16th January 2024
I've been wanting to start this 2024 journal - and am glad I managed to write something today - as I had found it difficult to write before now. But here I am, and I've taken a few notes to say things I wanted to include in today's entry. I wanted to do some kind of summary or bringing together of things, and keep note of them here.
I wish I'd thought more of the order of my notes, but looking at them now - I think 'wow, they are jumbled'. Anyway, I want to attempt to just 'write' now, using the notes, and so whatever comes out on the page here - that's going to stay. I'm not going to edit it or change it. If I agree to that rule, then I'll be able to do it, otherwise, I won't manage to.
I've noticed that my dreams have been still focusing on the theme of packing and trying to get away from something in a limited time frame, but instead of feeling completely out of control with that process, this time there are people from my life who are supportive, and they are featuring within the dream, and they are helping me to get away. So I think that's a very positive change to that particular kind of dream. I must feel like I have support in my life - and I acknowledge that I do!
Last year I had been doing quite a lot of focus on daily meditation and some EFT tapping, as a way to communicate with my inner experience (parts), and I am pleased that I've managed to do that daily. I have found it calms and centres my thoughts, and also allows my parts to feel that I listen to them and I have focused on showing care and love to them. This has resulted in my feeling that nighttime is much better - I am able to self-soothe and regulate my feelings more. This is resulting in better quality sleep and less experiences of night terrors. My partner told me I only had a couple of night terrors over the Christmas period, but that was a tougher time for me, in terms of doing things that involved others, that I found more stressful, so I understand why I was more affected at that time.
Although I said I was doing meditation and EFT tapping daily, I do recognise I didn't keep it up over the holiday season (Christmas), and what I noticed during that time was that my variable heart rate levels went back down to between 15 and 20, instead of my previous levels which had been in the 20's. I got back to doing the meditation and EFT tapping, and the levels are now once again in late 20's to early 30's levels, so I'm pleased to see the changes in those.
The books I've read recently have been really helpful - I read something about 'forgiveness' and a book about 'positivity' and both of those were helpful to me. I can't remember the authors, as I took them back to the library without writing them down! I have currently got the book 'Strong at the Broken Places' - I will find the author of that and write it later, as I still have that book, and it's really good - I feel like I'm at a stage now when I can really take in the information and it's helping me to process things. I think this is because I've been working on stuff for a long while now, and that 'now' I feel more ready - as I am more regulated and present regarding my emotions, and able to better recognise EF's and find ways to help me cope better.
My partner commented recently that I've been talking less frequently about my past to him, although I noticed when I told him I was reading the book 'Strong at the Broken Places' and he realised it was about CSA, he seemed to be concerned - I think he prefers it when I'm reading books that are about positivity. But I acknowledge that he'd like me to feel better, and he's concerned at anything that he thinks will affect me.
I've been affected quite a bit by some issues that a TV programme (drama about a local doctor practice - called 'Doctors') has raised. They have been focusing on a female GP who had a histoscopy carried out, and how she was in intense pain and was upset when it was carried out. It made me feel incredibly emotional and upset. I thought back to my difficulty in attending any appointments with GPs and nurses and invasive procedures, and how it's become more difficult to put a mask on regarding my emotions in such circumstances. I think I realise more now why I feel that way. But it is upsetting to think about it, and to really realise it.
There was also an episode of that TV programme where a teenager was being moved around a lot geographically, and I relate to that. But what was really emotive was how the medical staff and people she encountered were actually considering 'her' feelings, and wanting her to talk about how she thought and what she wanted. That's so great to see that kind of conversation, and it made me feel a lot of feelings regarding how my own thoughts and feelings about stuff in my childhood were completely disregarded and unheard. Again, very emotive to watch that programme, but I guess it's because I'm 'seeing' and 'feeling' more now, and beginning to see behind the fog of what precluded those perceptions previously.
What I've noticed about my own processing, is that whereas previously events were potent and strong, they were also very fragmented and I couldn't relate them to the correct moments in time - I realise they were often in the wrong place or wrong order, and I've been able to begin to look at events and anchor some of them to a different time, and different place, and feel it's more correct. I think this is because I've begun to look at things in a different perspective - more stable emotionally, less frequent EF's distorting my perspectives. I have also considered things in history that can anchor those things - e.g. when prominent famous people died (e.g. Elvis Presley's death for example) - and then I can work out my age at the time etc.
Whereas previously my flashbacks were concentrating more towards my very young years - maybe 5 years old ish. I've noticed I'm now considering more my teenage years, and how that part of me felt. Words connected with this time are 'tension' 'anger' grinding teeth' 'neck tension' - I'm realising now how difficult that time was for me, and how much emotion I had repressed and tried to cope with.
Anyway, I'm glad to have written these things here. Those were writings from my notes, and as I wrote them, I also thought about the fact that I tore up all my notes I'd done about family history and alot of other stuff I'd written in the past - so it's all gone! I only really have this journal here online in this supportive place. And that's ok. I am ok with that. I feel 'lighter' that it's no longer clogging up my space at home, and also there's no possibility for any people to 'find' it. I trust my partner, but if others looked at my stuff, I wouldn't be happy.
I'll stop writing now, as I've written a lot and I feel ok for writing it.
I hope to catch up with people in this forum in the coming days - I've had quite a full-on Christmas and New Year - and I was only able to pop by occasionally to read here - I didn't feel able to write anything till now. It's good to start this journal, and I wish the best for us all in 2024.
Happy New Year!
