Papillon's journal - Possible Triggers

[papillon]

I've hesitated to start one of these journals. Putting sensitive information online seems like an inherently bad idea with potential negative repercussions down the road. However, I'm struggling to make sense of my world and can't think of where else to turn. I've been lurking for many months, occasionally commenting, and I've been consistently encouraged by the supportive community I've found. Sometimes I wish we could gather together; I think we would find safety in one another's company.

Safety is lacking in my face-to-face relationships. Or, rather, my fear interferes with my perceived safety.

I feel I cannot disclose sensitive information to even my closest friends. As a result, no one really knows me. They know the front I put on. They know a lie.

They know a woman who goes out of her way to serve others. They don't know that I'm often unable to even identify what my own needs are. They don't know that even the concept of wanting causes me to freeze in extreme stress and brings overpowering emotional flashbacks of shame, hatred, selfishness.

They know a woman who laughs at the world. They don't know the profound sadness which drives me to laugh as a coping mechanism.

The know a woman who struggled to get traction in the professional world after college, but now enjoys an interesting career. They don't know the intense anxiety and crippling depression that has inhibited my professional life. They haven't seen me hide in a closet at my place of employment to endure a panic attack or overwhelming, irrational emotion. They don't know of my fear of speaking on the telephone which keeps me from engaging with the world. They don't know that searching for work brings back crippling memories and emotions of being told that I'm a stupid, worthless, piece of ****, who will never amount to anything, and deserves to be raped and hurt by the people in my life because of my selfishness.

They know a woman who is always well dressed. They don't know that I was once a smelly, under-nourished kid with one pair of jeans and one pair of shoes to her name. They don't know that my unstable parents abdicated their responsibility to properly feed, clothe, and teach me how to care for myself. They don't know that I struggle to groom myself properly.  They don't know that I can't stand the sight of my naked body. They don't know that I change my underwear as infrequently as possible because doing so reminds me of unpleasant things. They don't know that the feeling of the shower water on my skin makes my entire body tense up. They don't know that I go through periods of not brushing my teeth before bed because my unconscious mind tells me I'm not worthy of dental hygiene (that's so ridiculous when I say it out loud that it really makes me laugh).

They know a woman who is not athletic. They don't know how disconnected my mind is from my body.  That I've endured decades of chronic pain and have become desensitized to my body's needs. Do I need to eat? Or use the bathroom? Am I holding tension in my shoulders? Is my hip on fire? They don't know how I panic and dissociate when my counselor, fitness instructor, or chiropractor tries to get me to tap into an awareness of my physical self.

Thanks for giving me a space to share. It helps. Enough for now.

[Three Roses]

Papillon -   

Putting sensitive info out there for others to see is frightening, I know. But, you did it so huzzah for you!



This is a safe place. So many people can relate to our stories here, having endured much the same in our pasts. No one will use your history against you because we know what that feels like. No one will invalidate your feelings  because the same has been done to us.

Instead we welcome your revelations and celebrate your courage! It can only benefit you in the long run.

[Alice97]

Wow, I relate so much to everything you said. I wish I could relieve some of your pain 

It took a lot of courage for you to start a journal here - I totally understand the fear of posting sensitive information for all to see. Kudos to you for that 

I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through and are still going through. I know you know this but you aren't alone, we're all walking through this together. Keep fighting

[papillon]

  Thank you, Three Roses and Alice97! Your words really are an encouragement to me. 

My last two therapy appointments have been very heavy and have left me feeling flooded with emotions and memories. If I hadn't written that journal entry I think I may have burst from the pressure.

I'm struggling against tunnel vision. Depression and anxiety threaten to cloud out everything positive and hopeful.

The advantage of being a depressed adult versus being a depressed child is that I have a little context with which to approach the depression. My suicidal, preteen self had no concept that there was a world out there worth exploring or that I could have a place in it. All she saw were her immediate circumstances. She had tried to fix her life and could not. The only thing left was to throw in the towel.. or so she thought.

Now I struggle to cling to the perspective to know that "this too shall pass". The child I was could not have known that she would have friends, travel abroad, graduate from college, live independently, or start a business. To despair now, in the face of recovery, would be to invalidate all of the goodness that was and could still be.

Yet, I have no idea how to move forward. No clue how to hope. Or plan. Or dream. Or desire.

