Hey all, I am new here and I'm struggling with a lot of anxiety and sadness about an issue with my parents. I'm now living on my own, states away from my family, but I grew up with an cNPD stepfather, and an extremely enabling, co-dependant Mother. I've never liked my stepfather, or felt the need to create a relationship- I've always sort of been able to see through his crap, and so was the scapegoat. However, up until recently, my Mom and I have always been close, talked regularly, ect. But after waking up and really being able to see the dynamics, I've felt horrible hurt, with a lot of sadness, anger, and resentment. Not from the abuse from my Stepdad, for whom I only really feel disgust, but from the fact that I was never protected from his antics by my Mother. I think this is perhaps where my intensely low self esteem comes from, as well as why I have ended up dating dangerous, toxic people as an adult, because Ive never really had/ known about boundaries.
As I work through these feelings of pain and grief, guided by my therapist as well as Pete Walker's books (I have Cptsd) I find I'm really struggling with talking to my Mom. I know cognitively that she would never hurt me on purpose and loves me a lot, perhaps a less boundaried love than what would be ideal, but she has always been there for me and I know she is sensing me pulling away and asserting boundaries and I feel horrible guilt. She wants me to heal and is very supportive of anything I decide for myself. She is aware of how much I was effected by the abuse /her codependancy to it and we have had meaningful talks about it. She has said that if she could go back in time and change it she would. Yet she is still with this man (he relys on her in every way because he is disabled now). Just now she wanted to catch up on the phone and I heard him speaking in the background and immediately began to have a flashback, and politely got off the phone, though I know she had been hoping to talk more, and kept talking to me about her day even after I told her I had to go and that I was sorry. Also a few weeks ago I explained that I wont be able to come home for thanksgiving, but I related it more to being overwhelmed with work at grad school (which is true but not the whole truth). I feel terrible. I want to see her but my emotions overwhelm me whenever I hear her voice. Ive told her I'd forgiven her and its all water under the bridge, mostly because I know she is susceptible to feeling very guilty and I didn't want to cause more of it, but the truth is I am emotionally struggling with it.
I don't know what to do about this, because I know she is a victim of her own programming/abusive childhood, and is sort of slung between us, which I feel so awful about. Historically my Stepdad would sling her between the two of us and she would be in a pickle, side with him, pressured by his aggression, now I feel like I am "rocking the boat" and I don't want her to suffer for it. How do I stand by myself and attempt to build self esteem, without causing my Mother pain? Has anyone else dealt with struggling to forgive an enabling parent? Or with never having felt protected or important enough to protect, while being told you are loved? Struggle with guilt over what to do? I welcome and appreciate any feedback on this, thanks for reading!
As I work through these feelings of pain and grief, guided by my therapist as well as Pete Walker's books (I have Cptsd) I find I'm really struggling with talking to my Mom. I know cognitively that she would never hurt me on purpose and loves me a lot, perhaps a less boundaried love than what would be ideal, but she has always been there for me and I know she is sensing me pulling away and asserting boundaries and I feel horrible guilt. She wants me to heal and is very supportive of anything I decide for myself. She is aware of how much I was effected by the abuse /her codependancy to it and we have had meaningful talks about it. She has said that if she could go back in time and change it she would. Yet she is still with this man (he relys on her in every way because he is disabled now). Just now she wanted to catch up on the phone and I heard him speaking in the background and immediately began to have a flashback, and politely got off the phone, though I know she had been hoping to talk more, and kept talking to me about her day even after I told her I had to go and that I was sorry. Also a few weeks ago I explained that I wont be able to come home for thanksgiving, but I related it more to being overwhelmed with work at grad school (which is true but not the whole truth). I feel terrible. I want to see her but my emotions overwhelm me whenever I hear her voice. Ive told her I'd forgiven her and its all water under the bridge, mostly because I know she is susceptible to feeling very guilty and I didn't want to cause more of it, but the truth is I am emotionally struggling with it.
I don't know what to do about this, because I know she is a victim of her own programming/abusive childhood, and is sort of slung between us, which I feel so awful about. Historically my Stepdad would sling her between the two of us and she would be in a pickle, side with him, pressured by his aggression, now I feel like I am "rocking the boat" and I don't want her to suffer for it. How do I stand by myself and attempt to build self esteem, without causing my Mother pain? Has anyone else dealt with struggling to forgive an enabling parent? Or with never having felt protected or important enough to protect, while being told you are loved? Struggle with guilt over what to do? I welcome and appreciate any feedback on this, thanks for reading!