Struggles with inner child work

[Little2Nothing]

I have struggled with the concept of the inner child. The idea seems foreign to me. The child that was, no longer exists in my mind, he died long ago. My T has talked about doing inner child work and it makes me extremely uncomfortable. 

My issue is that I cannot reconstruct who he is, probably more accurately don't want to. I have no empathy for this seemingly fictitious person, or at least I cannot muster any empathy. Though I sometimes think my hesitance is due to my fear of what I will find if he is produced. At best I feel ambivalence and at worst I feel disdain for it. 

When we have done some parts work, which I also struggle with. I just think I don't like to look inside. I have to admit that I am always amazed at the process of talking to my parts. It is freakish how unsettling it can be. I think we came close to the so-called inner child, but he was locked inside a closet. I think I imagined him there because I don't want to meet him. I want him to be unseen for some reason and the idea of confronting that pain is overwhelming. 

This probably makes no sense at all. But, this seemed like the place to say what is on my mind. I can't talk about these things with anyone and I figured someone here would understand what I am saying. 

[woodsgnome]

Inner child work is but one of so many, many approaches to the basic quandary -- can something I find there jar me to be more 'me' now? Or something that will improve the funk felt about the childhood bit in all of this mysterious journey called life.

Maybe it's even the label that's troubling (it is to me). More work; what -- yet again? It's already been so hard, and working more will help turn the corner towards contentment?

Well, for some -- the answer is definitely yes. For others, no; and for some, it's kind of a mixed bag. For years that was the problem I had, trying to get into a place and time that really no longer exist in our reality. Ah, but we're more than just nuts and bolts reality we can measure. We all have imaginations built=in to the reality.

I remember once when I was thinking I might find ooking into this a bit useful. Somehow, either via dream or heightened imagination, I found myself in an old house (guess who's). The only 'person' I could relate to in this litte vision was a very sad, lonely mid-teen, who was in the basement, in the process of burning his high school yearbook. Not only did it just dredge up horrible recent (for him) memories of bullying and emotional terror in that book, there even one pic of the boy and it reflected a mournful downcast visage of a boy who wished he could get out of the world, somehow/someway/anyway.

I watched him burn the pic in the firepace, then decided to risk making friends with him. Startled at first, he slowly grasped that this adut -- me -- wanted to help him. The adult 'me' in that vision instinctively just asked the boy if he was up for some fun (which was definitely what my younger 'self' would have liked. He obliged and indicated he was willing to go with me. An ESCAPE; even if, of course, it was entirely imaginary and i was seeing it in my modern character.

Okay, so in these visions I always seem to be traveling on water, this time via a canoe. I beckoned the youth to come with if he wanted something different, and he was more than intrigued. "He came with, to my place in the woods, and has been at peace ever since. Okay, yes it was a vision and no, I don't regard his as being a 'real' and current presence in my life.

I'm only telling of my one try at the child part process or whatever it's called. Which brings up another approach I use in regard to it -- instead of inner child 'work' I prefer to know it as inner child 'play'. Childhood is supposed to include play, the character 'I' was back then had little play, lots of stress, and at least he got that one canoe trip in. Actually, his adult self -- 'me' -- was and is very oriented to canoes and that sort of thing.

Okay, whew -- long enough, eh? And please, know that I'm not disagreeing or diminishing the help that the processes included in FST and other approaches are not valid; they just didn't follow any set order in my case. Then again, I've always been a bit of an outlier when it comes to precisely following certain ideas about the mess of emerging from a lifetime of Cptsd and its aftershocks to the system.

I'm talked out  for the moment. May your childhood discoveries result in at least some playful ways for you if you choose to delve into that subject more thoroughly. Who knows -- maybe you'll end up re-engaging with several 'child' parts again -- if you do, I'm sure this might reflect their imaginative place in your heart ---- 

[Kizzie]

You know when I started therapy after learning I have CPTSD I also really disliked anything to do with inner child work and likely would not have liked parts or IFS therapy.  It was just unsettling and I had quite a response to doing it.  I just wasn't ready and looking back I'm glad I honoured that because therapy needs to go at our pace, when we're ready.  Perhaps you'll never be quite ready but I suspect at some point it will not be as off-putting and you'll give it a whirl.  In the meantime IMO you're in the driver's seat and you have every right to discuss going slowly with your T or not doing it at all.

