Out of the Storm

I am starting a new journal for what feels like a new part of my journey. Part of why I am calling it "New Pieces", I guess  :Idunno:

It feels like forever and a day since I last wrote in my old journal. Quite frankly there is little about my life that matches that old journal anymore because there have been so many changes over the last six months. I graduated as am MSW, got my licensure and started a job as a full time LMSW therapist, moved states, lost family members, started a healthy new relationship (really enjoying it), restarted intense trauma work, and many other things.

Currently, I am in a very intense piece of trauma work. It has been several months of processing repressed memories and ones that I had but never worked with. Many of the repressed memories have come from between the ages of 2 and 6 which is heartbreaking for me. i have always said the worst of my abuse started at age 6 but in reality it was at age 2. I am now aware of that truth and coming to grips with it. It is tough but I am ever so grateful for my amazing therapist and for the opportunity I have to do such intense work. I get angry, sad, lonely, etc.. but I am more able to hold all of that. It is not easy a lot of days but I am finding my way through it. I recognize that this information and the memories make my life make a lot more sense.. it is painful but explains many things that I didn't have explanations for.

On top of this, I am having to have surgery after the first of the year (I do not have an exact date yet). I have spent about 4 months in and out of doctor's t figure out the source of my symptoms ad find a solution. That solution is surgery... I have a softball sized fibroid in my abdomen that has been pushing on my internal organs (obviously it must be removed). The stress and triggers related to so many different doctors and tests have been immensely difficult to navigate but I am glad to have a light at the end of the tunnel for this.

I have also started in a beautifully healthy relationships during all of this. It comes with its own emotional triggers for me but for the first time in a long time I am with someone who is healthy and cares. I am constantly amazed by her ability to be present and communicate in healthy ways. Not to mention she just makes me laugh and have a little more faith in the world.

I think that is enough updates for this first entry. I am not sure how much I will come here and update but I realize I need to be able to put these words somewhere again.

Elpha, good the hear from you. Thank you for the update.

 :hug:

That must be so very heartbreaking to realize how young the worst of it started. You have put in so much work toward healing that is allowing you to take these steps to confront and heal this part too, while continuing along with your life. I'm glad you have an amazing therapist to help with this.

Congratulations on your new healthy supportive caring relationship!  :cheer:

Thank you both for reading and responding  :hug:

Armee, it is heartbreaking for sure. I get a lot of hurt and anger feelings right now. Definitely a fact I am grieving through right now. That sort of ache that comes with grief is pretty present for me but I know that will pass with time and processing.

Also, thank you for the congrats! It is nice and new to be in a healthy relationship. I know it is early stages but I am so grateful for her already.

I can't even imagine how intense that hurt and anger would be and I'm a ending you lots of strength to feel that intensity and direct it outward where it belongs instead of at yourself.

Enjoy the holidays with your new honey!

It can get pretty intense but thankfully that comes in waves. I appreciate the extra strength to handle it  :hug:

Today is a little better than yesterday. I have stopped having nightmares and gotten a couple of nights of better sleep. I am finishing up end of quarter stuff at work and getting my clients through their holidays. It feels much more normal. I am looking forward to seeing parts of my family (even if only over skype) on Christmas Eve. Then I get to see my partner's family on Christmas. The two days after are days I have fully off of work and away from my volunteer position. I look forward to the recovery days.

My repressed memories from when I was two consist of little fragmented images and body memories. I imagine they will never play through like movies in the way my memories form when I was older do. Primarily, my memories circle around sa and pa that my uncle perpetuated. I knew he had abused me before when I was a bit older but did not fully know the extent. It makes a lot of sense of later occurrences in my life.

I feel as if I got a bunch of puzzle pieces back in the box and am putting them into the full picture now. It is tough to sort through and identify them but the whole picture is a lot clearer as I am able to sort through it.

Hopefully, this is the last of the major chunks of repressed memories for me. I feel like I have very few gaps at this point. It makes me want to timeline my life again to see what it looks like now. I won't do that right now or probably any time soon because it would likely be overwhelming or at very least exhausting but I would be curious.

I have tackled so much in the last three months trauma wise. Everything from early sexual abuse, body memories of violent instances, relationship fears, two sets of repressed memories (in addition to the ones this week), plus healing my relationship with my mom. I faced my fear of having a pelvic exam during this time and all of the health triggers as well. It has been intense and exhausting but I am so changed from these three months and will probably continue to be.

I am hopeful surgery recovery will cause a natural reset and restful period for me. No idea if it will happen but goodness I am hopeful for it.

Hi Elpha,
It's good to catch up with  your journal, and you've done so much in these past few months.  Incredible.   :hug:

Hope that Christmas has gone ok, and that you are enjoying the remainder of this year.  I hope you get some rest too, as you're so busy with everything.
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope  :hug: I did get some rest and enjoyed my Christmas. It was some much needed time off.

I found out my surgery is January 6th... I found this out yesterday so about 10 ish days before hand. It is a quick turn around and I have been trying to coordinate everything today. Honestly the coordinating everything before hand feels more stressful right now than the surgery itself.. Planning to have my M here for 10 days so she can help me out, coordinating with my job to make sure my clients are taken care of while I am gone for three weeks, making sure other responsibilities I handle are taken care of during that time as well. It is a lot. To top it off I have a head cold and am stressed about that affecting my ability to have surgery and then heal afterwards. It is a lot.

Now of course to add in all the left over trauma feelings and stress of the holidays etc.. My plate feels more than a little full but I will be okay. Having M here to help will be great but it also stirs up some feelings for my inner child parts because there is still old hurt that isn't fully resolved. I have gotten a second chance with my mom but it still feels complicated.

I don't really have energy to share any more than that right now but I am sure I will eventually.

my dear el, reading what you've discovered brought tears to my eyes.  then, learning about your new relationship was the flip side of the coin.  so happy for you, in the end, for both these extremes - glad you're getting those repressed memories resolved as well as finding happiness with someone healthy. 

best to you with the surgery.  i've known several people who've had fibroid surgery - no complications for any of them.  much love and hugs to you. :hug:

E I'll be thinking of you leading up to your surgery and through recovery. You've done so much. I hope you can rest during your recovery and things stay stable with your mom's assistance.  I'm proud of you. It's a lot.

San, it is great to hear from you. The extremes have certainly felt like a roller coaster but I too am grateful for both as I grow through them.

Thank you for the well wishes with surgery. Jt is great to know you know people who had the surgery and no complications.


Armed, thank you for the thoughts and we'll wishes. I am hopeful it goes smoothly and stable as I recover. I will continue to update here as I can.

Elpha,

Thinking of you and your upcoming surgery. I hope all goes well and that your recovery is restful.

Thank you, Not Alone  :hug: 

Long story short.... My surgery is being postponed and I likely need two surgeries instead of one to fix the issues in my body. I have more appointments and tests while I wait to hear a new date for surgery.

I don't really have energy or bandwidth to explain but I will try to at some point

i don't know about you, el, but i hate postponements for things like this.  i'm of the mind that i want to get it over and done with.  too much stress for me when it's put off.  it sounds like your docs are being thorough, tho, and i'm glad of that.  continuing best wishes that this gets straightened out and all goes smoothly from here on.  much love, many hugs :hug:

San, I definitely hate it as well. It is tough to have things like this postponed. I have had a harder time coping with things because the sort of end date I had for the physical pain no longer exists. I am glad they are being thorough because the secondary issue is likely the thing causing me the most physical pain. So if I have to choose I want to fix that one first. Truly hoping they will do both surgeries at once because it is possible but knowing it is going to be tough to make that happen.  :hug:

 :hug:

I'm sorry it is more complicated requiring 2 surgeries and that the pain of the fibroid and associated issue will be with you for longer than you had planned.

 :bighug: :bighug: to you Elpha as you wait for a new Op date. I hope they can do it all at once.

Thank you both  :hug: :grouphug:

I am hoping they will do both at once too. Get both pains and sets of symptoms gone as soon as possible. The second issue, we think, is my gallbladder acting up. When we originally were doing tests they did an ultrasound of it that appeared normal but found the fibroid (fibroid is basically the size of a softball so hard to miss...). So they stopped doing tests on my gallbladder despite the areas of pain I was having. Now, with increased frequency and intensity they are finally going to (hopefully) do other tests on it.

I see a doctor this morning that will hopefully be able to order that test....

good luck with the doc, and hoping both surgeries can be done at once, my dear el.  right beside you as you go thru this.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you so much San  :hug:

The doctor yesterday believes all four things we have thought are wrong with my stomach are all probably co-occurring. So I have a new medication, a major diet change, a 2.5 hour long scan for my gallbladder scheduled (Monday), and had to turn down having surgery today. They offered to do the initial surgery this morning as planned but I had to turn it down until I know more about the secondary issue.

I am just trying to be patient and as grounded as possible through all of this.

 :hug:

 :hug: Despite further delay, I hope a little more clarity on the medical front is helpful.

Hi Elpha,
I hope the scan goes ok on Monday.  I hope that you're able to relax a bit over the weekend, and keep as grounded as you can.   So much to deal with, but hopefully they'll be able to come up with a good plan, once more is known about the secondary issue.

Hope you're ok.  :hug:

Hope  :)

Thank you all!!  :grouphug:

Tomorrow is the day I will hopefully have some more information. I get a Hida scan at 8am (will not be fun but not bad). Then I will hopefully know if my gallbladder is the source of this issue. As soon as that is confirmed I should be able to reschedule my initial surgery and a gallbladder surgery

 :hug:

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and am glad the procedure won't be a particularly triggering one.

I hope that this gives an answer and a solution to your pain.

Saying a prayer for you this morning, Elpha.

Hoping your scan goes well!

Thank you everyone  :grouphug:

The scan was pretty painless, albeit boring. It meant laying in one position for 2.5 hours with nothing to listen or watch. Definitely dull but pretty uneventful and non-triggering. Sadly, I was feeling well yesterday and the scan came back normal. This puts me back like 5 steps and I have to hope my doctors will be understanding and do something for symptoms despite a clear test. I am in pain today (this pain cycles and yesterday was part of a lull)  and probably will be for a few days at least. I have left a message and am waiting to hear back.  I am putting a surgery on hold to hopefully figure this set of pain out.. in hopes of avoiding  this getting bad while I am already in pain from another surgery.. Hoping they can do both at once.. My family history shows that this is an issue that happens and needs taken care of but I am not sure how much they will care about that.

Last night, after finding this out, was difficult because I was so excited for a solution and instead I get more issues to solve. It has been months (I started this in August) and I am exhausted from it. Sort of at the end of my ability to keep fighting, advocating, and being in pain.... Yet, I keep going the best I can.

I'm sorry Elpha. It's hard to not have qn explanation and a solution. Let us know what the doctor says.

sorry you have to experience this elpha :( i hope the docs are validating your pain and that the surgeries can finally be done after all your waiting. fingers crossed for you!

I'm sorry that you didn't get answers. Living with pain is so difficult and exhausting.

Thanks everyone, it is tough not knowing and I still have not yet heard back. They have a 48 hour policy so I should hear today or at very latest early tomorrow morning. It is tough to wait and sit in uncertainty especially as it deals with physical pain. I want to get this solved but I also want to be able to schedule the surgery I already know I need for a different issue. It is tough to put it off like this. I know covid makes it tougher to schedule surgeries as well which does not help...

It sort of feels as if my health stuff has taken over my life. Everything I do has to be worked around pain, appointments, potential surgeries etc. I am pretty exhausted and cannot wait to be done with it. It affects my job and my clients... this is not how I wanted to spend my first year as a clinician. Yet, here I am trying to do both.

