Frozen

[Pixelpixiestick]

Does anyone else experience the recluse? You want so badly to go out and enjoy the company of others; you get invitations do to things with others, maybe see a movie, go shopping, catch a pint at the pub, but it seems like the most difficult thing to do; to do anything. It's not just a lack of motivation; you have motivation to go experience life, but for some reason, it seems as though this unnatural force is holding you back, caged. You convince yourself you can't go; you come up with excuses because it's unexplainable and embarrassing, and because you of course feel as though you have to explain everything. "Intellectualization" probably something most of us with CPTSD know all too well. We understand why and solve the puzzle so we feel better about it. It somehow alleviates the stress, and I know I convince myself that it alleviates the pain (which it of course doesn't) even though it was a crap puzzle to begin with. I just want to do things without being whatever it is I'm being. I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to see people. It's confusing and contradictory. I miss out on playing in some pretty fantastic venues with bands I know because I can't go.

[globetrotter]

Sometimes.
I go through phases. I am usually a pretty social animal, but there are times when I don't want to go anywhere or see anyone. Sometimes there is an underlying layer of crabbiness, so I think it may be the outer critic rearing its head. Sometimes it's my Social Anxiety.
Is it possible that you have SA or depression? These are two things that can hold people back.
Do you feel this way all of the time, or is it cyclical?

[Pixelpixiestick]

It could be possible. I haven't noticed a cycle, but I know it's not always. It seems as though more times than not, I don't want to leave my home. I don't want to step outside of my bubble.

[Rain]

Here is an article that may answer your question

http://www.hsperson.com/books/the-highly-sensitive-person/

[schrödinger's cat]

Very interesting topic. I'm having this problem as well, so anything we come up with here is very welcome...

I thought of High Sensitivity as well. It's just one aspect among so many others that might or might not influence how comfortable you feel outside your home. But one thing that might point towards high sensitivity is if you're feeling MORE comfortable in "controlled" environments, for example in familiar venues that are NOT jam-packed with people and where you know you could theoretically just leave the venue for a few minutes to calm down and then get back in. But then say it's a concert that's going to be just packed, so there's no way of getting out and then back in. Or say you're with people who'd find it extremely bizarre if you just popped some ear plugs in halfway through and closed your eyes. So you'd head to the concert knowing that you'll probably end up being overwhelmed by sensations without any way out. And maybe that's off-putting enough to make you think twice about going?

And maybe social hypervigilance can function in a similar way to HS? I mean, when you're hypervigilant, you also take in a LOT of information that a non-hypervigilant person would just blank out. Taking in a LOT of information is exhausting, especially if it's emotionally charged.

[Pixelpixiestick]

SC, Rain, both of you are right. It's a fear of being trapped honestly, wherever, whenever. It's odd to think that my abuse didn't end when I left my old city and my family, but I allowed myself to be in horrible situations, not knowing what would happen. I wanted to believe everyone was good willed when I left that mess, that there was no way the world would be full of people with mal-intent. I've not made many friends. I have a hard time letting people be my friend; most people have either abandoned, abused, or neglected me in some shape or form. I used to stand for justice and what's right amongst friends at an early age, always trying to make sure everything was fair and equal; this didn't really make me the most popular of children, and of course, no one would ever be invited to my home. I also grew up very poor, but I attended a Christian, private school. I was ashamed of everything I was, and I couldn't relate to any of the kids my age.  It made it tougher to want to leave my family too. They were the abusers, neglecters, tormentors, but it seemed like they accepted me more so than my "friends".

I think about life and what all I have done to make it more difficult since then, and I used to hate myself for it. I loathed, despised my very being, but I didn't know what I was doing. I had never been shown or taught how to function as a normal adult. So, part of it, I'm afraid of being trapped outside of my now safe bubble, my home.. I finally have one of those by the way.

Also, when I'm in a noisy crowd, I can't handle seeing things, hearing things, being overwhelmed by just the volume of people, and in those situations, I always want to save whomever it is that's about to be hurt. I can't protect all of them; it's not my job, but I can't help but hear the conversations buzzing around in each little group, and when it's a smaller party, I can't help but feel the need to entertain and I feel boring. I have no amazing stories to contribute around a campfire, no fun childhood stories, I don't know what makes up the majority of a childhood. I think as I get older, this will be easier to get over. People will have more experiences than just childhood.

[schrödinger's cat]

Oh sh*t, are you still young? YIKES. I remember that time. I was in a group of Americans once, and they decided to play "never have I ever". It was one of the most hideously sobering, depressing, bleak-as-can-be afternoons in my entire LIFE. I sat there wondering if I should just suggest "never have I ever memorized the phone number of our local ambulance service" just so I would have something I could stand up for. NEVER AGAIN.

But it gets better, just like you guess it will. It SO gets better. People sober up. It's more likely that they'll have been hit by tragedies or disappointments, or that someone close to them has. And your energy levels decrease as you get older, so people around you turn quieter, less manic, less loud, less likely to screech and vault over tables or dance the night away. Lastly, you've got a better chance that the conversation is less about childhood anecdotes, and more about things like work anecdotes, travel stories, funny things you experienced while pursuing a hobby or training for a half marathon, anecdotes about a famously grumpy professor at your university, or whatever.

Pixel, from what you said, it might be interesting for you to look into this whole "highly sensitive person" thing. A strong sense of what's fair and just would fit the pattern, from what I've read. If you've always felt that you were different from your peers, that would also fit. From what you say, I also get the impression that you're highly empathetic, with a strong sense of what other people need or expect, and that you're finding it a bit difficult to just say "bah, what do I care?" and do your own thing - which would also fit. If you are indeed highly sensitive - well, knowing that you are is (obviously) not going to fix anything automatically. But it would give you a good starting point, since there's literature out there with coping strategies and things you can teach yourself, so you wouldn't have to reinvent the wheel and develop all your own coping strategies from scratch. Also, I've read several times that it's a huge relief to realize that one shares one's foibles with about 10 - 15% of all human beings.

