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I've just read your latest post sanmagic and I'm so happy for you and your healing day/moment. Well done to you, I know it's painful and sad but these healing moments keep us all going!

Hi guys,

I just briefly read both you posts but I am going to re-read again slower in a moment. Does it sound like an EF? I still can't recognise them?

I just had a long bath and logged on here to write the following ...

"I feel disconnected today.

The only words I can think of are missattuned- disconnected and lonely. Alone.

I wonder if I am regressing to childlike feelings or something.

I don't even know whether misattuned is a word."

So that does seem to match what you've said... I keep crying. Really proper crying earlier and just sad crying in the bath.

Sanmagic, part of your post made me cry too - the understanding and sympathy/kindness made me cry - I don't know why, thank you.

I am so, so pleased your daughter was able to give you that reassurance. Well done you for asking for it! I struggle to ask for "my needs to be met" - mainly because as silly as it probably sounds, I don't really know what they are.

I don't know what I need. I crave isolation but I'm sure that feeds my abandonment feelings. I crave affection yet when my BF is here, I become easily irritated and snappy... I'm tired but I don't want nightmares.

It all sounds very dramatic on paper (virtual paper!) but I can't think of any better way to express it.

I'm now going to read them tips properly. Thank you.

Journal entry - Monday 30th Jan.

I don't feel very happy today.. or yesterday actually. I am not entirely sure why really.  Me and [boyfriend] argued yesterday over money and not being able to book a holiday this year... the row was stupid but we just didn't understand each other at all and it was getting more and more angry so I went and got ready and went out on my own. I went shopping but I was obviously in a really bad mood. I text him and explained why I was so annoyed and he said he was too. That was it really, I went home a few hours later and there was a bit of an atmosphere all day.. I felt *.. he was trying to get things back to normal but I couldn't and stayed pretty off all day.

Wake up today having had a bad dream. I dreamt I was in a room, about to be abused by him again (real life abuser from when I was young) and that a girl mate of mine told me to say no to him.  So I did. I told him no, I didn't want to do it. I told him that it hurt and he couldn't make me.  I was very scared and was dreading what was going to happen next... luckily he just left.  The girl mate of mine then appeared in the room and I told her that I couldn't believe t was that easy, I should have said no the whole time but I also said I was worried what he would do to get his revenge.

Not a nice dream to have although I guess it could have ended much worse..... I had also had a dream Friday night and [boyfriend] had woken me up at 5am because I was crying/sobbing in my sleep. I had a dream that I was with my therapist and we were talking about how my mum has never been attuned to me - I was so upset in the dream (and then in real life).. I can only assume that something is being worked through in my dreams and maybe that is affecting my moods.

I got to the station today and there were no trains. I waited over an hour before I decided to turn around and head home to work from home.  I saw [boyfriend] on the way back and we had a quick coffee together. He spent most of the time on his phone.  I feel so disconnected today. I know couples argue and that it's still safe really but it doesn't feel it. It feels so far from safe. I feel like I'm trying to act tough and strong and I think the moodiness is covering up that I feel so scared and like everything is all shakey.  I am now crying as I write this so clearly I've touched on something.

My patience is so thin at the moment. I've just had an email from a guy at work who said he will be calling me to talk me through a large task he needs from me  - I just can't concentrate. The dog next door is howling and I feel utterly *.  I am aware I feel disproportionately bad for the situation.

When I left the coffee shop, I left [boyfriend] in it, he was going to wait for a train - I had to stop myself from crying. Why was I crying just walking out of the coffee shop?

Why does it feel so scary and broken and fragile and why do I feel so moody and upset? what is going on?

Sorry for my silence! I forgot my password and got locked out of the site until Kizzie got IT on the case!!

sanmagic - I have just read your comments, I get what you mean about "st" people, I haven't taken offence whatsoever but you are right, there is definitely a want to be "special" to my Therapist. I admit that. I am glad you like the journal idea and feel free to steal away!! I like that you will be doing it too!

Thanks three roses... they are useful and I agree with what you say... but that was my own minimisation... or invalidation.... nobody else's - I'm curious if this is a know actual abusive thing on her part (clearly something weird on mine) or whether all kids said this to their parents??

I've tried to google this in case I'm alone here, but I can't find anything.

Did anyone that was hit as a child say "that didn't hurt" even when it really did?

I just remembered that my mum would hit me and I would say that, when I did she would hit harder and sometimes I would say this 2/3 times until the pain really was unbearable - I've just questioned is this really awful and abusive or am I being silly??

