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Wow, I am so glad it's not only me experiencing this too. Self care is a trigger for me too, a strong one. I came from a punishing neglectful FOO and married in college a high functioning autistic spouse. Who chose to never tell me he was autistic for over 24 years: until I was tipped off by a new pal that his behavior seemed abusive and cruel. I had no idea I was living daily with someone with an empathy disorder but i knew he was deeply narcissistic NPD. Every day, since leaving my abusive FOO and entering my marriage I was verbally abused: gaslighted, put down, criticized, told every thing I did was wrong, examined in great detail. Learned helplessness and stockholm syndrome set in. Then he confessed he was autistic and I collapsed inside learning about how much abuse I endured and how he kept if from me and how I was told by autism society I would never emotionally reach him. Over the years, anytime I picked up my self care abilities and improved my health, my looks, my well being: I was punished. Over and over and picked apart and gaslighted you name it. So, I am working with my counselor on how to reframe back to a better mindset. The mindset I had before he deconstructed me with criticism (at the autistic level) day in and day out for 24 years. It's hard. I have this trigger in me that: trying to improve my health and well being will invite punishment from my autistic ex. I lived this way for years. It's hard to undo.
So my counselor just mentioned ACT therapy to me here is the link: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acceptance_and_commitment_therapy

I am working on un doing years of abuse and deception. Then punishment whenever I tried to improve my health and escape: it got a million times worse because he would make it his whole life focus to pick me apart. So, giving this ACT stuff allot of thought and consieration. My counselor says some realities (like the deep pts I deal with) are what they are. But if I can progress more with self care they may minimize or lessen. I am no longer married to the high functioning spouse and I went no contact with abusive family a few years ago. I do think those were the best decisions I made ever because I feel like I am finally joining humanity again. Carefully, slowly and with the top focus being challenging myself to deal with these triggers. I completely get self care being a trigger. It is for me. I want to lessen it too, if possible.

Hi, I an new here and reading the posts in various sections really hits home to me and I feel it's nice to have others to talk to. I have a counselor I see weekly too.

I am divorcing a npd/asperger spouse (over 20 years). He withheld his knowledge of his autism to me our entire marriage. When I figured it out on my own he confirmed it then immediately wanted a divorce (he discarded me because I now understood the issues between us). He was controlling and manipulative and abusive: gaslighted me, mind games, diminished me, deeply controlling etc.

My FOO is a mess. I have a big family: half had PD's/BPD the other not. My mom was BPD as well, my father did not have personality disorder nor BPD.

I think I spent the majority of my life distancing from them (the BPD/NPD's) as they created drama and drained/affected negatively all the other people in the family. I also had traumatic loss of non PD/BPD family member and ptsd about that.

My mom died a few weeks ago...the BPD/NPD relatives all became enmeshed, I believe, in white collar crime. Like predators: the fact that I went no contact with them a few years ago makes them even more angry at me because they can't "get at me" anymore. They cannot exploit me anymore. So, I got letters in the mail, social media posts and phones calls trying to "mend" with me which I know coming from them is complete BS. These people are crooks. The worst kind. I always lived a state away from them and due to traumatic illness in a sibling I loved (who was not like these others) I became exposed more to these crooks and it slowly unfolded that they are crooks. They deal in deception crime. It's hard to explain. I only know what my dying sibling told me about them and of course heard through other relatives about the trouble these four siblings would get into.

What can I do to feel safe? I am trying to cope with my divorce, live my life, focus on healing flashbacks etc. as best as I can.

But to me the BPD/PD they have seems more complicated by the criminal dealings I know they seem to be caught up in. I feel like if they keep trying to get access to me (this despite my explicitly telling them I want NC) I can't endure just "enduring and taking it". Do I go to police? I am no investigator, I have no concrete proof about the crime I believe they are involved in, but I feel certain if I shared my suspicions with police they would investigate these people. I am torn about this. I would much rather they go away. I have tried my whole life to escape them. They have ruined the lives of my other non-BPD/non-PD relatives. They don't quit.

I feel with my mom's death they are plotting and planning to enmesh with me again somehow. Whether I allow that or not. Does anyone else go through this? My counselor says to be careful about going to police because if nothing is found I have deeper hate from them. But, everyday I look back on what they have done and see there is no way that they are NOT part of crime rings.

Torn. I have lived like prey within my marriage and FOO my whole life. Abused, used, lied too, exploited. I want to pick up the pieces but feel the learned helplessness and pts will never heal if I can't get my FOO away from me. I am seeing some progress in my life now that my abusive asperger ex is gone, physically, from my house. That helps. It's not easy: but my panic attacks slowly subsided and I thank god for every day I don't have to wake up and be demeaned under my roof every minute of the day. But then my mom dies and I know those predators don't like the word "no".

