10-15-17 - Work will be challenging the next two weeks. I have an audit of my department (occurs every 3 years). It means dealing with authority figures, perfectionism (mainly my own) and criticism. I'm not so much concerned about the results of the audit. My main concern is that I am deep in the grieving/realization stage of my recovery (though I know this goes on for a lifetime) and I think I have to stop the grief work until the audit is over in two weeks. This work has been giving me a lot of relief but I sometimes come to work with puffy eyes or I'm somewhat drained the next day. I've been grieving several times a week and I fear stopping.
Also, it now feels sick when I fall into people pleasing mode around authority figures and these are "new" authority figures. I've decided to set a self care contract and journal nightly on my progress. After the two weeks is over, I plan on taking a trip for a few days which I will allow whatever emotion that needs to come up surface. I don't want to make the self care contract "too much" so I came up with a few things I can do each morning and night that I think might help. Here they are:
Every Morning
--Upon waking - 10 deep breaths
--Mirror affirmations to my inner child - we are safe, we are worthy, we are good enough, we are smart, we are loved, I love you
--Prayer for guidance and kindness to others
--Light breakfast
If Emotional Flashback
--Take a short break - find an empty conference room - breathe and read "getting out of EF list"
--Short stretch and breathing
Morning - one coffee only
Through out the day
--Plenty of water
--Healthy lunch
--Findings are not faults - think this when there is a finding
On the way home - call a recovery friend
After work
--Yoga - 30 min Yin or Gentle Yoga
--Talk to kids
--Talk to wife not about work
--15-20 min meditation
-- Minimum 6 hours of sleep
Let's see how I do. Remember, it doesn't have to me perfect.
Sounds like a good plan, rbswan. :) Best of luck with it all.
Thank you!
10-16-17 - I did ok on the first day of my self care with some setbacks. I slept ok last night. I did my 10 deep breaths when I woke up and did my mirror affirmations. I ate some oatmeal and a banana and said a little prayer on the way to work. The audit started out fine and then I was called away because of a major miscommunication about the services of a vendor that is scheduled for tomorrow. My coordinator was in charge of this and seemed confused on how to resolve the issue. I fell into "care taking" to save the day - I think this was me compensating for my nervous energy and trying to make myself feel better. I felt a lot of intensity because I took over the situation but it was resolved. I was pleased that I didn't use anger to stay safe as it was nearly a big issue that could have been avoided. I felt like I treated my coordinator well in spite of my fear though I'm usually good to my employees. I drank some water and took a few minutes to breathe and re-joined the auditors. So far so good.
Then came the EF, mild at first, and then it gained some strength. A comment was made about our/my approach to something and it felt like it was condescending. It may or may not have been as this person has a very "matter of fact" demeanor and reminds me some of my father. I felt strong shame in my stomach after a few minutes. I recognized my inner child's panic - "we did bad, we aren't good enough". I didn't respond immediately and asked if I could think about it for a while and move on to another issue. The auditor had no problem with this and I tried to focus some on the next thing. For a while, my focus went in and out. I would find myself thinking about how embarrassing it was to be wrong instead of the actual issue and I had to focus myself pretty consistently. Thankfully, I took a break and went to my office and drank some water and said a few affirmations. When I returned we discussed the issue that triggered me and didn't really agree. It ended up being a difference of opinion and not a big issue. In reflection, I have a lot of work to do on perfectionism and worthiness. I went to lunch with the auditor and we had Pho, food we both love, and it was nice to have something in common. Small talk was easy as he seemed to do most of the talking.
The rest of the day the auditor went through paperwork and I had some work to catch up on. I found myself either being extremely perfectionistic about my work or quickly replying to e-mails with not much thought. Also, by this time I had 3 cups of coffee, which is too much for me. So I stuffed my feelings some and went into some survival behavior. At the end of the day the auditor felt we did well overall but I felt a little sick. Also, I wore the old familiar "work mask" and it seemed that no one noticed my inner turmoil. On the way home I didn't listen to music or an audiobook and tried to just breathe easily. I cried a bit. After writing this, I'm heading to my Group Therapy to process this and then will do my yoga and go to bed.
10-17-17 - My alarm didn't seem to "snooze" so I woke up late. I handled this ok, didn't get angry or feel excessive shame, but it was a close call getting to work on time and gave me little time to get settled in. I did eat my banana on the way in, breathe and said a little prayer. It was a very intense day internally and I didn't eat lunch until later in the day but it was healthy. This is harder than I thought and I'm fighting my inner critic a lot. It feels like self care is unravelling and I'm succumbing to perfectionism. I cried on the way home again but it was release of anxiety and kind of felt good. I am practicing some self care and that is different than it was a few years ago. I did a Yin Yoga session tonight and haven't skipped my journalling. I'll take any progress at this point.