I cling to my breath. All I have is this moment. And even that seems too much to bear.

How can I reclaim a life for myself when I doubt that I can engage with the world in a meaningful way? I know now that there is an exciting world out there, filled with beauty and pleasure. What I doubt now, maybe more than ever, is that it has anything to do with the likes of me.

I want someone to yell, scream in my face that I'm wrong. To get my act together. I want someone to motivate me with shame. I don't know how else to function. Therapy has taken away my ability to motivate myself in that way. Systematically stripping me of unhealthy coping skills. Now I'm a newborn babe with all the pressures of an adult life, all the memories of a traumatic youth, and feeling utterly clueless as to how to comfort myself and navigate these deep waters.

[Danaus plexippus]

Ok, how 'bout anger? Works for me! After my husband died, I had no Idea how to go on, or why? Too often I have volunteered to my Shrink, my friends and my group T "I don't know why I'm alive!" at work I would run to the ladies room, lock myself in a booth and ugly cry. As soon as I got to my car I'd cry all the way home. Once there I'd cry some more. In fact my 20 year old cat somehow managed to approximate the sound when I cry whenever she wants attention. It sounds like she's dying. As soon as I appear she stops and lets out a cute little kitten like meow. A friend of mine taught his parrot to laugh, I taught my cat to cry.
The cats don’t know it, but they’re the reason I didn’t kill myself after my husband died. I stood there on the edge of the platform waiting for the next train to barrel into the station when slowly it dawned on me; I hadn’t made arrangements for the five cats my husband left me when he died. Poor things. I’m nowhere near as affectionate as he was. After our apartment got destroyed in a fire Mom Cat would dart out the door of our new apartment, run back to our old haunts and beg to be let in.
It takes mindfulness to discover your needs wants or preferences. I still catch myself asking “Would H like this?” when I go shopping. It might still make me cry, but more often now my inner T says “H is dead, get what you want!” Maybe you can be as blunt with yourself. The bad things are over now. You are an adult in an adult body. Yell at yourself, out loud if you find it helps.
I watch comedies and funny videos to get myself to laugh.
Are you selfish? Really? Have you questioned your selfishness cognitively with your T?
You don’'t have the option of going back in time and cleaning the ears of the child you once were. You can address your body dimorphic disorder in therapy. Perhaps you can try yelling at yourself about the hygiene issues. Trust me you do not want to end up in a nursing home with no teeth.
My doc has me under dietary surveillance. All these specialists are doing for us what our parents should have done. Sometimes I think of my mechanic as my “car husband.” It’s a shame we have to pay people to do things for us that partners, friends and family do for each other out of love.
I do still think of taking that flying leap into my dearly departed husbands waiting arms, but what about the cats.  https://youtu.be/fv3LoU5ovbI

[papillon]

Thanks for your thoughtful note, Danaus.  I loved the video!  and I love that you see the humor in having taught your cat to cry   

I'm so glad that your cats helped you hold on. I recently brought home a puppy. She has helped me in many ways already. Sweet moments cuddling, a regular schedule when she needs to be fed & taken outside, keeping me on my toes with training, and getting me out of my house into the fresh air. It's all very grounding.

I'd like to be able to cry. No joke, it's an actual life-goal. Crying was weakness, or selfishness, or annoying to someone I wanted to please... so somewhere along the way I stopped. I attribute that and the disconnection to my body to dissociation or depersonalization. It seems to fit better than BDD.

I'm just beginning to work on this with my therapist. Actually, it's what sent me into a tail spin this week. She asked me to feel my emotions... to describe what emotions were brought up with the topic at hand and what my body literally felt like in that moment. It was so uncomfortable to be 'in my body' that it sparked a panic attack. Which of course I went home and dealt with by running and then eating ice cream. But at least I did that in moderation instead of in the extreme It was 30 minutes instead of hours, and a single scoop instead of a pint. I'm calling it progress. 

I used to motivate myself through life by berating myself, or shaming. It was all a part of the twisted world-view I was living in but I didn't have any awareness of yet. I had absorbed the shifted blame from my FOO, deeply believing that I was selfish, worthless, unlovable, etc. Naturally, it was easy to motivate myself with harshness and shame because I thought I deserved it. Therapy is helping to erode that false belief-system... but I'm not sure that I've yet come to a place where something has filled the void left by the person I used to be.

