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Thanks so much for reading, i think it was too long but it just poured out.

[***Trigger Warning***]

***Trigger Warning***

Hello Fellow Survivors,

I'm going to lay it all out. I was diagnosed with what the doctor called Early Complex PTSD in 2011 after being taken to the hospital when my best friend found me in a catatonic state. He said it wasn't in the DSM yet; I'm not sure if its in there yet. It looks like he was referring to CPTSD. Ive been searching the web intermittently since then looking for information and it seems to have exploded lately. I'm excited to find you. I'm also worried its just the next in the what feels like hundreds of trails I've walked down looking for a solution. When the doctor told me of early complex ptsd it was a huge relief for a while cause he said it explained all my previous diagnosis for which I tried the treatment but the treatments never worked, severe ADD, depression, anxiety, PTSD and Bi-polar primarily; I would go on the prescribed medication and it would have the opposite effect as intended. Anti depressants would work for a while but they never solved the cyclical dramas that would take my life back down to ground zero over and over.

I feel like no one is going to read this cause its so long but  i don't know how else to introduce myself sincerely and if nothing else I sincerely want help. So my trauma history is crazy so Ill just give an outline-

-Born to a mentally ill mother who took lots of Hallucinogens while pregnant.
-As an infant ive been told by my aunt, older brothers and family friends she would leave me with people or in the car for hours or months to go party.
-I accidentally ingested LSD in the form of sugar cubes at 18 months. I'm not sure it was actually an accident cause she gave lsd to my brothers at the same time period when they were 6 and 71/2.
-At 18 months my dad got remarried so I'd live with my dad and step mom half time then with my mom.
_ My dad started molesting me at 18 months which lasted till I was 11 when I told my aunt at which time i was sent away to be with my mom.
-I was also molested by my oldest brother, my day care teacher and a couple friends of my mom.
-I was more violently raped by a teenage friend of my brother when I was about 8 i think.
-I never went to the same school or lived in the same house for more than a year.
-I was severely bullied at school and often beat up by other kids.
-I my mom was verbally and physically abusive and highly neglectful.
-I had no structure as a child
- I went in to foster care when I was 13 for a year and was then sent back to my mom.
I left home at 14 and lived on the streets.
-I got addicted to cocaine and became an IV drug user which led to having sex for money and drugs.
-if I'd had the ability to say no I'd say I've been raped more times than i can count but i was literally incapable of saying no so I would just lay there frozen or pretend i was asleep.
-I went to treatment in 1990 and have been on a very rocky road of recovery since.
-Ive had 7 abortions (3 under duress) and 2 miscarriages of babies I wanted and was relatively ready for.

My life has been characterized by countless attempts to get my * together and as many failures. I do best when I'm in a relationship with a controlling partner but I always leave. My last relationship was with my therapist who I needed up marrying and moving with. I starated therapy for the 20th time after landing in the hospital in 2011. A month later, the day after my birthday my dad died and I responded by deciding I was in love with my therapist who is a lesbian, I am not gay myself but the transference was so strong I was 100 percent sure it was real and spent the next year of therapy convincing her we were supposed to be together. She was also the therapist of a couple of my closest friends so I go isolated from them, we decided to move across the country so we could be freer together, i knew before we got married that i had made a terrible mistake but I didn't have the courage to tell her so I married her and moved across the country.

We moved here and opened a cafe and there were many parts of that experience that were the best of my life. SHortly after opening the cafe I was diagnosed with a brutal case of rheumatoid arthritis. About a year in to opening the cafe I had what ive described as a Phoenix experience. I was near dead with the RA and trying to hold the secret that I didn't want to be with X and a friend who is a pastor said I lay before you life and death, i went home and meditated on that and chose life and then I got really mad, I'd never been mad in my life and it all came out at once on X. I felt so mad that she couldn't hold the space for me and keep the boundaries strong-the truth is I'm relentless when I want something. That anger fueled some really positive changes for me in my physical health and a freer experience of myself than I'd ever had.

We tried to remain roommates in the house we bout and continued to run the cafe together but it was brutal. We couldn't compromise. I left a year ago on September 19th and I've been pretty isolated since. Ive been fired from 2 waitressing jobs for what I would say are CPTSD related reasons but for whatever reason its been very demoralizing.

I recently enrolled in college. Ive tried to go to college four times as an adult and I always drop out. I'm about to drop out again and it makes me so mad at this disorder. You know how people say I'm the first person in 14 generations to go to college, well I'm the first person in i don't know how long not to go to college. I used to think I was mentally handicapped. I know thats not true now so thats good. Or maybe it is true but its not about IQ.

Anyway, Ive been striving for higher ground for so long and am so tired of the constant fall backward. If I look objectively I can see its a miracle I'm alive much less I no longer use drugs or sleep with people i don't want( but then again i don't sleep with people i want to either) i don't often self harm anymore, i don't lie as much, I don't steal, I have a roof over my head, i have a small group of friends who think I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread and are very supportive but they don't get my struggle-I am very grateful for them just the same.

So, I dont know what to do with myself. I have almost zero self discipline and lots of self sabotage so making any headway with a self motivated program of recovery is highly unlikely. The progression of complex trauma is interesting to me. When I was younger I had a terrible flinch response and my hands shook really bad all the time, I was seriously hyper vigilant and said I'm sorry 500 times a day-i felt sorry for breathing, I wouldn't say * if I had a mouth full. Now I no longer shake and I can a near car accident or some other thing that should trigger an adrenal response and i have no response or barely a response like the pendulum has swung to the other end. My hyper vigilance it subtler now and more about how others perceive me which I think is why i lost the last two jobs.

The logistics of daily life as an adult feel totally over my head. I'm about to file bankruptcy.. I can not keep my house clean. I can not do my homework. Ive examined it and its not that I'm lazy; its that I'm paralyzed somehow.

Anyway, i know this has been really long. If you're still reading, Thank You sooooooooooo Much!!!!!  I have an appointment with a therapist who looks promising but as you can imagine therapy might be harder than ever after marrying my last therapist. I wish I could get in to some kind of study of complex trauma so I could get some really effective treatment but i suppose that's unlikely. I guess I'm here because I need to be in communication with people who can validate many experience and where I can have an experience of reciprocal support. I was a very active member of AA for 16 years. I miss the fellowship but I dont qualify anymore. Seems I have a lot to say. I hope someone can relate.

Peace and Grace