stinking thinking

[Gromit]

I think that is the phrase, probably from a 12th Step group.

Out of the blue my uncle called me, for news of my mother as he could not reach my sister.  It was actually nice talking to him, he sounded lonely.  He is 90, his wife in a home (dementia), and I am one of the few people who actually live in teh area still, aside from one of his daughters.  I thought about calling o him (must have been a crazy brave idea for me) and called his son, the only contact number I have as he is the last cousin I saw, and teat was 20 years ago. His sone responded to my text, saying he would call me the next day. 

This is where the stinking thinking comes into play.  I automatically assumed I would be told not to visit his father, that my mother would have told some lies about me. When he did call he was lovely, advsed me to call first, that uncle is not quick on his feet, often falls asleep and is deaf as a post, refusing to use any aids.

I am not sure whether it is my upbringing, CPTSD, or just my personality that makes me assume the worst.  Yes, I have seen my mother tell lies about me, whilst I was in the room, I know she has told lies to others, my sister, father, but, perhaps her older brother, who she always tried to scare me about is actually ok. Scare me in terms or his work shop, he turns wood, possibly a danegerous place for a child, his wife, forcing her children to eat the food they left the day before.  No idea if any of this stuff is actually true.  I think my mother was jealous of her older brother, who had different treatment from her.

My uncle has apparently tried to convince mymother to do something about our estrangement.  luckily, she has taken no notice.  I think we are both much happier not having anything to do with each other.

I guess I need to use CBT skills on my thinking. Why do I assume the worst?  what proof do I have to back up my thinking?

G

[Kizzie]

So many of us assume that those people whom our abusers smear us with will believe them and in reality, not everyone does.  I only realized this because I have a cousin who bad mouths her children and what I think is it's her not them.

Parents who bad mouth their children constantly are high on my list of red flags and I've come to see that other people have red flags like me. Now there are flying monkeys of course, but it's easy to spot them I've found and steer clear. It says more about them that they believe my NM than think for themselves.

I don't like CBT for deep trauma but for this I agree it does work quite well.   

[Gromit]

So many of us assume that those people whom our abusers smear us with will believe them and in reality, not everyone does.
 

Thanks Kizzie, I have realised something else since I posted. My mother used to make out that my aunt and uncle were scary, strict, and I have always felt fearful of them without any real reason. Did it suit my mother to make me scared or distrustful of everyone? My parents did automatically judge people and believe other people to be capable of having the worst motives. Of having something wrong with them, not like us etc.

The abuse goes both ways, of ourselves and of others, so we do not trust other people.

[Kizzie]

Absolutely your parents may have made people out to be things they were not - their outer critics were operating on high, at least my parents' were. That's a good observation!