I just wrote about this to some extent in my recovery journal but I thought it would be relevant here as well. I have my third appt with my new T tomorrow and I am already fretting about doing more IC work. Not to scare anyone off from doing this really important recovery work, but I just realized that two days after seeing him is when I had an angry EF relating to a present day problem, but which dredged up so many feelings from the past. I had forgotten that my T had said there might be some fallout (I think because at the time I was holding a teddy bear and feeling a little uncomfortable doing so), and until today just thought it was simply the present day trigger that had taken me back to the past and being at my parents' mercy. I was left feeling quite uncomfortable that it had happened so quickly and intensely, but today remembering that it had come on soon after my appt gave me a big piece of the puzzle.
I realize it had to do with the IC work we did only two days before the pension situation came up and because my younger self was closer to the surface - zoom, she reacted swiftly and intensely to what felt like a old situation. Again, not to scare anyone off as I did learn a lot because of it, especially in feeling those old feelings and from a younger me's point of view. As I mentioned in my other post I can intellectualize until the cows come home, but feelings are scary so I have avoided getting down to any IC work other than seeing to it that she has more fun these days.
Anyway, this week after therapy I will try to be more aware of the fact that my IC is closer to the surface and if I end up having an EF again, I will try not to dissociate and instead see if I can stay with the feelings, and validate and comfort younger me. And if I do dissociate I will not let my ICr out to poke at me for doing so, but will tell it to pipe down and that I am doing the best that I can.
Sounds like a good plan.
I've been procrastinating that, too. There are always so very many good and solid reasons not to face one's past feelings, it's quite amazing.
Yes, it's like "I've already gone through so much pain, why on earth would I willingly want to feel any of that again." :blink: :sadno:
It took me almost a year.to get.past Thursday morning anxiety attacks hours before therapy. Now I just.feel extreme discomfort waiting for her to answer.the door. (Ha) I think we reach a comfort level when we realize we go there and grow there. It takes some time.to.settle in talking about what we were required to stuff. It feels.like someone will jump from behind the couch and accuse of betrayal.for.tapping into.Pandora's box.
Tks GT, I shall keep in mind that T is a place to go and grow - I like that very much! :bigwink:
I think it's a good sign actually that the feelings (her feelings) are closer to the surface, even tho it can be very inconvenient in the present situation. And this time, when you feel the old feelings, they will get processed the right way and completely (maybe over time, but still, that's ok). i like to think of it as the inner child can "metabolize" their feelings. Not having done that before, it's like swallowing a piece of unchewed steak, lol. This time they get to be digested and go thru all the stages they should have in the first place/original trauma. That's what I think anyway, lol.
I procrastinate it like crazy too....as much as I love and try to popularize this. I don't think it's something you should have to do all the time tho. Giving yourself breaks is a good idea too. I kind of let them decide what to do.
I hope you don't feel bad. :hug:
Ah undigested steak - so that explains all the indigestion and now more recently the acid reflux :doh: Can I just take a massive dose of Gaviscon and be done with this IC work please ???
Oh, that would be ever so lovely if we could do that...
I'm kind of sidling up to it. No IC work yet, but I tackled some Negative Automatic Thoughts I keep getting when I'm bored, thoughts that usually trigger a mild EF. I'm finding it easier to approach the problem from the perspective of a grown-up observer. Maybe that will lay some kind of groundwork? All those NATs are like land mines that keep going off on me, so if I defuse them first, maybe that makes this whole territory safer for my IC to explore?
I think My IC is closer to the surface also! I am going to take Your advice kizzie...I have been calling her Pammy Sue! That is what I was called when I lived in southern US... and what My grand parents called me! I have been talking to her.. and trying to bring her out!
Anyway, this week after therapy I will try to be more aware of the fact that my IC is closer to the surface and if I end up having an EF again, I will try not to dissociate and instead see if I can stay with the feelings, and validate and comfort younger me. And if I do dissociate I will not let my ICr out to poke at me for doing so, but will tell it to pipe down and that I am doing the best that I can.
Keep on keeping on!
Hello to Pammy Sue from Kyle (my IC's name) :wave:
Quote from: Kizzie on November 09, 2014, 12:42:43 AM
Ah undigested steak - so that explains all the indigestion and now more recently the acid reflux :doh: Can I just take a massive dose of Gaviscon and be done with this IC work please ???
:rofl:
And hello to Little Pammy from Kyle :spooked: (she's a little shy lol).
