Out of the Storm

Hi there  :wave:

I was diagnosed with c-ptsd and happy to find this platform.
It is nice to know that I am not alone with the symptoms.

Hi ET!   Welcome to the OOTS forum.

And yes, you are not alone.   There are actually a ton of people with CPTSD, and they simply do not know it.

Please do read through the "Welcome" above the "Introductions."   I am fairly new here myself, but it is a warm and friendly forum with everyone on the path to healing.

I am glad you are joining us.     :bighug:

Rain

Hi ET, pleased to meet you. I hope you'll like it here.

Thank you for the friendly wellcome. :bighug:
I always thought that what happend to me left no damage but some how it did.
I spend my first two years of my Life in an orphanage. I was then adopted
but my adoptive mother would have been happier without me and my adoptive
father who wanted me in the family became alcoholic which did not really
help our family life. After leaving the family things were going well.
The Symptomen of c PTSD were there but since I always had
them I thought it was normal. With time they were no longer so strong.
Till 9 years ago when my husband began to drink a lot and began to become
aggressive verbally and physically . 5 years ago when I no longer could
take it ( especially in the interest of my daughter) I got separated.
2 months later he commited suicide blaming me for it.
All this made my symptomes appear again quite strong ( causing me to lose
my job).
In my outer life I have managed to get back on my feet but my inner life
is quite a mess. So it is comforting to know my symptoms are not because
I am crazy but they are due to the c PTSD I have.

Oh, ET ...I am glad you are here at the forum, in a safe supportive place.  Are you working with a therapist at this time?  Do you have a "family of choice" (FOC) ...friends, etc. to also support you?   How is your daughter doing?

You do not need me to tell you that you have had a tough Journey.   I am sorry for your many, deep, and varied losses, which does potentially add up to CPTSD.   Hard to imagine not coming out of that without "wounds."

You most likely had quite normal reactions to many abnormal situations.   No, not crazy ...you are surviving, hopefully moving to thriving in your life.

Have you read, or heard of Pete Walker's book, CPTSD: Surviving to Thriving?   It is a roadmap many of us use here.   His web site, www.pete-walker.com also has many articles (which are also in the book) to assist you.

Welcome again, ET!    :wave:

Oh wow. I'm so sorry to hear this. You had such a hard time of it. Kudos to you for taking such a difficult step in the interests of your daughter.

QuoteThe Symptomen of c PTSD were there but since I always had them I thought it was normal.

Same here. I was really glad when I realized I had CPTSD, for that very reason. Always having to assume that this is what the world is like, and this is what I'm like, that was the pits. It seemed so unshiftable. But CPTSD can be finagled to where you can lead a good, rich life. Or so I'm told. It does get better, I think.

Hi ET and welcome  :wave:

My heart goes out to you for all the trauma and suffering you have endured.  A friend of mine spent the first two years of life in an orphanage - she was able to do inner-child work around her infancy and the healing she experienced was remarkable.  I'm glad you are here.  I hope you find comfort and healing. 

Hi and welcome ET, glad you found your way to us and I am so sorry for all that you have gone through.  :hug:

It is somewhat of a relief to know that what we are feeling and how we behave is due to CPTSD rather than that we are somehow defective or crazy or broken in some way.  CPTSD is an injury that is treatable and that is hopeful I totally agree. 

Thanks for all the sympathy  :hug:
To your question Rain:  I am in Therapie again.  I was at the age of 16 already
in treatment against the will of my mother she found that there was no reason
to go get help so I went without her knowing and I think it saved my life.
But what was really hard was that the inner child got very very attached to the therapist
when I had to leave  to do my studies 250 km away it really really hurt.
Since then I tried to avoid to get help it was to scary and painfull but when that happend
with my husband I know all alone it would be very hard. But it is scary because the inner child
got attached again.

I am really happy that my daughter is doing good, the first 2 years she was always scared that something could Happen to me. But with therapie she got over it. Due to the fact that she had
no good relationship with her father she does not miss him. We are a good Team together.

