Elpha's new adventure

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, SpacePasta! 

Being back in mt own life ia weird but good. I didn't truly get even 5 seconds to enjoy it before going back in full force. All the positive change comes with a crap ton of work so I am right back at it. I have one last job interview today (I would prefer this one to the one I have been offered, so I decided to still take it)

I came home and had no wifi, I still won't until Friday evening. My boss never sent the appropriate fax to the apartment building I am supposed to move into so that is not yet solidified... I will have to figure out how to take care of that paperwork tomorrow somewhere between getting my car and work.

Plus side I will have a car for the first time in nearly 9 months

Back to the adventure. I will need ro process the trip to see my foo at some point but I think the next few days are full enough. I do also find a need to practice flute and do yoga, I will make a point to do so tonight

[Sceal]

It's so wonderful to hear that you are doing music again! It brings a smile to my face to read that.   

[Elphanigh]

Sceal, it has felt really healthy since my last therapy session about it. I am hoping it continues

[Sceal]

So do I!
, if it's okay!

[Elphanigh]

I always love 

[Hope67]

Me too,  to you Elpha. 
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

I am not even really sure where to start. Being home for three days has been a good but rough transition back into this life.

Good things:
-I have a car
-I have a job offer (probably two offers)
-I love being in the city again
-I have my cats
-I have been playing flute and really loving it



Harder things (I won't say bad because they aren't necessarily bad things):
-bills
- jumped right back into working and that stress
-still don't know where I am living in two weeks but need to
-goodness I need to pack
-haven't gotten to a yoga class yet, I am really in need of it
-my WiFi at home has been out since I got back
-I now have to fight with my landlord to make her stick to the paperwork she signed for my move out price



All of that has meant I have not fully processed having been with my Foo for a week. My neice is so beautiful and I miss her already, but I have come to realize she will be okay. My sister is a great mom so far and my own M is doing better by her than she ever did me. My S is also determined to move out of that house ASAP so I feel better knowing that my N will no live there when she is in her more formative years.

My M was better than usual. Her guilt trip game was strong on the day I left but otherwise she was kinder and left her snide comments out of the mix. She was also oddly calm about my B having not graduated and disappearing for two days. Her meds and her work on her anger is getting somewhere. I wish she had made this effort when I was a kid but I am grateful she is making it now. It will never excuse the things she did when I was growing up but it might mean I don't resent her fully forever.

My parents marriage is still a mess, but I managed to get minimal venting from both of my parents. I started to draw much stronger boundaries, as it is not my job to solve their problems. It was never my job to watch out for everyone's well being, but I did it because that is how I learned to function. Now though, I have my own life and have healthier boundaries. They are adults and can solve their own issues. I am not a sounding board or peace maker for them anymore, I refuse to be that. It isn't healthy for me and even for them they just don't see that.

Sad when I feel like I am far wiser than my parents in a lot of ways but here we are. 


Anyways there is more but I am going to process in chunks

[Deep Blue]

I started to draw much stronger boundaries, as it is not my job to solve their problems. It was never my job to watch out for everyone's well being, but I did it because that is how I learned to function. Now though, I have my own life and have healthier boundaries. They are adults and can solve their own issues. I am not a sounding board or peace maker for them anymore, I refuse to be that. It isn't healthy for me and even for them they just don't see that.

Sad when I feel like I am far wiser than my parents in a lot of ways but here we are. 

Wow! Huge realization! I mean HUGE! The light within you is shining bright sweet Elpha. Take good care.
- Deep Blue

[Elphanigh]

I really appreciate that, Deep Blue! It was a huge thing to have occur, wad an adventure trying to stick to it

[Elphanigh]

I realize I haven't slept well since I got back. Partially it is because my cats have insisted on waking my up st regular intervals.. but I realize that it isn't entirely them. I have not been able to quiet my mind since I got here, a lot changes in the next two weeks and my mind will just not shut off. Like I was gone from this particular crazy for almost ten days so coming back is like a shock to the system. It isn't chaos like my foo but it is busy and stressful. Working on getting everything done and settled is difficult.

