Question about admitting it happened

[Lakelynn]

Hi Armee 

I definitely get that punch to the gut.

You are doing the work, and making your way. However you want to handle yourself is OK. Forgetting is fine too. I don't need to say, "Listen to yourself" since you already are. I do recognize the place you're at. Virtual hugs, if you can accept them. If you can't know that healing energy is flowing your way.

[Papa Coco]

Armee

I'm glad you brought this into the open on the forum. I'm sorry it's all happening, but glad you are open about it.

My T often reminds me that I can call him when I need him, but, like you, I completely forget he exists at all when I need him the most. I guess that feeling of being alone can't exist unless I forget that there are people on my team...so, somehow, my parts help me forget I have him on my team, so they can play out their drama inside me.

You really tugged at my heart when you wrote "...all I could think was that they should have killed me and I can't fix this." I'm very glad you felt okay sharing that bit. I've felt it many times. I know you from the forum posts to be one of the kindest of souls. You not only survived, but you came out of it with a deeper and more caring way of connecting with others. I, for one, am a better person because they didn't kill you.

I often play the Scrubs jingle in my head when I feel tired of trying to heal. I sing, "I can't do this all by myself. I'm no superman."

As you work through this EF, your friends feel it with you. You're not alone. You're not required to be a superhero. It's okay to just be the beautiful soul that you are right now. The group hug emoji is made up of people who feel lonely but are finding a way to stick together...to feel utterly alone, together. (That's part of the cognitive dissonance of being who we are: We are alone together). Even in EFs.

This post takes less than a minute to read, but it took me an hour to write. That's because, like with many of the other people on this forum, I care about you enough to want to say the most honest and comforting things I know how to say. A lot of people here care about you also.

Even while you struggle, you can trust that the people here are on your side.

[Armee]

Thank you so much Papa Coco and LakeLynn. These posts made me tear up. Thanks for being here and taking the time to read and lift me up with your words, both of you. And those who read but can't respond. 

Thank you Papa C for relating to the thought of not being able to fix this and wishing for an alternate outcome, and for forgetting about your support system when you need it most. The way I look at it, similar to you and your parts, is I've been dumped into that isolated part of my brain where this drama lives. That part of my brain doesn't have access to the other parts of my brain, like the part that knows I have a therapist to turn to. All it knows is what is was like back then, and back then apparently I was all alone and couldn't fix it. And also for some reason I needed to hide my very existence such that I was hiding all my belongings so I wouldn't be noticed. It's a pretty weird feeling to catch yourself as an adult taking your shampoo out of the shower to hide it from sight. I'm not here. Shh.

Anyway,

I do feel better now not great of course but not fully stuck in that EF. I understand I have support at home, with T, and here. This place, you lovely souls yes, have been my lifeline through this whole thing. From working through my mom's shenanigans in her final months. Working through the fears of people dying and it will be all my fault. Working through the first memories that were allowed to emerge once she passed and left me in peace, and now it is time for this one.

Thank you Lake Lynn for reminding me that it is ok to not remember too and for the healing energy and hugs. I definitely felt those. Thank you both. 💕

[Papa Coco]

To your comment, "The way I look at it, similar to you and your parts, is I've been dumped into that isolated part of my brain where this drama lives. That part of my brain doesn't have access to the other parts of my brain, like the part that knows I have a therapist to turn to. All it knows is what is was like back then, and back then apparently I was all alone and couldn't fix it."

That's a perfect way to describe it. Helpful for me to see it that way also.

Yesterday I listened to a 20 minute The Biology of Trauma, podcast about how IFS parts make us sick. Dr. Schwartz said that our IFS parts don't know it's 2024. They still think it's the day of the trauma. Healing requires us to talk with those parts and show them that it's 2024 now. This is something I knew intellectually, but today, after this interaction, it's taking on a new meaning for me. It's lighting up.

That podcast was found here:  https://biologyoftrauma.com/are-the-trauma-parts-of-you-keeping-you-sick/

[Armee]

Thank you Papa Coco. I'll listen on my way home. Intellectually I know it's 2024 and I am 46 years old. But in that moment and specific to those reactions, no. But the more I can activate both parts of my brain...the here and now part and the part that is in trauma time...AT THE SAME TIME...the more I am able to build neural connections to bring present day sanity to those younger parts and build them an escape path out. 

[Papa Coco]

Yes. I went ahead and put Dr. Schwartz's books in my Audible files and am now listening to An Introduction to Internal Family Systems by Dr. Richard Schwartz. It's enlightening. While IFS concepts go back centuries, Schwartz is the person who began returning it to practices in psychology. He gave it it's new name IFS. the book is helpful. I'm learning some new things about how to bring the parts back together and blend them with both sides of our brains.

