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Woop woop, so I blocked my ex-boss on Facebook and what a relief! It's such a small thing, it's funny how it can make such an impact. Although I still feel hypervigilant a lot of the time and work hasn't left my mind yet, it seems to be moving a little farther towards the back of my mind now.
This morning I didn't wake up until 11. I didn't go to bed particularly late, probably around 22.00. I have the tendency to try and rationalise this, and then, if I don't have a "good enough reason" to be tired, I tell myself I can't be tired and I push it away. I didn't do that today, I just let myself be tired. Because whether it makes sense to me or not, doesn't change how I feel, right?
I know where that comes from though. My parents would often tell me I was lazy and make remarks like "what do you have to be tired about? You're a kid, you don't do anything". So I always feel like I need a reason to feel what I feel. Which is nonsense. Trying to slowly let that go.

Hi Armadillo,

I really appreciate you checking in, and your previous post was very helpful. I hadn't had time and energy to come in and update just yet, but i'm ok.

My last day was alright. I'm glad my boss wasn't there. I almost felt guilty for leaving though, after my other colleagues were so lovely. It hasn't quite set in that it's over, that's going to take a while.

As expected, my boss left a comment on my facebook post (I posted that i'd had my last day). She said something to make herself and the company sound great, and then, in her own passive aggressive "smiling through her teeth" style, made a comment about how it was a shame that our goodbye had to be like this (online, since she is on holiday and I avoided her on the last day we worked together). It was so obvious that it was a jab at me, it was almost funny. I'm awaiting her return to work, because I'm also expecting a passive aggressive email from her about how I have already handed in all my stuff, while most people drop in later for that. Obviously, I handed everything in because I never want to have to go back there, and she knows it.
Anyway, later next week after i've had my last paycheck and when she's finished with all the reasons she could have to check in with me, i'm going to block her from facebook.

I got an email Friday from my trainer from a course i'm training, asking me when i'm going to pick it up again (it's been on hold due to covid and due to my own mental health) and it really stressed me out. I feel pressured, and right now I just want to be left alone. I told her i'm taking the next few weeks for myself. I hope she doesn't make me re-do the last module (apparently there's an expiration date on that...).

I had a really nice time friday night with my band, my bassist celebrated his birthday with us around a campfire in his back yard. There was wine, guitars, singing and it was lovely.

Furthermore, i'm really tired and all over the place with my emotions. The difference is that now I can keep reminding myself that I can let it happen. I have time and space to feel bad and let it be there, so i'm going to use that.

I'm currently obsessed with the song "Defying Gravity" from Wicked. It's symbolic, beautiful, and I ugly cry every time Elphaba goes up into the air.

Guys, i'm stressed out.

I would have thought i'd be feeling a lot better now. Tomorrow is my last day at my horrible job, which is good news. Also, i've taken care of all the last things I needed to do before the end of the academic year, and I start my new job at that school after the summer. I'm going to have a few weeks of summer holidays to rest and prepare, and i'm really looking forward to the new job. A new sense of belonging, nice people, doing what i'm good at, not to mention the financial stability. Also, I got amazing news yesterday: I got a letter about my name change yesterday, and it looks like they are going to grant me my mothers surname! There's some more stuff that needs to be taken care of, but it's looking good.
All these things are positive, and I expected to be feeling more relaxed now. But i'm not.


The past two years have been * on earth. Not just because of the pandemic, but that sure made the situation exponentially worse. With everything happening in my private life, combined with the stresses of lockdown (isolation, losing income, losing all the things that make my life enjoyable and worthwhile, losing my sense of autonomy...), I've been numbing myself just to survive. For the past two years i've been continuously oscillating beween numb/depressed, and waves of extreme stress/anxiety/grief/frustration. Things seemed to be looking up the past few weeks as things started to re-open and life started going back to normal. However, for the past few days, the number of positive tests have been rising. At the same time, we see the number of people in hospital/ICU at an all time low, and still declining. Which is completely logical: the majority of people in my country are vaccinated now. Asymptomatic people are obligated to test themselves in order to take part in events. Because of this dramatic increase in testing, we're obviously going to see higher numbers of positive tests (either from asymptomatic infections, or from false positives which is the inevitable result of testing healthy people). The vaccination doesn't prevent infection, it just prevents you from getting really ill from said infection. So it would make sense that we're seeing more positive tests, alongside a decrease in hospital admissions. Technically, that's exactly what we want. It proves that the strategy is working. People get infected, but no longer get sick. Thus no more excessive pressure on the healthcare system, which was the whole point of lockdown.
However, the government is freaking out and considering locking us down again. Just because of the positive test numbers.

