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I googled it and it's group therapy for clients of Linda Vidi life coaching and counseling.  So it's not free as you must be a client of Linda Vidi's.  I should note that we're a bit skeptical here about coaching and counseling (versus treatment) here because these practitioners typically do not have the education and training to help with CPTSD.

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS pseudonym.  I absolutely do get all that you are saying (and it wrenches my heart as do other members stories). Although I did not have a disabled sibling my family were narcissists.  You can't connect with them no matter how hard you try (because they're not really in there), and if you step outside the tight set of rules about how to behave you will encounter N rage. It's similar to what you have gone through in that nothing you do can make things any better, except stepping away.

I live in Canada so I'm not familiar with the healthcare in the USA but would it be possible to find you brother a placement in a safe and caring facility in another state? It might mean a move for your parents or you so they or you are resident and he can go to a much better facility. I know it's a lot but the common denominator here is your brother and until he's taken care of all of you will continue to suffer. 

It's similar to those of us who have abusive families and we choose to go no contact so we can have a healthier life. Very difficult but in some cases it's not really a choice.  Stay in the situation and become less healthy or step away and build a better life.

Just my thoughts. 

This topic has been moved to Sexual Abuse.

https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=12210.0

The term "coercive control" is relatively new but such an important shift in our justice/police understanding of more nuanced forms of relational trauma and emotional abuse.  This is a huge step forward in identifying abusers and holding them accountable.  Coercive control is a form of emotional abuse that seeks to take away a person's freedom and to strip away their sense of self. The person employing this type of emotional abuse creates a world in which the person experiencing coercive control is constantly monitored and criticized; their every move is checked against an unpredictable, ever-changing, unknowable rule book. Typically it is associated with emotional abuse in adulthood.

The following types of behaviour are common examples of coercive control:

•  Isolating the individual from their friends or family
•  Depriving of them of their basic needs
•  Monitoring a person via online communication tools or using spyware
•  Controlling how much money they have and how they spend it
•  Monitoring their everyday activities and movements
•  Repeatedly putting them down, humiliating them, calling them names, or telling them that they are worthless
•  Threatening to harm or kill them or their children or their pets
•  Threatening to publish information about them or to report them to the police or the authorities
•  Damaging their property or household goods
•  Forcing them to take part in criminal activity or child abuse

This above list is not exhaustive. Physical violence may be used alongside these other tactics of isolation, mind-games and the micro-regulation of everyday life or it may never be present other than as a threat or perceived.

• Coercive Control UK
• So What Exactly is Coercive Control? by Laura Richards
• Coercive Control, Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence, New York State, USA
• Coercive Control Checklist: 14 Signs Your Partner is Trying to Control You, by Rhalou Allerhand

This topic has been moved to Personality Disorder (Perpetrator).

https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=15127.0

I second everything everyone has said Little2Nothing.  I hope you have a healthy break and come back to join us at some point. 

You know, I sometimes think that nothing actually sinks in with these people. If they are told something that does not agree with their narrative they are quite capable of simply pretending it isn't so. Even if they have kicked up a fuss initially, somehow the whole thing just fades back into their own little world view. They just stick their fingers in their ears and sing "la la la".

Exactly!  And once we figure that out we don't twist ourselves like pretzels anymore because nothing works, except gray rock or no contact. They (N's) are well and truly broken. 

I don't see them as being born evil per se, rather I see most of them as ending up hurting/manipulating/gaslighting/demeaning/etc.,  others because they suffered so much trauma it caused NPD.  I don't excuse/forgive them, but it helps to understand why they are the way they are. For me it makes it all that much more important that every effort is made to ensure all children are loved and safe and nurtured.  Idealistic I know but at least we can aspire to this.

I hadn't heard of the blink technique but I can see how it would stop you from engaging.  The one I like is don't JADE - don't justify, argue, defend or explain and the other part to that is to grayrock. It really does throw them off when they can't get you to engage. Another saying I really liked and used when I was at Out of the FOG was "Don't load the drama gun".  In other words don't give them any info about you or those you care about so they don't have anything to cause you to want to fight.

The other thing that's effective is to simply walk away. I like this one the best. I've had too much N abuse and chaos in my life to give anyone who is an N another precious second of my life.

Guess we just haven't laid the trusting groundwork that would be needed for me to respond more honestly.  There was a part of me (larger than expected) that just wanted to unload on him and tell him everything.  No, I'm not okay.  I've been in an emotional flashback for two and half months, and dealing with all the instability of CPTSD and oh yeah, left my job!

I feel like there is a part of you that really wants to at least be heard and maybe it is possible. You won't ever know until you give it a shot. That said, as Phoebes suggested, when we come from families like ours it's probably best to dip a toe in rather jump straight in.  That way you can gauge what his interest in more of a relationship is and what he's prepared to hear about from you.

Recently I skipped my NM's memorial service and told my brother the reason was that I didn't feel the same way as he does about our mother and at some point if he's interested in hearing about that from me we could have a talk.  He did say he was coming our way in the fall and maybe we could get together so he didn't dismiss it out of hand and seemed interested to hear what I had to say.  I don't hold out a lot of hope for a better relationship though as he's an N too, but at least I will be heard and just that is important and enough for me. 

Kizzie

 

I just went back to the site and it's a virtual conference not an in-person one.  It doesn't sound like that but it will be via Zoom.  That's so much better than in person just from a logistical POV.

I've been at OOTS for 10 years now and with a few exceptions which you get in any group of people we are genuinely lovely, kind people.

Hello and a warm welcome Pisa, I'm so sorry for what your family put you through and that it has impact your life even into your 60's.I am 67 so CPTSD does last sadly. It does indeed sound like your F was threatened by you and isn't that a testament to how intelligent you are and that you were not the same as him or other family members when you think about it? Not that it doesn't hurt, so many of us here have dealt with similar childhoods and it does wound us deeply. I guess I'm just suggesting there may be another way to look at why he and other members of your family treated you as they did.  They really were threatened by you.

And IMO because you are here it means you are not the same as them, they would never see anything wrong in how they behaved and as such would never join a support group to figure things out and try to make things better for themselves and those around them.  But you have and now you are part of a community of survivors who are doing their level best to manage their symptoms and treat themselves and others with respect and kindness. 

One last note. My NM passed away in Nov and I did not go to her service.  I feel a smidgeon of guilt every now and then because I am a decent, kind person, but mostly I feel pride that I did not put myself through all the "She was such a wonderful person" stuff (she was a covert N and had many flying monkeys). Again, being proud of me for taking care of me is just another way of looking at things.

Kizzie

OK Cascade you've been added.

Can I just say that absolutely none of you are disgusting, it is 100% the people who abused you who are disgusting. I for one would like to see more perpetrators pay a price, even if it's years after.  Nothing sends a message that it wasn't you like justice served. 

Hi and welcome Julie     It's a relief when you finally figure out or are diagnosed with CPTSD and all the pieces just fit in place.  Or so I found anyway.  Glad you found us and I hope you find what you need here.