Ah thank you sanmagic7, thank you for reading my posts and for taking the time to reply - it's lovely Knowing people are listening and can understand.

Do you really think I'm moving along? It does feel like things have ramped up a bit this week I have to say....

I meant to say transitional, not transformational haha but glad you knew what I mean! And I love that it's struck a cord with you somehow. It does sound like the girls used it that way - isn't that lovely?

As for sustainable feelings - exactly that!! My T also says i need to try and find a way to just stay with the feelings and not try and think my way out of them or banish them completely. I certainly do try and intellectualise my way out of the feelings I guess I must find them scary?

Anyway, thank you for replying and for your encouragement and the hug! Sending a hug right back!!

Just another thought... following on from my previous post...

I think having the book is keeping me contained somehow - knowing that I have a "bit of her" with me - I have something that I can discuss with her - we can share together. I know how much I like to journal after my sessions and in-between and I had this idea... what if I ask her, would it be okay if I started a therapy journal but one that I would bring to each session with me and we could use it to discuss feelings or thoughts that happen between sessions - or/and dreams? I wouldn't necessarily NEED to use it or for her to see it every time or anything, but I think it might help me to hold myself a  bit more between sessions.  Sometimes if I have a bad day or I am feeling particularly low, I need to email her - to reach out and to get some soothing (I guess?) it seems I am unable to hold that until I next see her.  Other times, like today, I am in a good mood and feeling really happy because I felt such a connection yesterday but then I have so many thoughts and so much to write (as you will see!) - perhaps if I could write knowing she would read it, that would help? It might also help me to address the more embarrassing or awkward things that pop up because she would read it or I would read it to her rather than going in there trying to decide whether to say it or not and trying to decide when and how to bring it up.....  I haven't ever asked for something that I would like or need before but I think I've learnt that I would probably be safe to with her..... I can't see any real reason that she would say no to it.. I don't expect her to read every entry or anything.......

I also think sometimes that is why I do so much reading and writing between sessions anyway, I think it keeps that link there or something....

Also, I read something earlier about how someone was worried what "type of client they were"  - and the fear of burning their therapist out - being the worst client, the one that drained them the most and I realised that I definitely have this worry.  I worry I am the "neediest" client and that she has to psyche herself up to see me, or that she rolls her eyes or sighs when another email from me pops up.  I guess I worry I am too much for her and I think that is potentially something I should discuss with her at some point.. perhaps it can go in the first part of my new "journal" idea?

Hi Dee, yeah I know its very common in children's therapy but seems it is pretty common with adults too.  The reason I asked this question was that my T lent me a book yesterday - not as a transitional object - just because it's about something I am interested in and it's made me realise that I am perhaps viewing it as one to a degree - I am enjoying reading it knowing it belongs to her, I am enjoying seeing her manuscript notes - knowing that when I see it in my house, in my bag etc that it is kinda a piece of her... I know that might sound silly.. I just wondered if anyone has had this conversation with their T or whatever?

Transitional object – book: women and their therapists – yesterday's session

It's Friday 20th January 2017.  I had my session yesterday afternoon as usual with T.  I left laughing and feeling very happy, more than usual. I also left carrying a book that T said I could borrow called "In session: a woman's bond with her therapist" which I have started reading and is very good.  I left T's and drove to a busy place to pick up my exercise bike and also buy Boyfriend's birthday present.  I got home and felt even happier because I had successfully driven to a really busy area, merged on the A roads easily and navigated myself around when I took a wrong turn, reversed onto my drive AND then went on to managing to build the exercise bike on my own. I felt good and had a really lovely sense of proudness at my achievements which is quite rare for me. 

In session me and T had been talking about touch in therapy – mainly hugs.  I told her about an article I had read on the way to her - https://boundaryninjatales.com/2011/10/25/why-your-therapist-seems-cruel-but-really-isnt/ .  I said that it had fascinated me and had really made me understand. I spoke to her about the fact that I think some of my reluctance of crying in there is that it triggers me back to my m just watching me and being unable to offer me a cuddle or anything.  That is something I always really craved. I said when I was younger, crying wasn't allowed, you would hear things about not being "hard done by" or "giving you something to cry about" or "knocking you into next week" etc etc – I also said about a friend of mine saying that I looked ugly when I cried and various other things.  We spoke about the issue with touch in therapy and how it could sometimes lead to all sorts of issues – bringing on erotic transference and all sorts of things. She said that she wouldn't ever say never and that there isn't really a one size fits all approach but that she was aware I had Boyfriend and so had someone to have physical affection and comfort from.  She asked me whether I felt scared to tell her about how I might want a cuddle from her if I was crying in therapy and found it very awkward that she would just sit and watch? I said I wasn't scared but I was a bit embarrassed/awkward yes. She asked if I was scared she would just bluntly say absolutely no way would I ever give you a cuddle and I said maybe but more it was that I didn't WANT her to cuddle me because I would find that so weird and awkward too and I was worried if I told her I thought I needed that, she would give me it and it might not be – I said it was complicated. T said something about how she wouldn't do that and how she respected me and my own boundaries and space.  We spoke about how it is important that I can talk to her about these things because it helps us to understand things and we can work it through. 