I know there is trauma stuff I need to work on but I can't open to much of that right now because my body and mind can't take much more than the current events its going through. Life is still going but feels like it is on pause at the same time :Idunno:

i hear ya, el.  at the moment, my mental health has to take priority over physical stuff, so just the opposite of what you're going thru.  i get the importance of having to focus most of my faculties on one at a time.  i certainly hope this crapola you're going thru gets resolved quickly so as to put you out of pain and more able to feel comfortable doing what you love.  sending love and a hug filled with finality and closure.  :hug:

When I got a full time job, my trauma work was on hold for awhile. The job and other life issues were all I could handle. Your plate is overflowing. There will be a time to deal with your trauma, but right now your health and your career are quite enough.  :hug:

Thank you both for normalizing where I am at with all of this.  :grouphug:

My health and career have needed to be the focus. It's about all I can keep up with right now

to my mind, that's plenty to be dealing with.  i think you're managing quite well.  you've got your priorities where you need them to be, and those are important.  keep up the good work.  you're beautiful.  love and hugs, el :hug:

That is so wonderful to hear from you, San :big hug:  It is a lot to be managing and I am doing as well as I can. I can't completely ignore trauma stuff just because I have to watch my triggers in all of this but you are right in the fact I do not need to be doing trauma work specifically right now.

I see the doctor again Friday. I am hopeful she will just order my surgeries based on symptoms. The diet change is not doing much of anything... My symptoms happen more frequently and are worsening. I hope to be able to do two surgeries at once and get back to living life without all the chronic health issues. It is extremely exhausting and taking any extra energy I have.

If Covid were not currently spiking all of this would likely be sorted by now. It is so tough to get into doctors and get tests done.. which is not their fault but it is tougher to be patient when I know that until I get to have surgery I will continue to battle this. I had to last minute take Friday off.. not as an enjoyable PTO day but to just manage the pain I woke up in over night because I didn't know if/when it would go away. I am never sure when I am going to start hurting or feeling extremely nausoues etc... I have some foods I know make it worse for sure but most things it is a gamble with. Like some days eating is okay and others it isn't. I have slowly started to get anticipatory nausea around food. I guess, it is my bodies way of creating a defense mechanism. Although, it is not a very good one.

I am just ready to be on the other side of this but I am not sure whether Friday I will hear some solutions or just get more questions and more tests to get done...  :fallingbricks:

Thinking of you Elpha and hoping you will hear some solutions on Friday  :hug: :hug:

Thank you Blueberry.  :hug:

I am hopeful to have more information tomorrow morning. Sitting and waiting is so hard.  Especially since people around me keep getting covid and if I get covid they can no longer do surgery for almost two months... I am doing a lot of isolating, working from home, etc. But it just feels like a matter of time. I just hope that time is after I am done with surgery(s).

I have managed the anxiety a bit better this week but not a lot. My body has started getting nauseous after I eat sometimes, doesn't really matter what I eat it seems.  :no:

I just want to be on the other side of this but it is tough to see that happening any time soon

sitting and waiting with you, el.  having to deal with debilitating pain, well, . . .it's just horrible and my heart is with you.  much love, many hugs :hug: :hug: :hug:

Thank you for sitting and waiting with me.  :hug: Today is a pretty bad pain and nausea day unfortunately. It is easier knowing I get to see a doctor tomorrow and hopefully have some answers.

Gentle hugs for you. Pain days suck. I hope they can help you, but we're waiting with you.

Thank you, CactusFlower.  :hug:

The doctor gave more uncertainties than answers but at least some options. I have to have a scope of my stomach done (waiting on scheduling), then we will go from there. She did say I could reschedule my other surgery because she doesn't believe I will need surgery for anything else that is going on which I guess is good. I will try to call and get back on their schedule. Then more diet changes, a food diary (slightly triggering for me), and a medication for the nausea.


It was a lot of information that just leads to more questions tbh but at least there are some steps forward.

I wish I had more answers and wasn't looking at several more weeks of this but I can't do anything else

Aw E. I wish there were easier answers that didn't involve a restrictive diet and food diary especially given its a bit of a trigger.

I had horrible pain and IBS and had to go on an extremely restrictive diet and Abx for a year for SIBO. It really sucked. That feeling of over control...it's not a good one. 

I wish you relatively pain-less days for the rest of the week and next. You've  suffered quite enough and deserve some peace and a break from pain before surgery.

I'm sorry that your news wasn't more concrete and that it involves many including diet changes.  :hug:

Thank you both  :hug:

I wish I had more concrete answers too. For now, I am doing a little better with it today. I can eat whatever I want (sort of) and keep a food journal. Then just wait for scheduling departments to call me Monday/Tuesday to get dates for everything else.

Today is less painful than the last few have been so I am hopeful for a few days of normalcy. I am trying to both rest and use the energy to catch up on some things

 :hug: Wishing better answers and direction for you with this. I had a thought as I was reading.... If the food journal is a little triggering, would it help to pretend it's like doing a restaurant review? Like "Spaghetti for dinner. Needed more oregano and the sauce was a bit thin. 3 out of 5 stars." It was just a thought to reframe the food with a little humor.  :hug:

That's a good idea, Cactus Flower  :hug:

So far it isn't as bad as I thought it would be, which I am thankful for. Hoping to continue with it being a bit easier than expected.

I found out yesterday that the scope of my stomach is happening early tomorrow morning. I am glad to get it done so quickly but also have had huge emotions about it.

Yet another triggering procedure to have done. It is quick and hopefully the light anesthesia will allow me to be asleep and not remember it. I'm pretty scared of the ides of being conscious of the procedure because I am not sure I could consciously let someone stick something down my throat and into my stomach. It's an unsettling and triggering thought. I have had terrible medical anxiety since that phone call and will be glad to be done so that can subside again.

Does it help to bring something with you that reminds you of present safe time? I know it won't get rid of that very reasonable trigger reaction but maybe something can help a little bit. I also find just being aware that something will be triggering to be helpful. Being caught off guard can be really hard.

I'll be thinking of you tonight and tomorrow and hope that whatever triggering happens is at least as gentle and short-lived as can be.  :grouphug:

Thank you  :grouphug:

I am through okay and just feel tired and dried out (they give medicine to dry the mouth and airway). So lots of rest and sleep care today but it feels better to have it all done

Well, it has been a long ish week but I am starting to do a bit better.

I had a scope and biopsy of my stomach done that came back clear. They finally set a new surgery date for me (Feb. 25th), had my pre-op instruction appointment earlier this morning. There are a lot of instructions for before and after. In addition, I started a new medication for my anxiety and panic attacks three days ago. Today is the first day I haven't been a walking zombie until like 4pm so progress, I guess. I am not generally a fan of daily medication but I needed to do something for the high levels of anxiety and frequent panic attacks that were/are hampering my functioning.

My inner children have been struggling a lot with physical touch and food because of everything that has gone on. So my partner and I have been at distance, doing zoom dates this week and I have been mostly isolating (I was doing so because of covid anyways). I adore that she is so understanding and was the one that offered to give that space but it is tough to ask it of her because I am still learning what a truly healthy relationship looks like. We do have plans for the weekend before valentines day though and I am stoked for them. Hoping that my inner children will be a little calmer about having people in my physical space by then.

I am still working from home and going minimal places because of covid. If I catch covid they cannot do my surgery so I have to be very careful for the next 3 weeks and then again after surgery until I am recovered. I don't mind it most of the time but it is tough to not see my clients in person and to try to balance what people I can and can't see sort of thing.

I do notice that having a date for my surgery helps me panic less about my physical pains because there is a hope they will go away soon. There are still nerves that it will not solve all of the abdominal symptoms I have but it should at least help with many of them. It is unlcear if there is something else going on because tests come back clear but symptoms aren't consistent with that. It is sort of a roll of the dice to hope that this takes care of most or all of it once I have recovered. I am reminded how hard it will be to work through recovery at first and allow people to help with that. Even for the first month I have a 10lb weight restriction which is a lot less than it seems like tbh. My work bags or grocery can quickly add up to that. Things like cat litter are easily over that so I will need to be more creative for a bit but if it helps it will be worth it.

Trauma stuff is definitely a background to all of this and can really not be separated because of the emotional triggers with all of this. It is an adventure to work through but is something I am doing a bit better to work through now. If I am honest, I am excited for two weeks away from work and clients. It will be tough to be away but it will be amazing at the same time. Life has been a lot recently and the break will be good. The first week will be a blur but the second week should be something I can enjoy.

Hi Elpha,
I'm glad to hear that you're starting to do a bit better.  Having your new surgery date for 25th February is good, and I am relieved to hear that your scope and biopsy came back clear.  It's great that you have some time away from your work and clients so you can concentrate on your well-being, and fingers crossed that all will be ok for your operation date.

:hug:
Hope  :)

Good to hear there is direction going forward and some procedures came back clear! I too find it often helps to know more about the next steps. here's hoping this weekend was pleasant for you. gentle hugs if you want them.

I know it has been a while since I updated. Honestly so much has happened and I don't have the time or bandwidth to update about everything.

The basic run down is taking Prozac has completely wrecked my system.. caused extreme anxiety and fear in ways that are worse than my normal. I am trying to wean off the medication to finally feel better from it. It has made so many things difficult to manage and I am ready to be done with it.

Surgery is this Friday. I am nervous but also glad to get this done so I can start the process of recovering. I get three weeks off of work so that will be helpful to my ability to resettle and heal.

My mom is coming in for my surgery to help me for about a week. However, she got sick last week. We were concerned she had clots in her lungs. Those tests came back normal and they have her on medication to treat what is potentially Long Covid. She is starting to feel better. I am nervous for her to travel here and get more sick but she is promising me that she is oaky and taking care of herself.

While she is here, she is going to meet my partner. I have said I love you to my partner at this point and grown very attached to having her in my life. I look forward to them meeting but am also nervous for it. I want them to get a long and for it to be a positive experience.

Anyways, I have tons of work to do (finishing up clients and paperwork before I go on leave for three weeks). Then of course all the other random surgery prep that needs to occur.  :fallingbricks:

Hi Elpha,
I would like to wish you the best for Friday's surgery.  Will think of you, and wish you the best outcome. 

Hope  :)

Thank you Hope  :hug:

Tomorrow is the day! This time tomorrow I will likely be under anesthesia.  It is honestly nerve wracking but I know it is a necessary step toward feeling better. I will be glad to be on the other side of it and in the process of recovering. My M got her yesterday and is staying with me until the 2nd (about a full week) to help me. I get her for 5 ish days after the surgery which will be a huge help. After that I am not sure if I will be home alone or if I will ask my partner to be here. Either way, I know there are people around me that are willing to help in anyway I need.

I have started to look forward to the three weeks away from work. I love my job and it will be tough to not worry about my clients but it will be nice to basically have a giant reset for myself. Life has been so intense the last several months and time away will allow me to rest and recoup from that as much as it will let me recoup from surgery.

hi Elpha
Best wishes tomorrow!!
I hope you receive great care during and after :)

Sending you lots of good wishes and warmth for your surgery and recovery. I love that you have people around and know that they will want to help you. I try to remember when I need help how much of a gift it is when I am able to help someone else...how good that feels.

hey, el,

first, best of everything for tomorrow - i'll be thinking of you, will be there in spirit.

second, i'm glad your mom is feeling better.  it's good to know there are meds for the long covid symptoms.  and that they help.  also glad she's coming to help care for you.

and, third, i'm on the love bandwagon always and it made me smile that you've told her you love her.  i hope she's also said it to you.  honestly, i can't be happier for you.  this deserves something special, to my mind, so i'm sending some fireworks cuz they always make me smile and remind me of color and light during any kind of darkness. :fireworks:  love and a hug filled with healing vibes  :bighug:

Thank you everyone  :grouphug:

I will update here in a few days

I made it out of surgery just fine. However, my two hour surgery became a 6 hour surgery because it was more complex than any of the doctors predicted.

Yesterday evening was rough, like I couldn't get up or do anything without my mom holding on me jusyt in case I would pass out.

This morning seems slightly better on that front. Just very sore today

I hope you get some good rest and continue improving each moment :)
Glad it went well!!

Simple would be nice sometimes, wouldn't it?

I hope the pain becomes less severe and that you can move more independently today when you need to.

Rest up, E!

hey,

i hope you can take your time and be at peace with your recovery period.  sounds like your innards could use some time for R and R.  sitting with you, el.  love and hugs, my dear :hug: (i don't want to give you a big hug cuz i don't want to hurt you!  just a lovely gentle one, ok?)

