Messages

Notalone and Blueberry:
Thank you for responding to my post!
And yes, I have felt some of my smallest,  most vulnerable and frightened parts come to the surface at very inconvenient times too... it's terribly humiliating!
Anyways, I'm glad I'm not a total freak, that other people actually knows what I'm talking about!

I don't know for sure, but I do think it might have something to do with the body always being on high alert, and in a state of unrest when you have CPTSD. I too find my legs being bouncy from time to time, especially if I'm particularly anxious about something, or in triggering situations.
The fact that valium/diazepam (don't know if that's the name of the medicine in other countries) helps with the restlessness in my legs, I take that as a sign that my nervous system is the cause of it. It can be seen as a fight/flight response I guess.

I also get this tingling and numb sensation in my legs and arms when I feel overwhelmed. My therapist says it's because my brain "switch off" my body in order for me to cope with the situation. I've probably done this most of my life without knowing it.
This is more of a freeze response.
Like I said, I wouldn't know for sure. I'm not a therapist of any kind, but I've read a bit about it, and to me it sounds logical.
Don't know if this made sense...

Woodsgnome;
"It's like a cloud moving aside for the blue sky that was always also there."
Such a descriptive picture of the experience! That's exactly what it felt like. Deep down I know that I know that I know I'm a confident, resourceful, kind and emphatetic person. But that person have vanished these last years, only leaving me with petrified, fragile, shy parts with absolutely no self esteem or feeling of worth. Guess that's why this part now felt so alienated to me..
"It is normal but scary if you've never experienced this before. Just my opinion, but it can be a good sign that you're able to rise above all the junk you've internalized from others.  This just shows that, inside, you're a strong and wonderful person; free to be you."
Thank you so much for this! And for the hug! Appreciate you and your insight! Sending a hug back! 

I experienced something today that felt really weired...
I started in a form of self-help group for people with same kind of challanges I have.
When it was my turn to say something I seemed very confident, and well articulated. It was like I was totally on top of the situation. After I while I felt like "who is this?" Like... I know I do have a confident part... a part that has always relayed on intellectualization. But it felt so alien to me...
Now other very fragile and scared parts are acting up, cause they are afraid to be perceived as being more well than what they actually are. Why that is such a scary thing I have no idea! 
Can anyone relate to this?

Hi Saylor!
I'll try to answer your questions;
- NC with abusive father. (I love my mum, and understand she was not purposely neglecting me as a child. She was just trying to survive.)

- Having a relationship with my father is impossible. I get mentally, emotionally and physically ill when I'm around him. He is very manipulative, angry and frightening on so many levels. Always have to be on high alert when he is around.

- He defenetly doesn't understand why anyone would have anything against him. Nothing is ever his fault. Earlier in my life, I sent him a letter trying to explain things. As expected, he got angry. After that I was  not his daughter anymore, according to him. He's been rejecting me ever since. In the early seventies he was diagnosed as a psychopath.

- Don't think anything he could have done or said now would change anything. He is a sick old man, screwed up by childhood trauma too. I actually really feel for him, cause his childhood was so much worse than mine.

I think I'll stop here.

Good luck on your project! 

Hi Bermuda!
I'm really sorry I never got back to you on this... Normally I would, so I don't know why. Maybe the good old brainfog thing... 
I really follow you on the urge to actually scream it out for people to finally understand that something is wrong! I am and feel wrong! In the core of my being. Damaged beyond repair!
I know that's not the truth... it can get a  whole lot better. But that's how it feels. Other people only see the facade, which is a form of coping mechanism, I guess....
Anyways, I stil struggle with confusion, but not to the same degree as when I wrote this post. I do find more peace about what has truly happened to me and the consequences I face because of it.
Hope that's how it is for you too...

I know this is an old thread, I just wanted to say that I know exactly what you mean by the intense pain being nowhere and everywhere. That's a good way to put it. I guess that is how despair feels like! No wonder every cell in the body freak out, when one is in utter despair! I think the body believes it is dying! That is certainly how it feels like! The intensity is mind-blowing!
Hope you are doing OK now!

Alter-eg0;
If you only knew how much I needed to read this!!
I'm in the exact same situation with my dog! Been feeling so bad, cause I know I reject her. Not all the time I have to say... I take her for walks several times a day, give her all the food she needs, give her cuddles and play with her. I just can't cope with all the attention she wants from me. It's like whatever I do give her is never enough or good enough. Parts of the day I just need my space! These last couple of days she has started to reject me too! And that scares me.....
I am so freaking scared I'm gonna mess up this little beauty. She deserves so much more! I've had her for 4 months now...
and yes... I'm also really scared of being judged as a terrible pet-owner.