When I heard this, this afternoon, I was on the verge of a mental breakdown.
I know I look calm on the outside and continue to go about my business and live my life. But on the inside, the only thing keeping me going, is thinking of death. Not that I want to die (on the contrary, I want to LIVE, but NOT LIKE THIS), but thinking that I at least have an escape rope is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment.
I've been stretched so thin for the past two years that the tinest little thing sets me off inside. I can hardly handle anything anymore, I'm constantly stressed, my body feels tight and painful, I have palpitations, and I hardly enjoy anything anymore because I need to stay numb. I feel burned out. But I have to keep going, so I do.
I'm absolutely terrified that we're going back into lockdown. I don't know if I can take it. I can't stand having the government constantly deciding for me what I can and can't do, and playing groups of people out against one another. Social control. No matter what your opinion, you can't think or say anything without being ostracised by someone. And when I imagine escaping, I realize that there's nowhere to go: the whole world is involved. I feel trapped, and there's no end in sight. There's no logic, I can't predict what's going to happen and when this will end, and that makes me go crazy inside. It feels like....other things I don't want to remember.

I know i'll get through it, simply because I have to and I have a pretty good track record so far. But you know what scares me even more?
I'm absolutely terrified of what will happen when all this dies down, my life goes back to normal, and I can relax. Because with everything i've been pushing down and numbing for the past two years just in order to survive, there's going to be a tidal wave of emotions wating for me. It ain't over when it's over.

I'm sorry for this long rant, but I need to get it off my chest. I don't really know where else to turn, I don't feel safe or comfortable confiding in anyone. Even when I tell them my thoughts, I don't let the emotions peek through (even to myself). But i'm really struggling immensely with all this.

That phrase also rubs me the wrong way. Especially since my NF used it all the freakin' time, to get out of taking responsibility for his actions. "I meant well".

Sure, there are situations when assuming (or knowing about) positive intentions can help you to look at things from a more compassionate standpoint. That can be helpful.
However, I don't think blatant abuse is one of those situations. Especially since those positive intentions don't translate into changed behaviour when you let that person know you're hurt.

For these situations, I've learned to respond with the following: If you punch me in the face, it doesn't matter what your intentions were, I still have a black eye. So obviously, if you continue that behaviour, no matter what your intentions, i'm going to take a step back. Purely for self preservation. 

Thanks NotAlone and Jazzy.

Tomorrow, my last work week at my current job begins. I'm not looking forward to work tomorrow, but i'm also looking forward to getting it all over with.

Last week, my boss asked me to take some time off, "because I was so busy, I might like it". In other words: we need you to use all the hours you saved up, so that we don't have to pay you for them after you leave. At first I was against it, I wanted to save them because I need to extra cash to get through the few week that I won't have an income before my new job starts. But at this point, I honestly don't care anymore. The job is so mentally draining that the less time I spend on the workfloor, the better.
So I had a few days off this past week, and it was much needed. It's funny how the very same say I got home with a free week ahead of my, my creativity immediately started flowing again.
I've been so productive this week! I even published a childrens book!
I used a story that I wrote as a child, and had always wanted to publish. I used Canva to create a format and make pictures, then I published it in Dutch and in English via Amazon. Today I reveived a photo from someone who had just gotten their copy in the mail, on the other end of the world. That's so cool!

I've been feeling up and down lately. I'm tired, raw, and easily triggered. But I also feel like little glimmers of enjoyment are poking through, sometimes I feel alive again and I get excited about the future. It doesn't last long, but it reminds me that i'm "thawing" and i'll be ok, even through it doesn't always seem like it.

I heard that my father is getting married this summer. He didn't tell any of us, and doesn't want to tell us. Not that I want to know, but it only goes to show... It makes me wonder though, wouldn't it make his new in-laws suspicious to see that none of his own family and friends show up at his wedding? How long can he keep convincing them that WE are the problem?

With the pandemic easing up, my current job ending and my new job on the horizon, I have a prediction for how things are going to go for me emotionally...I suspect that initially, i'll feel euphoric. Followed by depression and extreme fatigue. And then come overwhelming emotions as I slowly un-freeze. All the stuff i've been pushing down to stay in survival mode over the past two years, has to come out some time. It will smoothe out over time, but I suspect that it's going to be a rollercoaster....

Anyway, i'm going to go to bed in a minute. The sooner it's tomorrow, the sooner i'll get that shift over with and cross it off the list. The sooner this week is over, the better.