This conversation reminded her of a book she has on her book shelf as mentioned above. She asked me if I would like to read it and I said yes please! She quickly flicked through it to check she hadn't written in it in case there was anything that might upset me – she said there were some squiggles in there probably from her having written an essay and she said to make sure if anything upset me or affected me, to let her know next time and we could talk about it. I said I would.  She said that she would need it back because they didn't sell it anymore or something like that, I can't quite remember now. 

Anyway, I put the book on my passenger seat next to my handbag as I drove off and remember smiling and really liking that she had leant be the book. Was it because it was HER book or was it because of the actual book? I think it was because it was HER book and if I am totally honest, the squiggles and odd notes throughout the book that she's made in pencil, seem to excite me more because I know that she has held the book and she has written those notes and read those exact bits of the book and so she really gets it and understands it.. I found myself on the train this morning flicking through just to the bits she had marked up to see what they said.  I also noted putting the book into a bag this morning when I parked my car at the station and thinking, oh my god, imagine if I lost this book or left it on the train? She would never forgive me or trust me again!....  clearly having something of T's is a very big deal.

We have spoken about transitional objects in the past and T has said that sometimes clients might ask to borrow something from "the room" to help them connect with her. I remember at the time thinking that was silly and also thinking I would never be able to ask for that, how embarrassing. I remember thinking how could an object, let's say, a crystal stone thing, would help with that? But perhaps I am now experiencing the book as a transitional object? I do love reading anyway and I am always reading different books on my therapy but it isn't the same when I just order a book she might mention.  However, saying that, a year or so ago she told me about a book called "The Body Speaks The Mind" and I have that on my bedside cabinet, along with a book on dreams – the book definitely reminds me of her knowing she recommended it and I like that when I am at her's, I can see her copy of the same book on the shelf.  I then remembered that I have her business card in my purse and that it has been there since the first appointment I had with her, which was about 3 years ago now.  I don't need the card because I obviously have her mobile number and email address in my phone and I know where she lives because I drive there twice a week.. so perhaps that is a bit of a transitional object to in a way....

Later on in the session, we were speaking about my grandparents and she asked me whether I had seen a programme/film over Christmas called "Ethel and Ernest" – I said that I had recorded it over Christmas but hadn't yet watched it. She said she thought I would like it. I said that I had recorded the Call The Midwife special over Christmas but hadn't yet seen that either and she said she loved that and that the new series started Sunday – I loved that we both liked the same programme. Somehow it made me want to watch it even more.  I told her that I loved the blonde lady in it and that her clothes and fashion sense were what I would like to have looked/dressed like back then.  She said she liked historical dramas (stupidly I didn't really know what that meant) but now I do and I loved that when I realised too because I love things like Victoria and the classics done by the BBC like Jane Eyre and other programmes like Poldark etc.  I guess it made me feel more connected to her in a way and I liked that we had similar interests. 

I realised that the combination of her reacting so well to understanding what I said about the affection thing, lending me the book, finding out we like similar programmes and the fact we laughed a few times during our session left me feeling incredibly happy and contented and at ease – it clearly also gave me a confidence boost and reassured me of my abilities which was why I then happily drove off around all these places and fast road etc that I would normally be nervous of, managed to build the exercise bike when I would usually not even try!! It's like I am beginning to really feel a connection when I see her and it is making me feel more secure – exactly what it is meant to do I guess. 

I will be really interested to see what the rest of the book brings up for me but I think that it is going to really help me get over my shame feelings about being too needy or vulnerable or whatever – knowing certain things are quite normal in the course of therapy seems to be helping already. Already it's made me able to acknowledge the book being more than just a book and I've not even got that far into it yet!!

Hi all,

My therapist leant me this book yesterday and I have to say, already it is wonderful.  For anyone in psychotherapy, dealing with issues or resistance to attachment towards their therapist, for issues with transference and everything else - this book is amazing.   

Apparently it's something of their's or that they get for you which you basically use as a way to kinda connect with your therapist.... it's a bit like a baby that carries a soft blanket or teddy?