[Lakelynn]

Papa Coco,

thanks for the podcast link. I'll see what I can extract. I'm not sure if you were aware of it, but they sell "products" on that site too. I was interested in Sleep Magnesium. I'm trying to address whatever I can along the sleep lines.

Armee, I trust that you are feeling a bit better. You have a 20+ year jump with your recovery process. By that I mean you didn't wait until your 60's to face things head on. When things seem tough, remember that you made a great choice to come here, learn and grow. I'm  for you.

[Chart]

Hello all, I just want to say your posts have deeply moved me. I hear all your expressions of trying to make sense of these traumas and am truly sad this is the suffering none of us asked for that now seems to so dominate our mental resources. For me my principal trauma came to an end when I was about four years old, so I remember almost nothing and have actually had the exact opposite experience. I have spent my whole life actually trying to name my trauma... and couldn't really until I discovered cptsd about six months ago. I don't know if I should feel lucky or what. Reading your experiences makes me think the barrier of infant memory was perhaps a good thing... only it is in fact all still there. My limbic system still captured it all. But I wanted to say something else here.
I think we must also give ourselves Unconditional Trust. I have doubted myself and my emotions and my decisions and been my own most horrible critic, always wondering what was so horribly wrong with me. And I think that has to now stop. What I do and feel is ok (even if I don't like it). What others don't understand is okay too (it is perhaps impossible to truly understand an experience you have never had). I'm not sure if this makes sense, but it is ok to not be okay. In fact imagine what you went through and it didn't have much of an effect on you... THAT would be abnormal in my opinion. That I am in pain, that I panic, that my brain shuts down around certain people, that I find myself crying in the morning. Aren't we rather reacting rather "appropriately" considering the events that triggered these emotions and reactions? This is the testament of our deep sensitivity and profound humanity, no?
So I say, don't judge yourself so harshly if you can or cannot do a certain thing or are ready or not yet ready to take the next step as you see it. Jacob Ham (clinical director of trauma at Mt Sinai hospital) suggests we treat ourselves as we would treat a child. We don't judge or criticize children for things they are afraid of or unable to do. We give them time and support and love. So we should do the same for ourselves. Be kind and loving to yourself. I look myself in the mirror once per day and repeat ten times "I love you". Most of the time I don't actually "feel" this way but I do it anyway because I know it SHOULD be true, so I'm not going to give up on myself. Of all the people in our lives, why should we not love ourselves the most? That being said I thank you all and send you all my deep love and support. Your work and sharing so enriches me. I love you all, and I'm working on loving me as much as I can. Gros bisou !

[Lakelynn]

I think we must also give ourselves Unconditional Trust. I have doubted myself and my emotions and my decisions and been my own most horrible critic, always wondering what was so horribly wrong with me. And I think that has to now stop. What I do and feel is ok (even if I don't like it)

Thank you Chart, for the focus on trusting ourselves, regardless of our feelings, actions, and coping. The critic inside me is not as strong as it once was and challenging it repeatedly allows me to brush all the extra pain aside.

Thank you for writing such a loving, affirming post. These are lovely thoughts to carry into a restful night.   

[Armee]

Wise words, Chart. Thank you for being here and sharing. 

Even older stuff I don't remember other than as you say the limbic system. But I do think no remembering factually has helped me get my feet under me before digging in. If I knew the horrors I don't think my life as I know it would exist. So 3 cheers to not quite remembering.

[Lakelynn]

But I do think no remembering factually has helped me get my feet under me before digging in.

Positively agree with this.

[Chart]

Hi everybody, just wanted to say that I've decided to stop my emdr therapy. It's mainly financial but also this thread made me think a lot about what the goal was in searching for more prenatal memories. It was actually really scary to stop with my emdr therapist. I felt like I was copping out. But came back to this thread tonight and I really feel I made the right decision. At least for now. As always, thanks for the topic and all the reflective angles discussed. It really helps.

[Armee]

It's smart to listen to yourself and know when the time is right or isn't right for going in there. Healing is important I think but the timing has to be right and the pace slow. You're not copping out.

[Lakelynn]

Chart, everything Armee says is solid. I agree.

Nobody can tell you how to feel or even why you are feeling a certain way, and without knowing the most you can do for yourself is to HONOR your intuition. So many times we've been told we're wrong,somehow we misunderstood or that we're not important enough to be taken seriously.

HOGWASH! Lies, and ways people use to manipulate. Healing takes place on its own time line. One of the hardest realities I had to accept. You can always return to that method or therapist if you choose later. Circumstances are always changing. Now you know what's helpful and that contributes to your foundation. 

[Kizzie]

Hey Cactus Flower, just wanted to bring this thread back to you and see if it has been helpful for the question you asked early on about admitting it happened?