Messages

Thank you for this post, Jdog. Sending peaceful prayers of healing to the whole community. It is hard to feel safe when there are people (monsters) out there that want to inflict harm on others.

The Stanford case has been triggering me consistently since I heard about it. I feel I take my personal safety for granted too, but it truly isn't our fault we're affected this way. And never means we don't care or have compassion and empathy for others.

Again, thank you for sharing. I know I will be meditating on this later.

Fondly,

~Daughter of Light~

Boatsetsailrose, thank you for sharing your personal story. I'm so sorry to hear that you've struggled with binge eating. When I was with my abusive ex boyfriend, I started binge eating (like I did as a child to cope with the sexual abuse) but my metabolism isn't what it was so I put on quite a bit of weight. This triggered my anorexia when he started body shaming me relentlessly.

I am so glad to hear that you have the support that you do and that it's helping. Self-compassion and spiritual growth are my main focuses right now too. Honestly, I just had a big EF this morning and it is so hard to know how to cope with that (especially when I can't place where they are coming from). I'm trying to remind myself that it's okay, it's apart of my healing journey, that I didn't do anything wrong and that I deserve love, support and care (including healthy food choices).

I just want to say I am so proud of you for being clean and sober! It takes a lot of courage to admit you need that kind of support. Sometimes all we can do is one day at a time. But it is enough. We are enough! I hope your day is amazing and if it's not, I hope it gets better.

Take care,

~Daughter of Light~

I am not entirely sure if this is the correct place to post this, but I wanted to open a discussion about eating disorders in relation to CPTSD.

Today is the first ever World Eating Disorder Action Day and I believe it is so important to end stigma surrounding any mental illness, but EDS are often over looked.

I was wondering if any one else here is participating today by sharing truths and key messages about eating disorders. I have struggled with Anorexia Nervosa since I was 14 and now know that was related to shame from sexual abuse, as well as the pressure to be a sexual object in our society. I didn't put a name to my ED for almost 10 years because I never looked sickly and was afraid of being mocked by my family.

Is anyone here also recovering from an ED? What has that been like for you?  What is the worst thing someone could  say or has said to you regarding your ED?

~Daughter of Light~

Thank you, Dutch! Three Roses, thank you for the welcome back. It's great to hear that the forum is helping you so much already. I think about that all the time, how lucky I am to have the support, understanding and resources that are available now. But it's never too late to learn, heal and grow!

Fondly,

~Daughter of Light~

Alice, Thank you for your positive encouragement and support! I do see a therapist (actually have an app. in 15 mins) and I feel it helps, but I get triggered often. This morning I woke I from a dream that left me feeling violated and triggered. This happens frequently and the worst part is I just remember how I felt, not the dream itself, which makes it harder to analyze. Thank you again for your reply.

Fondly,

~Daughter of Light~

*Possible Trigger Warning* I can't seem to cope with my emotional flashbacks. I'm typing this with tears still streaming down my face. Lately I get triggered so easily and it leaves me feeling helpless; that has led to a relapse in my AN recovery and general self neglect. I also picked up smoking cigarettes again, after I was doing so well, because I just can't seem to cope.

Sometimes it's big things that trigger me and I'm trying to be more self-compassionate about it, but sometimes the little things wreck my day. Lately it's been before my fiance leaves for work. Like this morning, he might just say something like "Oh, I've really gotta get going!", and even though I know he isn't telling me I'm making him late or holding him back,  that's what I seem to hear. It triggers me and I get thrown into a crying fit which makes him feel bad about leaving, but I can't help it.

I know he understands, I just wish I didn't make things so difficult for the both of us. I want to learn how to cope and not catastrophize. I've read a lot of Pete Walker's site and its all really helpful, but it just feels like I'm not making progress. The crying spells and angry outbursts are the worse! I want to stop lashing out and figure out how to not be such a mess all the time.

Thank you for reading.

~Daughter of Light~

I was so glad to find this site several months back. I posted as Luminosity Rising then forgot my password shortly after. Sadly, I never got an email from the site to help me reset it, but here I am with new email and username. I feel like this forum could be very helpful for me. As I explained in my original post, I have a lot of trauma that spiraled and compiled, leaving me feeling like a scattered mess.

My only biological sibling, my brother (3 years older than myself) sexually abused me; it went on for 8 or so years, until I was 14, before I was afraid enough to speak out. My family (except my mom) told me it was mutual because, "it's natural for children to comfort each other in broken homes". That lie nearly destroyed me as a teen; I turned to self harm (cutting, starving myself, chain smoking cigarettes) and bounced from therapist to therapist.

At 16 years old I lost my virginity to rape by a high school class mate. The school made sure the security guard didn't let him near me, but my family blamed me because I had let him in my home. I told him not to follow me off the bus; he didn't listen and before I knew it we were on my front porch and he was kissing on me. My neighbors were outside and due to my overwhelming shame from childhood abuse, I was terrified to be seen. I let him in. I lost friends, my family's respect and compassion. I felt utterly alone.

Less than a year later (age 17) I met a 24 year old who groomed me and preyed on me and my friends. That led to a toxic 5 year relationship with that predator, who tormented, raped and bullied me on almost a daily basis. In that 5 years I was also raped by an (ex) friend's brother and used and raped by  recent ex's friend. I was a professional webcam model (solo live video adult "star", basically) for 4 of the 5 years, to take care of my abuser, as he refused to contribute at all. Thankfully, I've been out of that for a year and a half and happily engaged (to the sweetest man I've ever met), for a year.

Last year, in October, I attempted to take my life. Things just seemed like too much! My CPTSD symptoms were showing, when I thought I was "over" my trauma. Now, I am 24 years old and reprocessing everything one day at a time. Choosing to love myself and have self-compassion is the hardest thing, but I'm here! I go to therapy and love my current therapist; I also do Equine Therapy (horses are amazing)! But most days, therapy does not seem like enough; my triggers are frequent and feel out of control. It's hard to just feel okay, but those moments are happening, which gives me hope. I live for those moments. Thanks for listening.

~Daughter of Light~