Messages

Notalone thank you for sharing and for your validation.  Rainydiary, thank you for your comments and validation. It's reassuring to know from both of you that I'm not alone in my experiences.

Findingpeace, thank you for sharing. Sounds like you did the right thing.

Notalone, my employers didn't really react. Or should I say they didn't react negatively.   I told them when I was in a pretty good space and I did it just in case I hit a rough patch.

I find it very difficult to deal with people, which is a big part of my job.  This is why I refer to it as social anxiety.    And sometimes I have told friends that I have generalised anxiety.  In the UK we don't need diagnosis to receive treatment (no insurance companies involved). So I don't have a formal diagnosis.   My therapist and I have bounced the terms CPTSD, PTSD and trauma. So thats what I think I have.  To me social anxiety and generalised anxiety are symptoms of my CPTSD.   I also score highly for Avoidant personality disorder and have my ruminations are almost on OCD levels.  But again, to me the root is CPTSD.

I'm not seeking time off (yet), it's just some times I think it'd be nice to have people understand why I am different.  Why I act and react differently.  I also wish they appreciated how much pain I'm in and how much work triggers me. And how hard it is to just turn up.

If I did become sick (as I have three times - all different employers) I don't feel 'better' for the time off (possibly due to guilt and shame). And I end up, eventually wanting/needing more time off. This is usually when I look for another job.  But that's not as easy due to the pandemic.   

The fact that I'm always on edge is why I was wondering about disclosure.

Hi Guys

I told my employer about 18 month ago that i have anxiety.  I've referred to having social anxiety with a few colleagues.

I'm pretty sure they'll be aware from the way that I act and demeanour that I struggle daily with anxiety.  But they also know that I don't take time off due to it and that I work hard.

My job is very triggering (responsibility,  lack of training and outside parties involved). 

I've often thought of disclosing my CPTSD.  But then again....

Has anyone disclosed to their employer? Good reaction or bad?  Would you consider it at the moment during the pandemic (which is causing lots of problems for employers).  Any advice?

I have it in my head that it would be easier once they know. But would it make me more ashamed?  Or more needy? Or would I use it as an excuse?

Thanks

Thank you San

Yes, the meeting went very well.  My team leader was just as exasperated at my head boss as I was. 

I'm having my usual catch up meeting with him on Wednesday, so I'll talk to him about the problem then. But I'll preempt him by drafting some documents - he's sure to ask.

I'll just have to cope with him being like this. But my team leader wants to be informed of problems like this. And told me I can vent to her.

She told me they're very happy with me. I've realised that I'm willing and able to fix long standing problems at work. Some caused by my head boss. Most of which he's ignored for years and years. He wants to concentrate on one area of his job, and that's it.  Usually it's me coming up with the solutions in our meetings. But given the sensitive and controversial nature of the cases, I still need the meetings to have it on record that I've discussed it with him. (I keep minutes).

Needed to post about a bad day.   I didn't want to put in my new journal.   This post fits in with my previous posts on this journal.

At work I sent a bill, which I checked to a master document.  So on 30th June all the fees were correct.

In September I obtained 100% payment on account for the person I was billing for.  Ive have just realised that we've  duplicated two fees, so at some point they'll need paying back by the person who I billed for. They won't be happy.

I've looked into why this happened.  It looks like my head boss  added those extra fees on 14th July. He shouldn't have done that as those fees HAD been billed on a different part of the case, as they  should have been.

I added new fees on around  22nd July for work done from 1st July onwards.  As I knew the fees up to 30th June were correct,  I didn't think I needed to check those again. The duplicate fees were for January, i.e.in the batch of fees I'd already checked.  So I wouldn't have noticed them.

I'm worried that I'm going to be blamed. So I email my head boss.

I received a reply saying he was too busy to even read my email!!!