Does that make sense? It makes perfect sense in my head 

Thankfully the hygiene stuff has gotten easier over the years. When I'm depressed it's harder, but mostly because it's difficult to find the motivation. After I had the realization about the teeth and face washing I made myself start doing that before bed. I would always do it in the morning, to be fresh for other people, but I had literally told myself I didn't deserve to do it twice a day. Somehow that seemed to make sense. As with most dysfunctional patterns in my life, I didn't see the fallacy.

I can't tell you how many times I have gone to get groceries and have come home with very little because I would have thoughts that seemed perfectly rational at the time like "you don't need that" or "don't spend the money, you'll only eat it". I didn't think I was worth spending the money on to nourish myself or have something to enjoy.  I hesitate to call it anorexia, but this pattern of rationalization is how I malnourished myself in college. A few months ago I did this and (thanks to progress in therapy) I realized the faulty thinking when I got home without enough food. It was sobering to see that I had a decade long pattern that I was previously unaware of... but also encouraging because it means I'm starting to see myself differently, starting to see myself as someone with value who just might deserve to experience the world.

I think you're right about needing to practice mindfulness. It will help guard against the faulty thinking, but it sounds as terrifying as being fully present in my body and mind.

I guess I'll keep taking baby steps. That feels both brave and ridiculous.

[Danaus plexippus]

Congratulations on getting the dog! I'm so happy for you.

[Chartery]

Hi Papillon,

Everything you have written is heart wrenching and cry worthy to me.  Please give your self a break and realize that the way you feel about yourself is only because it's the way you were trained to feel about yourself - no one is born feeling that way and you are deserving of so much more.

You wrote:
I want someone to yell, scream in my face that I'm wrong. To get my act together. I want someone to motivate me with shame. I don't know how else to function. Therapy has taken away my ability to motivate myself in that way. Systematically stripping me of unhealthy coping skills. Now I'm a newborn babe with all the pressures of an adult life, all the memories of a traumatic youth, and feeling utterly clueless as to how to comfort myself and navigate these deep waters.

The old programming we have received can be comforting because it's all we have ever known and therefore familiar for us to navigate through.  Feeling utterly clueless how to comfort yourself is a learned condition - it's exactly how you were wronged.  Speak to yourself with the kindness of the most beautiful mind you know.  All of the 'They know's' in your original post are awesomely symbolic of your inner strength.  There's a lot there to love and build on.

[papillon]

Thanks, Chartery

My therapist uses that word "programming" too. It fits doesn't it? Like, objectively, I know I'm a grown woman with the opportunity to live a full life... but, more often than not, I feel like that embarrassed, confused, discarded kid.

Sharing on here has been incredibly helpful and stress-relieving, and I really appreciate the dialogue I think we all know what it's like to have a story that no one wants to listen to. It stands out when you know you can say hard things out loud and know that people are not only not going to run away, but they are going to really listen and engage with your pain. I'm thankful to also feel that way with my therapist.

I suppose the goal is to let down my walls with member(s) of my "real life" community whom I trust. I really don't know where to begin with that. You all are trauma-informed. Most of you seem to be seekers of knowledge, wanting to improve your lives. You read about trauma treatments, you discuss it here, you have experience putting it into practice.

It wouldn't be fair to say all, but most of my friends have had smooth, sheltered, happy lives and have enjoyed many healthy relationships. They don't have the frame of reference to understand. Whenever I've even hinted at my experience being different than theirs I've been met with victim blaming, told I'm exaggerating, told it's time to move on, etc. Even the few friends who I think would truly listen to me and hear me out, I fear I would lose their respect. I fear that they would pity me and only see the damaged person instead of the big picture that it's possible to be both.

Maybe that's disrespectful to them? To assume I know how they would respond. To assume that they would react poorly. To assume that I would lose their friendship, no longer viewed as a peer, but as something less because of my mental struggle. Are these assumptions just my fear talking louder than what I know to be objectively true? Another instance of programming gone wrong?