One bit of inner child work that seemed to open me to the work was a T who asked me to write a note with my non-dominant hand in crayon to my IC. I didn't have to speak so that helped and somehow I felt I had made contact with her. She told me she wanted me to keep her safe and that she wanted to play more.  I took her to an African drumming class and she had a riot.  Anyway, just what worked for me but maybe give it a try when you're ready and see if doing so with just yourself is less off-putting. If/when you are interested there are lots of books about IC work you can try on your own in privacy if that is helpful. 

[NarcKiddo]

I'm going to try to remember to come back to this when I am home with access to a keyboard. I thought the whole concept of it was bizarre but I have had some contacts with my inner child that have proved helpful

[Little2Nothing]

It's good to know that others have struggled with the concept. Maybe, in the fitire, it won't be such a problem for me. 

[Blueberry]

My issue is that I cannot reconstruct who he is, probably more accurately don't want to. I have no empathy for this seemingly fictitious person, or at least I cannot muster any empathy. Though I sometimes think my hesitance is due to my fear of what I will find if he is produced. At best I feel ambivalence and at worst I feel disdain for it.

When we have done some parts work, which I also struggle with. I just think I don't like to look inside. I have to admit that I am always amazed at the process of talking to my parts. It is freakish how unsettling it can be. I think we came close to the so-called inner child, but he was locked inside a closet. I think I imagined him there because I don't want to meet him. I want him to be unseen for some reason and the idea of confronting that pain is overwhelming.

This all makes sense! Totally. I have actually done a lot of inner child work, though I don't think it was all IFS. Trauma therapists learn a new model and undoubtedly add whatever they also practise otherwise and if they're really good also take on board what their patient brings as strengths and abilities. Working with your IC is a bit like working with yourself - give yourself and your IC time! He's locked in a closet? It's safer for you and you don't want to meet him (yet?). That's OK, because that's the way it is for the time being. Maybe it's better for your IC to be there atm too? Maybe it's his Safe Place? Way back when I first started this kind of work, I felt really bad about neglecting my Inner Children (yes, I have more than one), but it was good when somebody reminded me that a) I was undoubtedly doing my best and b) they're not real external children (!) so it's OK to leave them in a locked closet (as in your case) or in my case a 2-3 year old playing at the edge of a river (she refused to leave!).

Through my inner child work, which went from small child to babyhood and then into my teens, I discovered (rediscovered?) play and creativity, through which my voice developed too - who I am etc. Anyway, enough from me, I hope that together with your T you can find some development through IC work and if not, find something that seems to work better for you/freaks you out less.

[NarcKiddo]

When I first came across the concept of the inner child I thought it was bonkers.

Then my therapist introduced me to Berne's theory of transactional analysis and the three ego states - adult, parent and child. I realised that the most dangerous part of my life was when I was an actual child with unsafe parents I could not rely on. As I grew older my mother parentified me. This tended to keep her happier than when she had to care for me. I do not relish parent state but it is way, way, way better than child state. I am easily pushed into parent state, or will put myself there, when dealing with others. Any attempt whatsoever to push me into child state results in a terribly bad reaction from me, with EFs and all sorts. Even when it is appropriate for me to be nominally in child state (for example needing my husband to look after me when I am ill) I do my utmost to avoid being in that position.

So I think anything to do with me being a child is fundamentally repellant to me, which is why inner child work does not appeal.