I'm so angry.   Firstly, he cant even read my email.   I matter that much.  I appreciate that he maybe busy but he he can't take 60 seconds to whizz through my email to see if it's important.  Second that he had to mess with bills!! And finally I know that I'll have to fix this. He'll just tell me email the person who's bill it is to tell him, and take any flack from him.  This is the same person who my head boss should have contacted about an overpayment at his previous office. My head boss delegated to me, but I got all my emails approved by my head boss. The person got very shirty and my head boss just left me to take all the fallout.

I have flagged up to my team leader, as shes listened to me moan about my head  boss before.  We've scheduled a meeting tomorrow.   

Owl,

So sorry to read about how you feel.  But I can understand and relate.   

I hope you won't mind me sending you a big hug.   

Remember you're supported and understood here x 

At work we have an employee of the month award.  Two employees out of the 20 staff are selected each month.  Four of those staff are senior management so don't get selected (they're pretty much the ones that choose). So there's 16 of us.

The idea is to recognize someone who goes above and beyond.  But often they get it for doing their job

I won in January 2019.  And recently I've noticed that I have a really bad tempered reaction to it each month.

Initially I'm disappointed not to have been selected.  Then I feel negative about myself.  Then I get angry. Then I get very resentful at those chosen - mentally running them down.

Some months, whilst working from home, I have even cried.  Ridiculous really.

This month, I wasn't recognized, again. I was a little more philosophical and accepted it.

This morning, without even thinking about, it occurred that I'm one of only three people who haven't been recognized in nearly two years. The others are receptionists, so unlikely to be able to do additional tasks or be spotted for their work. And they were furloughed for six months too.

I feel deflated.

I have  done some impressive things at work and made lots of progress.  I can only assume it's expected.  Or that I'm not liked (see previous posts). Or that I'm invisible (this is the most likely).

This reminded  of a time about 20 years ago.  I was covering a colleague for maternity leave.

Each week we completed a form for the supervisor which gave figures for outstanding work, new instructions and case load.  The form had become quite worn due to repeated photocopying.   Items had been added in pen and it looked messy.

I decided to take it home and do a fresh form over the weekend.   I handed in the revised and neat form on Monday - quite pleased with myself.

Within half an hour my supervisor marched into my office.  Dropped the form on my desk. Said "we'll have that back as it was" in an angry tone and marched  off.

I was devastated.  I didn't understand what I'd done so bad.

I knew then as now, I should have challenged her.  And she probably was annoyed that there were some things I was better at.

It was the injustice that got me.  Had the lady I was covering for redone the weekly form then she wouldn't have reacted the same way.  She'd probably have complimented her.

So why does it happen.  That others get praise and I get ignored, or berated.  It's that likeability factor, again.

Thanks for your replies Marta and Notalone.

San, many thanks for the love and validation.  It means so much x

Thanks for sharing.  I can struggle with this too.

One of the symptoms that I have is lack of identity. I don't really know who I am and what I do know I deeply despise or feel ashamed of. So who am I?.....

I constantly over think - always have. The earliest memory I have of this I was 8 years old.  I'd heard a chance comment about woodworm.  This slowly lead to me obsessing about it.   Until one day I absolutely lost the plot - I was convinced that our home was going to collapse around us.  The distorted thoughts had become so consuming.

As one of my previous posts mentioned, from the age of six I was already escaping into malaptive daydreaming and spending a long time in a fantasy world.  I did fully dissociate from time too.

I can't remember having many friends. I had quite severe asthma as a child and was hospitalised a few times.  Far from having sympathetic parents, they were cold or angry.  One of my early memories is being left alone in the living room, whilst recovering from a chest infection that had exacerbated my asthma. I remember wondering why no one would stay with me - I felt lonely.  I was constantly told off for forgetting my inhalers or doing it wrong. But now I realise that healthy parents would have taken the responsibility, and be compassionate and caring.

I wasn't allowed to play out quite often, due to b my asthma.  Living on a steep hill meant I wasn't allowed to ride a bike.  I missed a lot of school due to ill health.  I feel behind in lessons.  I wasn't very clever.  I was easily bullied and intimidated.