May all the 'little better' moments continue  :thumbup:

Thank you so much everyone  :grouphug:

I am definitely getting lots of rest and and recovery time. Little better moments are happening and I just need to be patient.

San, the gentle hug is great  :hug: My innards definitely need some R and R. They did a number on my entire stomach area. It's pretty red and bruising but will get better over time.

Still recovering okay. Being on the fourth day out from surgery is much easier than the first few days. I still get tired easy and am.pretty sore but it isn't nearly as tough.

I get occasionally frustrated with my limits but not too bad yet.

My M has been so helpful and supportive. She leaves tomorrow which will be odd but I am glad to have had her for the hardest part of this. I am grateful for how much she has grown and how much our relationship has healed.  :hug:

I'm glad you are feeling better and you I hope are so proud of what you were able to accomplish with your mom. That cannot have been easy at all. Keep resting. You deserve to heal from surgery and your body needs that time.

Thank you, Armee. I am definitely resting and being extra kind to my body. They did a lot that will take weeks of healing. I am on day four. The full recovery time is about 6 weeks. I have 3 weeks off of work to rest and recover.

Thanks for the update, Elpha  :thumbup: Hope the recovery keeps you at a wonderful, relaxed, comfort level. Very good to read about your relationship with m has continued to ease during this process.  :applause:

Elpha, wishing you peace and continued recovery.

Thank you, Not Alone  :hug:

I was coming here to update my journal today. I am 11 days out from surgery and doing pretty well. My ability to move around and do simple tasks has gotten a ton better. I have definitely made the mistake of overdoing it but feel like I have found a better balance now. I have been able to embrace the time off better than I expected, which is super nice. I am enjoying time to rest, play video games, read books, and be away from work. Honestly, it has been so nice to have a break from work and trauma for the last week. After the first few days of recovery, I began getting a bit more energy back and getting to enjoy the peace a bit.

Before surgery, I had some big trauma realizations and need to start to work through those when I see my therapist on Thursday but I am not certain I am prepared to do that yet. I know I have the mental/emotional energy but I am hesitant to step into it. The peace and rest have been so wonderful, I don't want to give that up. I am not yet sure if it is truly avoidance or not.  I know I need to address it. I know it is under the surface; just writing about it I can feel the difference in my body. The place to start this week is likely that feeling exactly. The need or desire to stay away from it is an emotion and feeling that is important, even if that is all I examine for now.

Anyways, surgery recovery seems to be helping my body feel better. Not 100% but it is doing a lot of good so far. I am hopeful that will continue to improve as I heal over the next month or so.

el, so glad to hear your physical recovery is going smoothly, and it sounds like you've got some emotional/mental recovery to dig into on the horizon.  take your time, enjoy your peace - those issues will be waiting for you.  i know you'll get to them when it's best for you.  love and hugs :hug: small and gentle, but heartfelt.

I'm glad you are starting to feel better and have found a good balance of rest. That tough stuff that's come up I trust your instincts to know when to tackle it. All we can do is tiptoe in and see what happens slowly and back out and let it rest when we need to.

Congrats on the physical stuff working out for you. Hope today's therapy goes well also. gentle hugs if you want them.

Thank you all for the well wishes and also the confidence in my knowledge of when to dig into the trauma work  :hug:

My doctor's appointments both went well, recovery is going as expected which is a nice thing to hear. I am still sore and limited in activity level but each day is a little better and stronger. I am doing well and could likely go back to work next week but I am grateful to have taken the third week off.

Regarding trauma stuff, I think my inner system just new I needed time for my body to heal before jumping into trauma work. There is also just a large part of me that needed to be able to embrace some peace and rest that was mostly trauma-free for a bit. So much of my job and life is helping others with their trauma and then dealing with my own. That can be exhausting and I am glad to have had space from that for a few weeks.  We did talk about that in therapy yesterday and addressed the bits of avoidance that feel like they go deeper than that. It will be some big work but that is for next week and not this one. For now, I continue to rest and heal

Lots of wisdom!

I have tons of respect for your ability to manage so much trauma personally and professionally.

Hi Elpha :)
I'm glad you're healing well and getting stronger.
I like how you are "embracing peace"... just wow
I am going to write EMBRACE PEACE on a paper and put it with my other notes in my office.
Thank you... and my best wishes for continued healing physically and of course with trauma.
I hope your day is restful and kind to you.

Armee, thank you. I try hard to be wise and to hold both my own trauma and that of the people I work with.

Phil72, I am glad the idea of embracing peace was helpful for you! It is definitely something I have grown to value a lot. I am continuing to heal and feel better each day. Glad to have another week of this before returning to life as usual.

hey, el,

so glad you've been taking some healing time by leaving trauma work on the side for a bit.  you've worked so hard, you absolutely deserve some peace for your body and mind to heal from the surgeries.  physical healing is important in its own right, and it's also connected with a different kind of trauma, one your body went thru.  of course, your brain is part of that, too.  so glad to hear you're progressing.  i hope you can continue to be patient with yourself.  EMS is alongside of you as you continue on, as always.  love and hugs :hug:

I know it has been nearly 2 months since I last wrote here. Man, it has been a full two months!

It has been almost 10 weeks since I had major surgery and time has flown. I am feeling a ton better and feeling better than my pre-surgery self. Things aren't perfect but at the moment I don't have to see any doctors until like October and that is just for a normal check up.

My trauma work got kicked into overdrive (not intentional). April was a huge month for trauma healing. I feel like a different person than I was when I last wrote here in some sense. I had a lot of processing of large traumas, shifting of some core beliefs, and acceptance of things that I hadn't had before. It was a load of work but I am grateful I did it.

I feel like my relationship with my partner has grown a lot. We hit our 6 month mark last week and I am excited for hopefully the next six months. We are on the same page and this relationship feels healthier than any I have ever been in. I look forward to seeing where it goes.

As a therapist, I am coming more and more into my own. It is tricky and definitely has some big learning curves but I am grateful to be growing into it. I feel like I have gotten to be a better clinician in the last few months and am hopeful that continues.

Anyways, those are all the life updates. I could delve in but I think an over view is best, given that I start my day of clients soon.

my dear el, this is such wonderful bunches of news on so many levels.  foremost, i'm glad you're feeling better and that gunk is behind you.  very happy to hear you're in a healthy, stable relationship, too.  well done to both of you!   :thumbup:  as to the clinician part, well, you know i never had any doubt you'd not only be great at it, but would also learn and grow into broader perspectives and horizons.  and, i give you full credit for tackling all that trauma stuff and you've come out the other side stronger and feeling better about you.  much love and a hug filled with possibilities! :hug:

Wow. It all sounds so huge, E.  :grouphug:

My overview of your overview:

:yeahthat:                :spaceship:

I know I don't come here very often or for very long when I am here. I think of everyone here regularly though.

Here's the major updates: I moved to a different apartment this last weekend and will be finishing the move this Sunday. It is not far from my old place but it less rent and better for a few other things.

Even more major, is I started a new job Monday. I have been there four full days and look forward to spending more time settling in. I am going to work primarily with kids and a children's advocacy center. So I will see kids after they go through some tough traumas and help them heal in the aftermath. Not all of my caseload will be that (it would be very heavy if I did). I will have some teenagers and then probably two adults to even things out. I am so excited to be in a space where I can use more of my play therapy skills and grow into truly being a play therapist. I feel like that is where I am best at creating impact. It is nerve wracking as I know it is close to my own traumas but it feels different than working with trauma adults as a therapist. It is scary to start over in so many ways at once but I am glad to be able to have the opportunity.



Then brings me the trauma stuff. I have had so many new memories coming back. I learned that my D has sexually and physically abused me... my Uncle was more violent and longer lasted than I knew.  It is a lot to take in and honestly it is on the back burner this week as I move forward through the new job and such. I have had some big triggers but am some how still functioning. It takes a lot of help from others (which is a challenge to accept). I am excited to have some down time soon.

Hi Elpha :heythere: I'm happy for you for all your progress and for how you've moved on and forwards inspite of, well, everything. I'm sad so much trauma is still coming up. And I wonder how you manage to keep going despite that. But you do!  :hug:

hey, el,

all the work you've done over the years, job juggling w/ school, new career, moving more than once and working on your traumas at the same time - it has always boggled my mind how you've managed to keep moving forward.  yet, you do, and you do it with grace and dignity.  congrats on your new job and your plans for play therapy - sounds exciting!  :applause:  and, wow!  some major realizations to work thru.  i hope you can take some time for you in the midst of the flurry.  so good to hear from you, as always.  sending love and a hug filled w/ every good thing you need to keep moving forward.   :hug:

Always so good to hear from you, Elph.

I'm glad you've moved into the new place and intrigued by your intent to incorporate play therapy in your 'portfolio' of approaches. As a matter of fact, your mention of it 'triggered' me, but hold on -- triggered me in a good way. Long story, but as a troubled child I ended up for a while in the care of a child psychologist, and have fond memories of his playful nature, and how he seemed to grasp the good it might do for me, having come from a home and school environment filled with doom/gloom scenarios. My only regret was that my time with him was shortened. In a sense, that was a boomerang trauma, but even so his great caring and the fun times probably saved me in many ways I could never thank him enough for.

Sorry to hear about the trauma memories that have rekindled for you. It's one of the hazards very hard to accept, but I'm always reminded of Pete Walker's statement in his book, about recovery being a lifelong pursuit. May you find the grace, and grit, to stay the course, up and down, in an out.

:hug:

E it feels really unfair that with so much trauma already that you should have more yet to remember, especially such disturbing ones. I hope you have the space to grieve those memories. I'm always really impressed by how well you seem to be able to contain these memories and keep them a bit separate and to continue to function. Your new job sounds massively difficult emotionally but also massively important and rewarding. I trust that you have got this and can do it safely for yourself.

Thank you all for your kind and caring words  :grouphug:

Blueberry,  I am not always sure how I keep going and functioning despite everything. It is a lot to have lived through and tough to remember. I think I just have amazing support. Things have definitely not been pretty the last few months but I'm making it.

San, thank you as always for encouraging my journey. My new job is heavy but I am loving it so far. I spent a lot of time in grad school doing play therapy and have missed it immensely. As far as moving forward, I thunk some central part of me is just drawn to always moving forward no matter what. A piece that let me survive still helps now. Sometimes it feels impossible.

Woodsgnome,  I have loved play therapy since I was in school. It has surprised me but I am drawn to working with young kids and helping them closer to their traumas rather than adults years after. It feels more true to my heart for this work. I am glad it brought up good memories despite not having enough time with that person.

Armee, I am truly hoping I am towards the end of remembering things. Eventually I will have all there is to remember and I can handle what is there. I am glad to be able to heal them but sometimes I would prefer not to know. Also, yes, my new job feels truly rewarding but is very draining. I have a good therapist and partner to help with it. Also just a lot of practice and self care.

Hi Elpha,
It's so great that you're enjoying your new job.  I feel sure you'll be really good at it, and make some real differences to people's lives. 

Good to hear from you, and know how you're doing.   :hug:

Hope  :)

This update will take a couple turns but we will start with the more positive life updates.

My new job is great, I love getting to work more with children and teens. It really is where I feel my best as a therapist. I am adjusting to working at a CAC, because I hear a lot about child abuse every day and meet a lot of kids who have been through terrible things. However, it is such a wonderful thing to be a part of a team that truly does care and value helping every person that walks through our door. I am grateful to be part of a team that I can tell cares and isn't just there out of obligation etc. We had a couple tough cases this week but we work together and also are able to process and joke together when we need to. I have a round 3/4 of a full case load so I am getting to my normal routine but still slowly adding on a bit.

New apartment is still underway. I just have not fully unpacked because transitioning to a new job is a lot in itself. I do like it though and it feels like my space.