Help. Advice? I don't want to go backwards from my recovery work. I feel like I live in a war zone waiting for bulletts.

Liz, I can relate to your story on many points your made and the panic attacks I had last year were debilitating (I was divorcing and leaving a PD relationship) so they were full throttle. I know how physical flash backs and panic feels. One thing I used often, to get through things and bring down my stress level was this app:

https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/i-can-be-free-relax-remove/id327538172?mt=8

It's guided meditation. Any module you choose is pretty much the same.  Takes about 20  to 30 minutes a session. And you are talked to calmly by this voice that guides you calmly to your stressor: then visually lifts you away from the antagonizing force, problem, person, whatever it may be.

I had a counselor help me with panic attacks/flash backs too, they were bad: it took me 2 days at least to recover from them. But I found that, if I could remember to do it occasionally, or even right after a flash back? This helped take down the physical feeling of the attack. It really helped. I would not use is exclusively: as talking to your counselor processes your experiences better. But I really felt grounded whenever I did a session with this.

You are doing the right thing to get away from PD family, I did two years ago, I went no contact and in my mind the more crazier they get trying to pull you back in with old tactics? The more it affirms your great need to stay no contact. After talking to my BPD mom and sibling and asking them to listen to how they speak to me, stop talking to me like I am worthless, like they hated me, like I was a piece of garbage: they laughed at me. So, after ASKING them to stop the behavior and pointing out the behavior they still laughed at me and continued? I said ok: no more phone calls. Which bought about anger of course. Then I blocked emails and told them why I was not willing to talk anymore. Like magnets: they come back looking to gain entry. Each time they come back I try to remind myself of all the cruelty they showed and my pleas for them to stop going ignored. Even being mocked. Because they aren't coming back because they care about me. They care about THEM and THEM ONLY and staying no contact means that you aren't a punching bag anymore, not emotionally. Not verbally. Not at all. They lost their privileges to know you, be in your space, presence, your light. Done. No more. Consequences of being abusive should equal NO MORE CONTACT. Especially when it's all gone too far.
I remind myself of this thoughts. I see the PD relatives and my ex as emotional predators: because that is what they are and you have gone NC so you don't ever have to feel like prey again. You are free. 

Thanks for sending me here Dutch Uncle. I am very familiar with OTRS and the effects of an Non-Aspie and Aspie pairing. After my ex confirmed his condition to me: he gloated that he "knew all along". I decayed over many years trying to bounce back from constant critique and world view he had that everyone except him is stupid and why would I need to be emotional??? Can't I be more rational? That is the most generalized way to put how life was like that. My ex gaslighted me, used overt and covert methods to deconstruct my self worth, was very rigid in what was "acceptable" and not "acceptable" in our household, never hugged our child unless asked to, etc.... I went to an autism society therapist who works with non-aspie family members and he refused such help as they tend to be incapable of introspection and understanding of their words/behaviors on "others". Hence: that is what autism is. An explicitly clear sight of what they perceive: not what others perceive. They cannot empathize.

Understanding that you have PTSD requires no "mind blindness" and the ability to self reflect and understand "others" emotions. I don't think it is possible for them to have PTSD because they can't process, introspectively: on that level.

So, this is not to say they are not brilliant high IQ minds: they are. For limited topics/subjects they find a "special interest' in.

Interpersonally? It is quiet detrimental to be the non-aspie partner waiting, trying, re-trying, to emotionally connect, altering your approach, rethinking who you are, being over analyzed and constantly critiqued: because the lack of connection, real true : "I can imagine your feelings" intimacy is not possible with an Aspie. I tend to think Aspies should date other Aspies or at the bare minimum: not hide the autism from a non-autistic partner.

I feel masterfully exploited and used by my ex Asperger's partner. Like a game piece or piece of luggage. My feelings never mattered because they were not understood and definitely invalidated.

If you did not know talking to him that he was Aspergers: you would absolutely feel like he was rude selfish and narcistic. That is what led me to finally getting answers: he fit all the criteria of NPD and I thought: why can't I have a straightforward conversation with him? Why do we go in circles and he just doesn't understand me, I try so hard? I internalized ALL of our deficiencies as being MY INABILITY to "get it right" to or to "be worthy".