Have any of you asked for or been given something from your therapist that you use as a "transitional object"?

Journal Entry - 18th Jan 2017 (some triggers in this about violence)

I went to therapy last night and we discussed my email ("I hate it all").  She said she could really hear the pain I was in and I told her that since I saw her last Thursday and had my "big revelation" I spent the rest of the afternoon/evening sad and teary. I told her that I booked Friday off of work to be home alone which is what I felt I needed.  She said she understands that sometimes when I am feeling like this, I need to be alone to try and process some of it. I said yes, and that the real world is just too hard when I just need to not have to try and be an adult at times like that. I needed warmth and sleep and stuff.  She seemed to get it.  I said I was okay over the weekend because the kids kept me busy (step-kids stay at weekends) - and she nodded as this is usually the case.  I said come Monday, I felt a bit down again and I wasn't entirely sure what my thoughts or feelings were so that is why I wrote my journal and that journal lead me to the I hate it all post/email to her.  I said after I wrote it, I cried my eyes out in the toilet at work.  She said that it was good I managed to write it out and good that I managed to cry and get in touch with it/release it a bit.  She suggested that when I feel like that, exercise/something physical like a run might help to disperse some of the tension in my body. I said I used to but I have a problem with my foot at the moment - plantar fasciitis and am having physio for it so I can't.  She spoke about the mind/body link and was quite interested in how I have developed this during my struggle in therapy as the feet symbolise walking - advancing etc.

She spoke about how [another word for "staying with" or "allowing"] the feelings was all I needed to be able to do and that I don't have to find the answers of what to do to get rid of them - she made reference to the fact I said I wasn't sure if I needed to cry, scream or run away.  Basically trying to find a way to rid myself of the bad feelings.  I understood this but said I don't like how it feels and so I like to try and figure out what the feeling is, why it is and then how to get rid.  I hadn't really thought about why I do this before but I guess its a control thing somehow.

She then asked me where the sadness/tears were... this is a very common question for her. I said, I don't know. I said it is there - I can feel it. She nodded and said she could see it sitting in the bottom of my eyes.  I said that I can feel the sadness, I can feel it in my eyes and in my throat and that I actually WANT to be able to cry.  I said that I purposely sent her the email so that I couldn't hide from it, to force myself to deal with it and she said I shouldn't FORCE myself but that she knew what I meant.

She asked me what it is I am afraid of. I said I didn't know.  She asked if I thought she would tell me off, laugh or get annoyed etc. I said no, not really, I knew she wouldn't.  I said if I said a particularly hard sentence then I might cry but generally I can just feel the wave come and then go again.  She spoke about my mum's reaction to me crying as a child and I said that she would send me to my room to cry - she said that is probably why I always tend to cry on my own. I agreed. 

She said that there is something very healing about being able to cry in therapy and have someone "sit with you" whilst you do in a supportive way.  I said that when I cried as an adult, even now, she would literally sit and watch me cry - she could never reach out to me physically and that is what I always wanted.  She asked what I thought my mum was thinking when she would just sit there watching and I said I wasn't sure.  She said do you think she got some perverse feeling from enjoying me in pain?  I said I wasn't really sure what I thought that she thought, I just always wished she could have comforted me and she never could.  She said that she will need to be careful of just saying nothing if/when I cry to her then because it might trigger me. She said something about my mum being a "voyager".

She said that I shouldn't be telling myself off for not being able to cry or whatever and that things will come in time.

I went home and Googled "not being able to cry in therapy" and also wrote a post on here and another site I am on to see what people have said about it before.. the general themes I have found seem to be about shame, about trust (lack of), control ..I am trying to see which I think is really mine...

Is it enough that her watching me crying in therapy taps into my need of physical touch/connection with my mum?  I feel that might be the reason but maybe she doesn't think so because I've said that to her and she is still asking me "what I am afraid of" so clearly she doesn't?

I then read a bit about shame - she mentioned to me that she thinks I am scared of my own anger and I agreed. She read a line from my email which said "My whole body feels like its angry. My arms are physically tingly. I am holding my breath again and feel like I am trying so hard to keep it all inside in case I release it all in a bad way, at the wrong time or to the wrong person. I feel sick."... I said yes, I worry that I might explode when I feel like that.  She said - you are worried you will hurt/explode at the wrong person and cause damage and I said yes. I said that I only tend to show my moodiness/miserableness/anger to my other half and that I was worried I would go at him and then ruin my relationship.  She spoke about how my mum often "exploded" in rage attacks when I was young and I agreed and said that she still did. I said that even now, her and my younger sister argue so often and it seems to be that whenever my mum is in a bad mood, she throws all her negative feelings at her (this used to happen to me but I don't live there now) - she said yes, she projects it all off of her, and onto someone else. 

