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thanks all

so relieved to be a part of this community

hard to tell. losing reality between whats real and what isnt.

or maybe theyre not delusions at all and its instinct. maybe i really am f#$@! nutty and everyone talks about, dismisses, mocks, finds me pathetic and are plotting against me, most likely in groups. to get me. i cant tell if somebody is joking or not. i dunno how to take anyone, and in constant freeze mode

how do you manage when your mind is hijacked over and over? its relentless, persistent, twisted and tiring.

makes me feel crazy sometimes .. i am afraid of everything and everyone. i believe everyone is plotting against, and deceiving me.

i gotta good man, whom i adore and dream of sharing a lifetime with, but im in constant fear of being rejected, abandoned or deceived, when he's been nothing but supportive and patient.

i shred whats said to me to bits and re-wire it all into a bizarre story of toxicity.

sometimes i feel like things arent even real, like im not really apart of any moment

This sounds like you may be experiencing something called derealization, or depersonalization -

Derealization - This is one of a number of symptoms of CPTSD and is a form of dissociation in which a person feels as though the world around them is not real, that they are in a dreamlike state and detached from their feelings. This maladaptive strategy is used when CPTSD sufferers face overwhelming trauma they cannot escape (as in childhood abuse).

Depersonalization – This is one of a number of symptoms of CPTSD and is a form of dissociation in which a person feels as though they are not real, that they are disconnected from themselves, and are somewhat distant or detached from what is happening to them. This maladaptive strategy is used when CPTSD sufferers face overwhelming trauma they cannot escape (as in childhood abuse).

We have a glossary section here (http://www.outofthestorm.website/cptsd-glossary/) If you (or anyone) has suggestions for additions to the glossary, let a moderator know.

Congrats on your 4 month sobriety! I've turned off my feelings my whole life, with a substance or behavior or whatever, and only in the last 8 or 9 months have begun to face them. It hurts, for sure, but I'm tired of running. Running just makes me tired but doesn't solve anything. I have to remind myself sometimes that I'm now an adult with resources I never had as a child, and not reliant on anyone for survival but myself. I matter, and I'm worth taking care of. And so are you.

thank you for taking the time to read and reply, this is something ive done off/on since my teens as well. 40+ now. im doing the best i can with what i have.

sorry i dont know where to post this. im losing my mind, been posting lots im sorry.
im so withdrawn, dont want to be bothered with anyone, been going on off/on all my life but these last couple months its been terrible. i dont even answer when my son calls. sometimes i feel like things arent even real, like im not really apart of any moment. all i want to do is dull my senses, as quickly and efficiently as i can. ive spent the last couple decades drunk and using hard drugs, been clean nearly 4 months. i do smoke cannabis and as of lately im starting to abuse my night time meds.
im so lost.

the memories are getting the best of me lately, i cant stand it and dont know how to really get through them without zoning out and isolating myself, which is not enough. im taking bedtime sedatives during the day to help numb, why this sudden rush of flashbacks, i cant take it. i cannot let myself cry and my focus is more on keeping it in than anything else, but ive such rage building up inside me.
im experiencing psychosis (delusions) more than half of my waking hours, feel like im losing my mind.

therein lies your worth, your beauty, and your value - sharing with others about your own pain, confusion, exhaustion, and every other thing about your wounded being lets us know that we're not the only ones who go through this, who think we're worthless, who don't see any point in going on.  therein also lies your strength, fortitude, and bravery - to reach out in your vulnerability which encourages others who are hurting to do the same.

you help provide a voice to this community which is needed and important.  we all struggle here, we all reach a point where we question exactly that - what's the point?  i'm so glad you're here, even while embraced by pain.  i hope you can find the help and support i've found from the wondrously kind and caring people here.  they've helped me continue moving even when i was ready to come to a complete standstill.  thank you for posting, soulflower.  i hope to hear more from you.

just knowing there are others is ... i dont have a word, but comforting in a strange kind of way. your reply hit hard hope we all find some calm here

I would like to add to Three Roses; here you will also find while no two experiences are the same, we often share similar feelings.  I promise you that you are not the only one who struggles with a haunting past that won't seem to let go.  There is so much confusion to fuel it all as well.  It's hard to love and hate a person at the same time.  Some of us blame the only person we ever felt safe blaming, ourselves.  I believe with hard work I can overcome that.  I don't believe it all the time, but enough to keep me going right now.  I would never tell another person that they are dirty, worthless, it was their fault, so I can see the logic in that it wasn't my fault.  I just feel like I am different from other people, I am working on believing that I am no different.