Ugh, I don't want to go on too much more about it....I do understand it sadly, in great detail. I am glad to have escaped, but it did (the divorce) re-ignite in me so much trauma from loss (my sibling died young) and a lifetime of struggling with him. I never felt grounded, worthy, safe, calm, joy, etc....it was *.

It's a way different thing if someone is told about autism and can make a choice. I was not and on top of that he was deeply, scarily, manipulative and exploitative.

So I look around me and I think....I know for a fact I never experienced real affection and intimacy in my life. Just emotional torture. How does one try again? Or start to believe it can be "ok". I know how to not date anyone like him in the future, trust me. But, I was so violated by him keeping his autism from me, never telling me. It's hard to reconcile the cruelty of what he did to me and my cPTSD is born from OTRS (and tragic loss, BPD FOO, etc...) I feel like a freak not because I did anything wrong but because I mistakenly believed he was something he was not. And it never bothered him one bit to do that to me still doesn't.

How do I "try" dating if I have never ever been in a "real" relationship ever? And I cope with cPTSD.

clarifying: "never had a kind emotional caring physical relationship with him" what I mean is that we were physical: but it felt more like being violated than being intimate. the disconnect between a person without autism and a person with autism prevents intimacy.

Hi,
I am half way through divorcing my narc. verbally abusive spouse. Still got a ways to go, but at least he moved out. So I have been in counseling for over a year now and since he moved out the panic attacks have slowly gone away, plus I work on them in therapy, to minimize. They were awful and intensified when he discarded me to divorce. As soon as I had confirmation from him he was Autistic? He wanted a divorce. After years of emotional neglect/verbal abuse/he spied on my computer use/gaslighted me/played horrific mind games (he withheld from me up until 2 years ago he knew he was aspergers all along and never told me).

I never had an "intimate" relationship. It triggers me to talk about my sex life (could it be called that?) so I won't. But I suffer from affective disorder because I never had a loving expressive kind emotional nor physical relationship with him. It really did a number on me when I learned I was duped all those years.

Anyway. I am glad to not have panic attacks anymore. I muddle through negotiations. Best as I can.  I emotionally detached from him and an autism society helped me understand what I went through.

I look around me and see so many people experienced true intimacy and affection (even no verbal abuse!) and I feel many times like a freak because that was all robbed from me. I lived a lie: I was lied too and robbed of the chance to know what real affection feels like.

I am isolated on purpose and its ok. I very slowly get out with my new puppy. Which is a huge thing for me. I accept that I will never walk around in life understanding what affection feels like: unless I experience it first hand. But. I feel like I escaped this weird "non-reality" in my marriage....and it was very punishing, the whole experience. If I knew, I would of left a long time ago. Because I have never had basic human needs met. Not in a relationship. Not sexually. Not intimately. Not at all. I don't trust that I will ever be strong enough to "begin" this late in my life (late 40's) all over again. Begin meaning: date for the first time, a nuerotypical person. A person with the same wiring as me. I don't know what that is like. At all. It's scarey.

I have that intermittently too. When it happens to me I feel "emptied out of all emotions" and I feel like this happens most when experiencing fight or flight negative feelings/being shocked by some new perceived abuse or triggered. I don't know. It seems for me to be a protection thing. When I experience say, a truly rude thing: cruel even, or a sudden serious event, in the current day. I turn off inside. It feels like my emotions turn completely off and I am drifting through the current abuse experience numb trying to kill off any chance it will affect me. Feels dissociative? Then, after the current day abuse/event I walk off and process it very slowly after the fact. Which then my emotions seem to want to return and process the current event....but I fight it off, or feel scared or too tired to deal with the transgression: it is almost like I am re experiencing past serious trauma/abuse and I am reliving an assault. So, I turn off. Inside. My emotions. I am working on identifying those moments better. When any new abuse happens to me: I try not to "turn off inside" and be in the moment and speak up or challenge the abusive behavior. I don't always succeed. It's a weird feeling to be here in the now but be thrown back into past abuse/flashbacks when current day things happen to remind me. I work hard not to dissociate but I know I am not perfect. I do my best.

Thank you jdog! I suffered from debilitating panic attacks last year....they went on for months and I just rolled over so to speak and endured. I held onto my counselor, and saw her twice a week to cope. I now see her once a week. Perhaps I was flooding too, not familiar with term but it felt like my present was reliving the past 24/7 all the flash backs, fears, hyper vigilance, etc... Fight or flight....very physical thing. Freezing in my fear. Ugh. just thinking about it....

