Moving Forwards

[Not Alone]

Proud of you for saying stating your boundaries to your friend and for all your processing and self-care around that.

[Blueberry]

Thank you notalone, Pioneer and san   

My action of setting my friend a limit is feeling more and more normal. Just a thing you do rather than something scary. I haven't heard back from her yet but I did tell her to take her time considering the stress she is under.

[Blueberry]

I have received an acknowledgement of my letter, but with a plea to postpone for a while, due to work stress. I'm OK about that. I feel easier having had an acknowledgement.
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Something I mentioned to somebody else in post yesterday then helped me. Sitting with feelings and especially allowing them to be. Last night I finally allowed myself to think and say "I don't want to work" (my professional paid work that is). I yawned and yawned (always a good sign for me) and then went all shivery. This morning I'm clearer-headed and once I did get up, I discovered I'm better able to get on with things, in this case housework.

I also have some more ideas on how I could earn a little bit more money, maybe. I have almost no clients atm. So considering contacting a school or maybe charity organisations to offer phone or computer help to school students who are really struggling. Teh schools are all closed and I know there are children struggling to keep up with all their work at home, especially those where the parents are at work all day or the parents had little schooling themselves or are refugees and can't understand the local language. It would be a bit like doing volunteer work but with some pay just till this lockdown is over and I start getting more properly-paid work. It would be helping others. This is a time when helping others is important. Helping children in need keep up with their learning.

[Alter-eg0]

Progress

[Blueberry]

Thank you AlterEg0 

On second thoughts... nice idea in my head and even seems to be giving me some energy, but there are still quite a few odds and ends to be tidied up/completed in my office, some of which are emotionally difficult. So, good to use present energy for that and then see. I also did have the idea of writing to my non-current students and offering them a Corona discount to come back for a while. Even just one or two additional students coming would be a help financially and also for my morale.

Recognising quite fast that I was about to expend more energy for not much pay while there are things undone in my office (because they're difficult or even triggering in some way) is also a step forwards

[Blueberry]

I landed in one of my types of SH last night combined with aggressive visions in my head. Now the picture of M in my head is huge. At least :lightbulb: I now know what I could do another time when I have an impulse to do that kind of SH - put the whole of FOO on a screen behind bulletproof glass and ship them off to the moon or to the forests of Nortern Scandinavia. I sent them to the moon yesterday.

In fact yesterday I made some progress partially just in putting FOO in a rocket and sending them to the moon but also by feeling beforehand why I suddenly wanted to eat something sweet: my ICr had gone on the rampage because I had forgotten to download a quiz before watching a show of local interest. It was such a minor thing but M is back in my head with her criticisms etc. I won't repeat them. Watching the show was fun without being able to take part in the quiz. Anyway right before reaching for something to eat, I started tapping instead. I don't think I really even had a sentence, more just "I accept myself"(in general). I yawned like crazy at almost all EFT spots including ones where I almost never yawn.

So another time when I have addiction impulses I could also try tapping anything or even nothing - just simply tap and see what comes. So, yeah, after a backslide like last night progress comes. I feel better having written that out instead of ashamed at having given into that addictive behaviour.

[Blueberry]

I did almost zero today. Well, I gave my pet most of her meds though I didn't take my own. I played Patience most of the day, asking myself from time to time what would be the easiest most beneficial thing I could do but then didn't reach a conclusion or attempt to do anything beneficial. I even had EFT and/or Screen work on my list of Possibles for today. Did neither. During my endless Patience games, I did come up with what had triggered me into SH with aggressive visions yesterday. I haven't felt into anything or tried to process though.

[Not Alone]

 

[Blueberry]

Thank you notalone 

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I haven't been on for a couple of days. I spent the time in bed, reading, dozing and occasionally getting up to eat, drink or feed my pets. But that was it. Reading means escaping from my own life for a while. Slipping into somebody else's, some fictional person's life for a while.

Today I was teaching, which was obviously good, that I had to was good I mean.

Then I saw an email response from the friend who carried information to my parents about me. She doesn't understand since the information she passed on seemed harmless to her. And if my parents contacted her again about a letter going missing, she would tell them again that I haven't moved. She can't understand why there's a problem with that. She's not willing to put the phone down on them, though that's not what I asked her to do. I asked her to say "You have to ask Blueberry." But she's not willing to do that because it's just not the way she is or the way she would act towards anybody. I don't feel any better now than I felt while I was still waiting for an answer. While waiting I felt in limbo. Now I just feel limp and somehow at fault and confused and weak.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I hope it's not out of turn for me (i.e. inappropriate) to say that I feel annoyed with your friend for not maintaining the boundaries you asked her to provide with regard to communication with your parents.  I wanted to send you a hug, and share my thoughts about it, but at the same time, I hope that was ok to say that.   