Hi to Kyle and Pammy Sue! :wave:
from Little Pammy.
PS. I have a big sister named PJ which is really short for Pammy Jean! She's 19.
And Pam No. 9 who's 9, and Pam 12 who's 12!
5, 9, 12, 19...just need 2 more and I'd have lottery numbers! :bigwink:
Hey Pam (and all your younger selves :wave:), I have not been on here much at all except to do a bit of admin stuff. I teach online and so spend my days in discussion forums which leave me little brain power or desire to post here. But the course is coming to an end and my time and energy are being freed up, or they will be next week as I have final papers to mark.
I wondered Pam (or anyone) if you have any strategies for when your IC is really cranky? Kyle has been cranky for about two days I think because of a teleconferenced meeting a couple days ago in which there was one know-it-all faculty member (yes, they're everywhere), who inevitably leaves me feeling quite inept and irritated. I have been trying to reason with her and to soothe her, but I am beginning to think she needs to express the anger because that's not working. Time to get the crayons and paper and go for it perhaps :pissed:
Kizzie wrote:
I realize it had to do with the IC work we did only two days before the pension situation came up and because my younger self was closer to the surface - zoom, she reacted swiftly and intensely to what felt like a old situation. Again, not to scare anyone off as I did learn a lot because of it, especially in feeling those old feelings and from a younger me's point of view. As I mentioned in my other post I can intellectualize until the cows come home, but feelings are scary so I have avoided getting down to any IC work other than seeing to it that she has more fun these days.
Anyway, this week after therapy I will try to be more aware of the fact that my IC is closer to the surface and if I end up having an EF again, I will try not to dissociate and instead see if I can stay with the feelings, and validate and comfort younger me. And if I do dissociate I will not let my ICr out to poke at me for doing so, but will tell it to pipe down and that I am doing the best that I can.
I think that right now I am working with My Inner child more. I am crying more when I think of My childhood! That is good right? I am still afraid of pammy Sue though... I do NOT remember much of My childhood. So that makes it all the more difficult. I am trying to play more though. I tell the one grand daughter that I am with the most (age 5) that I Pammy Sue will play with her. Even that is difficult for me! She loves to play with Pammy Sue! I did not have a childhood since I was responsible for taking care of all My Younger siblings. Sometimes GD begs me to play with her...:( . I am trying...
I do see the therapy in it all though. When I let lose and cry and soothe Pammy Sue, she feels happy for a while! I am disassociating less, and having less Ef's!
Keep on Keeping on! ;) :hug:
Good stuff BM!! I find I am dissociating a lot less too and maybe it is that Kyle (IC) is beginning to feel safer. I am afraid of this IC work and know I have to go a bit slower because my Inner critic still wants a piece of her. (I just posted about this in another thread), but at least now I can hear my ICr coming after her and I tuck her back into a safe place until I have some support to work through things.
I like the idea of enticing your IC out by playing with your GD - you're healing and your GD gets to have fun with her GM - right on! I'm not all that great at playing - wish I had some grandkids lol --but I am getting there and as you say I just try to "keep on keeping on!"
I know I'm late reading this thread.
I have been looking at my inner child a lot last week and ..this week.
Kizzie, reading what you wrote about your own inner child and how she / he came up unexpectidly when adult matters happened, helped me to understand why mine seems to be coming up.
My T said that if you ignore the inner child for so long, they end up shouting and screaming to be heard like most children do.
Things upset me more I'm finding. Its normal when you start therapy apparently, but maybe this is also because my inner child is here. She is reacting to things.
But yes, you helped me to understand that.
I do hope you are managing comforting your inner child. If not, thats ok too, i just wish you the best of luck with everything.
Pam, you also helped me understand that we have not actually experienced these feelings before as chilren, maybe we just put them away or disassociated...so now when we experience those awful feelings, we are actually experiencing them for the *first time*, and they would be scary to re experience, as well as to experience first hand.
i think i have this right..... ???
But yes, very interesting. Good to read.