My mind is also safe to start feeling some of the emotions from my vacation, and recognize things I learned there. In that space it isn't safe to completely allow myself to focus on that emotional aspect of my life. I can note that it is there but I cannot safely do processing when I am there. So here I am, working my second double and feeling like there is a great deal packed away that I just can't get ahold of yet. I think my session on Tuesday might bring some of this forward.

I have found through my healing journey that this feeling comes and often leads to some major things. That is both scary and wonderful, as I am waiting to see what happens with it.

Just needed to put this somewhere. Thank you all for reading my ramblings

[sanmagic7]

sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now, el.  wowser bowser - no wonder you're having difficulty sleeping! 

i'm so glad you were able to clear out the music neg. for yourself during your session, sweetie, and that you're back to loving it.  that is the best news ever!  i'm so happy for you i could spit!   my heart is singing right now.

personally, i think you just need a bit of time and space for your processing to de-clutter and your sleep to get back to normal.  glad to hear your sis will be leaving as soon as she can.  lots of feelings of relief there.

i'm also glad you're mother is doing better than she was.  sorry, also, that it wasn't in time for you, tho.  that sucks.

so, welcome back.   best with everything going forward, dear el.  love and hugs always.

[Elphanigh]

San, it is certainly a lot to have on my plate. I am glad it makes sense to someone else too.

Music has a ways to go, but it has been such a relief to be enjoying it. It is fitting that your heart is singing  I really hope this continues in my life.

Time will be good for me. You are right it should help clear my head so I can sleep again. Knowing my sis will leave is really helpful for me. I don't worry for my niece as much as I did before, seeing her happy and healthy makes a large difference.

As far as my mom, it is awful that she couldn't be a better mother for me but I am glad she is for my sister now. Inside there is a little Elpha that feels a lot of pain from having a mom that wasn't good, or safe.

Thank you for a warm welcome back. Need lots of luck and determination for a few weeks. Love you, San

[sanmagic7]

love you right back, sweetie.  sending hugs on angel wings full of luck and determination.  and peace so you'll eventually sleep well.

[Elphanigh]

So appreciated! It is just after noon here and I am finally recovered from the crap ton of nightmares I had last night. *Sigh* one day I will sleep well.

[Elphanigh]

Goodness, I am not even sure how to begin this post. Yesterday brought a ton of realizations and changes. I put in my two weeks at both my jobs, ensured that my new job would allow me to keep my therapy appointment on Tuesdays, not having to shift that makes it easier.

My therapy session was big. Last time I was in my T wrote a note (and I was unsure what it was at the time) it was saying to process my fear of gettting my PhD. It was not at all what the topic was last session but something had spiked her instincts about it. It was a very insightful note, so we started on that topic after I gave her a run down of all the recent major life changes. There is a part of me that is terrified I am not good enough. That is the main belief we are going to tackle in emdr. But when we got to listing the positives that show times I felt capable, that list is really long. My T even typed it out and printed it for me so I could see it and add to it when I wanted to. It was really strange to see my accomplishments written down and validated. I forget that all that I have done isn't just normal and average. They are big deals, and I accomplished a large amount for a normal person let alone someone going through horrific abuse. It was odd to start to recognize that.

I went to an aerial yoga class afterwards, it was my first time trying aerial. The use of the silk hammock has always made me curious and I finally had the opportunity to try it. It was at first very nerve wracking but it got to be so much fun, there were five of us and we could laugh it out when things were difficult. I eventually was able to let myself flip backwards out of the hammock, and find piece in some of the inversions. It was a beautiful balance of trust and power of choice, I loved it. It was a perfect topper to my day after my therapy session. I came out feeling powerful and capable, just like the positive belief that is the goal of the emdr I am working on.

There is great change for me this month, and it feel turbulent but there are so many positive things. I am grateful for them