Hi all! (possible triggers)

GoSlash27 · April 10, 2024, 07:41:25 PM

I only found out that I have C-PTSD from childhood trauma last week. I'm 53. I'll try to keep it brief...

My childhood was full of all the usual traumatic experiences. Also a few highly unusual ones just for variety. Domestic violence and all the different kinds of child abuse.

I was first hospitalized when I was 14 years old. I had completely shut down. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, just curled up in the corner crying.

That was 1985/86. They didn't know what C-PTSD was back then, so they treated me for depression. Of course, that didn't work.

I was hospitalized twice as a young adult, once while in the service and once after my suicide attempt in 1992. Again, mis-diagnosed as depression, and the treatment only made it worse.

I did the only thing I could do after that; I memory-holed my childhood, dissociated all the bad stuff I couldn't forget, and pressed on with life as best I could. I picked up with my wife and son, moved across the country, cut all ties with my family, and built new memories.

Everything wasn't perfect, but it was at least manageable. There's just one problem: The domestic abuse in my family is chronicled in 2 books and a documentary, and I can never be free of them.

The documentary popped up last month, and all the 'progress' I thought I had made is unravelling. I have to get this fixed at least to the point where I can cope with it.

I don't know how *any* of this works, so I won't be giving any advice.

Best,
-Slashy

Little2Nothing · April 10, 2024, 07:47:30 PM

GoSlash27 I am sorry for all you endured, but am glad you found OOTS - Welcome!!!

Papa Coco · April 10, 2024, 08:25:12 PM

Slashy

Welcome to the forum. I'm very glad you had the wherewithal to join this forum after only a week with the diagnosis.

Your story of how your Family of Origin (FOO) has been publicized in books and documentaries is truly a big deal. I feel for you. I know that just seeing documentaries about people who've been through similar things as me triggers me right back into my own abuse stories. I can imagine that what you're going through is the same thing I feel, but to a much higher degree of intensity.

Anytime I even see people who resemble my FOO I go into a triggered state for many days. I went No Contact (NC) with my FOO in 2010. Close calls with them, or anyone who looks like them, are painful.

I'm glad you are on the forum. I hope the forum is a place of safety and calm for you. One thing I've noticed in the 2 1/2 years I've been on the forum, is that even though we all have different backstories, today we are so similar that we are very adept at comforting each other. Being alone with the pain is what makes the pain so lonely. Being in a group of people who understand and share in the pain is a big help as we deal with our own stories and our own triggers.

Welcome!

GoSlash27 · April 10, 2024, 11:24:36 PM

PC,
Thanks for the kind words.

I'm going to post a link to the documentary here, only because people have the option of *not* clicking it. I have excerpts from one of the books, but I won't post them unless there's some way to hide them. Likewise, I have many angry comments about all the lies/ gaslighting/ misinterpretations in that video... But again, I'll spare all of you that unless there's some way to hide the text under a 'spoiler' tag.
This is all *very* triggering stuff.

https://vimeo.com/46834295

This centers mainly on my baby sister, but most of my FOO are in it as well. I do not appear in it; they couldn't reach me for permission or comment.

I only found out it existed last month.

The most frustrating part of that documentary is that Donna *completely* missed the point of what Vikki was trying to say. Nobody asked *her* if it was okay to take her picture and put it in that book. Most, if not all, of the children in that book have undiagnosed or misdiagnosed C-PTSD. They have buried their past, and they *think* they're doing okay... then somebody comes along and shows them *THEMSELVES* in that and they're back to square one. Donna doesn't understand how traumatic this material is to the children who appeared in it.

Best,
-Slashy

Papa Coco · April 11, 2024, 12:04:43 AM

Slashy,

Thank you for sharing the documentary. I watched it. It was definitely heart wrenching. I guess Donna is on a mission to raise awareness for her cause so that's how she framed her point. I'm sorry she missed the mark for your little sister's needs as a person with C-PTSD. One thing that brought a cheer from me was when your little sister said that she'd caught an x-boyfriend beating on her son, so she immediately ended the relationship so as to protect her son. If the documentary was accurate about that fact, I cheer for Vikki and her kids.

Take care
-PC

GoSlash27 · April 11, 2024, 12:30:21 AM

PC,
*Mostly* true. Dusty wasn't physically abusing TJ... Let's just leave it at that. And yes, she left him and never looked back.
TJ is doing well now. He's back in school, majoring in physics.
I wish I could say the same for Derek and Kiara, but I can't. I won't post that story here; too triggering. I can tell you that one in DM if you want to know.
The '3 Amigos' from back then. Left to right Kiara, Chris (my son), and TJ.
Chris is also doing very well. Proud to say he was never abused.

Best,
-Slashy

NarcKiddo · April 11, 2024, 12:43:20 PM

Welcome, Slashy.

Wow. I have just looked at that video and have mixed feelings about it. Yes, it is good to raise awareness of domestic abuse so I can see why Donna started out on that mission and I am glad she was honest enough to come clean about the email from Vikki. Some people would have just said "well, I was only doing my bit to raise awareness - so why is Vikki criticising me for it?"

But the point made by Ellen hits the nail on the head for me. Children were (and are) treated as their mother's appendages if the mother is not obviously and actively abusing the child. Nobody would have said my mother abused me. The thought never crossed my mind for decades, and even now I sometimes find it hard to accept that is what it was. There is virtually no awareness of the fact that if a child is in abusive environment they are not, and cannot be, simply witnesses. They are being adversely affected in tangible and long-lasting ways whether or not anyone is intentionally taking abusive action against them.

And actually, even if they were simply witnesses, how can anyone assume that is not damaging in itself? Society recognises the dangers to witnesses to the extent that we have witness protection programs. People know that if they talk, bad people can take bad actions against them. And yet it does not seem to have crossed anyone's minds that this is the actuality of life for many children. STFU as a way of life is pretty grim.

I am very sorry, Slashy, that these books and the documentary are floating around to trigger you.

Wishing you all the best on your healing journey.

GoSlash27 · April 11, 2024, 01:54:12 PM

NK,
Honestly, Ellen infuriates me. She spoke on Vikki's behalf, answering a hypothetical question that nobody bothered to ask Vikki. Would she have wanted to go to foster care instead? *YES*!
Vikki had been pulled out of a happy foster care home at 4 years old and thrown into this circus. But again, nobody asked her.

And in our case, our mother was far more abusive to us than Eddie was. Vikki mentioned it in passing, everyone else glossed it over.

No... We had no business being in that environment.

Just venting, I guess. Thanks for the kind wishes.

Best,
-Slashy

NarcKiddo · April 11, 2024, 02:22:36 PM

Vent as you need to. That's what OOTS is here for.

I noticed Ellen suggest that Vikki would not have wanted to go into foster care, without asking her. I've just finished a therapy session where we dwelt quite a bit on child NK not having a voice. Everyone here has so many experiences in common, despite our disparate backgrounds, and I think not having a voice is probably common to all of us.

But you have a voice now. And we hear you.