I have been very lucky and found a very nice and new partner.
But to your question Rain: I have a great daughter and kind partner.
But already since very small I am unable to tell people what is not okay.
It is to scary and it would be very difficult to explain. The active part is scared
that the inner parts would interfere which they do during therapie but there it is okay.
But it would not be good if they start interfering in my activ live to often ( they do from time to time
and I try my best that no one notices)
It feels like being an imposter but for the moment I am not able to do otherwise.

It feels good to be able to write all this down to people who can understand thank you.
Rain thanks for the information about the book I will try an get it.

Take care
ET

Thank you for sharing, ET.   What a Journey you have had.

I am glad you are in therapy now for the direct guidance.   How lovely your daughter is recovering, and that you have a new partner.

Isn't it good to write it down and share?   As to what you wrote on feeling like an imposter, there is a "Does anyone else feel like an 'imposter' sometimes?" topic that keepfighting started in the "CPTSD - General Discussion" which you might want to read.

Please feel free to post and share.   Again, welcome to the OOTS forum.

:bighug:

I am new to the group too ET. Glad to see all these newcomers, and that this group is continually very active! Living with CPTSD is hard, but it's a little easier with support, in real life and online. :) Glad you are here.

ET, glad to hear that things got better for you. I agree, sometimes we have to just choose the lesser of two evils. Recovery takes time.

I'm beginning to suspect that most of us spend SO much energy simply coping with their symptoms and with normal life. So it's not like we've got these ginormous reserves of energy left. I know that I personally get stressed and burnt out quite quickly these days. It would surprise me if I were alone in this. And tackling some of the bigger problems in one go is risky. If we fail, or if we have flashback, that drains us of energy - energy we don't really have. Then what? Not that we should NEVER take risks, just - if people choose to take it slow, I can really relate.I had a time when I wanted to fix everything NOW NOW NOW, but then that only burnt me out. When I gave myself permission to pick my battles and tackle only a few things in bitesize chunks, my life got so much better. True, sometimes we need to tackle our problems in a flying leap - but kind of sidling up to them and gently nudging at them, that's also a valid strategy. The wisdom probably lies in knowing when to do what. But I've heard and read several times now that we have an instinctive knowledge of this.

So I think you should give yourself credit for listening to your inner voice.  :cheer:

Hi Thank for all your responses and encouragement
and advise  :thumbup:
It feels good to be here  :hug:
Take care
ET

You got some very NICE replies.. so I do not have much to say..I just wanted to tell You I had 2 brothers who committed suicide so I understand that component of YOUR PAIN! :hug:

Hi you cannot know what it means to find this forum. I have had treatment resistant major depression for 14 years, but from the start I insisted I was also suffering from PTSD. NO ONE WOULD LISTEN. Tonight I was up all night and found my diagnosis: abandonment depression with c-ptsd. Happy to meet you all 😊

Hi Knewit714! I think I know what you mean - I've been trying to "fix my problems" for the past thirty years, and it's such a relief to finally have found an explanation that fits all the available facts. It feels bizarre to read a description of CPTSD and go "oh YAY!", because CPTSD is the pits. But it's just so good to finally know where I'm at. After all, no one can fix any problem unless they first know what the problem is.

So, welcome, and I hope you'll find this place helpful.

Hi there, KnewIt714 and welcome to the forum.

I hope you get some  :zzz:  now that you figured it out!!   It is a long time coming for the field to grasp trauma.

In your all-nighter research, did you find Pete Walker's web site, www.pete-walker.com?   He has many excellent articles, many of which are from his second book, CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.   Many of us here use his book as a road map out of the CPTSD!

Say KnewIt714, can you start an Introduction about yourself, so we can get to know you?   We will be happy to hear ...and believe ...that you have PTSD, a complex version.   :yes:

Please read Kizzie's Welcome post, and read away as you likely find yourself in the words here at the forum.