I get to go on a mini vacation to a friends wedding out of state next weekend and my partner is coming with me. It will be our first trip together right after our 10 month anniversary which is super cool. It is amazing how ten months flies. For the most part, I am confident in that relationship. She and I can communicate in a way I have never been able to and I feel truly valued. I think occasionally I get nervous my trauma stuff will get in the way but she is always there to reaffirm and reassure any thing I need in a way that isn't co=dependent etc.



Less fun updates:

I am continuing to get more of my repressed memories back. My therapist and I have done our best to help slow that process down and to keep it from shutting me down in my day to day life. It is still exhausting regardless. I have done more trauma work in the last year than I have probably done in any other time. I have always worked hard on recovery but I think all of this has been so much of the core work on my traumas. I have actually addressed and am continuing to address the early sexual trauma that I was not able to face for a long time. It is exhausting work but also probably exactly where I am meant to be in my journey. Part of me thinks it may be because I decided to jump into be a therapist so I am opening more up than I would because I am exposed to potential triggers like 40 ish hours a week. I have occasionally wondered if I started that career too fast or if I should have waited 5 years.. but I know I was in a better more stable trauma place before school and that no matter when I started this career it was bound to bring up a lot. So I am glad to be where I am and will continue that direction.

So new memories.. continuing to get memories of my  D being abusive to me. Most recently realizing how sexually abusive he was and violent at times from as long as I can remember (so before 3 years old). I knew that of my uncle already (although, that was only like 6 ish months ago that I remembered that). It is tougher to accept and work on my D trauma though. I have so many positive memories of him that I know are still true but it is such a grieving process to go through, and I go through it every time I get new information. However, I cant just ask my system to give me all the information so I only have to grieve once. It doesn't work that way, unfortunately. I think I am heart broken, angry, disappointed, betrayed, and honestly just devastated. I prefer the version of my dad who was just bitter and mainly emotionally unavailable. I know repressed memories aren't fake but sometimes I wish they were. I have half thought about writing a letter here to him but I can't yet get the words to flow. I know they are there but it may be a little while. I have called him many names and probably will continue to. Hoenstly, I stopped talking to him about two months ago when I started remembering and the more I remember the more I think about never communicating with him again. He has not one reached out to me in this time so it would be relatively easy. I just have family text threads muted and communicate only with threads he isn't in (even that is sparingly at the moment).

A young part of me, would love to just tell all the secrets and watch the world burn. The world being my family. I am the family secret holder and also the biggest family secret. That young part of me is so fed up of holding secrets to protect everyone else and would get so much satisfaction out of watching it all blow up because they deserve to get some sort of consequences for being the crappy adults they were/are. I won't do that out of anger or a need for revenge but it is tempting every now and then. I also know that right now I could not healthily handle the backlash that would occur.

Anyways, my hand is sore so I am going to leave it here. (my hands get sore when my trauma is activated because somatic stuff...)

so much you're going thru, remembering, processing, el.  EMS is with you to help hold you together.

it is truly heartening to hear about your career, how you've found your niche w/ kids and adol. and that you've got a great team to work with.  i know those kids will all be better off for having worked w/ you.  i do believe you went into this work at just the right time for you.

so, so happy about your relationship.  it's wonderful you've found someone on your level who values you.  much love and a hug filled w/ future happiness. :bighug:

They do deserve to have their world rocked, that's for sure and you deserve to enjoy the mental imagination of seeing that happen even if for many reasons it isn't something you'll do in real life. I wish you many moments of peace in between the painful work of uncovering what happened, what your Dad did to you, and how to absorb the knowledge and navigate your family.

Your relationship sounds amazing. A solid partner can absorb the trauma and hold us up long term. I have that and can attest that some people do exist who have that ability.  I'm so happy you have your partner there to support you.

Hi Elpha,
I relate to many things you're writing about, and I wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok  :hug:

I also wanted to wish you the best for your weekend of celebrating, it sounds fun and I hope you have a wonderful time with your partner.

Hope  :)

San, it is always so good to har from you  :hug: I appreciate the reminder of EMS, I do sometimes forget that presence. It means a lot you hear you believe I went into this field when I was meant to. I have questioned it many times but always kind of landed on the same thing. It is good to have that reassurance. I do truly try to make a difference for those kids, even if it is to just be positive connection and someone that believes them. I am grateful for my relationship and hopeful that it will continue for a long time. It is so different from any I have had previously.


Armee, thank you  :hug: I do find that I have moments of peace in the middle of all of this. It is satisfying to imagine watching it burn even if  I won't in real life. It helps to visualize it and do things like write letters I will never send. Those motions go a long way.  I am glad to hear you have a similar partner in ability to help support and value you. It is an amazing thing and one I am hopeful will last a long time.

Hope, sending hugs right back  :hug: It is a lot to feel so I am glad to not be alone.  Thanks for the well wishes! I am excited for next weekend to get away and celebrate. I think it is much needed right now. Looking forward to time away from my job and honestly from real life a bit.

Unfortunately, I had a positive covid test yesterday (I have had two rapid tests show positive but a negative PCR which is odd). Either way, I have mild symptoms of illness so I no longer get to travel or work. My isolation will end on Monday but until then I am keeping busy at home. I was super looking forward to a trip and visiting somewhere new.  It is disappointing to not go. I have never tested covid positive so this is a crappy time to start. I  am a little overly tired, have a constant headache, and mildly sore throat. It isn't too bad and I am hopeful it stays that way.

I had a huge trauma trigger from all of it yesterday but I think it will be okay now. I worked through it best that I could and will continue to just be gentle with myself through it.

hope you feel better Elphanigh

Thanks phil, I am sure I will start to feel better. Honestly, I have been lucky so far with not feeling super ill.


I am dealing with trauma triggers from covid though. Oddly enough, not at all medical related. It is hard to manage the trapped and alone feelings that it causes. I spent a childhood trapped and alone in  a lot of ways which is just really challenged by the current day quarantine situation. Worse than that though is the feelings of being dangerous or bad... I know those are super young beliefs that are getting stirred up. I believed very young that being close to me was dangerous for other people because I was somehow bad and dangerous as a person. The people around me threatened and did hurt people I cared about. Normally blaming it on me when they did get hurt. So I spent my life protecting people by staying away at least a little. I had a lot of friends growing up but avoided having them close to my home and when they were it was exhausting to protect them with what power I thought I had. So the feelings of being dangerous to be around because I am covid positive is so tough. This is the first time I have tested covid positive which is hard. It would be hard without the trauma triggers.... and just the disappointment of not taking a trip and seeing my friend's wedding.

I am managing the feelings, although last night I didn't. I also know I am actively avoiding and distracting from them a lot because I have to. If I think or feel too much they can get overwhelming. I am trying to avoid that. However, I know avoidance is not always healthy or helpful. So while sick I am trying to find that balance.

Different underlying reasons but I very much relate to your feelings of being dangerous. A superpower to somehow hurt people. When all you actually did was protect protect protect everyone. But I had those same old feelings stirred up by covid, too. You're following guidance and people who may be around you will be informed to make their decisions too. Hugs to that super little part who feels this way.  :grouphug:

I hope you feel better soon, physically and emotionally.

I hope you feel better soon too Elpha :hug: :hug:

Thank you both! I am truly starting to feel better today. Luckily, I only had two days where I was feeling truly sick. Since then it was a headache, fatigue, and a slight sore throat. Today I am still easily fatigued and have a small headache but feel much better. I tested negative yesterday so as long as I test negative again tomorrow I am in the clear and can go about life again. The trauma triggers are not so strong today so I think tomorrow will feel pretty good. My partner is planning to come down and we will do a little day and a half mini vacation in the city here. It is sad we couldn't go on the trip but I am glad we will still get some time together. Less than 24 hours and I can start to transition back to normal  :cheer:

so glad it wasn't worse, el.  also glad you get to spend at least a little 'us' time.  love and hugs :hug:

Thanks, San  :hug: I am lucky ad far as level of sick that I got. Grateful to have e only had mild symptoms and be in the clear tomorrow

I feel like I am updating here a little more often because things are a lot right now. Don't worry, I am managing well and taking care of myself. I think on the outside it probably looks like I am functioning at near my best. I know that isn't super important but for me it is a sign of managing well because I know I am making time for my feelings and healing but am also able to maintain life in the way I want to most of the time. It does take a lot more rest and downtime when I am home to maintain but that's okay for now.

Positive notes first, I guess.  I am covid free (have been for a week or so). I think the brain fog and exhaustion from it has finally past.  My new job is feeling normal and like I am truly part of the team. One of my coworkers even came into my office and sat on my couch just to chat today. I love that bond. When I am gone I am missed, and people come to me for help which feels nice to be trusted and valued. Also, seeing kids is so much fun (not that it isn't also work). The one adult client I do have is so interesting and I am excited to work with them as well.  My partner is loving and caring (we are almost at a year and I am not sure where the time has gone). It is scary sometimes but she is always reassuring and is able to listen to those fears when I need her to, I feel like I do the same for her and I think it makes growing through this with her possible.


Less positive notes, trauma processing is a beast sometimes. I am doing a lot of solid work with my therapist but it can be intense and exhausting. Monday night my therapist put together some pieces that I hadn't yet. I am grateful we have a good enough relationship that she could bluntly tell me what she put together so I could either confirm or adjust it. She hit the nail on the head in a way that both of us felt in our guts. Sort of magical but also painful moment. We have been dealing with the triggers that happened when I got covid. One of my parts took a giant slide back into old beliefs that we have worked through before. Generally the ones that tell me I am not deserving of the good things I have, that being hurt is inevitable, even so far as to the beliefs that I was put on this earth just to be hurt, serve others, and protect others. All things that I logically really know are not true. We have also been working on this internal pressure I seem to have about meeting physical intimacy expectations. It has been almost a year and my partner and I have very little physical intimacy because I haven't been able to do taht with the triggers, surgery, knew trauma information etc...

Either way, my therapist becuase she knows me so well was able to see the connection between those two pieces. So much of my identity when I was young involved giving sexual intimacy to other people (being used), serving them, and being a shield for those I could protect. My therapist looked at me and said basically that I am not giving my partner sex and I am not caretaking her in my old ways so I don't know why she keeps me around.  It was like being handed this giant lightbulb moment by her. I am also so used to being something that people just show off because I can make them look good (was a lot of what was done by people in my life because I was the smart kid, the kid who was good at almost everything she tried, the straight a's, music soloist, sports talent, etc....). I am also not that anymore. Like I am not making my partner look good or anyone else for that matter... so like what use am I? It feels foriegn sometimes for people to just care for me because I am a person and not for what I can do for them. I at one point told my therapist that it was like I was created to be my own trap... that my identity when I was younger was my own sort of prison.... and that I was my own punishment in some ways... Mainly we were working with an 8 year old part who truly had just taken all of that as her identity. Who is so scared that it will inevitably come back... believes the old things we were told about never truly amounting to anymore than that identity.

I can't really begin to describe the hit to the system that all is. Like looking at the core of my identity as a person and trying to continue to reshape it (again). There are so many feelings and complicated pieces at play in that.

my dear el, that is quite a bit to unpack.  it makes sense to me, tho, that if you're not 'being' for another, why would they want you around?  those beliefs stand hard and don't go down w/o a fight.  i'm so very glad your T has helped you with this part of your portrait.  glad to hear that you're continuing to take care of you, giving yourself the downtime you need, etc., but also that you're enjoying the kids you work w/ so much.  what a gift! 

as far as what's super important, to my mind it all is.  that you're managing well and doing what's needed to maintain that level is a big deal in my eyes.  you have worked so hard over the years to get to this point, please, never belittle such an accomplishment.  so very proud of and happy for you.  much love and a hug filled w/ 'simply being you is always good enough' :hug:

Thank you for reflecting that all back, San.  :hug: These beliefs definitely are stubborn and this new layer is a big one. I am glad I can work with my T to help me through them. I am so glad I am still able to give the downtime I need to be able to function through all of this. I appreciate you validating the importance of me managing and maintaining the level that I am accustom to. It has been years of work and I don't want to lose that.

Sending lots of hugs back  :hug: Always so grateful to hear from you and be reminded just being me is enough

Hi Elpha,
I also want to send you a hug  :hug:  You're processing a lot, and you mentioned complicated pieces within a particular layer.  I very much hope that you find some ease as you negotiate your way through that. 

