Triggered by codependency and coercion

[InTheQuiet]

I am so tired of being triggered

It's low level, but I am really exhausted with trying to be the bigger person. Sometimes, I feel so angry I just want to let people have it.

My brother in law is coercive. It's my partner's family and they have a culture of not talking about anything. I think my sister in law is really hoodwinked. He really shouted my partner down on her own mother's health. When she tried to walk away he grabbed her by her arms and has reframed it as a hug. No apology - of course.

I don't understand why the rest of the family are continuing to try to make nice with him - apart from well worn codependency. It's totally unacceptable. The downplaying of things makes me feel furious and unsafe. I don't understand why people play this stuff out. It's so clearly abusive in his case.

The more they drop little comments about how 'nice' he is the more worried I am. Why the constant charm offensive?

Any tips? I have gone NC with people in the past when my boundaries have been repeatedly broken, but that doesn't feel like a healthy response here. My body is pretty loud about getting as far away from him as possible.

I need to observe a mourning period before I can address this directly - if that is the right thing to do.

I feel unsure and frustrated! All wisdom welcome, lovely folk.

[NarcKiddo]

I can see how upsetting and triggering and frustrating it must be.

The first thing that comes to my mind is the old saying "Not my circus, not my monkeys." So I would urge you to consider how much of this is your circus. Clearly your BIL's behaviour towards your partner is of concern to you, and rightly so, but even that is not fully your circus unless your partner wants/needs your help.

It is so much easier to see these dynamics when we are not part of them. It sounds like the family is fully in the FOG of Fear, Obligation and Guilt and that the family is playing out old roles from the well-worn codependency you reference. In my experience it is simply not possible for you to do anything about this, other than protect yourself as best you can. If it is not feasible or appropriate for you to go NC then you need to go as low contact as you can get away with and employ as many protective mechanisms as you can (such as grey rock, observe: don't absorb etc) to get through those occasions where you must have contact.

Since the family is determined to run the fiction of how nice he is, it suggests to me that they instinctively feel you are not fully on board with this. They want you to be fully on board with their narrative - and it suggests to me they are unlikely to protect you if you go off-piste. I think you are right to feel unsafe about this, and the main advice I can give you is to shore up your own defences, protect yourself, and do not imagine or assume you will find any allies in that family. The more you can appear to go along with their narrative while you are with them, and the more you find excuses to stay away, the safer you probably are.

[Cascade]

Hi InTheQuiet,
From my perspective, I say listen to your self and your body.  NarcKiddo is so right that we can see things a little clearer when we're not part of them.

I need to observe a mourning period before I can address this directly - if that is the right thing to do.

The right thing to do is whatever you feel and believe is right for you.  While this is your partner's family and not your own family of origin, this is still an opportunity for you to practice self-confidence.  I hear that your body is telling you something... very loudly.  Can you express your own needs to your partner, whatever they might be, and agree on a plan for moving forward together with respect to her family?

That family is triggering you to a point of exhaustion and anger.  Would you like to express more of your anger here with us in the Letters of Recovery section before discussing things with your partner?  That's what we're here for!  Perhaps a goodbye letter to the brother-in-law that also explains your goodbye to the family?  You could see how that feels and if it helps you decide what you need, so that you can discuss it with your partner.  Your love is reserved for you and her... NOT them!

[Kizzie]

Perhaps the place to start is talking with your partner about your concerns and seeing how that goes. If nothing else it may be that they will understand why you don't want to be around your B-I-L and need to step away from family gatherings. It may not be the best idea to address this directly with your B-I-L or family -in-law because it's very likely neither will change and you will become the target of a family smear campaign. What you can do is protect yourself by stepping away from the family dynamics as much as possible. As NarcKiddo said, "Not my circus, not my monkeys" really is the way to go.

[InTheQuiet]

I love this forum.

Thanks, all. I totally agree with all of the above. Sometimes I nearly get convinced (again) that I should try to help or explain myself, but the answer is always the same.

I really do want to be respectful & loving because I really like everyone else, but it might well have to be from more of a distance.

Thanks, everyone. I was wobbling back into some old patterns for a minute there. Will check out the letters too.