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Thank you Woodsgnome.  Bessel van der Kolk is one of my heroes.

 

I agree with woodsgnome and would add that it is acceptable to interview your potential psychiatrist some concerning what they know about C-PTSD or what you want them to focus on.  It's more important for a T to know but relevant I think.  I reference Pete Walker a lot and he recommends in his book on C-PTSD that it's appropriate to ask if they have done their own work in therapy.  This person sounds like a good, thorough psychiatrist from your description but keep in mind that it's your health.  I used to look at therapists/psychiatrists as such authority figures that I spent way too much time with some very poor, unequipped "professionals".  My current therapist and nurse/practitioner are great and both have done childhood trauma work.  I'm not saying that it is a prerequisite but it certainly helps and brings a measure of trust.  I hope it goes well!

Bessel van der Kolk writes about the omission of C-PTSD in the DSM-5 in The Body Keeps Score.  There is a recording, video I think, of a talk he gave called Trauma and the DSM-5 on the Pesi website.  It sounds like he has been trying to get it in there for years.

I just found the porch and it made me cry.  Its just such a beautiful creation and feels true to my healing process.  I've been thinking of constructing a safe place in my mind for my inner child after all the grief work we have been doing.   Thank you, and everyone else, for building and adding to a perfect haven.  I'm in.  Right now my kid is sitting on soft pillows against the house wrapped in a blanket, feeling safe and looking at the ocean.  He's still very shy and careful but he will bring something special to the porch soon.   

Also, it sort of reminds me of my favorite childhood book, Andrew Henry's Meadow by Doris Burn (written in 1965).  It's a beautifully drawn story about a boy and his friends that leave their town and build their dream houses (tree house with wrap around porch, underground house, river house, circus house, etc.)  I read that book until it fell apart.  I would stare at the pages for hours at the homes that Andrew Henry built for those kids and wished so much that I could be one of them and have a house and real family of my own.  The ending is hopeful and happy and makes me morn for what I never got.  This has moved me more than anything I've found so far.  Thank you so much.  I needed this today.

Thank you both for your comments.  It's so reassuring to be heard.   

Awesome Pete!  I'm going to purchase it right away for my kindle.  I am such a huge fan of the Tao of Fully Feeling and Complex PTSD, they have enhanced my recovery more than I can ever say.  Thank you so much for your work!

Thank you all for the comments about this great book.  I have the audible version and have listened to it 3 times through.  I have a long work commute and it's been great.  The mix of research, experience, knowledge, honesty, insight to ineffective C-PTSD treatment, compassion and effective C-PTSD recovery methods make this a keystone book for me.  So much of it rings true for me.  I read (and listen) to a lot of trauma recovery literature and this is one I will keep coming back to for some time.

I had a few experiences like that when I was around 7-9 yo.  One I clearly remember was floating above the bed and I couldn't move my body.  I tried to wake myself up but I stayed floating.  It scared me so much that I shut my eyes tightly and tried to move even a finger but couldn't like I had sleep paralysis.  I finally moved and I was suddenly on the bed.  The room felt weird and I thought I was dead and maybe a ghost and was very scared the rest of the night.  I assume it was a very lucid dream or depersonalization but it feels so real to this day.   

The weirdest night time thing was during a time when things were really bad one night with my parents screaming and I knew it was about to escalate.  I was sobbing quietly in my room, face down, under the covers.  I sensed someone was in the room and looked up and a boy was sitting at the end of my bed with this strange hat, kind of floppy and old-style looking, just sadly smiling at me.  This scared me worse and I stuck my head under the covers.  When I had the courage to look again he was gone.  The weird thing was that my parents had just stopped their screaming and it didn't continue that night, which was rare.  I have always remembered that and I can vividly see the kids face in my head today.  I'm not sure if it was disassociation or my mind or a ghost.  I know I was definitely awake during that one.