About 2 months ago (I guess a moment or 2 of insanity) I decided I didn't 'need' these "IC" and "codependency" books. I threw away about 15 recovery books because I decided I already dealt with it. Now I sit here going what in the world really happened? Why did I do that to myself? What do you mean by 'I already dealt with it. They were really good useful books. I really need to read them again. ??? :pissed: :doh:
I did keep a mock book "Digesting the Child Within".
i just bit the bullet this week and agreed to start some IC work with my therapist. i have been terrified of it and whenever she mentioned it before i got in a real state, for days. it really freaks me out but i have gotten to the point where i have to move things forward if i am going to get better. i made her promise we would go really slowly and if i freaked out we could stop. so, i am waiting to start in the next week or so. any hints or tips would be appreciated, guys, i am so nervous. it feels like there is a big darkness inside and if i let it out it will take me over.
arpy1,
First, it seems you've established enough trust with your T to give this a go. Remember that trust level and it may help bring the fear level down. You have the ultimate say in trusting to travel into unknown territory.
And, as you said:
"i made her promise we would go really slowly and if i freaked out we could stop."
Precisely. You've informed her you have certain boundaries, and they need to be honoured. Following on the trust referred to above, it's a good start; you know your needs, and even more so your fears, and the two of you are willing to work on this together. All you can do now is try, and you and she know the limits...like the famous saying, take one step at a time.
Hoping for a best step forward :hug:
thank you woodsgnome, that helps.
i guess i have set boundaries, that's a concept i am so unfamiliar with, i always thought they were wrong, or at least, for me to have them was wrong. but yes, i did, i set a boundary. hmm. new thing.
and the trust thing is fraught too, and i do it in spite of myself becos i know i need to. but i still fear/expect it will all go horribly wrong.
at least on this forum no one will ever know who i am or where i am, but with my therapist it's harder becos it's face to face and she can see how awful i am in person. oh my. like u say, one step at a time...watch this space.... :stars:
Woodsgnome: I really like the phrase at the bottom of your posts. It helps to see it and remind myself of it.
ok, i hope no one will hate me for this, it will be a bit of a gutspill, and it feels very risky but desperation is calling the shots..
and i hope it won't be a trigger problem for anyone, but i am in a bit of a pickle and i need some help... any pointers or advice wld be appreciated.... many of you seem to be a long further on than i am.
yesterday i brought home a form to fill in to start the Inner Child Therapy. i was supposed to list my earliest memories and score them as to how good or bad they were.
OK i thought, simple, i did not have much in the way of bad stuff, except that my mum had poor health and was in and out of hospital a lot of the time from when i was born to when i was about 5 or 6. (i was unplanned, she nearly died after having me) and my dad was emotionally absent (still is) so i have longstanding abandonment/attachment issues..... :blink:
yeah, ok, i thought. but the emotional abuse i got in spades was really to to with my experience of 15 yrs in a cult and 20 years married to a np person etc. so early memories are no biggie.
so anyway i didn't expect a problem.
did my best to fill the form out and then whammy, sideswiped by huge EF state. i just couldn't deal with it at all. not becos of the memories but becos i just felt a total fraud pretending to do inner child stuff when i wasn't beaten or raped or abused as a kid, and have had zero troubles compared to other people i know. what am i making such a big fuss about????
to make it worse, i am finding lately that all my well honed strategies for keeping the person i call the 'screaming sobbing woman' who lives in my head under control (sounds crazy, i know) are failing me. i can't escape into books, or tv, alcohol doesn't work, nor comfort eating (yeah i know they are bad strategies, but they have kept me functioning for years).
so somehow the form totally triggered the screaming sobbing woman even tho i never connect her with childhood stuff, more with cult and marriage stuff. am i making sense here?
i don't understand, is it that the ssw is a composite of all the disallowed emotions that i have carefully blocked off for decades, or is she the frightened little kid who never knew when she woke up in the morning who was going to be there to look after her (Nice Nan, Nasty Nana, Scary Daddy)? maybe both, i don't know.
in any case, the pain and terror, when she gets out and runs amok, are overwhelming and unbearable and i realise that i have no skills, no strategies to cope with that. i feel like i am losing my grip and if i do i will be totally taken over. and it makes me so, so afraid.
i thought last night, as i was trying desperately to find something to distract myself from it all, and failing, that maybe i should just go with it somehow and just let it happen and somehow let myself feel the pain instead of being so afraid. but i just couldn't do it, my body went into fight or flight and i ended up taking valium.
today i am sane again, tho i feel like i have been hit with a brick. and the ssw is in the wings, waiting for me to let my guard down. Please, someone, tell me i am not alone in being this weird??? how do i deal with this pain?
First of all: fill in the form as truthfully as you can.
There's no point in trying to give the 'right' answers.
