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I hear you, and I believe you.
My ex was/is an alcoholic verbal abuser. Ten years together did a number on me, and I spent two years single after I left, just trying to get my head on straight again. I think it has only been in the last six months my teenager and I have actually begun to really move on. It's been 3 years since I left.

   I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time, but as stated before me- it really does sound like splitting up was in your best interests.
I don't think my ex was autistic (I think my current partner might be on the spectrum, but who knows for sure) but my ex was definitely bipolar or something.
I have a long trauma history, so when you said you've never known what it feels like to be loved and care for in an intimate relationship. Well. Neither had I.
Until now. I actually thought I would grow old and die never knowing what it felt like to be truly loved. And the truth is, as long as I stayed with my ex, that was a guarantee. I would have had more success sprouting an extra pair of arms, and flying to Mexico.
But after taking a long long time to recover.. I did start to get out there. I wanted to make friends. 4-5 months after I started getting out in the world again, I met my husband who, while we both have our issues- I know this man loves me like I have never been loved. His love and care have healed and is still healing many wounds.  You too will heal- first on your own, like you have already been doing- (way to go, you!) and later, when you do meet someone who values you, and treats you the way you should be treated, with love, care, and honour.. You will heal even more. But here's the rub-
It's terrifying.
(At least it was for me- your mileage may vary)
Because I had never experienced the way 'normal' couples interact- so when he did typically 'normal' things, I had no idea how to handle it! It freaked me out! Lol!
Then I would do half an hour of internal self talk- 'why did he do that? Why did he say it that way? Is he secretly crazy and I don't know it yet? Is he trying to trick me?  Sucker me again? What's his game?'

But there was no game. I just had to learn to live again
And with a lot of time and patience, you will learn to live again, too. It's slow going sometimes, and the road is often bumpy. But you will get there. I believe there is a heart out there somewhere right now, that is meant to love you. And in the meantime you are doing all the right things by trying to heal yourself as much as you can. It's a tough job, but you are doing great!
Don't give up ❤️

Thank you everyone for your support. It feels better to know I'm not alone-  though I wouldn't wish this on anyone
It is so sad that I can't talk to him about things. I wanted a man who could be strong for me, but he just doesn't have it to give.
I love him though, and will stick it out for a while and see if I can't work through it. I agree with the boundaries thing, I definitely need work on that.
I will try to walk away and say time out, but when he is mad, he just follows me around even if I try to go to the bathroom. I will read the boundaries link and try to firm up my walls, lol
I am so grateful to all of you. This is so hard.
I feel like not only has my trauma ruined my own life, but now, it's ruining his too.

 
   So my man says he has CPTSD. He for sure has PTSD, and I don't want to trifle over details, I guess...
I have CPTSD.

  We get along in so many ways. We only fight over one thing, ever. (Sex)
We have the same morals and values, we have the same dry sense of humour, we love animals and the earth. Plus we both think the other is pretty snackalicious
SO, it kills me that we fight about sex. A lot. Way more than we ever have it.
My point, and I do have one, is that he keeps venting at me, telling me how 'effing frustrated' I make him, and how MY issues are ruining our sex life, and HE never had issues like this before, etc etc.
He tells me it's been over a YEAR since we have been together and 'why am I still like this? Why do I STILL not 'get' things the way others do? Why is this STILL a problem? Then (it feels to me) like he hijacks my experience (not sure if that's the right way to put it) but if I have an insecurity, and I tell him, suddenly he's all offended saying ' I've been a good man for a year why do you STILL doubt me? Haven't I EARNED. A little trust etc?
So Im All, 'dude, it isn't about YOU, it's about me trying to make sense of my world and how I function in it"
But he takes it as a personal attack, then lashes out at me.
I've told him I can't keep doing this- so I get triggered- and then YOU YELL AT ME FOR OFFENDING YOU-
Because my CPTSD got triggered.
What I don't get is how he can have CPTSD himself, yet be completely clueless as to what is happening for me.
He says I the moment when I do or say something stupid that offends or angers or hurts his feelings, he says he feels like I am doing it ON PURPOSE.
Despite knowing otherwise.
I said well I have been a good woman to YOU for a year- don't I at least deserve the respect >>>>I <<<< have earned  over a year of being a good woman, being honest, kind, loyal, committed, why just jump to the idea that I'm a hagg who's hurting you on purpose? Is that consistent with your experience of me over the year?
Anyway. I just don't get how two ppl with CPTSD can make it work.
I've told him I am getting to the point where it is too hard for me. And I always lose anyway.
Would you play poker if I told you the ante was 100$ and there was NO CHANCE you could win?
Yeah. Didn't think so.
Le sigh. Thanks for letting me get that out.
Nobody in my world understands