The ramblings of an abused kid (trigger warnings galore)

[GoSlash27]

 Another thought, touching on last week's comment about 'becoming people we wish we had'...

 I had two people I vaguely remember who came into my life as a child who fit that description. Just random people nobody knew. They weren't threatening, didn't want anything from me, never took advantage of me. They just befriended me, mentored me for no particular reason, talked to me and listened.
 Now I wonder if, like 'Squeaky' with that little boy or me with all those fatherless children, they could simply sense that I was broken. And if so, I wonder if they went through similar childhoods themselves.

[dollyvee]

Truth is, my 'caring, nurturing' tendencies come from a dark place. It's not just that I wanted others to do better. Nothing that neat or altruistic. 
 
Finally, my tendency to be nice (and avoidance of those who are not) is borne out of a subconscious need to avoid or defuse conflict.

 I suspect these darker motives are what drive most of us to become this way.
 

Hi Slashy,

Hmm I'm not so sure about the "darker" aspects of where these things come from. It's hard to blame a child who learned how to do these things to survive an unsafe environment as dark, and intentionally doing coming from a "selfish" place, but I do see where you're coming from. Perhaps it's our shadow selves that we don't want to look at. Or rather, are so contained in shame, so we don't look at them.

About 8 (?) years ago, I slowly started to realize that I was having "reactions" when I would do something for someone and it wouldn't be reciprocated, or I felt kind of taken advantage of (because something wasn't reciproacated etc etc). This is around the time that I started therapy again. I realized that the person I thought I was -giving, loving, whatever - might not be all of those things the way I imagined it in my mind (and this is the important part), and I guess have a "darker" side. I think it's important because as a child we have this idea of who we have to be in order to survive, and when we step outside that, we see ourselves as bad. I think I would file it under child consciousness as Heller descibes it. It doesn't make you a bad person to not be those things all the time, that's just what you had to do to survive. I would guess that shame construes those things in our mind as bad because I believe that I do want good things for people, and to help make their lives easier etc. I guess I am now learning that I don't want to do it at the expense of myself any more, which makes me feel "selfish" at times.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Hope67]

I'm also sending you support, Slashy 

Hope