The form is an assessment tool, and it is there to aid the professional helpers to get a grip on 'what's the problem'.
There are no 'good' or 'bad' answers.
What's the worst that could happen? That you don't need 'inner child' therapy, but something else.
That said, you mentioned the time in the cult, that is bothering you. Did that time include your puberty/adolescence? If so, you were still a child, and so perhaps you are dealing with a quite 'old' Inner Child.
Also: your Inner Child does not have to been beaten in order to have been abused. I myself was hit (by Dad) and tortured (by my brother), but I think that the continuous emotional abuse (by many) is my biggest problem. My dad stopped beating me in puberty, and my brother left home short after. That all was a bad thing, but my main problem is the ever continued emotional abuse and neglect (that probably has been there all through my (early) childhood as well.)
You mentioned your emotional absent father, and physically (at the least) absent mother due to her frequent hospitalization. I would mention that at least on the form, in those very words you used. On the form.
Let the professionals deal with their assessment on that.
Good luck and kudos on exploring IC-work at least. :thumbup:
arpy1, your story of your "screaming sobbing woman" really resonated for me. I have had a "ssw" inside of me, too, for my whole life. The thought of actually "giving in" and trying to grieve out all that pain was just too frightening. I thought I would never be able to handle so much pain, or reach the end of it ever.
But I found a therapist who gently encouraged me to let the tears out. He did not find my pain repulsive, and that helped with the fear. I began to find that a period of out-and-out sobbing and wailing could bring me some peace, more peace than self-distraction ever had. And though I don't think I will ever reach "the end of it", of the grief, I feel much better. Grieving has definitely improved my quality of life.
"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." --Rumi
:hug:
Quote from: Trees on August 28, 2015, 02:30:31 PM
"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." --Rumi
Could you post that in the "quotes" thread, if you haven't already?
I love it.
thanks for replying,D/Uncle. and for being so down to earth, i need it as i find it hard to stay grounded when it gets like this.
i kind of did fill in the form, but only in pencil, and what i put just seems so silly. but i guess i have to trust my T that she will be able to make use of it in whatever way she needs. the idea of being 'assessed' is a bit uncomfortable. and the trust bit is so hard. now that i have got to the stage of trusting her enough to embark on this, it is really testing my insecurities with her. i am always waiting for it all to go belly-up.
you ask what's the worst that could happen. well i think it kind of has already, in that the ssw is out of control really, and i can't squash her back into her box. that, for me, is the absolute worst - (i have spent several decades keeping her under control) and it is happening more and more. this ict thing is just making it worse. the ssw is definitely the worst problem, i think, she is where i have dumped all the stuff i was never free to feel so had to find a way to dissociate from. i don't really know how to differentiate emotions other than fear and anger. i don't even know what i am feeling most of the time, it all gets shoved under those two names. so she is a very scary part of me. very very scary.
i did join the cult at 18, a very immature and insecure 18. i always say that i left the cult 15 years later still a very immature and insecure teenager,(but with the added bonus of a totally screwed mind full of guilt and fear). the whole system and culture of the place was infantilising, especially if you were a woman.
so maybe, yes, my IC is more than just the toddler i thought she was. maybe i am trying to divide myself up into more manageable chunks when in fact it's all one thing.
trouble is the feeling of being overwhelmed with terror when stuff gets touched on. it's like as if i had no skin on and the slightest feather touch or breath of breeze on the flayed muscle causes agony. i go into a kind of blank panic, heart rate up, shakey, nauseous etc etc, i'm sure u r well familiar.
i know u r right about the abuse thing. i even tell other people that. but i guess i haven't quite got round to believing it for myself. too many years of being invalidated probably.
thanks for listening, and for ur helpful thoughts. just having people to bounce things around with is a novel thing. i really appreciate it even tho i am still a bit scared of it. :hug:
Just read your post, Trees, thank god someone gets the ssw. i always thought i was alone with that. and what you say, i wonder if i will ever be able to do that? thank you so much for responding. :hug:
Quote from: arpy1 on August 28, 2015, 03:15:26 PM
the idea of being 'assessed' is a bit uncomfortable.
I can relate. I had a SCID-II taken, to see if I had a Personality Disorder.
The good thing: I have not.
The bad thing: back to square one.
(did find this site shortly thereafter)
Quoteyou ask what's the worst that could happen. well i think it kind of has already, in that the ssw is out of control really, and i can't squash her back into her box. [...] so she is a very scary part of me.
