Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

[Hope67]

Hi Starting Healing,
Those stats you quoted by Morgan Stanley are interesting.  The nutrients in that seaweed also sound amazing.  I don't think I've ever eaten seaweed.  I imagine it would taste quite salty.  Have you tried any of it?  Are you thinking of trying it?

Anyway, just popped by to wish you the best for today.
Hope 

[StartingHealing]

Hi ya Hope,

Here is a link straight from the horses mouth as it were:  https://www.morganstanley.com/ideas/womens-impact-on-the-economy

The seaweed, if you have ever eaten sushi, or a rice ball, nori is a sea weed that is used. Here is a link for the edible sea weeds: https://www.webmd.com/diet/health-benefits-seaweed.  Didn't know this but in Ireland they add Dulse to soups and stews.  A ton of good health benefits all round.  Helps thyroid, helps probiotics, helps insulin resistance, has the fiber that helps clear things out, plus the 92 some trace minerals that a body needs, like copper, manganese, vit a, vit d, methylated b's which are the kind us human need, not the other forms that can cause gastric distress, dam-ed impressive actually. 

As far as flavor goes, kind of grassy / alfalfa like, and sea. Like.. the sea has a specific smell / taste.  It's not salty like sea water. Been taking between 5 and 6 gram a day. Which is about a tablespoon(ish)  From the studies I've found it will take a little while and then the BP will start coming down. 

I have some things I want to do still, and I've already outlived both genetic parents year wise.  Maternally, passed from chronic alcohol consumption at 47, and paternally he passed from "heart attack" at 46-48. ( I still have my suspicions that other "substances" were involved in that.  Haven't been able to get the coroners report. Being adopted I have no legal claim to it. It was the late 1960's and all them funny substances were flooding the USA complements of a 3 letter agency. ) 

Since I still have things I want to do, need to keep everything ticking over as best as able.  I wonder what a round of Stem Cell therapy would run $ wise.. I've heard some pretty impressive things.  The body needs a refresh for sure.  Shoot, to biologically be back in my 30's?  That's a h-ll yeah! with the wisdom I have now?  would be a good thing.  Get me off the back 9 of life. 

Don't know if the current supplement stack is doing it or what but lots of old sh-te coming up.  Fragments of memories, snatches of songs,  I'm hoping that is a sign that the wetware/nervous system is refreshing (mushrooms are another area to look into for beneficial effects) and is rewiring.

Wishing all here all the best

[Armee]

Gosh he*l yeah. Digging through all this trauma stuff, getting to a good place and then being able to biologically reset back to 20s or 30s and live life over without the trauma imprint so heavy? Yes please!

[StartingHealing]

Small "drive by" 

Had a situation that wasn't directed at me but still brought up some old sh-te.  Tis the "part of but not belonging to" aspect of me (adopted) to the 2cd (adoptive) family.  Well, 2nd family, maternal grandfather got into wood carving towards the end of his time in this realm, on that go around.  He created functional models of the wagons, buckboards, including harness, harness trees, mules, people, that were around as he was growing up.  I have previously told 2cd family that I would like to have a keepsake from him.  Doesn't have to be a large piece, just something, you know? Multiple times over multiple years.  Still waiting.  While a nephew got a piece. 

Ockham's razor the sisters are up in age, health issues, yada, yada, and they "forgot".  However, this behavior is commonplace, has happened multiple times previously.  Took several years to even get a image of my Dad.  Like WT ever living F?  I reckon the good part about it is that the "connection" there is * enough that if I bounce overseas, go native, go incognito it's not going to be that big of a thing for me.  Part of this I think is the adoptee bit of accepting any little scrap of connection.

Wishing all here all the best

[dollyvee]

Hi SH,

I'm sorry your adoptive family is like that, and to me, it's not a small drive by, but a pretty big thing where they are not acknowledging your need to feel you belong after you were adopted. Or to even make you feel like you belong. I just wanted to say I hear you and offer a hug if that's ok 

Sending you support,
dolly

[StartingHealing]

Hello dollyvee,

I accept your hug.  Thank you 

Is one of those things.  F-ing amazing what happens when a normal kid gets put into a sh-t situation because of decisions of the adults at the time. 

I have understanding on much of it. The why adoptive father became Dad (a title he earned), my person, is that his actions were consistent, he was consistent, he took me on warts and all, he claimed me as his. Period.  That is just the way it was and anybody that said different, well, there was the knowing that saying things contrary to that would have repercussions up to and including physical violence.  My Dad didn't brook no foolishness from others in many regards.

