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I married to a good man.

He comes from a very dysfunctional family. Father was narcissist (pacing my husband as his Golden Child, being unbearable), his mother was emotionally/verbally abused by father (sometimes physical) and enabling and then there is the older brother; 5 years older than my husband.

He sexually abused my husband when they were 12 and 17 twice. Basically he came into the shower where my husband was when they were home alone, tried to rape him, forced him to give him oral sex etc. Got my husband to "believe" they both wanted it...or at least it was their common secret.

I am the only one who knows this, my husband confined in me years ago but at that time he said it was buried inside him and he was doing ok just not thinking about it.

A few years later my husband who ran his own business (paced by his N father) got a burnout and was on sick leave with stress related illness for 8 months. N father went mental, trying to hide it from others (not to place shame on the family that my husband was so weak), never had any understanding and was acting horribly. N father past away 2 years later.

Since then (this all happened around 4 years ago) my husband has been on medication and is back to work. He is though just the shadow of his former self. Fighting not to become depressed again, trying to take care of his now widowed mother who uses him to service her but never is interested in him. She prefers the abusive brother who has always been very dysfunctional (very asocial, rude, ungrateful etc. ) and still playing his role as the family fixer.

However, my husband seems to be exploiting on the inside. If he hears news about child sexual abuse he rages on the inside (he tells me this), he has nightmares about me or our two girls being raped or violated in other ways, he ruminates about all the bad things that can happen to us.

Yesterday he told me he had this longing of telling his mother about what his brother did to him. I asked him why (not that I don't get it, just to better understand his though process) and he wanted her to sympathize. To see that he has been an offer. I felt like I saw his inner child in his eyes when he told me this.
He doesn´t want to tell her though, because he is sure that if this comes to the surface his brother will kill himself and his mother will die of sorrow.
I would personally guess that his brother would deny the complete thing and my husband would end up being the crazy one being kicked out of the family....

My husband has once confronted his brother about the abuse but all he got back was a casual "we don´t talk about this".

Personally I hate his brother. I think he is a sick man. He now has a new girlfriend and they´re trying to conceive. He is 45, she is 7 years younger. She doesn´t seem to see that he is weird. MIL loves his new girlfriend and says he is so happy and sweet....it´s like being in a theater play. We have two daughters and I will not have them close to this *. Happily the brother lives abroad so we only see them 1-2 times a year under controlled conditions. Brother never contacts us but my husband fulfills his role of keeping the family together by calling him and acting like they´re good brothers every now and then.

So, my question is. What are your thoughts? Should he tell his mother? How can I help him? We live in Europe and trauma therapy is non-existing. My husband eats more and more medication.

I hate to see him suffer. Any words of advice would be appreciated.

My entire life I've had a problem expressing anger appropriately. I focus on the knowledge that feeling angry is not in itself "wrong", any more than having any other emotion is wrong. Emotions are simply a reaction to something. What I've tried to do is lengthen the time in between my reaction and my response. The longer this time is, the more thoughtful and functional my response will be, instead of a knee-jerk kind of reaction.

I also found that "amygdala hijacking" explained a lot of my anger; that some of the actions of people around me triggered me and sent me into an emotional flashback, where my entire system perceived a threat that my conscious mind did not, and caused self-protective reactions. This knowledge helps me not beat myself up too badly if and when I do experience an amygdala hijacking. Here's a link to a helpful article, https://www.psychologytoday.com/files/attachments/51483/handling-the-hijack.pdf which states in part:

We now know there are two minds; one that thinks and one that feels. The research by Joseph Le Doux reported by Goleman (1995), states "...the architecture of the brain gives the amygdala a privileged position as the emotional sentinel, able to hijack the brain." The stimuli comes in from the eyes or ears and goes immediately to the thalamus and it then goes right to amygdala before a signal reaches the neocortex. This survival mechanism lets us react to things before the rational brain has time to mull things over. The hair-trigger amygdala though can be sloppy and distort things in this quick reaction. It has been found the amygdala in animals can respond to a perception in as little as twelve thousandths of a second. So the antennae are up in the amygdala to constantly scan the environment for anything that may hurt us or things to fear.

The author of the book Dee suggested, "The Dance of Intimacy", has another book called "The Dance of Anger" which I found very helpful. It helped me see patterns of dysfunction in myself and the people around me, and how to kind of "step out" of the dances we all do in our relationships. Both books are a good bet to help you gain some insight and tools to deal with your situation.

I'd also like to admit that I totally related to your expressions of how you felt about your in-laws, the only difference being that was how I felt about my FOO. I don't think you're a horrible person - you are just being honest about your feelings.

I hope you find the same support and validation in this website and forum that I and others have found! Thanks for joining.

Oh yes, the caveman brain. Thank you!

My therapist had me read the book "The Dance of Intimacy."  I think it is perfect for the situation you describe.  I read it to help me cope with my FOO, especially my sister.  It really is a wonderful book and a quick read.

Thanks I'll take a look. I've learnt a lot about codependency (even though practicing it is harder...) and this will be a good addition to that work

Thank you for a great answer!