I had a really good group therapy session last night. It was mainly around trusting the group and myself. I feel trust and connection in this group, really the only place I do feel those things. I'm grateful I started that process. A few years ago I didn't believe in a lot of the things that are giving me some recovery. Every session is breaking the family rules of don't talk, don't trust and don't feel. I'm also grateful of OOTS even if it's just being able to type my truth. Thanks to all the brave people who give me inspiration.
rb, i give you so much credit for what you plan for yourself, the positives you're putting in place for you throughout the day. even if it isn't perfect, it's something tangible to strive for, and i do believe that counts. there are too many complications both within and outside of us that will do their best to sabotage our plans, but having goals such as you wrote gives focus and motivation.
i think it's pretty common to revert to old behaviors in times of stress, and i believe that one of the most important things we can learn is to have patience with ourselves. we won't do all of this just right all the time, but as long as we keep moving, we will improve.
sending you a hug filled with ongoing encouragement.
Thank you so much sanmagic for the encouraging words, it really helps to be heard. It was another long day but I'm getting through each one. Too tired to journal today. :zzz:
10-19-17 - Today I was productive at work, which doesn't mean that it was a good day. I'm in "excessive busyness" mode at work because of all that's going on (audit, authority figures, corporate hoo ha, etc.). My self care during work has taken a back seat to some frantic energy and it drains me. I feel like an alien trying to pass off as a human.
I think I have to face that I will be going through this until next Friday. I'm worried that I will spiral to the depths again. What is really hard is the "stuffing feelings" during work. I'm so amped up after work that I can't feel them until I it's time for me to go to bed and then I can't get to sleep. Tonight I've set aside time for yoga which is good. Also, I'm still doing my morning breathing, affirmations and prayers and telling my inner child that we are safe. It helps.
Tomorrow will be very busy with driving in traffic to three different places. I'm taking time off the first week of November. I think I'll go somewhere near the water and spend a week grieving. It might sound weird, but that sounds pretty good to me right now. Since I started the grieving process, it feels uncomfortable to stop, even temporarily, since it's obvious to me I have so much suppressed despair, anger and fear. Stopping all together wasn't really the plan but I can't come in to work drained at this time. I'm just figuring this stuff out anyway and probably don't know what I'm doing. It's a process, I know, and there are seasons, I know, but this will test me for sure. I've never been cut out, internally, for the corporate world. What sucks, to me, is that I'm good at my job. That sounds weird too, I know, but I'm down and feeling pretty disassociated. I'm glad I can journal and that there is some awareness. I'm glad I'm here. I'm glad I'm not alone in this stuff. I'm glad I still have hope.
i am glad for all those things for you, too, rb.
actually, i didn't think any of that was weird. setting time aside for grieving - i get that. we can only do what we can do in our everyday world, and it doesn't always leave time or energy for personal/emotional upheaval. in fact, i think it's a wonderful idea. you'll be in a place you enjoy, you'll be able to take your time, you'll be able to go at your pace in your own space. all in all, it sounds like a great plan to me.
i've been good at jobs that i didn't enjoy, so i get that, too. once again, we do what we can and what's necessary. i think you're doing pretty great with all this. i do hate when i'm not able to process my emotions from the day until bedtime. it's the only time of the day i'm still enough to do so sometimes.
i encourage you to keep going. you'll find your balance eventually. sending a hug filled with support and love.
Thank you so much for the encouragement and identification sanmagic, it feels good to be heard. I am very much looking forward to my time off and, hopefully, walking through the fear and triggering situations with some growth. :hug:
10-28-17 - The work audit ended yesterday. It went well from a results standpoint. It was a hard week. I seemed to disassociate a lot if I wasn't hyper focused on the task at hand. The result to my inner life was a massive amount of stuffing feelings with constant obsession. Though I think I "looked" good, and truly did well, I feel very disconnected to myself. Prior to last week I had been working pretty diligently on getting into my body and feeling my feelings. One week, and I feel like I'm back to being numb but for the "ball of something" in my stomach. I remember this "ball" but it used to hurt more - I guess I can be grateful that it's not as intense as it used to be. Friday ended with a bunch of accolades and "pats on the back" from my boss and team members. I didn't feel anything, it didn't mean anything to me. There is a disconnect with people. I can act engaged and present at work but it's like I flip a switch and can be that person. It's not me. It's not that I don't like these people, it's that I don't let anyone really know me. I feel as isolated as ever, just more aware of the isolation. The fact that it is self imposed, but occurs anyway, is going to make me really sad again once I can start feeling again. Ug.