[Rain]

Oh sh*t, are you still young? YIKES. I remember that time. I was in a group of Americans once, and they decided to play "never have I ever". It was one of the most hideously sobering, depressing, bleak-as-can-be afternoons in my entire LIFE. I sat there wondering if I should just suggest "never have I ever memorized the phone number of our local ambulance service" just so I would have something I could stand up for. NEVER AGAIN.

Gosh, Cat ...and to think that I was going to invite you to our next American "never have I ever" party!!!

You know, I am totally clueless on what you are talking about!   I guess I missed out on this ...thank God!!   

[schrödinger's cat]

Ah, sorry. I assumed it was a generally well-known game, but of course it might have been something from a specific region, I've no idea. You sit in a circle, and someone begins and says: "never have I ever... gone stage-diving!" (or something like that). Everyone who's done it gets up and has to find a new empty chair to sit down in.

[Rain]

"never have I ever" ...heard of this freakin' boring game!    YUCK!

[Sandals]

Pixel - I get it. Cat & Rain have already said some very wise things. I will add a couple of my own thoughts, see how they land for you.

Setting goals: I share some of your push/pull in wishing for a more vibrant social life but also feeling the impulse to hide from it. Sometimes it feels to me that if I could get there, it would help make things better and that makes the push/pull even harder to reconcile. The things I need to remind myself are to 1) define what a vibrant social life for me would look like and 2) recognize that I'm not going to go from zero to one hundred all at once. The latter is the hardest for me as I have a huge appetite to do so many things both at work, home and everywhere else. But I don't have the capacity for it, which lands me in a place of disappointment and the cycle just perpetuates itself from there. I'm trying to reframe this as good thing - that I have the curiosity and passion to want to do all of these but also the ability to choose exactly what is right for me - and that this is what equals success. It's still a work in progress for me.

Vulnerability - A bit of a flip side to what has been discussed about feeling trapped & feeling safe (safety is huge for me). I feel so very vulnerable when I don't know what's coming next because I can't trust that it's safe. Even though 99% of the time it is safe. And that ramps up my anxiety and brings down any pleasure, which makes me not want to participate. When I feel safety in trusting myself in being vulnerable, and that the universe is a friendly place, I am hoping this will change.

[Pixelpixiestick]

Thanks guys, you may of may not understand how grateful I am to have you on here. Life is difficult for most people at my age, and I don't know if I could go through this without you. I had to reach out, and I had to find some type of help, and I didn't even know this existed before I looked for it.

I will check into HSP more. It sounds like a good idea. I'm learning a lot. How are you guys so educated on this btw? Especially taking into consideration that CPTSD is not recognized?

And yes, I am vulnerable. I'm vulnerable, gullible, and sensitive. Fun combinations.. But I do need to be patient with myself, and breath. Looking back, I usually try to immerse myself in one way or the other. I'm learning, that I can have fun, go hang out, and leave when I want. I never need to be out of control or staying out until I'm so tired that I cannot drive. It's a situation in which I "victimize" myself then, and that's just not good for anyone involved.

[Pixelpixiestick]

I didn't know CPTSD was voted in back in '94. I just know that from what I've read, it is currently not recognized. You're so right about the responsibilities. I live with my boyfriend and my dog, and my boyfriend is teaching me that I don't have to do everything at once at that there are more important things than just getting everything figured out and accomplished, that I can relax and not try to conquer the world all at once. I'm very thankful for him. He probably has no idea what he's done for my psyche, but he helped me get to a place where I knew I needed to reach out. My dad has always been one to try to keep my thinking solely about responsibility. He's worried about me as an adult, but I need him to worry more about my inner child. The kid who felt abandoned by him to rot in the * that was my life with my mother for nearly 18 years. He didn't know exactly what was going on, and it was easier for him to believe it wasn't happening. My mother and her parents threatened to have him locked up all the time, and my mother listened in to my phone conversations, so I couldn't tell him anything, and I was forced quite frequently to tell him that I didn't want to see him.

With that being said, he is constantly on my case about being responsible and thinking I'm some ignorant normal 23 year old college drop out. It's easier to talk to almost anyone else but him. He gets so angry when I don't do what I should be doing at my age. When I tell him that I need some time to heal, he scoffs at me and tells me I'm just making excuses. It's like he doesn't believe it any more. That after everything I went through, and the police report and custody battle at the end, was all a distant memory, that needed no other resolution

[Rain]

A huge  PPS and I love your boyfriend (I hope you don't mind).

You clearly know the truth of your situation, and you are working through it ... with wonderful support in him ...and some friends on the internet.

Do heal, PPS.    Your father has blinders on.   We all do in this life actually.

You do have a job right now, and it is a full-time job ...Recovery.   

[Pixelpixiestick]

Thanks Rain, I don't mind at all. He and I actually bring the best out in one another, and push each other to be better (even if that means sleeping in late and watching a movie in our pjs together), to relax

You're right. He has blinders on, and he is suffering through knowing that I went through * for a long time. I'm not sure if I should ever visit that place again, that city. I miss a lot of people there, but my dad and boyfriend both fear that it will be too traumatic to go back there. I think they're right to be honest, but I want to see these people again; I know they will question me about what exactly happened and things of that nature.

I'm just happy I found new online friends to help ease my pain. The most pain a formerly abused child feels is when he or she is alone. I'm glad I'm not, and I'm thankful to have such a patient and loving boyfriend.