Oops, I forgot to put the "er" at the end.  Should I not have a sense of humor about your personality?  Flying toward anything that will give you relief even if you know it will burn you, and those in your path, again and again.  I know that flight pattern, you have taught me well.  As a child I could do nothing but fly to you, desperately, in loops and jerks and dives, hoping that the fire would be warm, even just once, and not scathing and impossibly hot. No more.  Not your flame.  I see it and have left it to burn only you.  I'm not flying out and around anymore.  I'm flying inward to find what you were so scared to let free.  I'm the one breaking the cycle of cowardice and violence.  I'm not bringing you with me but I'm not forcing a mirror in your face either.  This letter will not find you, nor these words.  I don't need vengeance or rage to get through my pain.  I don't need to be a hot flame to anyone else and project my pain.  I am learning to just be a light.  I know you will never know this boy/man.   This makes me sad but no longer guilty.

Your Sun

I can relate, particularly with work performance appraisals.  I've always dreaded them and over focus on the negative.  I've had to continually remind myself to keep doing the work in therapy even when it doesn't look like, or feel like, I'm making progress.  My T keeps telling me that the process will be slow and I tend to focus on whether others think I have progressed (I hate it when she says that).  She wants me to trust my process.  I try but still feel shame and break down sometimes.  I often feel shame when my inner critic piles on any personal criticism whether it's true or not.  I sometimes feel better when I remember the fact that I'm undoing generations of dysfunction and trauma.  We are doing brave work my friend.  I'm so glad I'm not alone and I'm inspired I'm not the only one doing it.

Blueberry:

Thank you for posting your letter.  I relate.  I have some of this work to do myself and it helps so much to see this brave work. 

Hello All:

My first post as I found this site not too long ago.  I'll introduce soon and love the identification, hope and healing I've found here.  I want to process my first real verbal communication from my inner child and welcome comments and experience.  If this is long I apologize.  Very brief background - Me:  male adult child of trauma, narc mother, alcoholic father, C-PTSD for sure, 8 years of 12-step, 2 years of therapy and group therapy.  Group therapy is awesome with a lot of experiential work.  Me and 5 women.

I've been doing a lot of primal grieving in group - tantrum to grief, anger work, shin cycle (breathing to grief), fully emoting, etc.  This work has been helpful slightly reducing and taking some of the wind out of emotional flashbacks.  I've tried some contact with my inner child on my own through non-dominant hand writing and meditation but haven't connected much except for some one or two word answers to written questions.  I've tried a gestalt with inner child in group a year ago and it didn't feel like a strong connection and I think I disassociated. 

What happened:  I went to Group Therapy the other night planning to do anger work (using a tennis racket to hit a mat while emoting).  I watched two of my group members do a psycho-drama first with them playing their child and therapist playing adult "them" or the healthy parent they never had.  While watching I started feeling the "inner balloon of ache" in my stomach.  I'm starting to recognize that feeling as my inner child trying to tell me something.  He wanted to say something and he felt safe trying it in the psycho-drama format.  When it came time for me to do my work, we set up two chairs facing each other.  I was in one playing my inner child (the one that wanted to speak) and in the other my therapist playing my adult.  As soon as I sat down I felt like something "dropped" into my body.  This is significant as I don't have very good body awareness.  My shoulders shrunk, I felt small, my arms and head felt very heavy.  Also, the skin on my arms tingled and hurt slightly.  My fingers on each hand touched lightly in a submissive way.  I felt it in my body which was new.  I won't process the whole conversation to limit the post and will just list the two most interesting of the things he said to me (therapist)

"You never listen to me.  You get scared and check-out and leave me to talk.  Everyone thinks I'm stupid and hates me and doesn't want to be around"  Feelings:  chest aching, body heavy  Posture:  Head down looking up at therapist, glancing down a lot.  I process this as my disassociation around authority figures or triggering people.  I monolog or get nervous or sometimes intense.  This is a good awareness I think but scares me too.  I know I disassociate but I never thought to deeply about the fact that I leave my kid driving the bus!

"You're stupid and I don't like how you think your so smart.  Stop trying to know stuff.  I never do anything fun. You're stupid and boring"
I think this is his response to my compulsive research on my condition and recovery work.  He wants me to start having fun.  The thing is, I haven't since I can remember.  I'm grateful for the message though.

He didn't say much else.  In fact he refused to answer a lot of questions.  That's enough for now.  I would appreciate to hear about any experiences concerning early contact with an inner child that doesn't trust you.  Thanks for letting me go on about this. 

Sven