So I had this self care stuff that I set in place and did pretty well at the beginning of the week. As the week went on and the work got more intense, I found it difficult to do anything but think about work, work, and sleep. Today, Saturday, I slept in some but woke up with that numb feeling and it stayed most of the day. I went to a recovery meeting and I felt the same. None of my inner circle were there and I stayed pretty distant. I have my therapy group on Monday. I will talk about this and ask for a suggestion on work to get me back into my feelings. I know I have to grieve again but I don't want to. Willingness has always been my strongest attribute in my recovery process and I feel like it's slipped away some. I really don't think it's permanent but I'm worried that I'll start in on process addictions if I don't be careful. Getting this out is a good step. Going to therapy on Monday will help too. I'm dreading work. I wish I could/would connect with people. I'm lonely and feeling the old familiar abandonment - it's self abandonment I'm sure. This is the step back part I guess. I'm glad I wrote this. I'll watch a sad movie later maybe. That sounds weird but it helps me move feelings around sometimes. Yeah.
I don't think it sounds weird at all. A sad movie can help me get better in touch with sad or lonely feelings. :)
10-30-17 - I had my Group Therapy tonight after missing last week and I'm so grateful I went. I've been pretty numb and have had a hard time concentrating. I started with a talk piece and discussed my stuffing feelings, numbing out and disassociation. My T suggested pacing and verbalizing - just letting what came out come out. I did and it started as mild annoyance and then some anger and just a bit of sadness. As soon as I felt sad I stopped and said I wanted to stop. Then my T suggested nurture. I said no - this really scared me because I haven't been able to accept nurture in Group yet. The whole group gently encouraged it and I ended up giving in. After a few minutes of accepting nurture I started to cry and then deeply grieve. It was good and hard and frightening. I had to fight the urge to pull away as nurture doesn't feel right. I stayed with it and felt like I got a lot of stuck feelings out. I felt lighter but out of it after the meeting.
My group members and T are amazing. I've been with them for quite a while now and they are really the only people I trust (in person) to express my childhood stuff and to witness my grief, anger and emotion. I'm glad I didn't skip group because I really did consider it. The scary thing is I was only gone one week. It's just that the week was harder than I thought and shows I still have so much recovery to do. I'm going to try and grieve and meditate as much as I can this week. I'm thankful I have this forum to get support as well.
wow - what a wonderful experience for you. and kudos that you didn't run from the nurture but allowed it. what a huge step forward that is.
the people there sound great, too. as well as the t. i admire her for giving you that little extra push that you needed. that's the kind of t that i appreciate, because sometimes i need that 'push' that i hesitate to give myself. too many group leaders will shy away from that. i'm just glad yours didn't.
sounds like a great place to continue being part of. well done. big hug.
Hi there, rbswan.
It's great that you were able to grieve back then. It takes courage to share your story here. I wish I could do that to a whole group of people.
Crying is often seen as weak, yet it is what is often needed to release the stresses in life. I've had a good cry a few days ago myself. Tears flowing. Snot. Coughing from hyperventilating. Shaking. It felt terrible. But it felt like a whole weight on my shoulders was lifted.
Interesting how that works, huh? See ya around rbswan.
Thanks for the encouragement decimal and sanmagic! I do feel pretty lucky that I found my T and the group therapy. Crying or showing any emotion was always hard for me because it was punished harshly in my FOO. Now that I have been grieving it's been easier and very healing. It's still hard and the nurture was a pretty big step. It's great to have a community of people who understand and can relate to all of this. Thanks so much to all you for hearing me! :grouphug:
11-2-17 - I read a good article by Pete Walker last night about abandonment depression. I'm feeling my typical abandonment melange/depression the last few days. The article on his website was very interesting and he contends that feeling depression can be therapeutic if it's not shamed (typical of the worldview that depression is a character defect) and processed by staying with the feelings and observing them so they can be integrated. He gets pretty deep in the article and I like the idea of not automatically trying to avoid my depressive episodes with one of my 4F responses. I agree that the typical American worldview tends to be "happiness is the only healthy state of being", which I think is BS. I'm not saying that I enjoy my depression but I'm starting to honor it and process it in a different way. First, I usually can't avoid it, so it's inevitable. Also, I feel it's a healthy reaction to years of trauma and self-abandonment. That stuff is sad and wrong and the feelings it produced can't be simply pushed aside.