I'm so sorry. It's so hard. :hug:
Quotei did join the cult at 18, a very immature and insecure 18. i always say that i left the cult 15 years later still a very immature and insecure teenager,(but with the added bonus of a totally screwed mind full of guilt and fear). the whole system and culture of the place was infantilising, especially if you were a woman.
Worth mentioning on the form, IMHO.
Your Screaming Sobbing Women reminds me of "the Hatchet Lady", which really ringed a bell to me (even though I'm not quite a lady ;) )
linkypinky: http://forthelittleonesinside.com/criticizinf-your-selfc5/
Trees, i just can't tell you how much relief i feel that you have an ssw too. i never really explained her to anyone except my T (and one other person who later betrayed me rather colossally). i honestly thought no one would ever experience it like i do. it is such a relief.
and...oh my, D/Uncle, that hatchet lady one made me want to cry and cry. i curse and scream at myself for the slightest thing. i really am surprised at myself sometimes, how much hatred i can carry for myself.
here's a thing, i wish i could cry and cry, or something. but it's like i have a big plug just above my diaphragm. and i just can't do it. the pain is too big and i feel like crying will never fix it or make it feel better. i wish i could. the best i manage is a wee blubber and then it turns itself off ???
guys, thank you both so much. i feel a bit vulnerable (very, to be honest) but it feels so good to know i'm not on my own anymore with this whole thing. i hope you won't mind if i come back to this with you as i go through the ict... i have an uncomfortable feeling i might need all the support i can get.... :blink: :hug: :hug:
Quote from: arpy1 on August 28, 2015, 04:28:04 PM
i hope you won't mind if i come back to this with you as i go through the ict... i have an uncomfortable feeling i might need all the support i can get.... :blink: :hug: :hug:
I wouldn't mind at all. To be frank, for one I'm interested in what the 'result' will be when you have turned in the form, and if they think "Inner Child Therapy" is the way to go. And if/when they do, how you feel about the proposals they'll make to you, as a result.
On a last note, about my experience with forms:
I had to turn in a huge form as well for my SCID-II. I did it the day I got it. Then let it simmer for a while (I had left a few questions open, some others just in pencil). Read it again the day I had to turn it in to my assessor (or the day before, I'm not sure, never mind in any case), filled in some blanks, left some open/in pencil still, tweaked hardly anything , and had my assessment.
Took a while to get the 'result', was ready for anything. Honestly, I wouldn't have minded having a PD. I wouldn't have liked it, for sure. But I had put myself on the (assessment)table, had been frank, open and honest. "Let's have it!", I told myself in a fit of 'bravado'.
Take care, trust yourself 'to the paper' as the saying goes (? well, at least in my native language there is such a phrase). 'They' don't care
what you will put there, but they'll care
about what you put there.
It's an exam you can't flunk. That's the beauty of it! :thumbup:
And huggers all the way! :hug:
thank u x
oops, that slipped in, i meant :hug:, sorry
arpy1:
"it feels so good to know i'm not on my own anymore with this whole thing. i hope you won't mind if i come back to this with you as i go through the ict... i have an uncomfortable feeling i might need all the support i can get...."
I think, though I hesitate to say it out loud, that that is why we are all here---to give and receive support as we go through this stuff again and again and again. And again.
My therapist says I will eventually understand, at a deep down level, that I can be in pain and still be lovable. I wish that for you, too. :hug:
update on my slightly abortive beginning of Inner Child therapy....
today i decided that instead of trying to fill in this childhood memory list, i wld just sit and write down everything i could remember from my childhood, just as it comes out of my memory onto the page, without trying to score it, judge it, analyse it or anything. i think i've been getting my head in a mess trying to make judgments about what was a good memory, what was bad, what was neutral.
so i did, it took hours, i was surprised at the number of incidents that stick in my mind. but i am still at a loss to know what to do with them. it's too long to fit on the form. and to be honest, my judgment of almost all of them is that they were neutral. i don't feel strongly about any of them one way or another. they just were. i read them and think 'meh' :blink:
the odd thing is, though, after trying to read it all back with a little objectivity, as if i were reading it as someone else's story, i think i would say 'poor little kid, she was scared all the time' but not becos of big stuff. i was just always scared. right from my earliest memory. how weird is that? ho hum
i hope no one minds me trying to walk myself thru some more stuff relating to the ICT. I think I now realise one or two things, or at least am more willing? to look at one or two things. any input gratefully received, especially if i am off track with this?