Hope
I've been wanting to start this 2024 journal - and am glad I managed to write something today - as I had found it difficult to write before now. But here I am, and I've taken a few notes to say things I wanted to include in today's entry. I wanted to do some kind of summary or bringing together of things, and keep note of them here.
I wish I'd thought more of the order of my notes, but looking at them now - I think 'wow, they are jumbled'. Anyway, I want to attempt to just 'write' now, using the notes, and so whatever comes out on the page here - that's going to stay. I'm not going to edit it or change it. If I agree to that rule, then I'll be able to do it, otherwise, I won't manage to.
I've noticed that my dreams have been still focusing on the theme of packing and trying to get away from something in a limited time frame, but instead of feeling completely out of control with that process, this time there are people from my life who are supportive, and they are featuring within the dream, and they are helping me to get away. So I think that's a very positive change to that particular kind of dream. I must feel like I have support in my life - and I acknowledge that I do!
Last year I had been doing quite a lot of focus on daily meditation and some EFT tapping, as a way to communicate with my inner experience (parts), and I am pleased that I've managed to do that daily. I have found it calms and centres my thoughts, and also allows my parts to feel that I listen to them and I have focused on showing care and love to them. This has resulted in my feeling that nighttime is much better - I am able to self-soothe and regulate my feelings more. This is resulting in better quality sleep and less experiences of night terrors. My partner told me I only had a couple of night terrors over the Christmas period, but that was a tougher time for me, in terms of doing things that involved others, that I found more stressful, so I understand why I was more affected at that time.
Although I said I was doing meditation and EFT tapping daily, I do recognise I didn't keep it up over the holiday season (Christmas), and what I noticed during that time was that my variable heart rate levels went back down to between 15 and 20, instead of my previous levels which had been in the 20's. I got back to doing the meditation and EFT tapping, and the levels are now once again in late 20's to early 30's levels, so I'm pleased to see the changes in those.
The books I've read recently have been really helpful - I read something about 'forgiveness' and a book about 'positivity' and both of those were helpful to me. I can't remember the authors, as I took them back to the library without writing them down! I have currently got the book 'Strong at the Broken Places' - I will find the author of that and write it later, as I still have that book, and it's really good - I feel like I'm at a stage now when I can really take in the information and it's helping me to process things. I think this is because I've been working on stuff for a long while now, and that 'now' I feel more ready - as I am more regulated and present regarding my emotions, and able to better recognise EF's and find ways to help me cope better.
My partner commented recently that I've been talking less frequently about my past to him, although I noticed when I told him I was reading the book 'Strong at the Broken Places' and he realised it was about CSA, he seemed to be concerned - I think he prefers it when I'm reading books that are about positivity. But I acknowledge that he'd like me to feel better, and he's concerned at anything that he thinks will affect me.
I've been affected quite a bit by some issues that a TV programme (drama about a local doctor practice - called 'Doctors') has raised. They have been focusing on a female GP who had a histoscopy carried out, and how she was in intense pain and was upset when it was carried out. It made me feel incredibly emotional and upset. I thought back to my difficulty in attending any appointments with GPs and nurses and invasive procedures, and how it's become more difficult to put a mask on regarding my emotions in such circumstances. I think I realise more now why I feel that way. But it is upsetting to think about it, and to really realise it.
There was also an episode of that TV programme where a teenager was being moved around a lot geographically, and I relate to that. But what was really emotive was how the medical staff and people she encountered were actually considering 'her' feelings, and wanting her to talk about how she thought and what she wanted. That's so great to see that kind of conversation, and it made me feel a lot of feelings regarding how my own thoughts and feelings about stuff in my childhood were completely disregarded and unheard. Again, very emotive to watch that programme, but I guess it's because I'm 'seeing' and 'feeling' more now, and beginning to see behind the fog of what precluded those perceptions previously.
What I've noticed about my own processing, is that whereas previously events were potent and strong, they were also very fragmented and I couldn't relate them to the correct moments in time - I realise they were often in the wrong place or wrong order, and I've been able to begin to look at events and anchor some of them to a different time, and different place, and feel it's more correct. I think this is because I've begun to look at things in a different perspective - more stable emotionally, less frequent EF's distorting my perspectives. I have also considered things in history that can anchor those things - e.g. when prominent famous people died (e.g. Elvis Presley's death for example) - and then I can work out my age at the time etc.
Whereas previously my flashbacks were concentrating more towards my very young years - maybe 5 years old ish. I've noticed I'm now considering more my teenage years, and how that part of me felt. Words connected with this time are 'tension' 'anger' grinding teeth' 'neck tension' - I'm realising now how difficult that time was for me, and how much emotion I had repressed and tried to cope with.
Anyway, I'm glad to have written these things here. Those were writings from my notes, and as I wrote them, I also thought about the fact that I tore up all my notes I'd done about family history and alot of other stuff I'd written in the past - so it's all gone! I only really have this journal here online in this supportive place. And that's ok. I am ok with that. I feel 'lighter' that it's no longer clogging up my space at home, and also there's no possibility for any people to 'find' it. I trust my partner, but if others looked at my stuff, I wouldn't be happy.
I'll stop writing now, as I've written a lot and I feel ok for writing it.
I hope to catch up with people in this forum in the coming days - I've had quite a full-on Christmas and New Year - and I was only able to pop by occasionally to read here - I didn't feel able to write anything till now. It's good to start this journal, and I wish the best for us all in 2024.
Happy New Year!
Hope