I know I'm not saying anything that hasn't been said a million times before. But it feels so good to say it for myself! Thanks for listening

[annakoen]

Papillon, if you are interested, I think you may find the book "My Parent's Keeper" by Eva Brown useful. Just wanted to reach out to you

[papillon]

Thank you, Anna! Sounds like a helpful resource. I'll add it to my nearly-endless list of books I can't afford to buy 

I've been under so much stress, both personal and professional. So what could have been a minor interpersonal conflict yesterday sent me off in a thousand unhealthy directions. My inclination is... To isolate myself. To cut. To eat. To drink. To run. To throw myself into work. To deny my needs and make the other person happy. To destroy my relationship with this person. To move and start over somewhere.

So out of proportion to the situation.

I haven't done any of these things... instead I've been stuck. Paralyzed by fear and indecision. Literally stuck. Barely getting off the couch. Endlessly scrolling Facebook instead of engaging in life.

I'm flooded with fear, anxiety, and dread. So I stuff it down and disengage.

It's safer to feel and do nothing than to feel everything and do everything wrong.

I'm so sick of this. I want out of the cycle.

I've had to deal with this since day one: 

So I overreact to someone un-intentionally insulting me... and the cycle continues.

I feel selfish for subjecting other people to me as I try to learn how to be a "normal" person who can successfully interact with other people.

Is that even possible?  Can we have fulfilling lives and relationships?

[papillon]

 

In the last 9 days I've told 2 people about the PTSD... something I thought I would NEVER do.

The first was my chiropractor, who's now helping me sort out changes to my diet to support my adrenal system. I suspect that I went through adrenal exhaustion as an accompaniment to the experience of depression and cPTSD in the last year.

The other was my yoga instructor. I've been going to her class long enough to have a good feel for her personality, but when I found out that she also teaches yoga in a clinical/therapeutic environment I felt safe enough to disclose my situation to her.

Both scenarios are fairly "safe" environments, and I stand to benefit greatly from their support now that they know how to help me. Starting with helping professionals has been a good place to start, and a positive experience!

I'm still terrified of disclosing to other trusted people in my life (friends and mentors). They know I'm keeping something close to the chest, but I haven't been able to articulate everything I've been going through. Various people know various parts of it. Some know about small aspects of family dysfunction, a couple know about the depression (but not the full extent), one knows about anxiety, etc.  I dance around the topic, wanting to be vulnerable and accept their loving support, but too terrified and anxious to follow through.

I'm pretty good at faking being normal, I've put a lot of energy into it over the years. Through therapy this last year I've realized what a toll that has taken on both my mind and body to expend so much energy not on living, but on hiding. It's exhausting.  I thought if I let my weakness show that it would be exploited and I would lose all the people I care about and any hope of having a future. If I let the cat out of the bag about my experiences and ensuing responses, then everyone would know that I really am weak, unloveable and worthless, just like my mother taught me. At least if I could fake being a normal person with a happy backstory then I could save others from having to be exposed to my inherent darkness and selfishness... (For the record, I'm not saying any of this is justified, it's just the truth of what I've thought over the years.)

The idea of allowing these invisible, but crippling and life altering, wounds to be known still sends me into a panic. There's no turning back once the truth is known. Part of me desperately wants to keep on faking, because it's all I know. It's the only thing that feels safe. But I think a bigger part of me has come to understand that I can't continue living in denial. It doesn't work. It doesn't deliver on what it promises. If I want to heal, then I can't deny that I've been hurt and that I'm hurting.

[Three Roses]

It is really terrifying to be vulnerable. Your post is timely for me, I'm seeing my new therapist for the 2nd time tomorrow and I'm nervous. Thanks for posting! 

[papillon]

Three Roses,

Good luck to you tomorrow! You can do it! I think occasionally about having to start over with a new therapist and how hard that would be. I hope this person is a good fit for you and that you can continue healing with their help. 

[annakoen]

Papillon, I know the feeling of finding a way to share, to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is a virtue, but I think you're somewhat right in being hesitant: over sharing is the unhealthy other end of the scale and not everyone *deserves* to know your every weakness! Tread slowly and carefully, with respect for your vulnerabilities and be sure to check: does this person deserve to see more of me? Will they treat me with respect? And do they also share parts of their vulnerability with me? Am I drawn to them in an unhealthy way or is this a true connection?

As someone who tends to overshare and share too soon, mostly with people I am unhealthily drawn to due to some recognition on a trauma level, I know it's difficult to find the right balance. Don't force yourself, let the people who deserve to know you get to know you slowly and respectfully and ensure it's mutual.

It's very brave of you to tell your yoga instructor and chiropractor, a great start!