Because I was so lonely I used to talk to myself.  I still do this.  Just explaining things out loud to myself - justifying things. Or having imaginary arguements/conversations.  I sometimes speak to myself as an outsider - not sure why. I've been caught out talking to myself often - it's embarrassing as people think I'm weird.

It wasn't until I was in my late teens that I realised how wound up I was. And how little I could relate to others.  As my previous post explains, I just don't have instant likeability.

The ruminations and self doubts set in. I could only see others as being better.  The inner critic started to corrode me.

It during my very first bout of therapy that I coined a phrase that described my people pleasing desires.  That phrase was "praise junkie".  I became addicted to praise and approval.  I realised if you were doing well, then the world felt good and safe.  I only wanted that feeling. But it came at a cost. I had to become an overachiever.  Longer hours. Faster work.  Larger caseload. Every increasing targets and expectations.  But it wasn't sustainable.  My health suffered - but in a benign way.  I suffered with bladder inflammation on AC repeated basis.  The only thing that helped was to relax and not overwork.

I resolved not to work overtime, but that didn't help, as restricting my hours meant I'd get behind.    That stressed me and scared me.  So I'd rush. And make mistakes. And thus my perfectionism was born!

My mum would criticise me. Or infer things about me, with not so subtle hints and suggestions.  She made me very self conscious.  I was 12 when she taught me to check my reflection at every opportunity possible.  I'd be compared to others frequently, usual with the context that they were much better than me.

I always liked different things.  My musical tastes and clothes weren't the norm. But my mum used to get angry with me. And was mean to me about it. 

At 26, for the first time in my life I developed acne.  But not ordinary acne. It was cystic acne - nodules deep in the skin that don't come to a head.  Fortunately I only got them on my chin and nose. But in that small area I'd have 6 or 7 spots in various stages.  They would fester and scan and then scar.   So I could look a mess. One person thought I could have impetigo (an infectious scabbing disease).

I used to look after myself and had my hair done. I remember one occasion when I'd paid £85 (some years ago a lot of money).  My mum didn't even comment on my hair, just that it was a shame about my skin. She told me that I needed to sort it.

I've spent loads of money and time trying to fix my cystic acne. I've had several prescription items. Nothing had fully worked.  Even now at 48 I constantly have cysts.

So I learned that I didn't match up.  I was criticized for being me. Others were better at things than me, even if I was putting in huge effort.  I just wasn't very good.

No one I feel like I don't know who I am.  I basically appalled and ashamed at who I am and who I want to be. I am effectively hiding from myself.

Even though she's gone I still feel her judgements

Hi guys

I currently feel that I'm going around in circles.  I'm hitting a brick wall.  I seem to come back to the same situation: overthinking, perfectionism and shame. This causes me into dysregulation, so I'm not functioning or I resort to poor coping skills/behaviours. That causes my inner critic to go into overdrive; I make errors due to being partially disconnected/dissociated; I act weird, overshare or go into avoidance.  My body is flooded with adrenaline and cortisol. This causes more deregulation, and the spiral continues.  As, I said going round in circles. Or it's a cycle.

I just wondered what had worked for you? What helped break a cycle, when you were stuck. What was a break through for you - no matter how small.

OceanStar

I hear you. I understand how you're feeling.

Sometimes it's not the pain inflicted that hurts, but the absence of positive caring compassion and understanding.

Sending you a healing hug    You are listened to and understood here.

Quite often, I have thoughts that bubble up. Sometimes they're just there, and sometimes I really engage with them.

A thought I have quite often is about likeability.  How some people are just instantly likeable. Those people seem to attract others effortlessly.  They're people magnets.

When I notice this, I can't help realising that I'm the the antithesis of those people.  I'm very rarely instantly liked.  I don't attract people.

In fact, I'm very hard work ( and that's me be realistic and honest, it's not me beating myself up).  I'm confusing and hard to understand.  However, I genuinely think that I'm with knowing.  I'm loyal, honest and very, very caring.  Deep down, I think I'm clever and witty and in some ways pretty cool.

