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Journal Entry for 19th December 2017

I woke a couple of times in the night, and felt as if I'd been 'abandoned' - in that the house felt cold and unwelcoming, and I had a flashback to how my FOO home felt when I was a small child.  The thing is that I am getting more in contact with my inner children - and I think that they are beginning to communicate more with me - and share more of their feelings and memories.  I am finding that this is happening more, now that I'm no longer 'searching' for memories - the process of just 'allowing them' to come as and when 'they want to' - seems to mean they are surfacing more. 

I think I would like to write more of them down - but I've not been doing that as yet - I had started to do that previously, but somehow drifted from it.

I have a day ahead of me which feels ok - I have written myself a list of tasks to get through, and there's a mixture on that list of some chores and some 'nicer things' - so it should be ok. 

I still haven't tackled re-connecting with my GP - and I do need to go and see my new GP about a health issue, but it's not a big thing - and because of that, I'm putting it off.  I think I have significant anxiety about re-engaging with the GP - the one I liked and knew has retired, and I have a new one - whom I've seen before, but when I last saw her I wasn't very well at all - and I just don't want to have to 'fill in' on what's happened for me in the meantime - but maybe it wouldn't be like that - afterall they only have a few minutes per patient - I feel pathetic that I don't feel brave enough to tackle that, but that's how I feel at the moment.

Still, I think I'll do it, when I need to go.  I hope so.  But for now, I'll put it off till next year.  It can wait.

Hope 

Hi Blueberry,
Great that you got some of your Christmas post done yesterday, and that you're recuperating from your cold.  I know you wanted to work on the Farm, but I feel sure they will be ok - and your health is important.  Hope you feel better soon.
Hope 

Dear SanMagic,
It means such a lot that you wrote what you did, and especially as I know how much pain you are going through yourself at the moment - please make sure that you're not stretching yourself too much here - I really hope that you are ok.

I read what you wrote yesterday, and wanted to digest it and think it through, and I felt so validated by everything you wrote - thank you.  I also held onto the last thing you said, about how I can let my sister go, and move on to other things.  It's like you've validated my decision, and I actually felt that I needed that - to hear someone say it was ok to do that - to move on, to make a decision for myself, and move on.  It's not been an easy decision to make, I've taken a lot of thought about it - but it feels like the right thing to do. 

I need to explore more what I think and how I feel about 'losing' control - I would love to gain my sense of 'self' - I still don't really know 'who I am' yet - because I've usually strived to fulfill my FOO's desires and wishes, rather than my own. 

Anyway SanMagic - you are a wonderful person, and I appreciate so much you coming in here and saying everything you've said - I know you were tired, in pain, and it must have been draining to come and say something to me like that - thank you - but please make sure you're ok.  I want you to have strength and to be ok - I want you to be pain-free - I wish that there was something we could all do to give you some respite from the pain.  Big hug to you, SanMagic.

Journal Entry for 18th December 2017

One of my partner's family tried to question me on the weekend about my FOO - it was 'subtle' but it was 'digging' to get answers, and I was proud of the fact that I managed to stay 'calm' and just said that I didn't want to talk about it - because it was too painful to do so, and because it was Christmas and it's a stressful time - and so I didn't want to talk about it.  My partner backed me up - but I was just glad that I was able to 'stay strong' and 'keep calm' and just say that.  I feel sure I'd have got upset in the past, might have been angry or even upset infront of the person, but I stayed 'calm'. 

What's helped is having this forum and all you people as my 'back-up' - so I can feel stronger in situations, and it helps me so much.

I believe that is what is helping - and I am grateful to have that support. 

The days are feeling a bit like being on a helter-skelter at the moment - not quite knowing what emotion or feeling is going to come along.  When I wrote my 'letter to F' the other day - I had drunk some alcohol, and I wonder if that made me less restrained and more 'open' than I normally would be.  I don't drink very often, again because I fear being 'out of control' - but having some alcohol enabled me to write what I wrote - but then my inner critic came and slapped me around a bit - metaphorically speaking - but it has lessened again, and so far, so good - this week is going reasonably ok.  At least so far.

I am relieved.

Hope 

Hi Andy & Decimal Rocket,
Appreciate both your comments very much.   
Hope 

I hope you have a good rest, Blueberry, and that you recuperate from your cold - take care
Hope 

Hi Blueberry,
It was incredibly helpful to me to read your reply - I read it last night, and I wanted to come back today and just tell you how helpful it was.  I think currently, that because I am only just beginning to write and vent about things - that the feelings I am having are such that any compassion I'm feeling - it's more of how I've been 'groomed to feel' rather than focussing on myself - like I'm 'not allowed' to focus on my own needs, and therefore if ever I cross that line, and point the finger in the direction that it should be pointed - then I feel a great sense of negativity come back at me, as if I've transgressed and broken a rule. 

The fact my Inner Critic awoke so ferociously last night, in reaction to what I'd written to my F in that 'letter' - it really shocked me at how strongly it 'beat me down' - and I was aware that it all co-incided with some other stuff that was going on - relating to my sister - it was an incredibly heavy load of stuff. 

