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Taking a break

Thinking of you and wishing you well for your recovery

Thank you for your post Papa Coco. The sun is shining where I am too 

Hi Shankara, I can relate to what you say about feeling shattered and fragile deep down while disciplined and functioning. Something which I have been doing recently which has helped me manage my anxiety is a 10 minute breathwork practice by Yoga with Adriene. I also try and do one of her at home yoga videos everyday if I can, even just for 20 minutes if I have a busy day. I stopped doing the 30 seconds of cold water as I found it didn't make a lot of difference for me however everyone is different so I think it's worth trying different strategies until we find what works. Wishing you well

Thank you for sharing. I really like the sense of determination your words convey applause: 

Thank you for sharing your beautiful poem 

Thank you for sharing Elf Power. Your post resonates with me.

Aside from some major events that happened, it was the relentless pattern of behaviour from my parents, some of it seemingly minor on the surface, that eroded my self-esteem over time. I only learned about narcissism and narcissistic abuse recently after being diagnosed with cPTSD and recognised all the signs in my childhood. Even knowing this as I do now, I still feel confused and doubt myself.

Like ednasurvivalmode says, feelings aren't wrong at all. I have to keep reminding myself of this because there were always negative consequences for showing feelings in the home I grew up in
yet we had to tread on eggshells around my father and endure his unpredictable mood swings.

I am so sorry for the little you who didn't get the compassion she deserved after her surgery.

Sorry I am a bit late to this thread but wanted to say thank you Shankara for starting it.

I can relate to what you wrote about waking up with fear, deep sadness about being alive and nausea. I'm glad that you found therapy helpful and yoga.

Chart, I like the idea of speaking to our inner child to comfort him/her. I will try that too.

I came across some other suggestions for morning anxiety:

- drink a large glass of water upon waking to flush out the cortisol
- 15-60 seconds of cold water at the end of a morning shower to calm the nervous system
- positive affirmations

Dear mum,

I am so sorry your mother wasn't the mother you needed but it doesn't excuse the wrong you've done to me.

Now I have become a mother, I want and hope to be the mother my son needs.

While you show indifference, I will show unconditional love.

While you tell me to give up, I will encourage him to try again.

While you show blind loyalty to your husband, I will put my son's interests first.

While you abandon me when I need you most, I will be there for him as long as he needs me.

While you make me doubt my reality, I will encourage him to speak his truth.

While you cross boundaries, I will respect his wishes for space.

While you point out all of my flaws, I will cherish his uniqueness.

While you make me feel I am nothing without you, I will encourage his independence.

While you kept secrets from me, I will be open and honest with him.

While it is too much for you when the going gets tough, I will persevere because nothing is more important than my responsibility of being his mum.

While you never admit wrong, I will say sorry and try to make amends when I mess up. And I hope he tells me when I do.

PaperDoll
 
 

Your poem is beautifully written and so moving. Thank you for sharing.

Thank you for these resources and insights. I scored 1.36 on the test so self-compassion is definitely something I will work on. I found this link to guided practices on Dr Kristin Neff's website: https://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-practices/

Thank you Blueberry, Kizzie, Papa Coco and Armee for your replies.

I'm not familiar with conversion disorder. Thank you for the links.

Papa Coco, that makes sense. I think that is what is happening to me. When there is no accompanying visual flashback it feels really confusing as I cannot place the memory.

I found an academic article online which explains the defence cascade. It may be triggering as it contains some anecdotal evidence of stories of abuse so I will post below with a trigger warning:

Trigger Warning (stories of abuse including SA and PA): https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4495877/

Yesterday I was very badly triggered and ended up collapsing although I did not lose consciousness. My husband was ready to call an ambulance. I have experienced this a few times in the past. I am not sure what the exact trigger was. I started to feel disorientated, had double-vision and panic rising. It escalated and my body flopped. I could hear my husband speaking to me but couldn't reply and was "out of it".

I looked it up today online and found some information on collapse immobility which is part of the defence cascade with fight, flight or freeze. In animals it's playing dead to avoid being eaten by predators.

Be grateful for support if anyone has any more information about this or has experienced it.

I second what Blueberry said. Thank you Kizzie 

Bermuda, I hadn't heard that Fyfe Dangerfield song before. I looked it up to listen to it and I really like it. I am a fan of his band Guillemots.