And yet, no-one make the effort.  Well, very very few do. And usually, those that do get to know me do it because they had to (i.e. a work colleague who had been moved to sit with me/near me). They rarely get to know me through choice.  Admittedly, they're always quite surprised when they get to know the 'real' me.  I'm often told that I've changed or 'come out of my shell'. But actually  it's just my guard had dropped due to spending time together and then being around me for a while.

It bothers me that I don't have likeability. I suppose it's just another thing where I can think "what's wrong with me?".   But it is also a problem because it makes me crave that kind of attention even more.  That, then, in turn, fuels my awkwardness and people think a I'm odd...or needy...or probably both. And then I will want to withdraw.

The only thing worse than being invisible and overlooked is someone taking a disliking to me.  And this seems to happen quite a bit.  We all make snap judgements, and I'm know I've judged people too.

They're are two types of instant dislike. First there's those who just decide they don't like you and you don't connect. Then there's those who will actively dislike you, and there those who will make you unhappy.  I've come across a few of those people in my life.  And no matter what you do, you'll never convince them that you're worthy and you'll never be able to change their opinions of you.

I can think of at least four or five people in my life like this.  And I found their opinions (i.e prejudice = judgement without knowledge of me) difficult to comprehend. Their treatment was very very harmful and scarred me. I suppose you'd say these people are bullies or narcissists. Others would call them perfectionists, powerful or headstrong.

I've never been be able to comprehend why they took an instant dislike to me.  And even harder to understand was their treatment of me.  They always made me feel inferior and sub standard.

Strangely one of the people who did this to me was my mother.  I find it hard to consider her a narcissist (even though she was very vain about her appearance), but she definitely bullied me. I can clearly say she scapegoated me too. I was the black sheep and my brother, then subsequently my daughter was the golden child.

There were definitely times when my own mother didn't like me. She couldn't accept that I didn't match up to her idea of what I should be (yes, that is a narcissistic trait).  The feeling of her disapproval and dislike was horrible.

To my mum, when things went wrong, or generally needed fixing, then it was up to me to fix. Quite often she would assume I'd not get it right. She would guilt me into doing stuff but I'd never get any credit for it.

I very rarely remember her being impressed or pleased with me. But generally speaking I think I have no charisma and my charm rarely works.

When our family was dysfunctional and I spoke out she was the main opponent.  She'd deride me and make out I was in the wrong. She would suggest that I was overreacting and bad tempered.  She likened me to me father, who had some kind of mental illness, possibly Borderline personality. So she was saying I was unstable and reactive. But I was isolated, ignored and felt totally disliked in my own family group.

It suited everyone's purposes to go with what my mother said. So they all backed her up. That hurt....a lot.

It wasn't until my mum passed away, and having long term therapy that I understand what happened. Since that time my husband and daughter have understood what happened and they have validated me and what I felt back then.

I grew up in a domestically violent home. My mum suffered terribly. She left when I was 16. I'd always expected that we'd have a proper mother-daughter relationship when we were away from my father and the fear. But what happened was she put herself first. I can appreciate that, but I couldn't understand the distance between us. I had to make the effort to keep the relationship going.  If I didn't go to see her, she wouldn't come to see me.

It's only now, that my daughter is the same age as I was when my mum left, that I realise what a mum should be doing and feeling.  I want to spend time connecting with my daughter. I want to make sure she is okay.

My mum could have been closer to me. She could have been there for me. And that didn't mean going back home to my abusive father. It didn't mean sacrificing her new relationship. It wouldn't have taken much effort or time. But she didn't make the effort. I was left by myself.

She made me feel abandoned. She didn't seem interested. Later in life she'd be critical of me or purposely  oppose my opinions.  In hindsight, it seems that she didn't like me. She favoured my daughter over me - I could never compete with her.

So at the bottom of it all, I didn't feel liked by my own mum. So when I'm overlooked, or someone instantly and actively dislikes me, it seems that is how the world should be. I'm not likeable.

Think it's time for a second journal. My last one was long enough.

Deep Blue

It's totally right that you put yourself first. 

I hope that you make progress on the path to healing and coming to terms with the past.

Sending you hugs and support