Hope  :)

Hi Hope, Thank you for the hug  :hug:


I came here to write that I am doing better this week. I feel like I had some time to process and work through some of the difficult feelings and beliefs. It was super heavy to be given so much information, to be still adjusting to a new job and apartment, while also getting covid etc. I feel like it was sort of the perfect storm for some opening back up of old beliefs and triggers that had not been touched in a while. It feels like there is more space for exploration about why that happened as things have calmed down internally. I know tomorrow's therapy session will likely be pretty intense but I think it will be okay.

 :hug:

So most of the time I am okay, others I do get this wave of just grief.

***TW mentions of SA***



Like I have known for less than a month that my D sexually abused me starting at around 3 years old... maybe earlier.. I have known for about 8 weeks that he was violent and raped me at gunpoint when I was 8.. I mean I pulled it on him first and in all likelihood, it wasn't loaded but still. Both of those facts could have sent me completely spiralling and made me non-functional. That reaction would still be valid, honestly.

I am, however, not spiralling and am still functioning at my full time job and some. I can barely talk to my family, although that has improved a little over the last month. I refuse to talk to or acknowledge my D. I am not sure if I ever will. At some point, I will probably need to in order to keep the family members I want in my life around but for now, I don't. For now, I change my Christmas plans because I don't want to be in the same room as him (or my uncle for that matter). I don't get to see my grandparents for another year in a row because I can't bear the idea of facing my dad and being civil right now. I am too bound to blow the entire thing up.


**End TW (for now)**

I get so mad and just want to blow all the masks off of people, show all the family secrets at once and be done. None of them deserve my silence.. Then I think of my niece.. She deserves my silence so does my sister. Honestly, so do I right now. If I want to share and to expose allt he secrets and my life experience it should be on my terms and not because I am just angry and hurt by them right now.

I just get so upset recognizing I was never the monster... all of my abusers were. So many of those adults were monsters or stood by and allowed the monsters to exist. Yet parts of me are still able to get triggered into feeling like it was me. I get so sad sometimes because I tried to be good, kind, caring, etc.. but I was made to feel like there was something always wrong with me that I was just born with something bad in me that I was somehow the monster that caused all of the hurt... When in reality that is on them. I was just a little girl who wanted to be good enough to not hurt anymore so I believed what they told me. I could have never deserved how I was treated. Yet there are still young parts of me that question whether or not I deserve love who want to hold onto some of the hurt because it continues the cycle of self punishment that part of me believes we deserve.




Hoenstly had to stop writing at that point for a while so I have no idea where my train of thought was. Waves of grief are just super difficult and I know it will be okay at some point. I think his betrayal hurts more than the others though. Everyone else abusing me was one thing.. but my D is a whole other for some reason. Between him and my uncle they created so much of the foundation for the next 10 ish years of abuse and my still deep need to be healing from it.

It was never you who was bad. They are monsters. Of course of course what your D did hurt the most. It's the worst betrayal possible. You get to confront or not confront however and whenever you want. It doesn't need to be right or perfect ot well-behaved or considerate of anyone who abused you or abetted in your abuse. Others who were victims....that'll be trickier to navigate. Im sorry there are collateral losses like Christmas on top of it all.

Just do the best you can with the grief. It's gonna be there and it's gonna be strong. It deserves to be because what happened is grievous.

I'm sorry that happened to you. You weren't bad and you didn't deserve it. As you said, no child does. He deserves to be behind bars, not you.

I appreciate all of those words and reassurance of what most of me knows to be true, Armee. You are exactly right, I  was never the monster. They were monsters fo rmaking me believe I was. I have been sa'd so many times by a lot of people. Frankly what my D did was low on the scale of severity but emotionally it does take a much larger toll right now. It is a worse betrayal because Ds are support to protect their daughters, not hurt them. I know he knew about my other abuse and didn't do anything.. At two points in my life I told him and got ignored or hurt worse. I didn't understand why until realizing he was an abuse too.. because I had dissociated these away for most of my life to be able to live and function as a kid. It makes it all make more sense but feels like it tears apart a big chunk of how I viewed my childhood.

As far as other victims, I am not sure if my sister ever was and I know (to the best of my ability) that my niece isn't. If I thought for a half second my niece had been hurt I wouldn't hesitate to blow it all up and make a large mess of my family. For now, because she is safe, I do not need to do that. I can take the time I need to navigate what I need in the situation. Certainly one part of me wants to blow it all up and be done being the family's biggest secret. Other parts of me know I would fall apart in the aftermath. I couldn't handle it at this time and that is okay for now.

Grief is hard but does deserve to be there. I just have to navigate it on top of navigating the rest of life. That is the unfortunate thing about grief is the rest of the world doesn't stop with it. 

I am grateful I see my therapist tonight. It should be a helpful session to work through the wave of grief I got. I think my littles did really well to hold it for me until last night when it was just too strong.

Standing here with you, and totally getting  it and agreeing, that the betrayal is worse than the other assaults that were "worse."

It's not the same of course, at all, but when I realized I had been set up by the grandfather of the kids I was namnying for an assault by others... that felt so much worse than the assault itself. And that wasn't even a family member or someone who was supposed to love me. But it is about 100x more upsetting than the other stuff. And it's just a sliver of a fraction of what happened to you.

He did set you up for what happened by others too in the future. He taught you that this is what happens and probably that you have no control. It's the worst betrayal.

I'm glad there are not other victims that you are aware of with your sis and cousin. That is one less thing to consider. You have every right to blow it all up when the time is right for you, if ever. That's totally 100% your call if/when/how.

For now focusing on getting through life and keeping it together is your priority and a good one to have.

Thank you for sitting with me, Armee  :hug:

I totally get that the betrayal was worse than the assault. I am sorry that happened to you, Armee.

Yes, it did teach me that it is what happens. There was a normalcy to it in my life and one I don't think I understood until I got to be much older. SA was a normal fact of my daily life before I was old enough to even know what that meant. It was unfair and explains so much of the rest of my abuse history. It is a painful new fact but certainly gives a more complete picture to my life.

I am grateful there aren't other victims as well. I know if there was any current risk I would care more about making them safe than what I needed so I am glad I can take the space to deal with myself. That is selfish reasoning but is part of the equation in my brain.

Elpha, I'm sitting with you. That gun you pointed at your D, that was a very loud NO which he ignored. I can't get over him pointing it at you to destroy your NO. 

I'm really sorry how many terrible things were done to you. They were monsters who did it to you.

May I be proud of you for how you are coping?

If it's not too much at the wrong time, then gentle, supportive  :hug: 

I am so sorry for what happened to you Elpha
Monsters is the right word.
Sending support and care 

Blueberry, you are definitely allowed to be proud of how I am coping  :hug:  Pulling a gun on my D was the biggest No I think I ever gave. At 8 years old that is an absolutely desperate move. He did destroy that no very quickly. His reaction was one only a monster could have. 

I really appreciate the gentle and supportive  :hug:


Phil, thank you for the support and care. I appreciate all of the validation of my use of the word monsters for the people that hurt me.

Last night was a long one. Therapy was helpful but I ended up having an atrocious flashback right after where instead of the person who the flashback was about being in it my T was. It was a truly awful and scary experience. I haven't had that type of flashback in a long time. I ended up seeing my therapist again that night, because I hadn't calmed down enough to drive (for obvious reasons). It took a while to trust her after that flashback but she sat with me through it for like 3 hours until it finally regulated.


I woke up feeling like I had run a physical and emotional marathon so taking a slower morning and going into work late today. I need the time to get back some energy and on my feet. If I had PTO I probably would not work today at all but I don't after using all of it for Covid a few weeks ago. I know I am capable of working today but the couple of extra hours will help that a lot.

That sounds really really distressing and thank goodness your therapist stayed with you for a few hours to help get you back. I wish you could get some more time today but the couple hours are great.

The couple of hours did help. I then did manage to spill very hot coffee on myself so got dysregulated again. My supervisor who is more like a direct colleague most days, has basically given me permission to hide in my office and read until I have clients today. I had planned on doing some paperwork but I feel more fragile than I thought I was. Being in my office is mostly okay but everything else feels too overwhelming for now. I am trying to assess whether or not I can truly see clients today. I am pretty capable of pushing through and turning things off when I need to. However, I am only human and have my limits.

my dearest el, what a nightmare, both in real life and in your dream. so very sorry you had to go thru all that.  monsters, indeed, preying on an innocent child.  may i amend that word 'selfish'  to self-ish, in that taking the space to care for self instead of caring for others is a boundary you weren't taught and certainly not allowed for your 'self'.  so glad your T stayed w/ you for that time so you could get your feet back under you.

you deserve your boundaries and self-care, especially during this time.  sending much love and a caring hug filled w/ EMS to help buoy you up as you process and grieve.   :bighug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 21, 2022, 06:19:32 PM
so glad your T stayed w/ you for that time so you could get your feet back under you.

:yeahthat: :yeahthat: :yeahthat:

I'm also relieved for you that you get to stay in your office. It sounds like you don't have to be too productive rn :thumbup: for your supervisor. As you say, you are only human.  :hug: :hug:

San, you are very right I deserve to take care of myself and have boundaries while working through all of this. I am grateful my therapist sat with me through it last night. I am not sure how long it would have taken to get my fee back under me without that.

Blueberry, I am very lucky to have the therapist I do who stays for things like that. It was nice for my supervisor to not need me to be productive and to care more about me as a person.


Unfortunately, it is one of those days I feel like I failed a bit as a therapist and let my trauma win this round. I stayed at work for a few hours, and tried to eat lunch with my office door open and even just that made me feel like I was going to cry. It felt like with the door open I could no longer control my environment and everything was too overwhelming so I chose to reschedule the clients I could and cancel the ones I couldn't. I was obviously still too dysregulated from last night and probably mildly stuck in that flashback since I got home and curled up for almost 3 hours. I started that while feeling like a little kid who was hiding from monsters... eventually cried a bit and fell asleep for a little while. Rough day, but I know it takes a lot to recover sometimes. I deserve the space, I just never feel good about taking it when it means not doing my job. Especially at a new job... I work really hard to make sure my trauma doesn't rule my life but today it feels like it did. I know that won't be forever but it is frustrating.

yes, i agree, it is frustrating.  i don't see any failure here, even tho it may feel like it to you.  keep taking care of you first, ok?  love and hugs :hug:

I am glad you don't see any failure in it, San. In theory I know that is true. It just feels like failing today. Falling apart has always felt like failing (yes, obviously trauma connected to that belief) I will keep taking care of myself. Finally eating for the first time in like 9 hours which is progress.  :hug:

I feel like I am coming here more because I am doing truly deep healing work (not that I haven't been but for whatever reason this bit of it has needed more writing time for me).

Anyways, I spent a week ill with some sort of flu, respiratory infection, like thing. It was not a fun time but I am finally on the other side of it (10 days later).  I did not do any therapy or such during that time because I was frickin exhausted and just did not have the capacity.

Last night, I went to my therapist's office for the first time since I had the flashback there two weeks ago. It was nerve wracking when I walked in. Although, I had not even thought about it prior to going. We settled it out and I feel like it won't be a difficulty next week.

I am proud of the work I did last night, which is kind of rare for me. I know I do a lot of truly deep and difficult healing work but I don't normally describe myself as proud of that (I know I probably could but don't). This makes last night notable.  I was able to settle in and work on somatic based emdr focusing on a body sensation that I have avoided processing or even going towards for years. It is one that is tied directly to years of sexual abuse and has previously been one I was afraid or ashamed to go towards. Last night, I and my 8 year old part decided we could name it and start to allow it to process. That is a giant step and we got to the point where we weren't scared of it anymore. I had some pretty strong lightbulb moments as to why it was scary for so long and what it sort of means for some of my life.