Talking it through with my counselor absolutely saved me. I knew at least that much. That being in front of her and talking out my experiences meant I could maybe understand better. It took time, but came slowly. I understand the sources now. I liked the learned helplessness page here...gosh that defines my past for sure. I was a heap of "give up" on the ground. But the only way out is to sort it out with a therapist/counselor. One who understands abuse. Thank god I found her.

It's very true: trauma victims tend NOT to want to talk about what they endured. That is the first step. It's very difficult to "relive" and tell someone what happened to you. I cried many times in her office and flashbacks took over and there is nothing I can do to stop them other than keep talking, keep showing my pain and hope that I don't have to relive things I went through in such scarey ways anymore. It takes time. I still get upset recounting things (which I don't enjoy to do!) but it seems more doable now....I am sorting all this madness I endured from a safe place now.

I am working on not feeling like "prey" and not isolating. Those are my big goals right now. So much I lived through made me feel "punished" for ever trying to bounce back and heal. It's hard to describe, but, I guess because my victimhood went on for so long: I started to feel like if I ever did anything good for myself, anything healing, any self care, any advancement in my health goals or happiness or attempts to escape abusers: life punished me with these abusers actions in response. I started to feel there was a real cause and effect thing going on. Maybe there was. Because escaping abusers is very scarey and they manipulate and watch your every move like predators. I guess this is part of the learned helplessness thing. Which I agree with: long term abuse teaches the victim to give up. I am that victim who wants to stand again. Yes: I was floored with pts and fatigue and feeling so violated I couldn't move anymore. But I want to live a life that frees me from victimhood. I never deserved abuse. I know it takes time to heal what I went through but I say to all of us here: don't give up. Keep talking.

Thanks Kizzie, love your dog pic btw! I think dogs can help people with CPTSD, but I do caution that choosing a very healthy dog: one that comes from a reputable breeder, is important. I decided a rescue dog was too much struggle for me: so found a puppy. He really helps. He won't let me sit too long and is very affectionate. I think folks with CPTSD should get the most easiest breed to handle, calm temperamental dog they can find. Because even the calmest dog takes allot of work but the fact that I take him for walks and want to keep his needs met (social with other dogs and people) I am motivated to go to dog parks, outdoor cafes, coffee shops, walk in my area, etc.... This makes me interact with people more despite my distrust and feeling very "outside" of understanding others. I used to be so social, a people pleaser type, kind, trusting, etc...but years of abuse, emotional neglect in my marriage, FOO stress: I craved what I never had: kind caring people in my life.
:run dog: A dog helps military vets too, yes, custom trained dogs, but even the average person struggling with CPTSD can find restored hope and emotions come back by getting a dog. Well, this is how I see it anyway.
I am still, as always it seems: neck deep in coping with adversity - but now I am not alone. As a mother: I am in giving mode allot, being affectionate but mentoring too. But it's a job. I am expressive with my child but because I never had a loving marriage (only abuse) I never felt loved, protected, cared for, or worthy. Ever. It did a number on me. I lived in an emotional wasteland of abuse and confusion. I see myself as almost like a neglected abuse dog wandering the roadside. Seriously. Metaphorically: that is what i am. After years of abuse. But, even those dogs deserve love and redemption and a second chance. No, they are not going to be the most trusting animals after having been cast off and abused....but they are worth saving. And so I tell myself so am I.
Patience. Therapy. And reaching out somewhere like here helps. I am glad I reached out here. I am glad I found this site.

Last year I worked through attempting some exposure therapy with my counselor's guidance. I failed miserably but that was because I was entrenched in a divorce from a PD sociopath and this was all on top of my history of abuse from BPD'd family. Still, don't give up on it....the very hope of healing kept me at least contemplating exposure therapy and understanding it was an option to heal. Now that my panic attacks have subsided (after many months, so debilitating) we continue on with exposure therapy goals. I move very slow through it and never push myself if I can't. But: it's a goal. It's there. It's hope to break free from paralysis. I even had a terrible setback during all this divorce from PD person, CPTSD, etc.. in that I adopted an emotional support dog: desperate to have affection of any kind and not stay totally isolated. Well, after a year of working with a military vet trainer (who pushed me to trust and not fear) I had trained the dog to perfection: then the dog developed a late birth defect (collapsed trachea, which is inherited and cannot be fixed as most dogs die from surgical attempts to fix this birth defect) I put the dog to sleep to save it suffering anymore (collapsed trachea = they can't breath) and then I fell off the rails completely and isolated EVEN MORE than before. I waited another year to get through the first half of divorce negotiations with my abuser to get another puppy and have one now (for 2 months). FINALLY, climbing forward again in progress. I think, regardless of the tragedy with my other puppy: things were difficult anyway: and I retracted into myself with great panic and flashbacks and fear and anxiety no matter what. Still, I guess I am saying there are steps forwards we make, and sometimes those steps may fail. But. Try again. When ready. Know the option to progress is there. Read. Take breaks. Reach. Keep your support system (for me its my counselor). I want to be one of those people that can leave the worst parts of CPTSD in the background of my history: there but not running my life. I think integrating it into your self identity, your story, your understanding and forgiveness of what you endured. It's important. I see that. I hope more healing finds me like everyone here. Keeping at it helps. Thanks for sharing your story.