Stick around for a bit and you can join us in trying to do the hard work of recovery.  It does help me to  know that I am not alone.  I for one (and not the only one) would value your thoughts, feelings, and perspective.

so thankful ive found this forum, thank you

No, you don't sound pathetic. You are wounded. There's a gaping wound left behind from your experiences. But, here you will not hear, "think positive", or "It's in the past," or "just forgive them and it will all be better." Because not one of us believe any of those statements.

Here in this forum you will be listened to, respected, encouraged, validated. I can't guarantee this but I think you will find strength here, strength to go on. We're happy you are here!

i bring nothing to the table, ive nothing to contribute. im broken and useless. tired of watching and trying to read people so i know how i can behave or act or if i can speak, tired of feeling everyone is plotting against me. i dont blame anyone for not loving me, i dont love me either. i sound pathetic.

You bring your own unique insights to the table, you bring a fresh perspective. You're wounded but not broken, and you matter. You are not useless.

Take your time, move at your own pace here. We care, we are here for you.

thank you for the support, im going to try and stick around, take (and give) what i can

I've tried replying to this post a few times but it's been difficult for me because I'm smack dab in the middle of distrust/jealousy *.

I can tell myself that my partner is completely reliable and trustworthy, and that the panic attacks I get when I feel unsure of where he is or who he is with are just parts of this damn disorder. And oh, there's the fact that the abuser who put me in this CPTSD-situation constantly made me question my judgment.

So it's a catch 22 -- I'm trying to learn to trust my own judgment and my own instincts again after being told (and telling myself) for 20 years that "you're just crazy if you believe any of what you're thinking" and... well, it's hard when you actually feel like what you're feeling and thinking is irrational and crazy. And then you don't know if it's the old gas lighting talking again or if you actually are picking up on something that's "off."

And then there's the part where you want to have an honest relationship but where you on the other hand feel so crazy for being jealous and distrusting that you worry that you may cause a breakup of your relationship by voicing your feelings (which you're just learning to give voice to).

I swear there are days I feel like recovery ought to happen on a deserted island where I can't hurt anyone else in the process.

my apologies for diggin up an old threat, but this is exactly what im going through right now, as well as delusions and feeling everyone is plotting against me i am so afraid of whats going on in my head, its making me consider a way out of this life.

i feel like im losing my mind. 
7+ months ago i was in a serious car accident, long story short seems it's rattled my brain and ive been diagnosed with CPTSD, DID and now, psychosis i feel like a nut, feel very alone and shame/disgust seem to consume me.
a couple centuries of being reckless, hyper vigilant, toxic relationships, black out drunk, sticking needles in my arms/feet, alternating with avoidance, isolation, panic attacks, self hatred, etc.
i cannot accept i came from a family of incest. i just cant believe it. and why does it even matter now, ive grown children of my own? it was so long ago. the memories/flashbacks WILL NOT LEAVE ME ALONE, i feel dirty, stupid, worthless. im driving my boyfriend crazy i think. i see how he looks at me and ive all these plots in my head that just wont stop i am afraid, never been this afraid before and i just want the pain to stop. no one understands, theres no one to talk to, all i get it 'think positive' and i try so hard to THINK POSITIVE, tell myself im ok, things will be ok, theyll get better and so on. my mothers reply was 'it wasnt your fault, move on, forgive, he wasnt right in the head'. so why cant i? i loved him, i still do. he passed a little over a year ago, but i know he was sick. maybe he couldnt help it. i am so tired and really feel the only way to end all this foolish suffering and pain is to leave the world. i bring nothing to the table, ive nothing to contribute. im broken and useless. tired of watching and trying to read people so i know how i can behave or act or if i can speak, tired of feeling everyone is plotting against me. i dont blame anyone for not loving me, i dont love me either. i sound pathetic.