As a kid, I connected the body feeling with being "bad, scary, dangerous" meaning that I was "bad, scary, dangerous" because I had it. By the end of session last night, and honestly just part way through, we realized no body sensation is truly  "bad" but the things that happened around it were bad and scary. That the body sensation was often a body memory, or left over feelings/reminders of abuse that was happening every day. AS a kid, of course I connected it to being a part of me that was causing my abuse because I had it as long as I could remember and we were told it was bad or not normal. So I internalized that like I did so many other things. My younger parts now have way more information and understanding of how those feelings happen and that it was never a part of who we were as a person.

I also realized after how many thoughts and connections I can make as far as my clinical knowledge of physical/sexual development and how disruptive the abuse I went through was on those processes. Sort of understanding why little me and even adult me struggles with that right now because of how convoluted my sexual trauma was. I have one of the longest sexual trauma histories I have heard (I know there are likely longer ones but I don't know anyone in my personal or work life that has shared one like mine). Obviously, that caused so much shame and confusion as a kid when trying to go through what would have been normal and healthy sexual development. Now that I am also more aware of the history it has been a difficult piece in my life currently.

I know my relationship with it when I was younger was so messy. For me, I was used and also viewed myself as an object for others sexually before I even knew what that was. I knew it was expected of me and that if I did it would keep other people happy/safe/not angry. It was the way I kept other people happier and kept them from hurting other people. I knew it meant that people stayed, that they showed me care or affection sometimes. I know it meant that people fed me and my siblings, that maybe they didn't throw or hit or yell at anyone else. It was what I was told my body was for. I was convinced because of what I was told, my experiences, the body sensations that I had, etc.. that it was just my role in life and had to happen. That something in me was dangerous and meant life would always be that way. Obviously my relationship with my body and sexuality were never going to grow normally from that.

A couple of years ago, I thought I was ready to truly tackle my sexual trauma but I don't think I was at the time. I think I needed all of the information I have now, all the memories I have gotten back, and even the ones I feel just lurking in the corners of my mind.  I needed the time processing some of the violence, meeting a few more of my younger parts, and just gaining trust for my T that I hadn't realized I needed. Now, I think I am as ready as I could be. That I am able to go towards and not run from it. I can stay present with sensations that I have avoided for years and start to name it. I have dealt so much with the emotional trauma, naming the abuses from some of my family, tackling the physical violence, the parentification, the blame. I worked around the sexual trauma sort of noting it was there but not being ready to dive into that directly. Now, I think I can and am doing that.

i can only say, el, how impressed i am w/ your healing work, your realizations, your acceptance, and your newfound knowledge of how everything in your life has played a part in who (or what) you believed yourself to be, especially for others, and how you are breaking thru now at such a profound level.  i've said it before, but i think it bears repeating - you are an inspiration to all CSA survivors.  what you've gone thru, how you've managed to pull yourself out and thru it, and what you continue to make of your life in spite of your history . . . well, you are amazing.

well done, my dear.  sending love and a hug full of continued support, care, and compassion for all you've gone thru, all you continue to tackle. :hug:

San, your words always mean so much  :hug: My healing work has come a long way over the years and I know it will continue to. I truly am a different person than I was when I first started seeing my current T 5 1/2 years ago, and even more different from the person I was when I first joined this forum like 6 or 7 years ago. It is sometimes hard to remember just how profound my healing is and seeing it reflected back at me helps keep perspective. These really are large breakthroughs and massive progress in my healing. I always hope I can inspire others by being encouraging and honest with my own process. I went through so much and continue to learn more about just how much I experienced to then pull thru and now be a therapist myself. I don't think I see myself as an inspiration for CSA survivors all the time but I know I have been told it and in some ways my story is a good inspiration for others. I have to objectively look at it to see that though  :whistling:

Thank you for all the support, love, compassion, and care  :hug: I am always so grateful for it and know that I could not do all the healing work that I have and continue to do without the support of others.



Side note: I have finally decided on what I want my survivor tattoo to be. I have wanted one for so long but had never figured out what I wanted or felt ready enough for it. I do feel ready for one now and know what it is. I want to get a non-tradition take on a medusa tattoo. I want a black line work of a soft medusa hugging a younger red-riding hood. The medusa will have flowers among the snakes and red will have her cloak of course. It symbolizes so much. Medusa is obviously a SA survivor things, red is a character that I have always loved and identified with different versions of (she ran towards her trauma and gets depicted as resilient, tough, but also young and in need of protecting). Then of course the older to younger is the inner child healing that I do a lot of. Plus the idea of support in the fact that my healing could not be done on my own strength alone. I have needed to allow others to help and for others to be part of showing me caring/kindness in a way that is healing. So it is many things wrapped in but I am convinced that is my next tattoo and the survivor tattoo I want. I have an artist in mind and just need to reach out to see if they feel able to draw and tattoo it for me since I don't have any examples of what that art would be other than what is in my head.

love it!  and love you, too, el.  :hug:

Last week was full of racing thoughts and connection making, both in my personal life and at work. I feel like my brain was working overtime just circling around the new understandings at work and home. I made a lot of connections about myself and things that happened with the knowledge I now have as an adult and a clinician. It was good but exhausting to do so. I also had a lot of that at work, making connections with client's stories, goals, symptoms etc. I am not sure sure what to do about any of it but at least there is something to be worked on.

On the less good side of that, was that I had this deep need to talk to my M and S about the past. A deep desire to know what they know and what they don't. To figure out what the truth in all of it is. I obviously did not do that but it was very tempting at a few points last week. Like I want to know what if anything my S remembers about certain people in our childhood, maybe what my mom knows about them as well. It is more vulnerability that I am ready to have with them because it outs some things I like to keep to myself. At very least it brings up topics no one has talked about in at least 15 years. Even when they were talked about it was brief and often behind closed doors anyways. There are just a lot of questions I want answers to that I cannot get without asking for them. I know asking doesn't mean I will get them either. I also do not want to risk reminding my S of anything that she does not already remember. It is not my place to do that.

Then with M, I know she cares now but also how much does she know or even want to know? She had a lot of issues as a parent but with my adult perspective I know she tried and cared. It did not mean she saved me or even really parented me well, but I ahve come to an understanding and acceptance of why she was where she was when I was a kid. I know what it took to get to that place and I know that she loved me despite not being healthy enough to truly parent me. It does not excuse it or change it but I have a lot more understanding now. She has also grown a lot as a person in the last like 4 years and I trust that I could ahve a conversation with her about some of it. I am not ready to talk about my D or uncle to her and may never be.. but some of the other abusers she is at least vaguely aware of might be an okay topic at some point. She may also already know depending on what conversations she and my S have had. They are a lot closer and have lived in closer proximity for the last year, so it is possible they have previously discussed some of it. Also, totally possible they haven't.

I do not like having all of these unknowns. Those answers feel like they would be helpful in some ways and potentially harmful in others. Like, I know finding out if my S remembers some of the abuse would be helpful and fill in some holes for me.. but also finding out that she remembers much of it could absolutely wreck me for a while. I worked very hard to protect her but as a kid I was obviously not capable of that all the time. So I know she got hurt and remember those clearly but who knows if she does... and if they even coded as traumatic for her since she has lived her life with no notable symptoms (from what she has shared and from what I have seen).

It is all a lot to consider. 5 years ago I would have never entertained the idea of ever talking to either of them about any of it, Now it is an impulse that I had to fight twice last week. One that I want to think through but it harder to not just do sometimes.

this is big stuff, el.  it makes total sense about the confusion of what you might or might not want to say and to whom, how it could all go sideways cuz you don't really know where your M and S are at right now as far as wanting to know, wanting to discuss it with you.  whatever you decide, and when or if, you have my total support.  always with you. love and hugs :hug:

Thank you for validating my confusion and feelings about all of this, San. It is such a complicated set of feelings and circumstances that I am navigating through.  :hug:

Hi E.

It really has to be pretty difficult to navigate. I know that between your natural caring instinct, the protection you feel toward others, and your professional training...you'll find the time and way to ask these questions when it is time.

I know you have to consider so very much when thinking about how to do this. But I hope as you do that you know it is OK to put yourself and your needs first. You do deserve that.

A thought about your sister too since you know she went through stuff...even if she seems OK and seems like she doesn't remember it may be that she needs the validation you can give her to get through this all and heal. It may be that she seems OK but isn't on the inside but doesn't remember enough to be able to heal. Perhaps sometime you'll be able to offer something along the lines of an opening...like "hey sis I know things were tough for both of us growing up and I don't want to force a conversation you aren't ready to have or don't want to have. But I want you to know if you have questions about what happened I am able to talk about that with you, if and when you are ready and I'd be curious what you remember too. At your own pace, or not at all but my door is open." Just a thought.

I know you have skills to figure out the best way to do this. Or not do this. But you deserve to have answers to your questions. And yes those questions will hurt when asked because they are painful things. That is not your fault. You did not do or facilitate those painful things. That's not you. You deserve answers. You deserve to put your needs first.

Hi Elpha,
Just wanted to send you a hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you all for reading and responding  :grouphug:


I am headed home today! I have been out of town at a Play Therapy Conferece since the 17th! It was great but I am homesick and exhausted. Ready to be home and have a day off tomorrow.

Being gone and in about 40 hours of training (plus breaks so like 60 hours and two full travel days...) has meant a lot of the emotional stuff took a backburner and needed to just be dealt with by self-caring and containing. I have a day off tomorrow (after getting home at like 9 or 10pm) and then therapy late tomorrow afternoon. I can feel the emotions brimming that I will need to just be with.

Since I wrote last time, I had a session where I got three more memories about my D that were super big and painful. Then found out I had to have a vaginal ultrasound because a return of symptoms I had before surgery, had a session to cope with the trigger of that dealing with an inner part that got suicidal because of it, then had that ultrasound and dealt with the emotions from that, got normal results despite being in pain, then one day later left for this trip.

Basically, leaving room to cope but not process anything.  :fallingbricks:



TW: Vague mentions of SA and D trauma
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Okay, nothing in detail as always but enough of a reference I wanted to mark it. I have known for less than 6 months that my D sexually abused me. I grew up believing he was emotionally unavailable, verbally angry, but never touched me. So fir like 4 r 5 months I have been learning he was physically and sexually abusive to me. Right before I left, I allowed myself to remember a few more pieces in therapy that confirm chronic sexual abuse since basically I could walk and probably earlier. Loads of grooming and manipulating from him in the earliest parts of my life and then increasingly bold and violent. Obviously painful memories and hard to digest. I had to just take in and accept those with no real time to feel about them.. like we took time in that session but I haven't gotten to truly do anything since. I know I have them.. I know I am angry, hurt, betrayed, sad, devastated etc.. but I have only cried a few tears about it total. I know I need to and probably will as soon as I am in my space and then again with my therapist.


Overall, I think I just understand the full picture more and more and it makes me so sad every time. Like any single piece of my story would be more than enough.. then putting all of it together...  :fallingbricks:

It's more than any human should have to bear, E. I know you wrote before about never having met someone or heard another story with as much bad in it around this stuff and that's a distinction that no one wants. I have nothing i can say other than I hear you, believe you, and right along you wish this weren't true. But that's what you've been through and it is so much. Those tears are there even when they don't come out.

Armee that validation of my words and how much all of this is means a ton  :hug:  My story really is more than any one person should bear. (All of ours are, I don't like to compare too much or to minimize others just because I am reflecting on the extreme level of my own story). You are right when you say the tears are always there even when they are not coming out. Inside those emotions are strong and present even if I haven't yet gotten to express them yet.

 :grouphug:

I did some really good grief work on this on Tuesday, felt helpful although I have a long way to go. I was able to realize and begin to feel through how I feel like my D is robbing me of my family right now, and how I am feeling all that was stolen from me as a kid. A lot of feelings that things are his fault, that he set me up for the abuse I suffered at the hands of others and now gets to have my family while I am kept away from my family.  It is the first time I truly wanted to go back since I left 10 years ago and I have to choose to not go because of him now. I know that those things happened years ago but since I just got those memories back it is like it is all being taken from me now.

Honestly, I thought I would come here and have more to say but I guess that is what I have for now. Grief is a complicated beast but maybe doesn't have a lot of words for now.

