Hello, everyone. (trigger warning)

[ednasurvivalmode]

I feel like I have it all together and then with certain situations, I am appalled at my reactions to seemingly trivial situations. I recently began to learn about PTSD, thinking I could never have this because I've had a pretty good life compared to others. I also began to learn in this research that I am not ok, I don't have it all together and that my life hasn't been the cake walk that I thought it was.

I have a core belief that if I show my struggle, it will burden others. If I say no to behavior that is making me feel uncomfortable, I will be an inconvenience and may also suffer the consequences of speaking up for myself; it[the mistreatment] will also get worse. So, I have journeyed, mostly on my own and in my own heart, to get where I am today. I have always been very self aware and wish to better myself as much as I can. This can become an obsession for me and I withdrawal from the few people left in my life that actually care. I can't imagine someone liking me, I ruminate after encounters with others and I always seem to find myself at fault for what others do that hurt me.

I came here, hoping to find community and support because of an encounter with someone my family and I thought we knew and trusted. In order to keep this an intro, I experienced internal * for about 5 months following the event. As I am slowly coming out of this, I want to reach out and find support when I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me. In turn, I hope to encourage others in their journey and contribute what I can, when I can.

Thanks for reading. -ednasurvivalmode

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum, ednasurvivalmode

[Papa Coco]

Hi Ednasurvivalmode,

Welcome to the forum. I can resonate with so much of what you say. I'm very glad you found this forum. I hope that finding people who know what it feels like to be triggered by trivial things, and feeling like we are a bother to others, etc, brings some sense of belonging. Most of what you said in your intro fits with the basic personalities of many of us on the forum. The empathy and understanding that I find on this forum is a huge help to me. I don't feel so alone in the world anymore.  I hope this forum is a good experience for you too.

Welcome!

[ednasurvivalmode]

Thank you for replying, Blueberry

Papa Coco- It feels good to hear your reply. Thank you for taking the time. As I've researched, I've learned that this is a part of who I am and I'll never be completely rid of my past trauma. That's still difficult for me to accept. It is validating to not be alone in all this.

[Little2Nothing]

Welcome Ednasurvivalmode!

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Edna.  Complex PTSD can be really isolating so coming here is a step out of that.  You can share and everyone gets it. It's the acceptance and validation we all need and deserve. I hope you find support, information and comfort here.   

[ednasurvivalmode]

Thanks, L2N and Kizzie!

I have found some information here that has been helpful. Finding an anonymous resource like this is a relief for me.
Thanks for the warm welcome!

[Chart]

Hello and welcome ednasurvivalmode. I'm pretty new here too but already I spend a lot of time here reading. It's really helped me feel less isolated. Hope you find the same sense of support I have. And sorry to hear your struggling. Much encouragement and support!

[Cascade]

Hi EdnaSurvivalMode,
Love your name; I'm also in survival mode!  And pretty new here, too.  You're not alone and can always come here for support.

As I am slowly coming out of this, I want to reach out and find support when I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me.

Please reassure yourself there is nothing fundamentally wrong with you.  You are experiencing a normal reaction to abnormal stress and experiences.  I'm so sorry the encounter impacted you the way it has.  Thanks for joining us.
   -Cascade

[ednasurvivalmode]

Thank you both for reaching out. I'm thankful for the acceptance and understanding here.

Cascade- Thanks! I appreciate you. I hope you find some comfort here as well as time off from survival mode.