Hey Armadillo,

I feel for you and your concerns regarding your son. I hope it comforts you to know that you're doing the best you can, and the fact alone that you are there for him and open to listen and get help for him when he needs it, is already huge. The fact that he opens up to you, is also really really valuable and a good sign. That kind of trust is everything.

Take care!

That's weird, and frustrating...

Also, i'm confused that something coming via the Netherlands would use Deutschepost, considering Deutschepost is German. We don't use that here in the Netherlands. Weird...

I hope they arrive soon!

Just checking in to say that i'm reading, and I'm here (even though I don't have much to say).

Good on you for going easy on yourself. Things are easier to work through when you come from a place of (self)compassion.

Take care

Thank you, Woodsgnome, Sage and NotAlone.

It took a while indeed to figure it out, and it was enlightening, but far from pleasant. Still glad it went down the wat it did though, in the sense that if it hadn't happened, I would have still been stuck in that fake world, thinking it was all just me.

Thank you for your validation and encouragement.

[Teachings]

Teachings

People often see narcissists as those overt, obnoxious and obvious ***holes, who will put you down and criticize you to your face. Never helpful, kind or supportive.
And while some narcissists operate like that, my father was a lot more covert and tactical in getting his needs met. It took me 33 years to figure out what was going on, and even now i'm only just scratching the surface. I'm beginning to unravel his tactics and understand why it looked so nice on the surface, but wreaked havoc underneath.

I often wondered why I  felt so awkward, subdued and on my toes around my father. Why was I scared, why didn't I trust him, why didn't I feel safe even though it really did seem that he was a typical loving and supportive father? I thought it was my fault, that I was ungrateful, insecure, that I had trust issues...I even went so far as to accuse myself of setting my father up to fail, just so that I could be mad at him. I felt horribly guilty about it, and outwardly did all that I could to counteract that.  I trusted him and let him in, even when my gut said that I shouldn't. You're supposed to trust your parents, after all. Right?

Recently, I was wondering why I always felt so ill prepared to handle (adult) life, despite my fathers "love and support" and wise lessons. In my adolescent years, these fears led to depression, self harm, eating disorders and suicidal ideation. In retrospect, all a means to hide from the responsibility for a life that I felt ill equipped for. It brought me back to the way my father would go about teaching or helping me.

My father would "teach me things". Though he rarely would actually teach me what I needed to know. For him, teaching was more of an opportunity to showcase how good he was. I would generally leave the situation feeling more insecure and frustrated than I did before his help. And he would never do this in an overtly mean or derogatory way. Quite the opposite. Which made it very hard for me to put my finger on what (or whom) the problem was.

However excited, nervous or insecure I was, he would always start by offering to teach me what I wanted or needed to know. He would assure me that it was really easy, and he'd be with me every step of the way. Then he would demonstrate. And he would do this so quickly or vaguely that I couldn't really figure out what he had done. He would then look at me with this weird goofy smile, as if to say, "Tadaaaa, did you see how good I am?"

I would ask him to repeat it, but slower this time. And he would do the exact same thing, maybe a little slower, but skipping steps or making it vague. I was none the wiser. He would then ask me to try it, and if I hesitated, he'd reassure me once again how incredibly easy it was. I just needed to have faith in myself. So I swallowed my insecurity and gave it my best shot...and failed miserably.

My frustration would increase as i'd ask my father to repeat the process again. He would stay nice, but by now he was barely able to hide his own impatience. He would slow it down in a condescending way, and I would feel the tension under his plastered smile. I began to think that it was my fault. Maybe I was just stupid, or too insecure, like he always said. Why else would I need so much extra help?

Usually, this is where I would give up and pretend that I understood. I needed him to know that I wasn't really that stupid. And I didn't want him to explode, even though i'd hardly ever seen him do it. There was something about his unnatural calmness and rationality that scared the * out of me. It couldn't be his fault though, he was being so nice and helpful. And if this thing was really as easy as he made it look, I must be an idiot who was making way too big a deal out of it.

Sometimes i'd be feeling gutsy enough to ask him again. That's when his secret contempt would get the better of him. The more he "helped", the more frustrated we would both get. He wouldn't overtly say it, but his glances and sighs were like constant blows to my stomach. On one occasion, he eventually threw his hands in the air and yelled: "Are you kidding me? Are you doing this on purpose? Are you just pretending to be a complete moron?"

After that, he would throw me in the deep end. I would find myself in a situation where I had to do the thing, and I felt like I should know how, but in reality I didn't. Whether he was watching or not, I could feel him judging me. The confusing thing was that if nobody else was looking, I felt that he needed me to fail in order to feel better about himself. But if others were watching us, I knew I had to perform. Because in public, he liked to show me off, and failing would make him look bad. Often, he would praise me and show me off in front of others to a point where I felt increadibly uncomfortable, only to ignore or criticize my actions when we got home. Finding that balance was like walking a tightrope.