The person in the role of mother.  Sigh, that's a different barrel of monkeys.  The common thing is "they were doing the best they could at the time" and yet.. I really don't know how accurate that is in regards to her.  Yeah, she was there mostly when I needed patching up from something, yeah she took me to the doctors, chiropractors, dentists, complain though, seriously, it was like she was the one that got the pitchfork tine through her foot instead of me, {no lie, when I was having growth spurts, I was clumsy, h-lla clumsy}  shaming, guilt, the need to be right, not insults per se, lots of comparisons though to her 4 natural borns that happened before I came along.  1 older brother (20 year split twixt us) then 4 years to a sister, 3 years to the next, then 4 years to another sister, and then 4 years to me.  I've heard it stated something like this: " When I was a baby, I was given a job. That job was to attempt to fulfill an adults emotional holes. As such there was no room for 'me'.  it was all about them." 

Lots of criticism there as well.  How much criticism for how long did it take till I said "f it"?  I remember making the decision to not take home any crafts that I did from public school, vacation bible school, etc.  Why? Most "parents" would see that the kid was doing it as a way to show love towards the them.  I know with my daughter, I made sure to put every single item she brought home, or gave me on the fridge.  It would stay on the fridge till a new one, and then the old one was saved in a special box.  I would always thank her, and hug her when she would give me something.  Even now, I still have a collection of the things she's done and gave me.  It's not as large as it once was.  Attrition of the years, the paper breaks down, etc. 

With the person in the role of mother:  there was always something to pick at.  Didn't stay close enough in the lines, used the wrong color, the macaroni, sigh, wrong direction, didn't stay in the lines, had to many differences in sizes, construction paper cuts weren't smooth enough, yada, yada. yada. Then the comparisons to how f-ing great the natural borns were.  This sister did this so good, why can't you be more like her on this, that sister did so good at ______, why can't you be like her in this.  So I stopped.  Wasn't worth it.  Yeah, would get a lil bit of a thank you, but the ratio of gratitude to b-tch, after a while, flat wasn't worth it. 

After I stopped bringing things home, it took a while, then the person in the role of mother, she had to have said something to my Dad about it, because he came to talk with me about the situation.  I explained as best as I could as a wee kid, dont' know if it hurt his feelings or not, he never let on.  Memory is a dam-ed funny thing.  I remember bringing things home and giving them to him for a while, then something happened, and I just stopped. 

I tried as a child.  I gave it so many tries to get the acceptance, dare I say approval? from the person in the role of mother.  In the different realms of artistic expression.  Till finally, I think I was about 7,8,9, I quit chasing that all together.  Flat got tired of never being able to produce something that was acceptable enough to her that she would accept it and tell me that I had done a really good job, give me a hug, and as the English say "Put in a place of pride".   

 D-mned if it was a year ish? after I stopped, then the last pastel drawing I had done, ended up in a frame, and hung on a wall.  Most kids are not going to be Leonardo da Vinci, Rembrandt, you know?  Too little, too late. Every artistic avenue, whether music, drawing, sewing, photography, any area, that she had turned a hand to,  or the natural borns had turned a hand to, wasn't worth the b-tch or the excuse that it was too expensive.

This from a person that would drop 50$ or more, at least once a week, in thrift stores for dolls that she would clean up, add to the collection, and not do another thing with.  She could have worked that collection and made some $$$$.  And this was back in the day where gasoline was under a buck a gallon, and 20$ was more than enough for a dinner and a movie for a date with a tank of gas!

 I wanted to play music, and that turned into accordion, then organ, then saxophone, instead of the sax, I wanted to do drums.  Could not do that.  Nope.  Stuck with the sax for a while in school band, which ultimately ended up with me dropping it.  Why that arc?  Because the accordion was already there and one of the natural borns had done it.  Same with organ, same with the sax, no sh-ts given of what I was interested in learning how to play instrument wise.  Left a bad aftertaste for a lot of years. 

Yeah, projection and now I think that she had a preconceived role that she was trying to force me into.

Very much an independent kid. I learned fast.  I learned how to cook, clean, do laundry, sew buttons back on all by the time I was 4.  Also learned fast on how to doctor myself when crap would happen.  There was a line of being hurt that I figured out pretty damn fast on if I needed outside help or if I could deal with it myself.  Anything to reduce the b_tch that would come any time I needed her to help patch me up. 

Where I'm at now, I really don't know if I would have reached out to her if she was still here.  There was a time where with dealing with the former spouse and them, something had to give and it was them, I went incognito with them for many years. 

I savvy that biologically, there are times that critters won't take on another little one (of the same species) because of the wrong smell, or something.  Or if they do, the one that gets taken on is treated differently.  Genetic competition and all that.  The thing is the dichotomy twixt Dad and the rest of them.  The stark and at times shocking difference between one, the provider, the patriarch of the clan, full acceptance and the conditional? Provisional?  Almost like they were caught in cognitive dissonance, bouncing from ownership / family? 

Goes back to being part of, yet not belonging to. 

The paradox of this realm is when you get to a point where you don't "need" ______________, that is when it shows the h-ll up.  I reckon that once I get my braincase fully withdrawn from my rectal orifice AKA healing and get comfy with myself, then the universe will shift and there will be a group that I will belong to/with.

Wishing all here, all the best.