That said, I have had some trauma reactions which come from a child state and I have tried to comfort the child. The most notable example was a time I woke up crying in the early hours for no reason I could fathom. I had been with my T long enough by then to suspect this was an inner child reaction. I was desperate to calm her so we could go back to sleep. Enough adult NK was present to actively try comforting her. The first thing I tried was asking her what was wrong. That was the absolute worst thing I could have done and resulted in way more crying and distress. I now realise this is because my mother was intrusive and engulfing and it was utterly dangerous ever to show that something was wrong, far less tell her what it was. I next tried telling little NK she did not need to tell me anything but that she was safe with me. That worked quickly, and the success of the approach surprised me. We got back to sleep for the rest of the night.

I have had a few occasions since where I have dealt directly with the inner child and have been able to calm myself so I can function properly and rationally. I don't think I will ever particularly want to explore my inner child world in any detail. I remember very little, probably for good reason. But there are helpful aspects in at least being aware of her existence.

Just wanted to share that in case it is of any use to you.

[Chart]

I think my inner child is 100% responsible for my emotional flashback meltown seven months ago, from which I am still far from any semblance of recovery. To the contrary, my whole world has plunged right-side down. Thinking back to those 4/5 days of crisis I feel my inner child was TOTALLY AND UTTERLY in control. Absolutely no prefrontal capacity whatsoever. An immature rage of injustice surged through my entire being. My entire future changed from the decision my IC took. I "woke up" a week later wracked with remorse. I had radically deviated to the road less traveled... Perhaps less traveled because it appears to lead to *.

[Cascade]

Hey there Chart, I totally hear you.

I'm also still struggling from my own meltdown on March 1 after my inner child kept being triggered by injustices until the only tool left in the toolbox was rage.  For me, these weeks of amygdala hijacking in an EF have served as a slap in the face from my inner child to pay attention to her needs.  You've helped me see another connection to my current lack of self-care, referenced in another post as being due to shame and passive suicidal ideation.  Maybe I'm not motivated to self-care because caring is what the adult is supposed to do, and I feel absolutely no capacity to behave like an adult right now.  My inner child is screaming to pay attention to her.  The problem is that it's hard to tell her I'll take care of her when I'm not motivated to do much other than exist, and only because I am trapped into existing.

Now I'm on the less traveled road of truly recognizing CPTSD and dealing with it.  It's pretty mucky.

Wish I could help more or had some magical advice.  Here's a group hug for our inner kids, if that's okay.

   -Cascade

[Chart]

Cascade thanks, really interesting reflections. This whole thread gives me a completely different perspective on the infamous IC. Part of my problem is I just don't know what to do with my IC. Play? Protect? Go somewhere fun? Talk? I'm clueless! Even watching tv is now zero fun. I literally want to do nothing. Absolutely nothing. It's frightening. We're back to your thread and the subject of doing nothing... At least I'm responding... I guess that's something... We're communicating. And thank the stars for that. Hugs are welcome! Here's some for you!
 

[MarkTheRobot]

What I imagine if I wrote this is that the empathy I couldn't find for my IC could be the same treatment I received when I was a child. I needed empathy but there was none offered or given, so I don't understand how to show that part of me empathy because I never learned that empathy for me even existed at that age. IC work is so challenging.
I take my IC on hikes and buy him chocolate milk. I don't make him share. I tell him I love him.

[Dalloway]

I very recently started to communicate with my IC after a mental breakdown cca two weeks ago. I had a strong EF then (I remembered some particular occasions of physical abuse and the terror I felt during them) and that was a turning point for me, because I realized how abandoned my IC was all the time and that her abandonment is mine too, and I also realized that I want her to feel that I care and that she´s not alone as long as I´m here. So I decided to talk to her at least a few minutes every day.

The first day was the easiest, everything came very naturally. I imagined her sitting in a dark room, when I entered the room with a candle and sat down next to her. The words came easily, I told her how sorry I am for forgetting about her and that I want her to know that nothing of what happened to her was her fault. In the end I told her that I love her and I´ll always try to be there for her and remember her even in the midst of the biggest EFs and breakdowns. At this point I was already crying heavily. Then we hugged and just sat quietly by the candle light that illuminated only the two of us.

