Messages

Hi memorex, I'm sorry to hear you felt lonely.  Hope has already put what I wanted to say in words, but I'm glad you made a small step in opening up too. 

I'd like to say congrats to finding new insights and strength w.g . 

You said you envied how I'm willing to ask for things I need w.g, but I envy your willingness to think deeply and reflect on your own. I think deeply too and spend more time in solitude than others,but it seems not at the length you do.

Alone time doesn't mean reflection. It could also mean being distracted by other random activities to occupy my mind with. Hey, you live in a literal cabin in the woods.

I don't think my attention span can live farther from the big city here where wifi connection is the fastest in the country, bookstores are filled with novel books, and the variety of places to go to is vast. 

So cheers to your wonderful ability to reflect and find peace in utter silence, as well as your unique eloquence in expressing your thoughts.   

Hi Camille. Sorry but I don't have any wisdom to say for now.

I don't know about how other people think of you Cam, but I don't think you're replaceable. There's something unique about you that I can relate with your need to be affirmed and accepted in this forum. Other people fear this too, but something is different with you for some reason.

Oh Solace, lots of us can feel lonely when someone dear to us is gone, and I'm glad your husband is back then. That must be good news.

I think the inner critic thing is a good idea hope. Lots of our inner critics have good intentions behind them and are trying to protect us from harm we've gotten before, so I hope the best for that. It's a pretty hard thing to be able to listen to something that's been hurting you, but there's a lot of value in listening.

Hi San, happy you're making progress on life. I've never seen you so satisfied with life as you are now. Hoping you and him can learn more from each other. Like in science, opposites can attract and increase magnetism to each other. Not always considering differences can clash, but we grow a lot from those kinds of relationships.

Hope you have a great adventure with your D there too. I'm honestly not very familiar with financial and security problems such as that, but I assume it takes work for a lot of people.

Thanks, San. I was feeling a little unheard and was upset by it, so it's nice that at least one person came by. 

I don't think I can admit what that big breakthrough is, and I realize it's because I fear being envied. So I'll try to practice saying better and better news slowly until I can get rid of my fear of envy from others.

. . .
They say aspies tend to follow rules too rigidly and I was confused to not see it in myself. I don't have rigid schedules (More like overly specific ways to do an activity that can be done at any time) or follow teachers' rules on schoolwork 100%, but I notice when it comes to morality. . . well, that's where the symptoms express itself. 

Morals were different in the past — slavery, left handedness, homosexuality etc. So I always doubted things too much to the point of settling on no answers until I figure it out myself. But I can't figure it out and I'll just follow direct feedback from reliable people.

The moral areas nearly everyone agrees with are easy but controversial ones still make no sense. Unless it has backed up statistics (ex. Proper non-abstinance sex ed lowers teen pregnancies), then every argument seems arbitrary.

If I'll innovate something for society, it'll be in a more logical area. I'll leave moral innovation to the activists. I've been anxious about the future because I thought I had to make decisions for others to make a difference.

But no, I'm too indecisive for that. I don't give answers.

I discover information. I weave perspectives. I suggest food for thought.

That's what I do best.

Thanks, Estella. 

I contacted her online and she thanked me for clearing it up. Phew. I guess even if I can be kinda clueless to notice things indirectly, I can still communicate things directly. All this social cluelessness has made me a lot more straightforward. I guess that's one social skills area I'm good at least compared to people who give all kinds of confusing signals.

A huge breakthrough happened, but I'm too tired to explain. I have this suspicion that people will just envy or hate me for having something good happen to me. The EFs still have done a number on me, and I need rest. So maybe I'll explain next time.

See you.

I just don't know today . . . I can't say what it is, but I caused a misunderstanding with a friend by speaking and understanding things too literally. I think I might have made her pretty angry at my mistake and ended the conversation. Well . . . I guess it's what it is. I hope I can make it up to her. It's not her fault.

I messed things up today really badly. Maybe I'm too repetitive on the issues I struggle to get out of my head too. I think my social skills get worse during EFs and whatever major EF happened a few days ago -- came back today. I'd like to talk to people more at my most stressed, but I'm not sure if people would put up with me more likely saying accidentally hurtful things.

I'd ask more questions to clear up some social rules/guidelines I don't get, but it might sound offensive to ask what people call an obvious question on a serious issue.

What am I feeling now? I don't know. But I think I'm okay. I think -- at least okay enough. Calm but . . . not exactly calm. I guess I'd call it being frozen and unmoving, but yielding. Hopeful yet exhausted. Brave but also terrified.

