Topics

Started with a new T recently.  Have been trying to get some support for a couple of years now, and Covid made it worse.  Got very discouraged and frustrated but I have long ago learned I can't give up on self-advocacy, and it finally has paid off.  After only two sessions (and phone sessions at that), I know things are shifting and I'm back on the path of healing again. Another layer of the onion is coming off.  How do I know?  Because I'm so uncomfortable - increased hypervigilance, worse nightmares, and an overwhelming tiredness and sadness.  I have learned that to heal, I have to be willing to make myself very uncomfortable.  I have to be willing to CHOOSE to hurt, CHOOSE to feel things I would much rather not feel and experience.  I have enough experience to know that on the other side is a healthier, happier, freer life.  But....  Right now I'm tired.  I know that every time I push through my fears and push back against my programming there is payback.  Usually increased dissociation, greatly increased anxiety, nightmares, etc.  So I know that the worse I feel the more that means the work I'm doing is good work, and that the payoff in the long run is worth it.  But knowing that and living in and through it is different.  Knowing that doesn't make it any easier to not cave in to those icky and uncomfortable feelings and not follow through with the work to get better.  Covid and having moved away from a very strong support system a few years ago also does not make it easier.  When I wake from a nightmare at 3 AM and the world feels like a lonely place and my anxiety is high, it is sometimes hard to hold on to the knowledge that this is actually a good thing and an indication that I am being successful in working through another piece of my puzzle of me.  And I'm tired.  Bone tired of 30 years of this - and yes, am I a totally different, happier, mostly integrated and pretty much functional me?  Absolutely!!!  Has it been worth it?  Oh, my goodness yes, a thousand times yes!!!  Do I look forward to even more work because somewhere inside me there is a determination and drive to always look for more layers to work on and to become the most whole, healthy, happy me that I can be?  Not in a million years, but it doesn't stop the drive or determination.  Guess today is both a low spot and a spot for celebration.  Low because I can see what is ahead of me, and I know it takes a lot of guts, work, and energy to get where I want to go.  Spot for celebration because I CAN see it, and because I finally have found someone to help with that gentle guidance and support to help me get where I want to go.  And also celebration for believing I am worth not giving up on, no matter what.

Little Girl Lost, who are you?
Little Girl Lost, where are you?
You live inside my heart yet I know you not.
You are a mystery to me.
Many strings unravelling the
Tangled web of all you are.
Child-woman, alive and dead;
You alone hold the key to
The completeness of who I am.
The prison bars enclosed and bound.
Keep Out!  Danger!  The signs all warn
The dangers lie ahead.
Undiscovered.  Disbelieved;
Unimagined pain.
Unthinkable torture.
No wonder you are Little Girl Lost.

On nights like these
So dark and still
My soul grows quiet within
Searching for that inner place
Where there is no right and wrong
Where past and future matter not
And now is all there is
That quiet place to contemplate
And allow who I really am
A safe place to come out and be
To let herself be known
There are no chains or bondage there
No prisoners of pain
But freedom from the whips of shame
And dungeons of self-hate
On nights like these I find myself
Alive deep down inside
For there is where I really am
Waiting silently
To tell my story, share my tale
And sow the seeds of life
So outside I may bloom and grow
And live with flame and fire

So the instructions say to do an intro post as to why I'm here.  I've been trying to heal from my background for about 30 years (active counselling) and have come to the point of being mostly integrated and at least surface functional to the point that once I trust enough and people learn of my background they are surprised.  I feel like Shrek and an onion a lot of the time though as I find myself revisiting things and finding another piece of my healing journey under the next layer.  I still (and likely always will) have some leftover cptsd symptoms, though the worst of the dissociation and self-harm is long gone.  I have been through the mill of self-harm in many many forms, but no longer go there thankfully!!!  I do have a lot of distorted thinking about myself and my worth/place in the world and lingering nightmares and hyper vigilance, but again manage to have a pretty functioning life.
I survived a lifetime of abuse starting pre-verbal including ritual abuse, a seriously mentally ill mother who had, among other things, a form of munchausen by proxy, sexual abuse by several including incest and spousal rape and three abusive adult relationships.  I also became my own abuser with a multitude of self harm behaviours.
I moved a few years ago a very long way from where I had a very strong support network, many of whom were well aware of my history, and extremely supportive of  my continued path to health and wholeness in all the forms that takes.  This included a fantastic trauma counsellor who has tried to support me as much as possible but just isn't sustainable.  Covid has made the isolation worse.  I hope to find here a safe place where I can turn when those old issues rear their head and I need support and understanding.  Thank you for the add.