i have been trying to work up the courage to begin again here, and today i have decided to just make a start even if it's just a little one.
today i got the news of the death of a very dear friend i had in the JP. not unexpected (she had cancer) but i am so very sad that she has gone. and angry. and confused about how such a beautiful person, inside and out, was struck down before her time. she was a person who i always felt loved by, even after i left the JP and went NC. and even when she got sick. she was a truly good person. the world is poorer for the loss of her and i am grieving.
the last half a year or more has been very difficult for me. i suppose the truth is i have gone through another complete breakdown, this time triggered by my brother and his appalling behaviour, by a therapist who betrayed my trust, and a couple of other things. and i have lost so much ground in terms of my journey to 'recovery' that i am wondering if it will ever be possible for me to make a life for myself. or even regain the ground i lost.
i feel more daunted than ever by the prospect of even looking at the pain inside, the things that i have worked so hard the last months to blank out, not feel, not think about. but i know that not feeling, not thinking, is just making me more and more depressed and i don't want to go back to the state i was in at the end of last year. it is a bit of a miracle that i survived that, i was very close to doing something very stupid.
somehow, i have to find a bit of hope for myself again. how is it that it is so much easier to have hope for other people than it is for yourself??
i know that i need to have a bit of support and this is the only place i can say some things with any hope of anyone actually understanding. i just hope i can be brave enough to risk it again.
today i got the news of the death of a very dear friend i had in the JP. not unexpected (she had cancer) but i am so very sad that she has gone. and angry. and confused about how such a beautiful person, inside and out, was struck down before her time. she was a person who i always felt loved by, even after i left the JP and went NC. and even when she got sick. she was a truly good person. the world is poorer for the loss of her and i am grieving.
the last half a year or more has been very difficult for me. i suppose the truth is i have gone through another complete breakdown, this time triggered by my brother and his appalling behaviour, by a therapist who betrayed my trust, and a couple of other things. and i have lost so much ground in terms of my journey to 'recovery' that i am wondering if it will ever be possible for me to make a life for myself. or even regain the ground i lost.
i feel more daunted than ever by the prospect of even looking at the pain inside, the things that i have worked so hard the last months to blank out, not feel, not think about. but i know that not feeling, not thinking, is just making me more and more depressed and i don't want to go back to the state i was in at the end of last year. it is a bit of a miracle that i survived that, i was very close to doing something very stupid.
somehow, i have to find a bit of hope for myself again. how is it that it is so much easier to have hope for other people than it is for yourself??
i know that i need to have a bit of support and this is the only place i can say some things with any hope of anyone actually understanding. i just hope i can be brave enough to risk it again.