children. Different ages trapped in time with their memories and the pain of those events. It makes perfect sense to me – it would have been way too much for any "one mind" to cope with. I've spent a lot of time over the years being angry or just simply despairing with my brain and all the flashbacks etc.... but now I'm in awe. And so appreciative of the ingenious way my brain adapted to help me survive – and even succeed to some extent – what was a horrific childhood. So I've started connecting with them.
Just over a year ago I started getting full flashbacks again – the virtual reality kind where it's like getting into a time capsule and you're there once again. With every microscopic visual detail appearing sooooo strongly. My therapist said that's a sign of dissociating at the time. Every bit of new knowledge and understanding like that also helps me. Not instantly but gradually. 2 weeks ago I went into a full emotional flashback of a particular event – one that's been in my nightmares my whole life and replaying most days for the last year. This time there was no visuals but the emotions were overwhelming. Pure terror! And physical pain throughout my body. This was the FIRST time that a) I really KNEW it was a flashback even while it was happening. I'm safe and knew that. And b) I stayed with the emotions so they could release. It was 2 days of pure * and in the end I had to schedule an emergency session with my therapist as I felt my mind was actually slipping away. But she is amazing and helped me realise I'm still ok – even that was just a feeling from the past. What would have happened at the time.
When I was 8 I endured a particularly vicious rape by my father. I haven't been able to talk about it for years. Not even with my therapist – it's like my throat is blocked. But I did write a poem about it 1½ years ago and now I realise that my nightmares stopped around then too – for the first time in my life ever!!!! But I shared my poem recently with a couple of people I trust – after asking their permission. That alone triggered me massively but it's also helped a lot. I no longer feel that I AM shame! I'm still full of it
but that's a definite improvement.
The last few days I really wasn't well. Lots of physical pain. And I was trying to connect with my 8-year old and failing. But I realised she's exhausted. Wiped out from reliving this event. And yesterday I felt the physical pains of the aftermath in my body. I was shaking with back pain but even more from the build-up of (what felt like) poisonous emotions just rushing around my system. And I felt so sick. I was stuck lying sideways on the sofa, unable to move and just wishing there was a way to release it from my body – and then the vomit came. I have chronic back pain anyway for 20+ years after a car accident and started using cannabis a few years ago for that. It is BY FAR the most effective painkiller I've ever used and I ditched all my opioids completely 2 years ago. But I've found cannabis to also be invaluable in helping me process everything. I use it wisely and I'm still amazed how it helps my brain to somehow help things fit into place. It was also the first way I was able to actually feel my emotions – at least to understand what they were, as opposed to just overwhelm and panic. I really believe it's such a strong medicine for the mind. At least for me, I wouldn't have been able to make the progress I have without cannabis. I needed it yesterday for the back pain and ultimately it has released so much more.
So today I'm going to rest again. I just cleaned up the mess and that's all that needed to be done. My 8-year old is still totally floored. And I'm feeling that too. So maybe today we will be able to connect But lots of rest needed today for both of us.
Today seems a good day to start this journal. Mainly because there's probably nowhere else I can say this without being locked up!!! Maybe
It's so strange. I really AM HEALING! I feel it happening but the journey itself is sooooo hard. Almost 2 months ago I discovered I have Structural Dissociation. I was never able to connect with my inner child but a few months ago it happened for the first time – only to realise I have inner children. Different ages trapped in time with their memories and the pain of those events. It makes perfect sense to me – it would have been way too much for any "one mind" to cope with. I've spent a lot of time over the years being angry or just simply despairing with my brain and all the flashbacks etc.... but now I'm in awe. And so appreciative of the ingenious way my brain adapted to help me survive – and even succeed to some extent – what was a horrific childhood. So I've started connecting with them.
Just over a year ago I started getting full flashbacks again – the virtual reality kind where it's like getting into a time capsule and you're there once again. With every microscopic visual detail appearing sooooo strongly. My therapist said that's a sign of dissociating at the time. Every bit of new knowledge and understanding like that also helps me. Not instantly but gradually. 2 weeks ago I went into a full emotional flashback of a particular event – one that's been in my nightmares my whole life and replaying most days for the last year. This time there was no visuals but the emotions were overwhelming. Pure terror! And physical pain throughout my body. This was the FIRST time that a) I really KNEW it was a flashback even while it was happening. I'm safe and knew that. And b) I stayed with the emotions so they could release. It was 2 days of pure * and in the end I had to schedule an emergency session with my therapist as I felt my mind was actually slipping away. But she is amazing and helped me realise I'm still ok – even that was just a feeling from the past. What would have happened at the time.
When I was 8 I endured a particularly vicious rape by my father. I haven't been able to talk about it for years. Not even with my therapist – it's like my throat is blocked. But I did write a poem about it 1½ years ago and now I realise that my nightmares stopped around then too – for the first time in my life ever!!!! But I shared my poem recently with a couple of people I trust – after asking their permission. That alone triggered me massively but it's also helped a lot. I no longer feel that I AM shame! I'm still full of it
but that's a definite improvement.The last few days I really wasn't well. Lots of physical pain. And I was trying to connect with my 8-year old and failing. But I realised she's exhausted. Wiped out from reliving this event. And yesterday I felt the physical pains of the aftermath in my body. I was shaking with back pain but even more from the build-up of (what felt like) poisonous emotions just rushing around my system. And I felt so sick. I was stuck lying sideways on the sofa, unable to move and just wishing there was a way to release it from my body – and then the vomit came. I have chronic back pain anyway for 20+ years after a car accident and started using cannabis a few years ago for that. It is BY FAR the most effective painkiller I've ever used and I ditched all my opioids completely 2 years ago. But I've found cannabis to also be invaluable in helping me process everything. I use it wisely and I'm still amazed how it helps my brain to somehow help things fit into place. It was also the first way I was able to actually feel my emotions – at least to understand what they were, as opposed to just overwhelm and panic. I really believe it's such a strong medicine for the mind. At least for me, I wouldn't have been able to make the progress I have without cannabis. I needed it yesterday for the back pain and ultimately it has released so much more.
So today I'm going to rest again. I just cleaned up the mess and that's all that needed to be done. My 8-year old is still totally floored. And I'm feeling that too. So maybe today we will be able to connect But lots of rest needed today for both of us.
I still play it often, particularly to self-soothe and there have even been moments when I actually felt "enough"! 
) because I am currently experiencing a mental breakdown 
Today in particular I'm feeling quite lost