In sending the memory writing to my T, and asserting definitely that I had no real emotional response to any of the memories and that my childhood was basically pretty normal...
and in subsequently to trying (for the n'th time) unsuccessfully to read more than half way through Pete Walker's article on Abandonment Depression;
and then reading woodsgnome's post back in another thread about 'killing off' his formative years and reinventing a new person in the form of successful actor, until he got cut down by depressive illness
well, I think I have to face a few facts:
it is still true that my feelings about my early memories are kind of 'meh', nothingy.
I definitely did the same as WsG. I killed off my formative years and took on the role: 'good xian sister (in the cult)'. When I got too screwed to carry on with that and got poleaxed with depression, I partially killed off that person and ran away into marriage, and created a new role of 'uber-caring codependent giver', and when that screwed me too much, I ran away back to the cult, and tried to reprise my old 'good sister' role. But that backfired badly becos I made too many waves. So I got written out of the series (killed off) by them.
And now I have killed off all of those characters and...
I have walked off the set.
So following that analogy, I have actually created and killed off several different characters to try and fill the space where a selfhood should have been.
And I begin to see that the reason there wasn't a selfhood in there to start with must have been becos of those early years, the memories of which excite no emotion.
Ok, lightbulb finally turned itself on. How come I didn't see this before? (this must be what my T has been trying to get me to see, all these months.)...
Well, looking at the Pete Walker article thing: I have tried to reading this one through to the end at least four, maybe five times now and each time I get to the bit where he starts to talk about self abandonment and learning to be able to 'stay present' when triggered into it, each time (and even now, when I am just obliquely referring to it and avoiding too many details) I go into a panic and my heart starts to race and I get shaky and sicky, and I can even feel it now as I write. So I have to get off that topic. Now.
I understand that this is an emotional flashback. The article itself triggers the very thing it is trying to deal with. That has to be significant.
So I am convinced.
I don't know how the * I am going to do this, but I have to start addressing the whole abandonment thing that goes right back to when i was born. And actually admitting it is a start, isn't it? And that is as far as I can go with that right at this moment. phew. thanks for listening. now i just have to get the courage to say all that to my T.
Back when this site first started another member and I used to talk a lot about wanting to rip off the band-aid and just be done with this whole CPTSD thing. We railed against the agonizingly slow pace until it began to come clear just how traumatic our childhoods really had been.
Your post reminds of that dawning realization about just how necessary it was to let the process unfold in amounts that we could tolerate and for the reason that we feel the trauma through our inner children not our adult selves. That EF that you begin to have when you read that passage sounds like you are close to a truth that is very hard to bear, so stepping closer to it (staying present a little longer each time) just a bit at a time represents real and necessary self-care and compassion imo. :hug:
yeh, i guess. funny, as soon as i posted the above, it was like a tide of such sadness rose up inside, i just cried. and then i couldn't cope anymore and i had to go to bed and switch off my brain. i felt so rough when i woke up a few hours later, like i had the flu or something, but i don't.
i have spent the evening watching wildlife programmes back to back becos they make me feel happy and becos then i don't have to think. i have spent so long insisting that my problems stem from all the abuse that happened to me as an adult, this has come as a shock. and you're right, the pain is very very hard to bear.
thanks for responding, Kizzie, i was getting so insecure, having splurged all of it out, thinking that even here on this site everyone thinks i am a total crack pot and don't want to know.
i really hate this. :'( - but i have to carry on, don't i.
Quote from: arpy1 on August 30, 2015, 11:15:25 AM
Ok, lightbulb finally turned itself on. How come I didn't see this before? (this must be what my T has been trying to get me to see, all these months.)...
[...]
I understand that this is an emotional flashback. The article itself triggers the very thing it is trying to deal with. That has to be significant.
[...]
And actually admitting it is a start, isn't it? And that is as far as I can go with that right at this moment.
I just highlighted a few sentences for brevity sake, but I find your whole post awe inspiring. :thumbup:
Quote
i hope no one minds me trying to walk myself thru some more stuff relating to the ICT.
You have no idea how helpful and enlightening such a post is for me, personally.
You spell out the process so clear, and parts of it resonate strongly, with my own process.