I ended up watching a film last night in the end, and whilst I was aware I was dissociating frequently throughout it (which isn't an unusual occurrence for me) - but the film had some incredibly sad parts in it - it had themes of 'endings' 'death' and stuff like that - and I ended up unconsolably sobbing - crying - and just feeling incredibly raw.  But I think it was good, as those sobbing tears were cleansing at the same time, and it was good for me.  A venting of emotion, in a really strong way.

I slept ok - that was good.  I've woken today, and I feel calmer again.  My inner critic did shrink - as I used advice that Eyessoblue suggested to me in the other part of the forum - to talk back to my inner critic and argue with it a bit - I did that 'in my mind' at various points in the night - and it was effective to a degree, and I am thankful for that.  I'll use that again another time for definite.

I've made a decision now - that I'm NOT communicating anymore with my sister - I'm NOT sending her a Christmas card or any further communications - I am NC with her now, and the rest of my FOO.  I am standing by that decision. 

Thinking about what you also said, Blueberry, about FOO taboo.  I think you're right about that.  There were so many FOO Taboos put in place, and therefore to transgress that, it's like a forbidden thing - and 'NOT allowed' - but at the same time, I also relate to that other potential you wrote about - i.e. 'self-protection' - as I know that I try always to avoid getting into situations where I might be 'out of control' - incase I end up 'going too far' - i.e. I am truely scared at what might be unleashed if I 'allow' myself to 'let go' in some way.  Maybe if I unleash some anger and truely get in touch with it, then I might feel out of control and it would just be too scary.  Hence, maybe I bury my feelings deeply - as if they're under several feet of snow, as a protection. 

You have given me a lot to think about, and I thank you so much for that - as I really find it helpful to think about things in different ways, and hopefully a path through it all will be made apparent and the journey will be a positive one in the end.

My inner critic has abated somewhat, now it's the daytime again - and I feel calmer.  I'm glad I wrote that letter.  Thanks Blueberry, for your comments - they are really helpful to me. 

Hope 

Hi Eyessoblue,
Thank you so much for your comment, and it was very helpful to read what you said - I was able to try to do this, and it has helped - so thank you.   

Hi Kat,
Thank you so much for your reply - and I'm sorry to hear you've also been battling with your own inner critic for the past few days - I hope that you also found Eyessoblue's suggestion helpful - it has helped me.  I hope it helps you too.

Thankfully my inner critic has abated - it was chronic last night.  I am relieved it is less today. 

Hope 

Hi - I think I've woken up my Inner Critic, because I just feel like it's 'getting at me incessantly' just now - like it is telling me I'm 'bad' - it's annoying!  I wish it would stop.   

Got to go...  wanted to write more, but I can't. 

I think this will hopefully get better - I will try to stay with the moment on this - and see what happens, but I don't like it...

Hope 

Hi Andy, yes you definitely made me smile, and I am thankful that you popped by to do that.  You are a kind and lovely person.       to you.
Hi Decimal Rocket - thank you so much for those lovely big hugs  - I'm sorry to hear you're feeling sick today, and I hope you feel better soon.    to you.

Journal entry for 16th December 2017
I wrote a 'letter of recovery' last night, and felt a huge amount of emotion during the process of doing that, but began to dissociate towards the end.  I was thankful to Blueberry who came by and suggested that I do something 'grounding' - and I did try to do that, and it helped. 

I wanted to reflect on some of the thoughts and feelings and reactions I had after writing that letter - whilst they are fresh in my mind.  The weird thing was that somehow although I got in contact with 'some anger' and some 'upset' during the course of writing the letter, I ended up feeling some 'compassion' towards my F later, as if somehow I should be the one protecting him.  But then I thought to myself that is typical of how I've felt towards my parents my whole life - as if I need to 'protect' them and 'keep all the secrets' of the family - never tell them, never talk to others about it, and therefore when I do share any information - no matter what it is, then I feel bad for doing so, and I feel guilty, and then I feel like I'm 'not doing my job' in terms of 'protecting them' - so it's a bizarre thing - but that's how I feel.

I think it would be 'healthier' for me if I could get in touch with my emotions more - if I could 'feel' the sense of indignation, and repulsion that I know my partner feels about what's happened to me - he would stand up for me, and fight my corner if needed - but why can't I feel that sense of angst and anger on behalf of myself?  I come close to it sometimes, but many times it is like it is buried under a pile of extremely thick snow. 

I've just sat for a few minutes, and find I can't think of 'anything more to say' - it's like my mind has gone blank.  So I'll stop there for now. 

