Sceal's journey

[Tee]

  oh sceal that's soul crushing I'm so sorry. I hope you hear soon. Hang in there.  Big hug

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
I am sorry to hear you've had that news, and it's such a long time that you've been in limbo waiting to hear. 
Sending you a hug 
Hope 

[Not Alone]

This uncertainty.. It's driving me insane. I broke down at work, and I just left without saying anything.
And I've been eating. and eating. and eating.
Trying to numb. I am now numb. And I still want to eat. but I feel guilty for the eating.

That financial uncertainty would be very unnerving to me. Really stressful.

[Sceal]

Maybe I'll come and remind you about trauma response some other time then    There's nothing wrong with you whatsoever. It's trauma. Which you didn't cause. 

I would love that, I think I still need these reminders. I signed up for 30 day trial on Audible, so I could listen to The Body Keeps The Score, now that I have no attentionspan to actually read stuff. I hope I finish the book in the 30 days I got for free.

Thank you for validating! I particularly like the way you expressed the underlined bit. That's what it comes down to for me. I have had this office for about 10 years now and this is the first time I've had professional signage in my window. But I guess it feels that way for you too - putting yourself on display.

It kind of feels like putting a neon sign above my head, and both hoping and dreading that people will notice. Part of me depends on people noticing and liking enough to want to buy something (which is rare), and part of me keeps telling me "who do you think you are?!"

I am proud that i decided to not waste any more time about worrying about it, and just went ahead.

You are right to feel proud
You helped me too - I finally send a reminder to my ll about one thing and have finally written a draft of a more difficult issue I have to address with him. I felt inspired by your "not waste any more time worrying". So thank you.

I'm very happy to hear that I could inspire you. I hope that sending the letter to him went okay and that he respects your request and boundaries!

[Sceal]

o my dear sceal, i can so relate. i'm going thru something similar, waiting to hear about our house, if we're even going to be able to continue living here in 6 mos. the waiting for these kinds of things is so stressful, and by the sound of it (the eating) that's what you're feeling as well.  i tend to eat during these times, too, and it's horrible.  want to stop, can't stop, hate that i can't stop, reach for another something to put in my mouth.  it's just awful!

sitting with you, by your side.  we'll get thru this together.  maybe we can play some cards or a board game to distract us and have some fun at the same time.  i can picture us in my head - it's a calming picture.  love and a hug filled w/ a de-stresser.   

(by the by, i think you did brilliantly in speaking up for yourself at work.  well done! ).

It is insanely stressful, I feel you on this. Being able to have a most basic knowledge of knowing where one can live for an extended period is so vital for mental health, especially when you got cPTSD or  PTSD, having stability is important for everyone. I hope you get an answer soon too!

I swore I was going to call them every week and nag, but now that it's been a week I kind of don't have the guts to call them again. I'll try and call them again before christmas. If not, right after new years.

I'm still fairy worn out, but I've had more or less 2 weeks not doing anything art related at home. I've even for most of the time avoided thinking of it too, except in the moments when I panic that i'm not working. Progressing, growing, evolving.
I wish people would relax on this mentality a bit, so I could feel I am still  a part of the club. It is important to keep growing, yes, but like with working out your body to strengthen your muscles you need days off for restitution and just rest and eat in order to actually build up the muscles. But in the art world it feels like you're never really allowed to rest and eat. Because if you don't push yourself you'll fall behind, and if you fall behind you're irrelevant. and when you're only starting out really trying to earn money off of it, it's not the kind of image you want of yourself.
It builds on my stress so much. The pressue is too hard.  And it is starting to feel like how it was before the pandemic, that I can't keep up with everyone. And everything I do is of no use. It's not very fruitful for feeling that I am meaningful to my surroundings or in my own life.
But I will keep on fighting. I just need to vent

[Tee]

  sceal you have to do you.  Art isn't art if it doesn't have emotion in it.  You can't force good art to pour out of you if you need time to breathe, breathe.  Then work on your art.  It will turn out better when your emotion is in it.  Hugs

[Sceal]

Right now, I am hurting. I'm hurting a lot today.
they say growth comes from pain, I sure as h!"# hope so, because otherwise what's the point of this?

I'm so fragile right now, I hate how little critisism that I am able to handle right now. Or any kind of feedback really. I don't know what's going on.
I went to the hospital a few weeks ago and they told me I was doing well. And then I started over-eating. I was almost getting past it. Almost. I was moving in the right direction, and then I had a dentist appointment today. My teeth was in almost perfect condition. By that I mean, no holes, and no problems. No real cleaning was needing done either. I've never been so quick in and out at a dentist ever before. What happens? I start feeling nauseous and I can't deal with that, so I buy a bag of chips, intending only to have a little to get rid of the nausea. I end up eating the entire bag. Then I start feeling sorry for myself.

I am trying to forgive myself for eating so much. I've been eating a lot more than the bag of chips today. And all, except dinner, was unhelathy choices for my body. I had a nap in the middle of the day, woke up feeling like crap. I don't want to be awake.
I see my GP tomorrow. Then I have that clarifying meeting at work.

