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My whole life I have had to put on a good show outside of my home. My M would expect me to to care for little brother who was only two years younger. I was the scape goat and am still trying to process that. Why everything was always my fault, and nothing I did was ever good enough?

I'm a master of the two way mirror making it look good on the out side.  I'm really starting to struggle though when it comes to dealing with and interacting with my M. 

I have come to believe that she falls squarely in the category B of personality disorders.  However she believes she is perfect and will never see it differently.  The world sees her shiny perfect front, I even think my dad only sees that.  My husband and kids don't understand why I can't be around my M and don't really want them to be either?

I don't know how to move past the hole I am in. When the mirror shows her perfect. But I can see behind the shine.

*trigger warning emotional/sexual and physical*  First time posting not really sure how the warning goes.

I've been in counseling for a while now from the start I was labeled with PTSD with dissociation and a fractured personality.  When I started there were two of me.  Initially I was seeking help cause as at 15 I was in a horribly abusive relationship with a guy that was 6 years older than me.  He manipulated, beat, and raped me for over a year.  When it was over I boxed it up tight and moved on.

I thought this was why there was two of me and why I was loosing my mind 20 years later as I was starting my own family.  When  I started into counseling My fracture was out most of the time and my box was broken.  Having worked through this trauma I stopped hiding which inadvertently made the fracture reintegrate and then I started looping getting stuck in my own head.

The thing I realized is that I initially left  when I was 6.  The thing is the person who was suppose to love me and care for me and be my mom...  We looked like the perfect family Mom, Dad, two boys, and a girl, went to church every time the doors were open.  I was never good enough, I was two when my little brother came home from the hospital and became my charge.  When I screwed up I got beat and told how dumb I was. At 6 my Best friend died in a fire my parents told in the morning.  My dad let me cry for a minute before she rushed me to get ready for school and sent me to school on the bus.  When the school called to tell her I cried all day at school I got in trouble when I got off the bus.  That's when I split myself because I couldn't see how else to survive. 

So I walked into counseling two days ago struggling with why I wasn't good enough to love my mom's horrid words looping through my head and my counselor reads me the definition of CPTSD and some symptoms and says this is what we have been dealing with this is a better diagnosis for you.  My brain just goes great a new thing to fixate on another thing to throw into my already over taxed not sleeping head to think about.    Now ?