Hope 

Hi Blueberry & DecimalRocket,
Thank you so much for your replies to this post.  I did feel 'braver' - in writing what I wrote.  Writing letters like this is helpful to me - even though I end up with lots of mixed feelings and emotions afterwards - but I think it's a good idea for me, and I think it helps.
Thank you for your replies.
Hope 

Hi Eyessoblue,
I'm glad you're ok, and safe, after having that experience last night.  I think that LearnToLoveTheRide's reply is amazing, and well said.
I hope you recover soon from your bruises and that you feel better really soon.
Hope 

F = Father

Dear F,
I want to tell you some of my thoughts and my feelings here today, in this letter.  I'll never send you this letter, I am just writing it for my own 'recovery' - and for my own processing.  I'm aware that over the years, I've not really addressed my feelings towards you - because they are too painful - and because there's been part of me that feels bad about what's happened.  Somehow I've felt that I've needed to meet your needs, and also those of M (Mum) - and yet I was a small child, and I don't think either you or M met 'MY' needs. 

So - here I go - I feel very upset as I write this, but I'm going to say what I think and what I feel...

You violated me - I was your baby - I was little, vulnerable, I needed care and love and attention - and I think you just saw in me 'something' that you could abuse - that you could use for your own gratification.  I 'think' you thought you loved me - but really - I was meeting your needs - I feel sure that you saw me in sexual ways - I read that book you had - with the brown paper, it talked about stimulating a baby, a young toddler, and how a little child would enjoy that.  I can't remember how old I was when I read that - but even that memory is one where I think 'What?!' - 'Can that have been real?' - 'Did I make that up?'  - but I have other memories that I've already written about in my Journal about my CSA - like when you touched my hair and dried it, and you breathed really weird - I think I was about 4 years old, but I don't know for certain what age I was.  Maybe I was younger. 

I remember all the times you touched my breasts, you held out your hand when I sat down as a teenager - or maybe even younger.  How you photographed me on that rock in the lake - with no top on, and you told me that was ok.  I felt uncomfortable about it.  I didn't think it was right.  Why did I let you do that?  Why didn't someone stop you?  Why did M collude with that.  Did she think it was OK?

It WASN"T ok - it was wrong.

Do you realise how I feel now as an adult woman?  How I don't feel confident to wear a skirt or a dress - hardly ever, because I feel comfortable in trousers somehow - as if I'm 'safer' that way?  Like I feel uncomfortable whenever I have any kind of internal examination - like a smear test or similar - it's like I feel violated. 

How I look at any old photos of us together, and remember how strained I felt as you put your arm around me, like I felt 'stiff' and 'uncomfortable' - and wanted space between me and yourself.

I remember when you hit me once - because I'd been enjoying a walk with lots of other kids on a school trip, and I got 'carried away' and we ran ahead of the rest of the class, and I was 'in trouble' for that, and you decided it was a good idea to discipline me by hitting me across the bum with a slipper or something - but you seemed to enjoy the fact you hit me on my bare bum, and you seemed to breathe weird again while you did that, and tell me 'I don't want to do this' - but somehow you seemed to enjoy doing it. 

I feel sick about the fact that I ended up dancing supposedly in a seductive way, trying to get your attention that one time when I was a young girl - maybe 9 years old or something like that, again I have no idea of the actual age, but you told me afterwards that you were glad I wasn't going to 'make my living by dancing' as you didn't think I was very good at it.  What a weird and sick thing - that's what I think.

I feel SOOOOO upset by what you did, how you treated me - and yet as an adult, now we've been estranged for so long - a few years now, I know you said on the phone when you tried to contact me ' We'd never hurt you' - but you don't see that you DID hurt me, you HAVE hurt me, and I refuse to allow you into my life again to hurt me again. 

I haven't been able to talk to you about your behaviour - and I know that if I tried to talk to you or my M about it, that you would deny it - and you'd say I was making it up.  That's what I believe you'd do.  But I haven't made it up, I know you crossed the line too many times. 

Weirdly, now, as I write this, I feel like I'm far away in a fog, like I'm dissociating from the reality of this.  I will leave this letter here, but take myself away from this scenario.  I am safe from you - you can't hurt me anymore.

So F - I want you to know that I'm angry about what you did, that I won't allow you to hurt me anymore.  "

Hope 

Just wanted to add that it was a lovely thing to say that someone should be able to feel like you can dance without anyone watching, that is lovely.  Thank you Andy. 

Hope 

Hi Wife2 - Your Mama Bear has been so comforting as an image for me - I have used it in my imagination to tackle some of the memories, and it has helped.  Thank you!

Hi Andy - Yes, I've seen that film, and you're right, that Bear in The Revenant is frightening indeed!!!  It shows what a bear will do if provoked. 

I've made the bear more cuddly - as she's my "Mama Bear" but it's good to know what she could be capable of, in the right circumstances!

Thank you both.

Hope 

Hi Andy,
Lovely that you came by to visit - you made me smile.     Thank you.   

Journal Entry for 15th December 2017

So far this morning I've done some things - accomplished a few things  - just by going slowly and carefully and taking my time - but somehow it's been easier to finish something, than trying to 'rush' - I've been 'in the moment' and it's been good.

So it's a good start to today.  I hope that I can keep this up over the weekend, because I have a lot of things I want to do - and need to finish, if possible - so I will keep going and just do 'what I can'.

Hope