Over the past months, I have been trying to stay with those feelings and "notice" them. I haven't done this in a while so last night I tried it again. I was feeling very low and it was affecting me mentally and physically. Mentally, I noticed that my critic was trying to disassociate by making up stories in my head. Also, I was craving sugar and bread. Instead of eating a bunch of unhealthy food and spacing out watching TV, I found a quiet room and laid down. It was hard to stay with my feelings but I was able to do it after coming back to my awareness over and over. Here is what I noticed:
Noticing my body (Somatic) reaction: The most noticeable sensation was in my stomach. It started with the ball of slightly painful emotion in my stomach. It felt like a balloon that had a dull ache on the outside. I tried to stay with it and it would pulse with more and slightly less intensity. Also, I feel aching in my chest, more near the sides under my armpits. After extended attention of these sensations I intuitively knew that I've had these physical feelings all my life, especially during depressive episodes. I also remembered that the original fear that started these feelings was way more painful and intense. Instead of trying to suppress the feelings I stayed with them. It was hard at times to try and keep myself from tensing up.
TRIGGER WARNING: Brief Descriptions of Emotional, Mental and Physical Abuse
Noticing my thinking: While focussing on the physical feelings, every once in a while I would have a memory of my mother in a rage state, her face gigantic and red while screaming at me (maybe pre-verbal memory as I couldn't understand the words in the memory). I had a few memories of being hit and thrown around, again my mom seemed very large so I think this was pre-verbal. Also, memories of being left alone in strange places (rooms I've never seen) and feeling extreme fear. The hardest memories to stay with were the shadow figures in a darkened room. They were looking at me and moving toward me. I had to sit up at one point as this was too much. My chest would start shaking while these memories came up. It was very hard not to disassociate, and I would occasionally by going numb or sitting up. Luckily, the scariest memories were very brief. Back and forth, back and forth, I kept bringing my attention back to noticing my body and allowing my thoughts. I feel that these are the things that fuel my ongoing depression just under my awareness. This was significant for me. I was having moments of being mindful of what usually causes internal alarms to sound. I may never have full remembrance, and I'm not really seeking that. I want to learn to feel and integrate the painful feelings if possible.
End Trigger Warning
I grieved and cried after about 30 minutes of doing this. I felt physically drained but also some relief. Mainly, I have much less shame about my depression. At the end of Walker's article, he talks about honing "staying present with depressive feelings" to a point of a sort of spiritual experience. That sounds cool but I'm nowhere near that point. I don't know why I was able to do this. I think I'm ready to really explore my feelings. I think I'm starting to see they won't destroy me. They sure do hurt sometimes though and I still fall into the 4Fs. I'm also working against a part of myself that likes disassociation, maybe even loves it (inner critic, inner child?). I still find myself in daydreams of when I was acting out on all sorts of process addictions and substance addictions. It's been many years since I have used mind altering substances but only a short time on the other addictions and I'm still addicted to sugar and caffeine.
I'm glad I'm still journalling about this and that this community is here. I'm meeting a friend at an ACA meeting tonight and will talk to him about this as well. I'm grateful for recovery and this community and a safe place to share.
That's great, rbswan.
When I first tried somatic awareness, I was skeptical. But it turns out there is a lot of value in being able to be aware of these in your body. There were emotions I've never noticed and subtleties I've never reached. There were memories and hurt thoughts stuck in my body ready to be released.
I've been grieving recently too. It feels horrible to me but I'm oddly interested in how much trauma has been kept in my body all this time. Nice to have it released.
I hope you take things at your own pace. No pressure. And good luck.
See ya around.
Thanks for the insight Decimal, somatic awareness is new to me and I did start to notice the subtleties. I'm interested in seeing where it goes. I hated grieving when I first started it. Now I allow it and sometimes welcome it. I mostly do it in group therapy but it is now part of my recovery. I continue to be surprised at how much stored trauma is in there even though my T continually tells me that there is a lot I haven't experienced yet. Thanks for your post and see you later!
sounds like some good insight and different perspective on the depression thing. interesting.
i also think grieving is difficult, and has been ongoing for me for a very long time. i'm beginning to believe that a lot of my crying at situations or depictions about love, caring, kindness, etc., are actually grieving tears for what i haven't had, what i'd deserved, or what was taken from me and replaced by the opposite. i think it's something you've just inspired me to stay with and examine. thanks.
i give you a lot of credit for now staying with your bodily sensations and letting those realizations come up. that's some pretty intense work. good for you. sending you a hug filled with continued progress and love.
Thank you sanmagic for the support. Before all of this I think my crying, rare as it was, had a lot to do with grieving the loss of my childhood and loss of my ability to relate to people. When I would cry, before recovery, it would be very intense and I would usually desperately try to disassociate. I really related to Pete Walker's article and he expands on that subject in his books.
It's an interesting subject and hard because I don't want to seem like I am welcoming depression, but I am ready to acknowledge it as a natural process of my recovery. The most difficult part is not "reacting" to it with my 4F responses when it hurts too much. Thanks for the hugs, hugs back and I hope all is going better.