But the following days I found hard to talk to her. I couldn´t find the right words and my IC seemed to want to stay silent, I couldn´t make her talk. So at this point, I´m a bit desperate, because I don´t want to force the inner child work, but I want to have regular contact with her to make her feel seen and loved. Before this "exercise" I had quite ambivalent feelings towards the inner child work. As some of you mentioned here, I had a difficulty with the whole concept and couldn´t really picture a little version of me sitting and waiting inside me. My T told me that I don´t have to stick to the concept of a literal child figure if it makes me feel uncomfortable or numb. I can imagine something more abstract instead, like some light in me or an invisible part of me, that is authentic and inherently good. I don´t know, maybe that´s a good idea, too.

Anyway, I feel like there´s something inside me that needs to be nurtured and cared for, I´m just struggling with giving it a name or a shape.

[Cascade]

Hi Dalloway,
Finding the right words, name, or shape is frustrating.

I don´t want to force the inner child work, but I want to have regular contact with her to make her feel seen and loved.

The thing that came to mind as you talked about the days that were more difficult was I was so glad you didn't try to force your inner child to talk.  It's hard, but they will definitely come out when they want to.  I think just being there and checking in and telling them you love them and will be there for them is enough sometimes.

I don't even use names or shapes.  I just kind of sit in a circle of souls and see who shows up, which part of me.  I was speechless the first time my therapist asked me about ages and appearances.  Well, I don't know... I just kind of feel and hear them.  Visuals are rare, so I'm trying to work on really seeing these parts of me and what they show me of themselves.

Heck, take 'em out like MarktheRobot does and explicitly say they don't have to talk!

I take my IC on hikes and buy him chocolate milk. I don't make him share. I tell him I love him.

Keep up the great work!
   -Cascade

[CactusFlower]

I found I had to give it time. I couldn't really envision an inner child at the beginning, either. As I did more therapy, I felt like I actually have multiple inner children at different ages. Learning/Remembering later what happened at those ages made much more sense as to why they were those ages. it's also hard to find out the needs of a part of you that's either not willing to speak, isn't good at it, or too young to have full conversations.

When I was a kid, there were a lot of things I wasn't allowed to have. That's a whole other story, but yeah. As an adult now, I also don't live in an apartment with a ton of space. I've let each inner child have a shoebox of small things that make them happy. Sometimes, that's just an impulse buy and a feeling of happiness or fun, not a visual. And it's not a lot or expensive things. Like, one has 1 can of play-do clay, some funny shaped erasers, and a couple lego persons. A non-material way to gratify an inner child and show you're paying attention to them is to create a wishlist on amazon. Not that you have to buy anything on it at all, but I just said mentally to them that they can look around and put whatever they want on the list. That's often just putting in some search terms or browsing the toy category and adding something when I get an "Ooo, I like that!" feeling.

I also allowed myself to have things. I'm 54 and have a teddy bear and a bunny plushie. They're great to hold when I'm upset or freaked out. It felt weird at first, but I highly recommend. There are lots of ways we can show our inner children we're here for them, and I've found actions are taken easier than words for my younger ones.  Just give it time as you experience all this.

[Dalloway]

I think just being there and checking in and telling them you love them and will be there for them is enough sometimes.

Cascade, thank you very much for pointing this out. I just realized how important it is not to force that kid to talk. She was forced enough to do everything in a way that my M wanted. She had it enough, now she needs freedom and just doing what she wants. If it´s running in circles in the room and screaming out the pain and frustration, so be it, let´s scream. (Not literally, I don´t want to scare my old neighbors  ) It´s good to feel that intuitively I was doing something good (training the gut feelings, hurrah  ).

I also allowed myself to have things. I'm 54 and have a teddy bear and a bunny plushie.

CactusFlower, this is so beautiful and resonates with me so much. I´ve been bullied and criticized all my childhood and couldn´t do anything right in my mother´s eyes. Now I´m afraid to take even a step without checking if I´m doing it right. Having that stuffed animal, giving your inner children treats and little gifts can be so empowering. I imagine the joy of those children, it´s so powerful.