Angry about the salvation fantasy

[Cascade]

I'm so angry and resentful about the salvation fantasy.  Why does everyone have to lie?  Just do your therapy (like a good girl) and everything will be fine.  Bull.
There is no healing.
There is only pain -- in its various degrees and forms.
There is no hope of a normal life with love and relationships.  I don't get that.  I'm too damaged.  I have to fake everything just to get through the business of daily life.  Why bother?
I'm not even living.  I exist.  I'm supposed to re-parent myself beyond all the points of arrested development that I missed?!  Right.  Just do that and everything will be fine.  Bull.
Healing feels so impossible.
Parents betray.
Therapists betray.
Society betrays.
It's all such bull.

I think healing is reserved for an elite few who have some magical resources that I'll never have:  money, supportive people, others who can take care of them when they can't care for themselves.
I'll always be poor, alone, and stuck in the labyrinth of confusion, despair, and pain.  Healing is the fantasy.  I'm so tired of the layers of the onion and spirals of the staircase.  Those analogies just mean the pain will never end.

[Blueberry]

I'm so tired of the layers of the onion and spirals of the staircase.  Those analogies just mean the pain will never end.

Cascade, I soooo get this, I so understand it. I've been in a good phase for about a week which is something to celebrate so you can imagine my life is full of EFs and exhaustion and difficulty and onion layers and backward steps...

I'm sorry you feel so alone or are in fact completely alone. Having money certainly helps - you can pay for private therapy or even for people to help you out (I've had a friend clean for me, can get my bike repaired w/o doing it myself, can afford to get the bus somewhere instead of forcing myself to cycle when I'm far too exhausted/unwell etc.)

I'm feeling relieved that you've been able to write your anger and frustration out. We can do that here, even if nobody irl wants to listen or is even capable of comprehension. I'm sending compassion.

I'll always be ... stuck in the labyrinth of confusion, despair, and pain.  Healing is the fantasy. 

From what I read, most mbrs who actually write on the forum experience some level of healing and relief from the dire effects of cptsd, but not all the time. Elphanigh is a mbr I can think of who has achieved phenomenal healing, I don't think I will ever reach that, but I'm no longer always stuck in despair and pain. You might be in a huge EF rn because they feel as if things will never ever get better or lighter, not even by 5%.

All the best to you and as much energy as you can take on board atm from OOTS. Gentle safe if they feel good, if not, ignore.

[Kizzie]

Hey Cascade, I totally understand your anger. I think if most people are being honest they would say they have similar feelings or at least have had them from time to time.  I know I have. It galls me to my core that we often have to pay out of pocket for expensive treatment if we can find it in the first place. I was injured at the hands of someone else and now I am spending a lot of my time and money trying to get to a place where I am not depressed and anxious so much of the time. So I get it.

I will say that being here at OOTS is not just about support, it's also about coming together so that collectively we can push for access to affordable treatment options, and to more support and services. For example, a small group of us here are writing a book about Complex Relational Trauma, telling our stories to raise awareness of just how many of us there are, how much is lacking to help us, and what we need, want and deserve. To my knowledge it's the first book to do this.

I also know there are many clinicians and researchers pushing from the top down to help us. I am working with two   universities on a project to promote the inclusion of Complex Trauma in medical and mental health programs. Surprisingly, most professionals are not yet educated and trained about Complex Trauma. There are many more projects in the works and ongoing research so we're not drifting out here as alone as we once were. 

I hope this gives you some sense of hope, if not for immediate relief then for the near future. 

[Cascade]

Thanks, Blueberry and Kizzie, for all your compassion and support.  Received! 

Yep, I'm definitely still in the EF that started on March 1 and prompted me to quit my job.  I'm not sure where I'd be without OOTS.  I thought after reading Pete Walker's book that I'd accepted the reality of my future, in that this will be a lifelong battle.  The anger hit and I wasn't sure what to do with it.  Thanks for letting me vent.

Blueberry, congrats on your week of a good phase!  I wish you continued success.

Kizzie, your research and book-writing sounds awesome.  Thanks for all you do.

As far as acceptance, maybe I've only accepted that the outcome of my healing work will be a different life than what I wanted, expected, and worked for.  I don't know what it will look like, but I do understand (cognitively) that it will be different from what others without these experiences get to enjoy.  Maybe I was angry about having to do the emotional work in order to get to that life, whatever it turns out to be.  I just want to be living the healed life and am angry about feeling that I can't get there because I'm in an EF.  Picking myself up by the bootstraps -- yet again -- feels so daunting.  But maybe with eyes wide open about realistic expectations (instead of a salvation fantasy), I could take some more first steps soon.


  -Cascade

[Kizzie]

We so get how you're feeling Cascade and it's perfectly fine and understandable that you are angry.  Hope a group hug is OK