Huh? Why's my body so feverish and lethargic now? What happened today wasn't that bad. I've been getting sick more and more often lately, even with some not mentioned here.

I don't know . . .

  Take care of yourself too, San.

...

My pride wanted to punch him in the face.

He was a friend of my dad, a professor of business. I was pissed, but I wouldn't show it out of respect. I asked for feedback on my dream options in a possible business perspective, and he offered comments on each.

One of the things he seemed to notice about me is that I'm shy and avoid conflict. I hate my flaws being so . . . exposed,  EFs flickered with anger in my mind. He gave me some books for this, and I understood something.

World peace isn't such a good idea if it means everyone agrees with each other. To have no bloodshed is good, but to have no disagreements in ideas means there isn't any room to allow each other to grow.

Then who are the best people to learn about dealing with conflict then. The salespeople who get the door slammed on him in each house. The author whose requests for publication is constantly met with shaking heads.. It's the entrepreneurs who begin a startup with potential investors walking away.

Okay, I'm open to that. For now. . .yeah . . . I think I'll . . . I'll pee my pants.

Hey guys, sorry to worry you all. I guess I got emotional from being caught in all that stress. I'm not ready to talk about the EF now, but here. 

Not sure, but I guess what I've been wanting is just getting feedback on what people think my strengths and my progress are. I often deny them.

I missed this place badly, but unexpectedly, I did feel better about leaving for a bit. It was a burden to wonder if I was a burden to others, and somehow just refusing help for a bit calmed down my inner critic. Ah, thanks in particular. I forget during EFs, but I am human. Human as I'll always be.

I'm strangely more creative recently — with stories, drawing and creating melodies without lyrics. I guess it's because emotional awareness is easier now. I wonder if I can mix some of these skills with code or science to make it more accesible, but hey, I'm no expert . . . at least for now.

On the other hand, I realized I'm still a little heartbroken from the girl I had a crush on being already taken recently. You know . . . studying the tech of cryptocurrency and how a blockchain works is harder when you're lovesick.

Welp. The creator of this tech was made by someone known as Satoshi Nakomoto — a person whose true identity is still unknown. Considering my major obstacle is being afraid of what others think of me, I wonder if I could study online anonymity to make some controversial changes in the world without being known or targeted like Satoshi. Huh? I wonder.

I guess the EF was a wake up call to move forward. I grew by knowing my limits, and when I know my limits, I could focus on what I'm really good at when I'm rested enough for it, right?

Now let's see what I can do.

I don't know what to say, but let's just say today I had the worst EF in a long time. And I might have . . . not treated myself well.

I've asked too much from this forum. I've asked too much from everyone here. Asked too much from people in other sites and asked too much from people in real life. I've been too selfish with my time, and everything I've asked for.

Sigh. I guess I'm leaving OOTS for good then.

Goodbye.

  San.

....

I have to confess. I was the troublemaker growing up.

The teachers understood that I was smart, but the other students didn't. The smart kids who got high grades were supposed to be the most obedient students they'd all say, but hey, look at me. Some thought I had ADHD.

My emotions were still affected by trauma, but in class growing up — much of it made me feel empty. There was something  both too unchallenging and challenging about it. More memorization than thinking. More verbal than visual. Too loud rather than quiet.

It wasn't petty boredom. It was the kind of boredom that made me want to literally self harm,  the boredom to self criticize myself harshly just for some kind of entertainment, or the boredom to binge on chocolate for a feeling.

But it was also creative boredom. It was playing bowling in the back of class using water bottles and standing books. It was using toilet paper to make art and mess with people. It was finding ways to eat entire meals inside a small classroom unseen when no food inside was allowed.

It's part of why I'm such a bookworm. They figured out that they can only seem to fully calm me down into my seat by encouraging me to read unrelated books in class — sometimes more advanced. Still seems to work today, eh. Mostly.

I guess I said all this because I wanted to hide the idea that I wasn't a perfect student. I guess I felt there was something inherently wrong with me for being bored  — everyone else seeemed to handle boredom better. Why didn't I?

Sigh. My own research did say I wasn't the only one who's gathered an extra amount of trauma from undiagnosed differences.

The brain tries to handle stress by forgetting about it. It's too much to process, and so many of us with trauma forget about what happened. Dissociation.

I have a good memory too, though it can also have the habit of making me be aware of the details of many many many bad memories I rather forget. I think memories gradually come back though when we need and are ready for it. Usually, when I'm particularly dissociated, that means I probably need more rest and self-care before remembering again.

Take care. 

I'm glad too.