What I learned from my father, was to never to let anyone to find out that I lacked a certain skill or piece of knowledge. So i'd avoid things, run away, bluff my way out, anything to avoid showing my incompetence or having to ask for help. I became a master in figuring things out for myself, keeping my eyes and ears open at all times to pick up missing information from others without having to ask. If I did something, I had to do it right the first time, and make it look easy. I lived in a constant state of terror, as though I was an imposter amongst all these people who knew what they were doing. I was afraid i'd be found out, ridiculed and cast out.

I adapted myself to observe and learn quickly, thus making me as independent as possible. I didn't want to need anyone. Yet the constant anxiety simultaneously kept me tethered to my father. I was unknowingly under his control. I felt like I needed him, because I couldn't handle this big scary world without his support to fall back on. I felt helpless, being so ignorant about the ways of the world and yet not being allowed to make mistakes or ask for help. I felt paralyzed, and his 'support' was the medicine that I kept taking, believing that it was helping me while it was actually what was paralyzing me in the first place.

An example that still fresh in my memory. Two years ago, my father convinced me to quit my job, start my own business and work together with him.
Although I never wanted to be a full-time entrepreneur and I had told him this on numerous accounts, he eventually wore down my objections and lured me in. He told me to trust him, he'd done it all before, it was easy as pie and he'd support me all the way. I asked him to help me formulate a business plan, and especially a financial plan. So one evening, I drove an hour out to his house and sat at the table with him, nervous and excited, hoping to get some things planned out. I was freaking out at the idea, because I had no idea how all this worked. We spent about three hours at the table, and I went home with hardly five words on paper. We'd talked, alright. But somehow all my questions were never quite answered. He would start to answer, say something like "Oh, simple, you just do this..." and then digress into a different subject, or a vague word-vomit that I couldn't make any sense of. He told me not to worry, that it wasn't all that complicated and that I had all the info I needed. I was not at all reassured, but I felt like my need for details, plans and information were starting to annoy him. So I figured maybe I was making too big a deal out of it, and I should just trust the process and dive in. Which is exactly what I did.

No sooner had I quit my job, and my father sent me a text message asking me if I had a financial plan yet. I told him no, nothing other than we had put on paper together (which consisted of: how much I wanted to make, and how many clients I needed for that). He suddenly got very stern with me, and told me that it was a very important part of business, and I needed to sort all that out as soon as possible. He even suggested I quit my second freelance job (my only source of a little income at the time) so that i'd have more time to work with him. At first I thought he was joking, or testing me. After all, previously he wanted me to let go and just jump. Maybe he wanted to see if I was really as strong, resilient and secure as he wanted me to be. So I responded almost jokingly, that I'd work it out as I went along. I was sure that this was what he wanted to hear. I was wrong. He responded that he was willing to help, but that he didn't want me to be dependent on him. He said that quitting my job had been my own choice, and that it was my responsibility to do everything within my power to make my business work out. He said that if I didn't work out that plan, I could not come crying to him if everything went to sh*t.

I was absolutely flabbergasted, as this was the complete opposite from the breeziness he'd shown when we were sitting at the table discussing my future plans. My gut told me that I had made a terrible mistake, and yet I pushed on. Two months later, I'll spare you the details, but everything fell apart. This was the beginning of the end, in terms of our relationship. It took only a few more straws on my back, to make it clear that I needed to get out.

In the end, it took removing him from my life and travelling across the world on my own, to discover that I don't need him as much as I thought I did. It took leaving him behind to discover that he was the one that was sick. I dicovered that I have the power, the right and the ability to live my own life, think my own thoughts, feel my feelings, meet my needs and set my own boundaries. It's a long, tiring and scary process, but i'm doing it scared and it's more than worth it.

Thanks Rainy & Armadillo,

It's interesting isn't it, how things manifest themselves in the body. It's no fun to experience, but it's helpful information from you to you.

On a brighter note, I had my first unofficial day at my new job this week. It was a parent-teacher info evening, in preparation of the new academic year. I got to meet my new class and get to know them. It was pretty informal and it went well, I feel really welcome there even though I don't start until the end of august. It's good to know i'll be getting on with my life, and in a better place.