I think, but it's just a thought/opnion, that 'getting' the whole cPTSD has been a process as well. It's not been a "Oh, there and then it went 'wrong'." It's been a series of events and experiences.
And I think recovering will be a same thing: a process, not a one-time-event that we, at some point ahead in time, will be able to pinpoint as: "Ah, there and then was the moment it got 'fixed'.
So, thanks for sharing.
:hug:
Dutch Uncle thank you so much for that support. it means a lot.
today i woke up feeling like i had a dose of the flu, but i knew it is not a physical problem, just my body responding to being nuked with this overwhelming but undefined sadness. so exhausted i just went back to bed for three hours.
when i woke, i still felt ghastly and overwhelmingly sad. i started watching a documentary on graffiti, and my creative juices got moving, which was really good, becos i wrote a new poem (posted in the Poetry bit). it's weird how i can only write when i am 'in extremis'. i can't seem to do it when i am ok. it's like a pressure valve or something, it really helps me.
the point i am getting to in all this is that somehow, putting a bit of the pain into a poem stemmed the floodtide of sadness that had been overwhelming me, and it receded. so that now, i feel like i might be ready for the next bit of the process; i can maybe face the ICT if i take it gently. and lo and behold, my body feels ok again. weird stuff.
I did read your poem. And I found it quite upbeat.
It's wonderful it makes your body feel OK again. :thumbup:
:thumbup: :hug:
ok. so i am seeing my T tomoro and i feel quite nervous.
the last few days have been a rollercoaster of emotion, and yesterday i started to kind of numb out. and i have stayed that way, pretty much. it's not on purpose, but it isn't a nice feeling. it's weird and unpleasant.
this morning i talked to my son, he needed to have a good vent becos the stress at his job is getting to epic proportions. i am happy to be his talking-post, but today i didn't cope with it terribly well. i ended feeling uber-anxious and distressed all the way home in the car (not good when you're behind the wheel). i know he is a grown up and i know that i can only support him, not fix it for him. even so, i worry.
but the weird thing is that after a while of feeling in this hyped up state over it, i just went numb again. it's like a blanket wraps itself around my head and everything is kind of muffled. like my brain can't handle feeling wired up any more so it switches itself off. this happens to me quite a bit.
it is a bit worrying. i guess i feel like i am not going to be much good in session tomoro if i am like this. and i don't like to waste sessions - they cost money! and having finally got to the point where i am willing to try with the ict, i don't want to lose impetus. ho hum.
Is it possible for you to take a break (from the ICT) today? You've worked hard the last couple of days on this ICT-form and everything that it brought up. I've witnessed it.
Take a day off. Try to see it as a weekend/lazy sunday.
And perhaps than tomorrow you'll have fresh energy to attend the T.
:thumbup: You're doing great.
you know what, that is a really good idea. i get so intense sometimes. Thank you. I am gonna do it. :yes: :hug:
When I dig into the trauma it takes three days or so of feeling hungover or flu-like to recover - lots of rest and fluids and compassion (no letting the ICr rant about how weak I am), work for me.
I had a bit of a light go on when I was doing some IC work and realized why this seems to be the case. I feel trauma, fear with a child's intensity (which is why it scares me frankly - who want to go through that again?). For example, the abandonment I felt as a child would have been simply terrifying. So as I work through it at least initially there is no rational aspect to it, there is only a deep and primitive fear with all kinds of lovely chemicals linked to those feelings that bath my system. I am literally hungover and need to give my body time to recoup.
So good for you for taking a break arpy :hug:
thanks,Kizzie. i'm not doing very well at moment. see separate thread i just started, any tips would be appreciated, i am totally lost :'(
Hi Arpy1
Hope your doing a bit better and that its going well with your new T.
Your sound very caring to be so worried about your son.
I just wanted to say that what you are experiencing sounds like dissociation. Numbing - feeling numb, is disasociating.
It does sometimes feel like a blanket.
Your mind is kind of saying that its too overwhelmed, so it blocks the feeling out.
It will get better apparently.
My T is doing grounding techniques with me.
I dont want you to worry that you will be no good in session. This is most likely a result of trauma, its a defence mechanism, a coping skill.
Your T will hopefully understand that.
I understand about wanting to progress and not waste money.
My T says a little at a time, you cant do it all at once. (experiencing the emotion properly)
I wish you luck. You will be just fine. Oh and if you havent already, i would talk to your T about this, she/he might have some insight.
I talked about this, and never thought it was dissociation.