It's very hard to put into words.

He did steal all that from you and it isn't fair at all that he has not had to pay for it and gets to keep the good things. He did set you up for all that abuse later whether directly or indirectly. You have the right to tell if and when you want. You are not responsible for the consequences of telling the truth, the person and people who created the truth are responsible. All you need to think about is what is right for you and only you.

I agree that when these memories surface it is like it just happened and that is what I felt too. Like when it all came together and came out...even though the pieces had been there, once I finally accepted and spoke it...it was like it happened yesterday in terms of the grief and the symptoms. The emotions. The numbness. The shock. So treat yourself like you should have been treated as that child right when it happened and seek that treatment out from people in your life capable of treating you with tenderness too.

:grouphug:

Thank you for validating that, Armee. It is tough to find words for it all sometimes but as I was reading your I felt very understood and heard. They all resonate so well.

Right now, I know that telling the truths in spaces that it would bury the people who hurt me is not healthy for me yet. It is tempting for sure, but I don't want to act out of a need for revenge when I know the fall out would be massive and would ultimately hurt me right now. Maybe one day I will want and be ready to, but I know that is not right now. So I am treating myself with gentle care as I navigate all of this.

no doubt, you were robbed of the childhood you deserved.  so sorry, el. :bighug:

So I have not been sure how to come here and give an update about all the things that have happened so I am thinking maybe just one thing at a time in not a ton of detail because it has been a whirlwind. All the while I am keeping up with a nearly full caseload (only like 19 clients but lots of foster and children's division meetings for it).

Anyways, I am having surgery this coming Monday, Again it is an abdominal surgery due to symptoms I had last year coming back with a vengeance.  They are going to take out my gallbladder which I thought was the culprit last year so I am annoyed it took an aditional 10 months to get surgery on this but at least it will be done. I will be out for two weeks starting Monday to recover from this. Then hopefully I can be done with all of this.


I have gotten continued memories of my dad back. Lots of SA and PA that sickens me and reminds me how much was taken from it. It has been hard to get those memories back and to know how awful it was. My family has been a large trigger and the holidays are definitely wrecking my system because of it. I am doing a lot of internal work on these memories and over arching feelings but it is a lot. It takes so much from me to do that work and maintain a regular life. Let alone the health stuff.


Me and my partner have decided we are going to more in together in March! I am excited and terrified all at once. I have multiple months to continue to sort through those and prepare for the exciting but scary step. The last time I wrote here would have been right after our year anniversary. She has been a huge source of support and sanity through all of this.

For fun things, I got tickets to see Taylor Swift (it will be good for all of  my inner children and adult self), I am planning a trip in February.

Less fun, I have gotten covid, the flu, and some sort of stomach bug all within the last few months, It has been rough being sick on and off all the time.


Last night I had a panic attack simply because I had a sudden onset migraine which is brand new for me. I have had migraines but typically have warning signs for them. This came out of the blue and caused a panic attack which then caused a worse migraine. Unfortunately my, mom and grandfather have suffered from chronic migraines that require regular treatment so I am nervous I will grow into those. After this surgery I will get them checked out just so there is a history on my charts for if they do increase. It isn't a huge deal but could become a pain.


Anyways, I feel like there is a lot more but this is the best way I have to sort of put it in condensed form.  :fallingbricks:

It's awful to read of all the roadblocks which have lately emerged for you. Especially considering your already remarkable turnaround from not too far back.

The word en-courage-ment comes to mind as playing a needed role in all of our stories. I think it's significant that courage stands out, in word if not in how you're feeling right now. What I mean comes strictly from observing the many turns you've taken, and how at each one you demonstrated your enormous capacity for courage.

Thank you for how, even in your current desperate pain and anxiety, you've been able to again muster the resolve to see this through. May the surgery go well, and may the coming days brighten.

Gently, I'll offer this --  :bighug:; -- hope it can help you keep finding ways which will carry you on to those brighter days. 

Thank you, Woodsgnome  :hug: I definitely feel like this year has been a lot of big roadblocks with huge recoveries. Like a giant cycle of them. It has been exhausting if I am honest.

Courage is such a great word to reflect on and is one I feel fits all the twists and turns in my journey. I do normally believe I have courage to face so many things and try to keep courage at the center of myself. It is tough but a part that is so important to all stories.

I appreciate the well wishes for surgery and the coming days. It has been a whirlwind and honestly I am excited for some time to just rest after this. If nothing else surgery creates 2 weeks off for me and some needed space to just exist and recover in a lot of ways. Surgery is certainly a physical and emotional trauma in itself but with everything going on it will be nice to have a break from it all. 

After surgery recovery my goal is to just deepen some processing of the new information I have so maybe some of it will settle and start to integrate more. I am really looking for some more peace and rest in my journey if I can get it.

Good luck with surgery and the big move with your partner!!! 19 clients is a lot. I can understand that the 2 week recovery from surgery will be a welcome break. Saying I'm sorry those things happened to you doesn't cut it. I'll be wishing that as you process and integrate these new details and memories that it becomes easier to absorb and to see and appreciate your strength and just goodness and beauty as a human.

Thank you for the well wishes for surgery and the move! Surgery will hopefully go smoothly and be an easy process. I found out I have an inner child part who is very scared of going under and not waking up so that new fear is gonna be a bit tough. I, thankfully, have a lot of experience with surgeries that went well and were helpful in the long run. This will be my fifth surgery total and my 3rd surgery in two years. Hopefully my last for a while too.

The move with my partner will happen in March so I have a few months but we are starting to talk about it and prep for it. We are excited and nervous all at once. Unfortunately her dog bit me around thanksgiving so there are additional nerves related to that. Neither of us expected that to be an issue and it wasn't a bad bite but one that definitely makes us both a little more hesitant of this process.

I appreciate you validating that 19 clients is a lot. The goal is for me to have between 22-25 at any given time. So after the first of the year I will take a few more and hopefully even out at that point.

As far as the trauma, it is kind to hear thins like "I am sorry those things happened" because it sucks that they happened. I sometimes feel like learning this now is almost living it for the first time. My therapist pointed out that when I lived it before that I lived it with the help of tons of defense mechanisms that I no longer have. So in some ways this is harder than it was. Not exactly but it is difficult in a different way. My strength is there but it is difficult to see/feel strong when this stuff hits so hard. I know people tell me how strong I am for surviving and choosing to heal but it is tough to internalize some days. In theory, I know some of my experiences should have killed me but I survived regardless. That takes a lot of innate strength and courage. I know that now.

At this point, part of me wants to fall apart for a bit and the other part of me wants desperately to hold it all together.

I hope it's okay to add this little quote I ran into the other day -- it's from Greek poet Dinos Christianapouls. He wrote:

"They tried to bury us, but they didn't know we were seeds."

Hope your seeding of the new you goes well and grows strong and beautiful.

I love the quote, WoodsGnome.

E...that's how I have felt too remembering things now...having access to things I didn't know before....it doesn't matter that they happened a long time ago. It does feel like they are happening right now like it just happened. It's a very tough space to be in because people think it's the past but it's not really. Even my T didn't get it. If it helps to write any of it here I can read it. I know it's really bad, what happened. I am so sorry. I hope the surgery recovery gives you a chance to break down a little bit if that's helpful.

hey, el, will be thinking of you mon. for your surgery.  i sure hope it corrects all the problems for good.

survivor, courage, strength, determined - all these and more are part of our makeup, going after this beast and reducing it as much as possible.  you've got it all, and i'm glad you're able to begin to recognize it for yourself.

so very sorry about your childhood, your memories.  i totally get the idea of having to relive it, only it seems worse now.  it totally sucks.  sending love and a hug full of soothing comfort.  EMS is there if you need her. :hug:

Thank you all for all of the kind words and reflections. I don't truly have the energy this morning to respond individually but each of them means so much  :hug:

I am feeling a little more prepared today than I did on Friday. I had a good session with my therapist and feel like I got more settled. Surgery is tomorrow and my main focus is just on rest and recovery for a bit.  It should be a lot simpler than my last surgery and an easier recovery. I am always a bit nervous going under anesthesia because there are always small risks but I know this should make my body feel better in the long run. My partner will be there tomorrow and I have a great team of doctors, so all should be okay.

Just a small update to say that surgery went as planned. I am home focusing on rest and recovery. Thankfully pain levels are well managed with medication so I can get sleep and rest today.

 :thumbup: Really glad to hear that Elpha! Good wishes for sleep and continued recovery from your op.  :hug:

Thanks BlueBerry  :hug:

I ate real food and had coffee today which is a great sign for me recovering well. The doctors gave me a 50/50 chance of my body adapting quickly versus not to having my gallbladder gone. Here's hoping these initial signs are good indicators  :cheer:

Elpha, I'm glad that your surgery went as planned. Take care of yourself and don't overdo it. My care to your Littles also, as I know this is scary for some of them.

Thank you, Not Alone  :hug: I have been gentle and thankfully mt littles have had an easier time after this surgery. I know medical stuff normally scares them and it definitely did before hand but I am glad to say there has been less fear and anxiety afterwards.


For now, I am both enjoying and bored by all the rest time. I know I need it but it is a little tough to just soak in the rest sometimes. It is freezing here today so even if I hadn't had surgery this would be a solid day off. So for now, I rest and will continue to just give my body the space and time it needs to feel better. The biggest thing is that eating is tough (well the after effect of eating). Taking out organs related to digestion can definitely make things a little different. I know my body will adapt but for now it is a little frustrating and like an experiment every time.

so glad the surgery went well, el.  that's the best.  i know recovery can be boring, but i'm glad you're doing it anyway.  well done!  :thumbup:

one more thing you've gotten thru and it sounds like it's been a little smoother this time.  yay!  keep up the good work - in my book, you are doing great.  sending love and a gentle hug (i don't want to squish you) full of healing.  :hug:

I'm glad the surgery went pretty well E and hope that your whole system relatively easily adjusts to the changes in your body.

Since it's the holidays here and my family always hosts all the big gatherings, even though I just want to lay in bed and fall apart, could you sneak in 2 hours of rest on my behalf?  ;D

Surgery recovery has continued to do well and I am pretty well back to my normal self. I still notice that I slow down faster but not massively so. I am planning to return to work on Tuesday which I am both glad for and not. Breaks are always a bit boring to me but also refreshing.

Christmas went better than expected. Seeing my F, even if virtually, was difficult for a lot of my inner littles who are coming to terms with the memories we now have in our conscious mind. I did do better than expected though. I got to enjoy some of it and then breathe before going to my partner's family Christmas. That family is always delightful and kind to me which made for a good evening.

Trauma wise, things are as convoluted as ever but I am managing to allow grief to come in waves the best I can. It's a challenge at times but worth it in the long run to allow myself to have that. I am not sure I have words for it today but at least coming here for an update is a little bit of something.

Dear Elpha,
I am so glad to hear that your surgery was successful, and you're recuperating well.  That is great news.   :hug:

Wishing you the best for 2023, and hope that you're ok when you return to work on Tuesday - I feel sure you'll pace yourself well - and I hope that you enjoy the remaining break till then.

Hope  :)

So it has been almost 4 months since I last posted. I cannot even begin to truly capture all that has occurred in that time so I will do my best to write what I have been thinking about coming here for. I have thought about writing about it all for a week or two but just found myself not ready or overwhelmed etc.

Brief updates:
- I did recover from surgery and have mostly felt a lot better physically
- I had a birthday recently!
- My partner moved in with me right before that birthday
- I bought a new car!!
- I passed my clinical licensure exam (so I will be an LCSW come the end of May)
- My therapist announced she is leaving at the end of May (coming oh so soon)
- I stepped back from my volunteer work (not fully just less) in order to better have balance in my life


Those are the quick more positive and over all life updates. A lot of that has happened in the last like 3 weeks and has felt like a whirlwind.