Pffff...I've been vaguely nauseous for a few days now, occasional bouts of dizziness and sometimes palpitations, diarrhoea, the works. I do have IBS and  stress is obviously a trigger, but usually those episodes are much easier to define. So I thought maybe I had eaten something bad, until I noticed the tightening of my stomach every time I remember that I have to go to work tomorrow, and for three more weeks before I leave there. Three weeks doesn't sound like much at all, but if it means feeling like this every time, it's going to be a long three weeks. I think the fact that it's fathers day (second one since going NC) doesn't help either. I need to relax...

That's Armadillo and Sage. Yeah, it's probably a combination of all those things. It's such a weird place to be in, though. Seeing it everywhere and not knowing how to place it..

This week has been all over the place. I suppose you could say i've been practicing with conflict. And i'm not just talking about the issue with my boss.
For me, any form of conflict however small is a massive trigger. I normally avoid it at whatever cost. But for some reason, this week i've been encountering all kinds of these little things where i'll just try to push my own limit. Say something I normally wouldn't, not placate where I normally would, whatever. I'm not sure if this is coincidence, that i'm just suddenly overwhelmed with little fires this week, or that i'm (sub)conciously choosing to do more of it now that the cat's out of the bag. Sort of like exposure. The problem though, is, that even though I can rationalise that there isn't really a problem, I do constantly feel the physical ramnifications of said conflict. I'm constantly shaky, my guts are all over the place, I feel zoned out today, and I have EF's that send me back into thinking of death just to escape, because "if life means having to feel like this so often, which is enevitable since conflict is enevitable if you live with other humans on the planet, then I can't do it...it's too hard, I should just end it". I know that those thoughts are part of the EF, but it still feels crappy.

This afternoon a colleague texted me for help with a technical issue that I couldn't help her with, and I joked "I don't know, but then again, i'm not the customer service, call them". Then I immidiately felt like I was shooting out into space and my gut clenched, because I was scared that i'd been too spicy and that she would not want to be around me anymore after this.

This evening my facebook feed showed me a comment that my aunt (I never see her anymore, she divorced my uncle after cheating on him) left under an article by someone talking about her body-image troubles. The comment was rather crude, and it hurt to read, considering my own history with ED's. So I responded in still a very friendly way, with a little explanation as to what the person in the article was mentally going through. She responded yet again, claiming that this girl just wanted attention at that she shouldn't post it she didn't want to be criticized.
So I told her we'd have to agree to disagree, and I decided to remove her from my friends. Not to spite her, but so that I wouldn't constantly get updates about other comments she may leave (because if this is how she talks to people online, well, there's going to be more). She immidiately responded with "Oh, that's your solution? Unfriending me?", and I said "Nothing personal, this is a painful matter to me, and I'm just making sure I protect my health by removing  such things that can end up in my feed." Then she left another nasty message, removed said message, and then blocked me altogether. Now, I know this says more about her than about me. And I also know i'll probably never see her again anyway. But part of me is terrified that she will tell other people about this, and turn them against me. My cousins for example. Even though they can think for themselves, and may even also see that she herself was being mean.
It's just that, my father and his emotional blackmail and his smear campaigns, plus years of bullying by peers, have imprinted in my brain that even if I don't mind that a particular person doesn't like me, it's still a disaster since they will turn others against me and i'll end up alone again.

Then a few minutes ago I got an email from a client who was angry about me cancelling  a workshop (an email that I sent her over a month ago, and she isn't responding until now, all disappointed that I "kept her in the dark" (what dark, we're all in the same pandemic) and that she "didnt know if she'd ever get her money back" (I literally asked her for her info, and told her i'd get it back to her, although it may take a little while since I don't have any income at the moment). Rationally I understand her frustration, and I also feel that she's exaggerating a bit.
And also, I have already closed my business and i'm starting a new job. So from a business perspective, I don't even have to worry about bad reviews or whatever.
But part of me is still shaking at the fact that she now has a bad opinion of me.

I shouldn't care so much how people view me. And one half of me doesn't, but the other half is constantly scared to death. I suppose it's good that i'm challenging this whole issue with conflict and boundaries, as it will make me better at being authentic and sticking up for myself in the future. But sometimes it makes me so sad that I am needing to do this in the first place.
And I don't want to feel so scared all the time.

Are there really that many narcissists and/or toxic people in the world, or do I just think i'm seeing them everywhere?

Ever since I found out about my NF and went no contact, i've been seeing them everywhere. In past and current relationships, work, the world in general. Maybe I see it now that I'm aware. Maybe I just happen to have attracted these people before I became aware. Maybe there really are that many. Or maybe I just think i'm seeing them everywhere since I'm still walking around with a open wound.
Is it just me?

Sounds good, Rain. You go!