I realize that I need to do the same for me. Stop thinking about him and how he is acting and set up rules for myself and remember that it is ok for me to have a certain opinion and for him to have another.
I'm always fighting guilt that by going lower contact with his family I'll be betraying him, since he cares for them.

A question: Did your marriage improve in any ways when you had taken the new approach? I've been concerned that if I detach from all of this we'll drift apart or become less close. However, I'm at the point where I would rather want us to drift apart a bit than to continue using my time fighting this bulls***t.

We actually had a discussion yesterday. My husband has this "habit" of complaining about his work every day without doing anything about it. He sounds just like his father who talked non-stop about his work at all family meals, quiet times and acted like he was more special than he was. My husband does not have those grandiose thoughts of himself, but the complaining and endless talking surely is there.
I lashed out at him the day before yesterday when he put up his usual facial expression and starting complaining. I think he does it to get love. I think he learnt from his N father that always had everybody´s full attention that if you talk like him, you'll be seen and get sympathy.

Anyways, I was quite proud of myself because last night he came to me and said he was going to stop talking about his work and I was right that he was always complaining. I said to him that I was willing to talk about his work from one time to other but I would not continue using my precious free time listening to him talking about problems that he doesn´t seem to want to solve.
I said to him that I was going to use my free time after work with my girls, baking pancakes, reading, walking in nature or playing with our cats, not this monologue listening.

Since we had started this conversation I brought the issue with his mother up (without flipping out for once) and told him calmly that I wanted to see his brother every now and then but there would also be times where I would chose to do something else, even if he went visiting. I told him I had used way to much time of my life pampering other people and that was over now. My main priority was myself and family and what suited me, our girls and our energy levels and wishes. I also told him I would not be ashamed to chose for me and them and that I would not sit and listen to his mother complain and request us to do things; I would simply walk away and go and make coffee or read a book.

I think he got my point...so now the project is to keep on stating (and probably mostly showing) my limits.

Sorry, it always gets waayyy to long

Hi all,

I'm a 35 year old woman, married with two children. I come from a dysfunctional Family of Origin and I have suffered Cptsd through the years; mostly very low self-worth, self-hate and not being able to show/acknowledge feelings.

I moved far away from my Family of Origin 10 years ago and have come far in healing from my past. I believe I can see things from the outside, understanding the madness and games and able to shield myself from assaults and when people are trying to hurt me to make themselves feel better. That part is going good

However, I have this problem in my marriage. My husband also comes from a bad family. Father narcissistic, mother enabler. Father now passed away. Husband has one very badly functioning brother who is Asperger and does not give a s*** about us. Never contacts but now has a new fiancé.
To cut it short my problem is that my MIL is very controlling (in a victim kind of way) and wants us to have much contact with the brother and making sure we are seen as a happy family from the outside. Brother lives far away.
We have two kids and work full time, brother has fiancé and not kids, got his house for free (pre-paid heritage from mother) and gets money from her regularly to pay for big bills, travels and so on (he is 44!!). Still he apparently cannot take his share of the contact....it is always us that have to go to them, think about them, remembering to call them....and no requirements are put on them EVER. All I hear about them is that they are fantastic at the same time as my MIL sneakily criticizes me.

I hate this family and would be happy never to see anyone of them again. They remind me of my own family which I broke free from (mentally at least) and I cannot take somebody trying to control me.
My husband partly sees the dysfunction but is always seeking approval and love at the same time. He is not as far as me on the road to healing...and maybe he never will be or does not want to.

So, when MIL starts being controlling and husband is like a pendulum between being logical and firm and weak/love/acceptance craving I feel I get caught in the middle.

The first  years of my marriage I supported him a lot but I can feel that for the past few years my patience is gone. I hoped I could detach and harmonize my boundaries and let him deal with the family but that has not been the case. Instead I have started raging, something I have never done in my life before! It is mostly on the inside where I feel the rage burning but I also lash out at my husband and feel I hate him during those moments. I tell him I will not be controlled by his mother, I talk badly about his brother and his dead father (they were/are horrible people but still...) and it really shakes me to my very core. During these moments I want to escape, divorce him or worse. My mother raged a lot at my father and threatened to kill him and I don't want to end like her.

This really impacts my life, probably more than anybody else´s but I don´t know how to handle it.
I want to feel inner peace, be firm in my boundaries but at the same time being able to have (limited) contact with the family without being triggered for days, raging, crying, ruminating and acting like a 2 year old.

I comfort myself by thinking my MIL only have like 10 years left. It is horrible to think and I do not wish death for her but this is my only comfort as to thinking when this problem will go away.

A part from this mess I am liked, I have many friends and I am a loyal, trustworthy fun friend. Have had the same friends for 20 years and also some new and have friends from all parts of society. I had another FIL when I was younger and I never had problems with them (other than normal minor problems at times) and still have good contact with them and care for them.
I don´t care for my current FIL, I think they are crap.

Feel like a horrible person to write like this...but it is how I feel.

Please, any advice on how to move on...without divorcing and splitting my family up. My husband is a great man, good father, loyal, good heart, empathic and always makes me laugh. We've had wonderful times through the years but the marriage get poisoned more and more for every year