Thing is, today, I keep getting these memories/flashbacks whatever of something from when I was younger which most definitely make me feel shame - I don't really allow myself to go into the feeling/memory before I try and avoid the memory because I am worried about sharing it, telling anyone and even admitting it to myself.  I have things I am ashamed of growing up - mainly all attempts to get my mum's approval, love and acceptance (that I never did get) but top of the things that I am ashamed of, and I guess that coincide with anger... is this...

When I was younger, I used to look after my little sister. She is 7 years younger than me.  My mum was working until 10pm at night and was out at weekends with boyfriends/friends so I pretty much looked after her all of the time.  I was at school myself and would come home and look after her, cook for her, bath her, dry her hair, put her to bed, you know the stuff.... but I was also trying to have a social life myself, have friends and boyfriends and be a teenager which was impossible to do when you suddenly become pretty much a caregiver for someone 7 years younger than yourself.  Anyway, I have this particular horrible imagine of me and my sister fighting and arguing and me throwing her backwards away from me and her bursting into hysterical tears - omg that feeling. The shame!!! The horror and the fear of what I had done, how much I had hurt her, what my mum would say/do... I was horrified and ran to her trying to cuddle her and apologise and stop her crying. I felt awful. She pushed me away and said she would tell and I am pretty sure I probably bribed her somehow not to - I can't really remember now.  I didn't think much of this until recently but now I feel really, deeply ashamed. How could I hurt someone so young and someone who was probably just trying to play with me or even just wind me up in a normal sisterly/sibling way? What if I had really hurt her, like properly? And now I am in recovery myself, I guess I realise that everything I went through and felt, she did to and to make her's worse, I was hurting her and pushing her attempts at being close to me away? agh god. 

I wonder today, is this when I became scared of my anger?

When else have I been that angry?...... in recent years, I got triggered by something my other half said (about a year or so ago) and flew into a jealous rage which resulted in be ranting and attacking him verbally for hours - drink fuelled too, wasn't a pretty site.  I actually ended it with him and woke up feeling horrendously ashamed of myself and panic-stricken that he would leave me (after all, abandonment is my very deepest core wound) - he didn't but he did tell me that it was the worst he had ever seen me, that he doesn't want to ever witness a repeat of the night before and that he was disappointed in me... wahhhhh... the next day I cried all day and he was pretty off with me (understandably I know).. the night after I went to stay at my mother's house (great idea!!) to get away - in my head it was so that he would miss me, so I couldn't do any more damage and to be honest, probably so that it was my idea rather than his to "leave"... sadly what ended up happening was my mum telling me that I've changed since being with him, that she thinks he is emotionally abusive to me for saying he was disappointed, that everything I done and said was totally reasonable and understandable (it really wasn't, believe me!) - and various other things.  It was then that I realised I had just ran from one fear straight into the arms (metaphorically, obviously given she can't hug me) of someone who abused me and neglected me my entire life - the very person who caused my "issues" who was just trying to claw me back in to her control by making my other half the bad guy.... What a sh*t time that was.

As a child my mum locked me in a room because I was "having a strop" and "being a spoilt brat" and apparently I bashed the door in for ages with a hairbrush and screamed and cried and kicked. I was left in there until I had exhausted myself and then severely told off.

I once swore at my mum (by accident as I did think it was my half-sister) and my mum pulled me down from the top bunk where I was and dragged me into the bathroom where she physically rammed a bar of soap into my mouth to "clean my mouth out"....

I once called my mother a cow in front of my older cousin to look cool because she was having a go at me in front of her and my aunty.  She then chased me from one end of our bungalow to the other and managed to catch me. She proceed to sit on top of me, and hurt me..

So I guess they are some of the reasons that I am scared of anger and why I am ashamed... and there is more to come in terms of the shame I feel about things I've done to seek her approval. In fact I might write about that too and get that off my chest.

Hey sanmagic7,

Ah thank you. I guess you are right, thank you for the encouragement.  I went last night and she didn't say anything bad at all about me sending it, she didn't laugh or ask me not to email her or anything that I might have been scared of (she never has either so the fear really is quite silly).  I guess you are right though, the fact I wanted her to read how vulnerable I was feeling at the time is a step in the right direction... next step is to try and allow my tears to come and stop choking them back.... that's my next journal post funnily enough.