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Thank you all for your warm welcomes.  very cool.  I will just try to find where I feel I fit in and try to stick to the guidelines. I will try to pick a shorter name. lol.

Blancalap, I am open to looking at books, yes.  Thank you.

Thank you!

[So splitting childhood and adulthood, as it says in the intro. I'm not sure how that will work]

Trigger Warning:  vague reference to others suicides

I have known I have severe CPTSD for a few years now. "My therapist said so."  She looked right in my eyes and said, "You have severe CPTSD."  She also said I have one of the worst stories she has ever heard.  I still don't understand this.  Apparently, I had a traumatic childhood and adulthood.  So splitting childhood and adulthood, as it says in the intro.  I'm not sure how that will work. My stories involve others suicides, but, the intro says not to mention that, except in the threads for that.  But, suicidal people trigger me and I am not suicidal. Maybe there is a thread for survivors of people who suicided? My local support group has been SOS. Survivors of...

  I had gone to an intensive workshop at a trauma center a few years back.  One of the men who had been to years of treatment and groups shook his head and was in disbelief at the end of hearing my story "activity."  He said, "How are you so normal? I don't get it. I never would have believed on Monday that you could have such a horrible story. I have been to these places across the country, hearing hundreds of stories. Yours is the worst."  I am confused why people say this.  I know it's not the worst story.  I see worse stories in the news. I say this because, while it's validating, it is confusing, and it makes me afraid to speak my truth.  I don't want to upset anyone. So, the confusion and hesitation to speak, and the lack of awareness of how I "fit" in to life has been part of my story.  Can I ever fit in? Do I horrify people?  Am I in denial? Is this just going to be happening again and again forever?  Is my life "supposed" to be tragic?  Am I being led to be a suicide counselor? Am I just too care-taking? How can I stop?  I ache for all the other people suffering in the world.  I try to do a good deed everyday, to make someone's day better.  I try to make my days better.  I don't have the worst story, and I think I can overcome this, but, I realize, it's "bad enough" that I need help.  So, I am back, heading into psychology stuff again, a therapist, and since there is no local group I have found, I will try here. 

I have done a lot of self-work, for about five years, but, took a break to try to just live life.   I am feeling hopeful about finding this forum, grateful you all are here.  My story, is many stories, it's long.  Should I tell it in sections in this thread? I want to note that I am not a veteran and my stories really can't compare with that level of trauma they may have suffered.  Thank you to all veterans for your service and may peace be with you and all others who read this.   My real questions are in bold.