Growing up terrorized and dehumanized(TW)

[Sprinkles]

I will refer to the person who had me as anti-mom.

Since at least the age of 5, she would drill into me that I'm stupid, worthless, and ugly.

I have siblings, but she targeted me. If something got broke, I was punished. I wasn't allowed to be a person. I was not to say anything because it was seen as talking back. If she told me something, I better hear every word because I would be harmed if I asked her to repeat what she said.

As I got older, she would keep me up most of the night doing housework. I would fall asleep in school and when the teachers would tell her she would beat me.

When I was learning math, she used a calculator to check my work and if there was just one wrong answer she'd tear up the whole page.

Around 8 y.o. I was put in foster care after she threw a bar a soap at my face. The school reported her. The two years I was in it she put on a show how much she loved her children. The people bought it and I was unsafe once again.The abuse seemed to escalate after I was sent back.

She would hide things, and when she couldn't find them she accused me of stealing. She used a wooden spoon and beat my hands red. Then she would find what she was looking for and say oh sorry. I lost count of how often that happened.

I was her maid, she wanted hot chocolate and cookies. I grabbed the wrong cookies and she was infuriated. I tried to hurry to get the right ones and I fell by the stove. She took the tea kettle and poured the boiling water on me. Then afterwards let me know it was my own fault.

I was always accused of lying, and to make me repent she would force feed me raw whole jalapeno peppers.

I have a younger sister who she also had custody of. She would call out I need a hug. Because I was a child and loved her I went to hug her. She said I don't want it from you, I was talking to your sister. She didn't specify or I wouldn't have went to her. In that moment at 10y.o. I understood she did not have any love for me. That is the wound that hurt the most.

She got mad at me for unrealistic things. I needed shoes and she asked me what size. I told her what I thought. I gave her the wrong size and she went off on me verbally and physically.

She would come along on school trips and humiliate me and encourage my classmates who already bullied me to bully me more.

She would treat other people's children better than me and just tell them I was a bad person.

She crocheted and was teaching another girl. One day I walked my sister to the girl's house and she had cookies. She gave some to my sister. Then turned to me and said you can't have any, your mom said you're a very bad person. This girl didn't even know me.

I believe anti-mom was trying to maintain control when i reached adolescence. Out of the blue she would tell me get out. So I would and then she would be mad at me and tell me to get in the house. This was a very frequent occurrence.
One night I just had an undershirt and slip on and she told me to get out. I had enough so I was going to a family friend's house. She called the police and told them I ran away.


She forced me to start stealing. One time I got caught and she was at a fast food restaurant. When the police took me to "my parent" she made a big announcement about what a delinquent she has to put up with.

I was at this same restaurant when I got my menstrual cycle and was wearing light blue pants. She made sure to point out to everyone what happened.

When I was 16, I had to rub her feet at night and read a stupid Garfield comic to her.

Somehow, she believes and has proclaimed she's a damn good mother.

It took six years of therapy to cleanse myself of the hurt, resentment, and shame she made me feel

[Kizzie]

Oh Sprinkles, I am so sorry she put you through that, that she made you the scapegoat in the family, the sacrificial child. When I was reading your post I had this thought that she was targeting you as the living embodiment of her inner critic. In the end what matters is that she used you.  I've come to think this  about my NM, that even though she believed to a fairly deep level she was a good mother, hers was actually a small and fragile ego, she knew she wasn't and had to project all that onto my B and I. It helps me somehow to know now it wasn't really ever me although the wounds are deep.

   for younger you who survived and cleansed the abuse if that's OK.   

[Sprinkles]

Thank you, intuitively I've thought the same. I'd like to extend my condolences to you as well.

I think you're incredible for being courageous to help advocate for all the little warriors who had to become their own superheroes.

I hope it doesn't sound petty, but I won. I have the things she wish she had. I just didn't have to use deception to get it.


At the end of the day, I broke the cycle and my children are mostly grown now and love me. She will never have that.

[Kizzie]

Well done    You might like this - A Love Letter to Cycle Breaking Heroes - http://www.motherhoodandmore.com/2015/12/a-love-letter-to-the-cycle-breakers.html

[Sprinkles]

It was very touching. It made me tear up. She was right about the rewards being great.

[Kizzie]

It's a lovely letter that I re-read a lot when my inner critic says anything about being a bad parent.