This post and the replies are so touching. I am new to this board. I have a counselor but never came to a CPTSD board before and it really helps to hear everyone's path to healing. I relate to your fear and story. I hope you have great healing and peace in your life soon. It takes time.

I appreciate your sharing, I am a new member and experiences a great deal of covert manipulation, sociopathy and BPD relatives. It takes a great deal of education and therapy to come to terms, understand and restore ourselves. Like you I feel defeated when I these relatives just keep coming back: but firming up boundaries seems to be the only real choice and if that is not enough: police I guess.

They say: if you starve these disordered people they will move onto other victims/opportnities, I guess to a degree that is true and perhaps when you do get that space and time away (rare as it may seem) it's best to keep healing, working on yourself, absorb the peace in your life and then use that to defend your well being even stronger the next time they come sniffing.

This is how I try to see my similar situation. Because otherwise I lock up and stay avoidant (this is me now, but trying to fix that). Good luck and thanks for sharing. I feel less alone with your story.

Hi,
I started in Out of Fog forum and it was recommended I come here. I agree. I have known about my CPTSD for many years: at the onset of a crisis 10 years ago (untimely death of a cherished sibling) - the glimmers of understanding for what I endured growing began then as I found a grief counselor to help me through the long term illness and loss. But it's taken years to fully know the entire breadth of my trauma and two years ago it all came crashing down in me.

My FOO is half BPD and half have no personality disorder. So I guess I have that going for me. Unfortunately: the disordered half just don't quit and some of them have even folded into what I am guessing is white collar criminal element as well. Thereby making them even more tougher to shake off.  I went no contact two to three years ago. Because I could not endure the abuse any more and was desperate to get relief. I was also coping with the demise of my 20 + year marriage because I had learned my spouse was high functioning autistic and he knew the entire marriage but chose not tell me. I won't get into the depth of the autism here....its an empathy disability and him not telling me all those years almost killed me. When I found out about the autism: I emotionally withdrew completely from everyone. I isolated. My flash backs returned (from 10 years earlier and the tragic loss of sibling) and I felt worthless, used, gamed, and exploited by my marriage. This took a full year to come out of. The second he confirmed the autism to me he announced he wanted a divorce too. Again, this is part of that no empathy issue autistics have. It was cruel and I found an autism society that (he refused to work with) told me I cannot expect him to emotionally understand me. I agree. But then after he discarded me (he could not game me anymore, once I knew he was autistic) panic attacks slowly set in because between my family stalking me, him and other job related issues I went full on into panic attacks, flash backs, triggers and full on isolation.

I am still partially isolated and trying to get out more. I know I won't trust anyone ever again: but I am trying my best to mitigate and maybe just restore surface acquaintances and social interactions. I was a happy extrovert before life chipped away at my sense of safety and trust. I had glimmers of bounce back at various times but my marriage demise was the last straw.

I do have a child. She is great. My reason for staying on this planet. I am sad she has seen me go through so much. I am a shell of who I once was before tragedy struck. But at least I understand now what I have endured. And that helps. I also just got a puppy for emotional support. I had a dog die unexpectedly around the time my husband left me and that did not help at all. But I am reaching once more for things to push me to try and restore my emotions, to not dissociate. I lived my whole life dissociating. It's all I know. It's what I did to cope. But I would like to live more than that.

I have a counselor. She got me through the most horrific panic attacks last year. I understand why it is so tough for all of us here to restore trust and faith in others: but don't give up.

My mom died two weeks ago and I am still negotiating my divorce. But, the BPD and NPD relatives have been hovering me since she died and this is endangering my progress I worked hard for all year. I am glad I found this board and the resources. Reading others going through CPTSD and finding ways to cope is helpful. I hope sharing my story helps.

I am coping with divorce right now and keeping these toxic relatives away. And keeping my panic attacks away and trying to reverse isolative preferences. It's allot. Some days I want to give up because it's exhausting. But, finding what gives me some crumb of joy helps. My child and my puppy give me joy. I work on myself for them. That is something.