I did some art today, I worked on an illustration as a finishing piece for a course I did. But this is the third time I make it, and the teacher just isn't happy. There's always something more needing correcting. The pose needs changing all the time. I just feel like I can't do art. I'm not cut out for this. I am never going to be good enough.
It hurts.
I don't know what else I can do. What else I can contribute with.

What is the point of all of this?! Why can I not handle any kinds of feedback. If people say they like it, I think they are lying. If they aren't liking it - I take it as I'm a complete and utter failure. Why do I have to continiously lose in every scenario? Why do I do this to myself?

God I miss Lady T.

[Tee]

  oh sceal take breath and remember that you have lots of people hear that love you hear.  Love yourself.  My friend you have to give yourself a break and a chance to breathe.  Sending a hug of love comfort in your time of hurting

[Sceal]

I heard some days ago, or read. I can't recall... that if you're feeling like everything is an uphill battle everyday. Then maybe... maybe you're living a life based on goals instead of values.

Problem is.. I don't know what my values are. I don't know what mine are, and what I think they are supposed to be due to what I've been told all my life.
Trying to find them, i've tried for years, but I still get confused. Are they really mine?

I saw my GP today, she said she can understand that I'm not doing so well. Waiting and waiting, and waiting without any end in sight. She gets pissed off just having to sit in a car queue. I nearly cried, when she said that. When she validated the pain that my life is STILL on hold, that it is in the hands of someone else.

She tried to find other suggestions on what I can do than to use food as self harm. But I don't have energy for any of the suggestions she brought.
I need safety, structure. not meeting new people.

Although she compared my art to being my hobby. I told her to me it isn't a hobby, it's my work. It kind of hurts that she sees it that way, but she has family members that are artists too, so maybe she's influenced by that.

Meeting at work today was.. something. It wasn't bad, but I guess I had hoped we'd made more progress.

I ended up buying clothes I don't need.

I just need a long evening with a f*"#%" hug, or some positive reinforcement by people who wants me in their life. Who reaches out. Who tells me stupid jokes. I don't know, maybe I just want it.
I am so sick of being this person, this person being overwhelmed by emotions.

I might also have stronger reactions because I've been reading "The Body Keeps the Score" and it's really hard.

[sanmagic7]

that's a very difficult book - i could only go thru dribs and drabs of it.

i'm with you sceal, i love having you in my life, even if it's only this virtual way.  if i could think of a joke, i'd tell it to you.  just don't have one in me right now.  love and a big hug

[Tee]

  I wish I could be that person for you sceal.  I did hear a silly joke today.  I saw a guy spill his Scrabble letters on the road.  I asked him what's the word on the street. 
Hope it made you smile.  Give yourself time to breathe sceal.  Big hug

[Sceal]

It's defintively a difficult book, San. I am noticing though, this second time around, that it is primarily about children. I need about adults. Maybe there will be more about that later in the book. I hope so.

Thank you Tee, when I read your message first I did smile.
----

I've been eating my emotions all day, but all that it serves is it gives me more emotions. I feel so * for sitting still all day, my body hates me for it. But at the same time I have no desire, no will power to get up and move. For what purpose, be trapped with my own thoughts and emotion far away from distraction?
The problem is... I have no idea what it is that I am feeling, or even why. All I know is I long for a relief, a healthy relief.
Gym is open tomorrow for independent training. But I am super nervous about going. I feel like a fat blob, and I don't want them to see me like this. I don't even know why, and yet still at the same time I don't know how to stop thinking like this.

[Sceal]

They have opened for individual workout this week, and privatlessons. I asked for a private lesson, but somehow I didn't really consider that it would cost me a lot of extra money. It's more than my monthly sub at the gym. I can't afford it. I really can't right now.
And it is triggering my anxiety to have to e-mail them back and saying "thanks, but I can't afford it right now after all. I think I'll just come in and do my own thing briefly".
I was super worried when I got there earlier in the week. They are only open twice a week, and this week only. As Christmas is next week. I was having performance anxiety earlier, now I just feel anxious about asking them for something and then not being able to pay for what I asked. I feel stupid too, because I didn't factor in that it might actually cost money. I mean. why didn't I assume that?

I wish I could laugh at myself in this situation. But I find it very difficult.

[marta1234]

Hey Sceal, I understand and hear you. I can relate to your anxiety when I have also misspoke something, and need to correct it. My heart goes out to you. 
Sending you support and hugs, I hope you feel better (and sending you a safe blanket too)   

[Sceal]

Thank you Marta! Sleep did help, I think I managed to convey the message politely.
He smiled and said hello to me when he saw me later that day. But I didn't manage to do a good workout though. But I did do a workout.

I am stress eating. Like A lot. And I feel guilty about it.
I don't feel like I have a lot of control in my life. My life is largely in the hands of others. And it is a waiting game.
I even joined one of those dating apps, but even there I'm not really worthy or interesting enough for the men - which sucks, I am finally ready to go on a date. They say Women have it easy, hundreds of likes, and being swamped with messages. I got tumbleweed. Doesn't do well for my confidence, I'll tell you.

But I'm trying. I got my head above water more than I did this time last year. So there's been progress. And I got to keep that in mind. It would just be really, really nice if I could just battle 1 thing for a little while. Or just nothing for about 6 months, until life kicks me down again. A little break would be great.