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope, I really appreciate your support. It's perfectly fine for you to say that. The inappropriate behaviour is that of my friend and my parents!

[Blueberry]

My 2 docs say that if anything turns up between appointments (which are now roughly 2 months apart with each doc), I should get in touch.

I did today with my psych doc after feeling some part in me going slightly haywire and feeling this part vergeing towards violence, which would only be acted out against me or turned inwards. So that's one good thing: I actually took one of my docs up on his offer which I didn't manage in late December.

My doc helped me see that I'm not crazy or expecting too much of a friend. He sees my friend's behaviour in an even worse light than I see it.

I say to myself it's no wonder I'm feeling somewhat down i.e. I've gone sprawling as I relive how my FOO acts towards me and now see how a friend got sucked into their "Poor us" approach and can't see it as inappropriate.

In her responses - all via email - she even sounds slightly hysterical. Although I said I would like her to say "You have to ask BB" she understood I expect her to put the phone down.     She lists ways in which I'm making her life difficult (heard this one before) but she refuses to send the ball back into the court of other people e.g. her H and my parents with a simple "you have to ask BB".

Anyway, I will reply in due course. However other things are going through my head like me questioning the friendships I get myself into. Having friends who stand up for my parents or other FOO mbrs. Or having friends who can't accept when I set them a limit or a boundary though they expect me to accept theirs. The particular two I can think of there are now gone from my life. I thought I'd got the really toxic people out of my life, or out of my circle of acquaintances and friends only to find there's another layer to go through. There's more healing to do.  So I feel kind of dumb for not having realised this. So there's not just the remains of FOO stuff I'm going through, the struggle with people in my building, the even greater struggle I have with myself and my freelance work, but a bunch of stuff in friendships too. No wonder there's part of me that feels like throwing in the towel again, putting it gently. Not that I'm going to do anything. I promised my doc this morning that I wouldn't, but he didn't even really pay any attention to that because it's not the point, he knows that. That part of me is looking for help that's all.

[Not Alone]

Blueberry, I'm proud of you for contacting your doctor.

A person doesn't need to understand a boundary in order to respect it. They should just respect the person and therefore respect the boundary.

I think the work of recognizing unhealthy or toxic people in our lives is probably a life-long process. Other people change, new people come into our lives, we change and grow in wisdom and discernment.

So there's not just the remains of FOO stuff I'm going through, the struggle with people in my building, the even greater struggle I have with myself and my freelance work, but a bunch of stuff in friendships too. No wonder there's part of me that feels like throwing in the towel again, putting it gently. 

Good that you are seeing the weight of all you are dealing with. Keep giving yourself grace and kindness. I care about you, Blueberry. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you so much notalone   It really means a lot. Especially reminding me to treat myself with grace and kindness, which is the opposite of listening to ICr. My doctor was talking too about my friend not having to understand but just to accept what I say. That didn't get through to my friend so next I'll throw in "respect" instead. But I also know if she has this mental block about understanding or accepting, there's probably not that much I can say to change her mind. My doctor did give me a suggestion, an analogy. 

There's another indication of the weight of things atm: I'm all confused about dates. I can see on my computer screen as I write that it's 13th February. Nevertheless while billing a client (also on my computer with today's date in full view) and writing her new appointment for next week I saw her name down on Thurs. 11th Feb. in my diary and understood that that was next week and felt confused that she was suggesting she come next week on Wed or Thurs. Fortunately I got myself sorted out before I contacted her to say "I have you down already for next week on Thurs." Also on Friday I was so desperate to get an appointment with doctor because it seemed I was going to have to wait over a week for my T appointment on Monday 15th February and I didn't see how I was going to manage that. So yeah, Friday was the 5th of Feb. for me although it was actually the 12th. It hasn't been quite this bad for a while, but I now understand better why I'm often completely incapable of sorting papers e.g. for my accountant by date. And also part of the reason why writing bills and other parts of admin work in my little business are so hard.

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Today I also decided to treat myself better despite this friend not doing so and/or I decided against depression. I went for a walk in the sun and snow.   

[Not Alone]

Would it help you to have a paper calendar of the entire month and cross off each day at the end of the day? I am a visual learner and sometimes I need to see the entire month, just like I also prefer an analog clock.