Now for the trauma survivor parts of me..  :fallingbricks:

I have continued to get more memories of abuse from my dad and want more and more to have some justice or for him to just die (yes, there is an inner child or two that feels that would be easier). It has sent me for a tail spin at times because it effects all of my relationships, especially with my FOO. I had been healing the relationship with my mom and growing it with my siblings.. however, this has made me reassess my feelings about my mom because she was present and didn't protect but also didn't know. It has made all of the progress feel sour and challenging. I am still talking to her and my siblings but I am actively avoiding any video chat or such because I cannot face my dad. I am not sure if I would freeze, or yell, or just spill all of the secrets because he doesn't deserve my protection or silence.The memories that have come back are all generally SA related or pieces of interactions between my mom and dad that allude to other dynamics. I find it challenging to continue to learn more but also feel like I am not digging for memories, they are just happening.

All of that said, there is so much good happening. I have had a rough couple of weeks since my birthday but I know all of this would have made me non-functional even a year or two ago. Wehreas I am working full time with clients, growing as a clinician, still being social in my life, and finding time for myself. I don't feel like I am overworking to avoid (although, I have caught myself an afternoon or two doing that). For the most part, I am finding balance even when it feels impossible. Thankfully it feels possible more often than not.

Not sure what else I wanted to come here and talk about. I gues that as I hit my 2 year mark as a therapist, that I can't imagine having chosen a different profession. It suits me so well and I grow in some way every day. MY clients (no matter the age) are resilient and wise at the core and I am always in awe.

Oh, I decided on my survivor tattoo. I finally scheduled it for a couple months from now with an artist that does amazing work. It finally feels right to get the survivor tattoo as part of my own journey.

Always good to hear from you. It's been quite a trek and I recall all your fears about it; and your willingness to share parts on here.

And did I read right? A survivor's tattoo? What a great touch  :blink: :applause:.

Here's to further good vibes ahead  :grouphug:

So glad that it is good when I come here to post. It is good to hear form you as well, Woodsgnome.

You did! I am getting it on June 6th. It is going to be a custom piece drawn for me due to me having a vision in my head of what I want/need for it.

Nice to see you again, Elphanigh  :)

I relate to wanting justice/wanting an abusive parent to die.  Those are difficult feelings to navigate.

congrats on your licensure, el!  well done!!!  :cheer:

i want my ex dead, too, so i understand that particular feeling.  i wish you didn't have any opportunities to have to interact w/ your dad.  i think the piece you mentioned about your mom is interesting as well.  enablers.  nuff said.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you both! It is good to come here, even if only ever few months.


San, I am so stoekd for my licensure! It technically doesn't change over until the last week of May (finishing up the 24 months) but I have everything done for it! No more hoops, just waiting for time to pass.

Also glad you get the feeling of wanting someone dead. My dad, I only ever interact with virtually (Although, outside of him texting me on my birthday I haven't interacted with him in a month or two). It just makes it hard to be able to video chat with my sister and niece which I miss.. Plus I can't see my grandparents in person and I want to do so before they get too much older.


To put a whole wrench in all of this... my therapist let it slip yesterday that I have OSDD. I know she is right, and she thought we had talked about it but we definitely had not. I know we had talked about me being a little closer on the dissociative spectrum to DID than I was to like normal dissociation but we had not talked about diagnoses stuff. It hit hard a few hours after my session because it made me feel broken, screwed up, different, and unfixable... Like the PTSD sure or even CPTSD would not have gotten to me at all. Something about dissociative disorders is harder and made me have to switch how I see my brain and how it functions. I know it doesn't actually matter and the stigma around those disorders is not at all warranted but it is coming in waves of grief.

Maybe knowing that I went through so many versions of * to need that level of dissociation and having to really accept the level of amnesia I had/have when it regards my past (I don't generally get any present day). Who knows, but it just felt like a lot emotionally.

wrapping you up in a cozy blanket, my dear el, drink of your choice, fluffy pillows to cuddle (or throw, if that needs doing!), offering a virtual ear or shoulder, whichever suits.  these realizations can really rock our world.  yeah, trauma.  love and hugs :hug:

Congrats on the licensure, E. That's really fantastic and I am so glad this career is a great fit and that you can take this pain and horror and turn it into something that helps others and is rewarding for you.

I get it, E. I'm going through the same here with trying to figure out where i fall on the spectrum, knowing it is something more than OSDD, but not quite 100% DID either (I don't have the full blown amnesia between parts, like I don't find things I don't remember buying, but I do things like start cooking and forget and forget conversations that have triggered me into other parts). It is upsetting for all the reasons you said. But San and others have reminded me the past week that it only means my brain had to come up with a few extra protective mechanisms and it does not change that I am still a kind person. Same for you. It doesn't change who you are, it just is a sign you had to bear more than is bearable for a child. And you succeeded in bearing it by dissociating. I am not crazy and you are not crazy and others on here with DID or OSDD are not crazy. We were traumatized and survived.  :grouphug:

By the way I really love the information on the website Dis-SOS. It's pretty scientific and has fantastic tools for dealing with dissociation.

San, thank you for sending all the comfort and love. It means a lot. Always grateful to have a virtual shoulder and ear  :hug: This realization definitely rocked me some but I know it will pass.


Armee, so good to hear from you always. I am grateful to have found a career I enjoy and can utilize the parts that have grown from all the pain in a positive way.

I appreciate all the perspective on osdd. It is still super new to me (despite knowing the dsm specifics). I find myself sort of looking for the ways it plays out in my day to day. I don't have a lot of day ro day amnesia, although a bit with like tv shows or being able to just shut off emotions/physical pain. My parts work has always been very vivid and I definitely have some strong split parts of self but no one that truly acts on their own externally. However, we have found a lot of amnesia related to past trauma. Like whole abusers and months I don't remember kind of things. It has been one * of a trip.

It is comforting and reassuring to me reminded that it doesn't make me broken or any different a person than I was. My brain had so much to contend with as a child I can only really imagine I survived because I could dissociate.

I will look at that website as well! Thank you  :hug:

Hello Elpha,
Just want to let you know I read your recent posts and I hear you.  :hug:

Thank you Blueberry  :hug: It is great to hear from you.


I got to do some normal human things and get some good connections with people over the weekend. It helped to feel more like myself and get out of my head some. I am still definitely struggling with it a bit. Feeling less intensely but still pretty concerned about it. I think it just makes me feel more broken and unfixable, after finally getting myself to a point where I didn't feel that way for the first time in a while. I know it will pass but I look forward to talking to my therapist more about it later this week. Really wish it was sooner rather than later but I know I can't rush that. I also know it has gotten better over time.  It makes me self conscious of how my brain works and how I exist in the outside world in a way that I haven't had in quite a while. I used to get that as a kid or even younger adult when I know my brain worked differently than everyone else I know (I was/am hyper-intelligent, with pattern recognition, and such that no one else could ever truly connect with). It made me feel different or like an outsider at times.. but I for the most part got over that and did find people whose brains worked similarly. Although, I still often find people telling me the way my brain works and how fast it works is fascinating (but it has mostly not bothered me). So being told I have osdd made me go back to questioning how my brain functions, how I show up in the world, and how much people around me maybe make concessions I don't know about. I don't love feeling the need to really pay attention to how I am showing up and be made to question my brain being not normal again. It is tough and uncomfy to say the least.

I am trying to be kind and realize that my brain has always functioned this way and that knowing a little more does not change that. It is hard to not be examining all the things I do and question my validity in the field etc...

Yes, all that for sure. But what I know about dissociative disorders including OSDD is that it is such a strong protective mechanism that we hide it from ourselves and others very very well. So I would be willing to guess that outside of trauma symptoms, no one would have any idea there's this internal split in you. I bet you've hidden it quite well because us with trauma we are trying to get through the day without being triggered, we are not looking for attention to be drawn to our symptoms. It will take time to heal the divisions in your brain that make it hard to experience life in a more whole way. Me, too.

Thank you for that reassurance, Armee.  :hug:

I have hidden my symptoms and trauma from the world as long as I can remember. You are probably right no one else would actively see the split inside unless I allowed them to. As far as it taking time to heal the divisions in my brain, I imagine it will take time. I think I fear that it will mean that I can't heal it or fix it, I guess. My perception of it feels very permanent right now. I imagine that isn't 100% accurate and is just what my brain is sort of struggling with emotionally

Quote from: Armee on April 24, 2023, 09:14:54 PM
But what I know about dissociative disorders including OSDD is that it is such a strong protective mechanism that we hide it from ourselves and others very very well. So I would be willing to guess that outside of trauma symptoms, no one would have any idea there's this internal split in you. I bet you've hidden it quite well because us with trauma we are trying to get through the day without being triggered, we are not looking for attention to be drawn to our symptoms.

:yeahthat: 

You haven't changed in any way, Elpha, except for all the progress you're making - :applause: :applause: :applause: - so I'm sure nobody you don't tell has any idea! I was diagnosed with OSDD last year while inpatient. I figured everybody with cptsd is somewhere on the dissociative spectrum, but maybe that's not the case.

Thank you, Blueberry  :hug: It helps to not feel alone and to be reassured that it doesn't mean I have changed or show up in the world any differently. I do think that most people with CPTSD are somewhere on the dissociative spectrum but it felt really big to be told I was farther on that spectrum than I was completely aware of. I think parts of me have a hard time with labels that feel like they make me any less than "normal". I know that is a part of myself that really tries to keep up appearances and prove myself to be what everyone needs me to be. I try not to listen to that part too much but it definitely got triggered up.

I am pretty exhausted from it all because I have been fighting my own brain since Friday. Hopefully, I can find a better sense of homeostasis soon.

el, i think fighting our brains is one of the most exhausting battles we can get into.  here's hoping you win that fight as soon as you can.

keeping up appearances - that's a tough one to break.  it took me to the edge at one time, but it's better now.  it's still amazing to me how much of a hold those old messages can have on us.  best to you w/ all this, my dear.  love and hugs :hug:

These are all the same things I've been struggling to come to grips with recently, too, Elphanigh. I couldn't imagine telling my husband or anyone other than here. I've been pretty harsh about it with myself, but have an easier time reassuring you.

You are normal. Having a complex dissociative mechanism in your brain is what allowed you to survive atrocities that would completely undo anyone who did not have the capacities to dissociate in the complex ways your brain has developed to compartmentalize everything in such a thorough way. This is what allows you to be normal. You are normal. You have taken things that could not be faced and put them away until you had the capacity and tools and safety to deal with them. That is all. It's a lot. But it's not more than that. Ok?  :hug:

If it helps, I believe I am likely on the DID end of the spectrum but cannot face an actual diagnosis and it's a bit of a gray area I think. But I have been quite freaked out. But I'm a scientist and it helps me to think about it not like I have alters or different personalities or people, but from more a neuroscience perspective. Like there are different pockets of neurons that fire together and hold certain memories and feelings and ways of being. There are lots of these discrete islands of neurons. Some have connections between them and can fire together. Others have been walled off and don't have neural connections to other parts of my brain. Sometimes something in the environment triggers me into one of those walled off pockets of neurons. Healing I think comes from building up these connections between the walled up places but it takes time and when we dissociate it blocks us from going there  and we need to build up that tolerance as we build the neural connections. I'm looking forward to feeling more whole and finally getting to be my whole self.

It's a lot and feels crazy but it's not. It's really just neuroscience and trauma and survival.  :grouphug:

Thank you both  :grouphug:

San, you are right about fighting our brains being exhausting. I have found that I don't necessarily 'win' in those fights. It feels more like coming to some understanding, compassion, and shifting. It sometimes takes more time than others to get to a place where I can release the need to fight it to get to that place. I am hopeful I can get to a place where I am not fighting it soon. I know I have a choice in that but it is always easier said than done.



Armee, that was all beautifully put. I think trying to really recognize it as a survival mechanism and understand the neurological basis for it will help. I logically know those things, I studied and teach those things but it is hard. I do need to remember that though. It is how I survived all of the horrific parts of my childhood. Without it, I would not have survived at all. I think one day I will come to accept or at least have some compassion for this. I am excited to see my therapist on Friday and work through it. I think today is the first day where I feel like there is any chance it will shift. Before today it felt very much like there was no room for movement or other perspectives.