:hug:

Dear badmemories
I am sorry to read that you lost 2 brothers that way.
It must be really  hard for you.
Thanks for telling me.
Take care
ET

Nobody blamed Me for their suicides.. I blamed Myself! I think that that is even harder to deal with. AT the time I did not know about suicide and My one brother said he was going to commit suicide. I did not knoww hat to do with his statement, and I tried to call him afterwards and could not get a hold of him. He had passed already! I was the glue that held My family together and planned the funeral and all that because no one had the strength to do it! I blamed My self for years... I don't any longer. I still tear up about it... I actually think I still grieve...

lately I have thought about it as a choice G-d gives us when things get so bad that we can't get ourselves together.  A way out of sorts...I could never believe it is a sin like some religions believe. How could it be a sin when You are so hurting that your mind is not right and then That seems like the only option? G-d to me is bigger than all that... I think He judges Us knowing what each one of us has been through and the mental pain we have been through!  :yes: :yes:

Hi Badmemories
I feel guilty and also blame myself for his
death. When we found his letter he left I hoped to
find reconciliation but it was everything but that and he
blamed me for it. The idear that he must have hated me so much
to kill himself ist not easy to digest
For the left behind it is not easy when someone takes his life.,but I hope
that time will heal our wounds.

Oh my words. How could he do this to you? I've had suicidal thoughts myself, and I'm very sure that no one kills themselves simply to spite someone else. There are always other reasons. Maybe he was hurting so bad from the other things going on in his life that he... I don't even know... people do the weirdest, stupidest things when they're hurting, including wanting to make others feel as bad as they feel, and lashing out at them. But don't accept the blame. There's no way that this is true.

All the best, ET. I hope too that time will heal your wounds.

ET wrote:
When we found his letter he left I hoped to
find reconciliation but it was everything but that and he
blamed me for it. The idea that he must have hated me so much
to kill himself ist not easy to digest

No ET no matter what he said It is nobodies fault but his own! Me, I think of suicide as a button that G-D gives us to bail out of life, when life gets to bad. He bailed out.. no more no less...I have been there before.

At One point after My brothers committed suicide I also thought about it. In fact the way it worked for me is that I felt like I was in a river getting carried away by some force other than MY own. It was like My mind was in control and My body was just listening to the voice.  I was just getting carried away by the river and I did not have much control. I was severely depressed. I had no hope that life would ever get better for me. The voice inside me kept pushing me. I know this might sound corny or what ever... but as a Christian I began to pray. I pleaded on the blood of Christ... I begged him to make the voice go away!. Actually I was scared of Myself! Soon the voice went away. I tried real hard to keep busy... to not think....not to hear the voice that I was hearing....I did not go through with the thought that MY mind was entertaining...

So, this why I understand how it works. There is No way that anybody who goes through with suicide can blame anyone else! He might have been mad at You and wrote the note to reflect that...to get even at You for any perceived problem that he FELT You had caused. You did not make it happen though. Everyone is responsible for their own life. The only way we could be responsible is IF we were G-D. G-D does not give us the choice over the lives of others only the choice to end OUR OWN life. ( i guess IF we were killers maybe, but most people are not killers) It is the relief valve that we choose on our own. HE CHOSE TO DIE! 

I am kind of an odd man out as far as religion goes.. I truly believe in reincarnation. My brother had his son ... and his son is exactly like his twin brother that committed suicide. mannerisms, everything,,, My nephew always says he is so close to his dad that they could be brothers. He even looks like his twin. My son... He is exactly like My other brother. Honestly it it like he is My mothers other child. He has always been close to My Mother. She does not particularly believe in reincarnation but she admits that they have a bond just like he was her son. She Never babysat for him or any of the things that would make her bond to her. My Son has the same personality as My brother had....It just is....

Anyway I apologize ahead IF I insulted any beliefs anyone Has...I only wanted to tell how I feel about it.... Hopefully the years of pain that I have felt and worked through can help someone else.

Keep on keeping on!