Your post made me feel hopeful though! I hope I can have a dream like you, that will fix the attachment between us,  and I hope it won't take a year! We need it!
Thank you for this!

Bluepalm; My heart goes out to you! Reading about your experience, really made me feel at least some of the pain you've endured for the most of your life! You really explain the sensation of skin-hunger in a very accurate way. I could relate to your description of it. I'm also happy to hear that you have been able to put away any feeling of shame about how you feel.  It does make total sense, that one would crave touch, when it wasn't given at the most crucial time in our life. Babies do die of touch deprivation, so it is basically just as important as food to stay alive...
Weird thing though... this seems to be quite understandable for me when it comes to everyone else, just not for myself... for some reason..
I really appreciate you sharing your experience with me.
Sending you a hug.... if it's ok with you! 

Woodsgnome.. Thank you so much for that! It's very obvious you have been reflecting a lot on this issue, and I very much agree.
I think as survivors we are very vulnerable to be stuck in that roaring waterfall of thoughts, ideas and information in general. We haven't been taught how to regulate, which affects much more than "just" feelings.
We have not been taught how to discern our thoughts in a healthy way.
Like you wrote, I also think it is the cause of a lot of our confusion, contradiction and sense of panic.

You are very good with words, Woodsgnome. I love when I get new ways to look upon something, and new perspectives.

Hmm... I find your post very interesting, Goblinchild.
I've defenetly felt the same way about not wanting to fix those overwhelming feelings of hopelessness and despair. But why it's like that for me, I'm not sure... It could be the fact that it is an absolutly daunting task to fix it, and I just don't have the energy or stamina for it.
It could also be that I'm used to push every feeling away, cause it's "bad", and I don't want that anymore. The experience called Life, is so much more than happy clappy feelings. If you take away every "bad" feeling, you basically take away the possibility to have some depth in your life, gain understanding and see the true beauty of it. No where  is light any brighter than in utter darkness... I know this sounds really stupid for a person consumed by darkness... I've been there, so I know..
But I believe it's true.
I've also felt that the thought of not wanting to fix it, stem from one of my parts that are like this rebellious, defiant 3 year old! She has no intention what so ever to change anything.
It can also be very anxiety provoking for me to even think the though of "change", so that may also be a reason I don't want to face any change...

The fact that a survivor's brain is neurologically changed, and we have these "pathways" that set us up for hopelessness and despair, makes me think it doesn't have to be like that. The work it requires will be well worth it in the end. I feel it's not fair, in a sense, for me to stay in these old patterns. I don't deserve it! It's like my abuser then stil have power over me if I don't change it. There is a better life for me if I'm able to change these pathways.

Reflecting on things like this is really important. I think I've come to realise that I really do want to live my life with less hopelessness, and being able to expect good things to happen in my life.  I've come to realise that for that to happen, I need to sit with every feeling that comes to the surface. So... I don't want to "fix" it... just give hopelessness the space it needs, and then put it in it's right place, and not let it consume me...

And then...writing this I feel fake, cause  when I'm in an EF, all reason,  logic, and reflection is gone, and I'm back to square one...

Anyway... I apologise if it didn't make any sense. I don't have the same vocabulary in english as in my native language, which is frustrating when I want to explain something.
I guess I just wanted to say I've been thinking about the same things as you.

Hi Alter-eg0!
I don't have too much to say, other than I think intrusive thoughts are quite common in CPTSD. Also common to some degree for most people I think. I also experience quite scary and terrible thoughts, especially when I'm already triggered in some way. I don't feel ready to share what they are about though... Just wanted to tell you you are not alone, and I agree that they are just thoughts.
Sorry you only recieved judgement the first time you opened up about it.

Hi Pioneer!
Thank you for writing this post. I think it's so important to get som balance into our perspective of things, especially since we (at least I) tend to see things very black and white. During any EF, big or small, there is just no such thing as anything positive. Just hopelessness and doom.
I agree to what you have written to. Even though I find it difficult to see those strengths in my self.

Welcome, Marti325! 
Good to have you here!
Hope this place will provide you with support on your journey, and fellow survivors to talk to. It's a relief really to talk to others in here, cause we all know what CPTSD is all about.
I struggle with relational trauma too. It's painful.

I think when we (CPTSD survivors) have an episode, like EF's, we cannot enter our rational mind. Emotional processing and responses happens deeper in the brain, and when we have experienced trauma, our brains get stuck there during an episode. This explanation is obviously simplified. But reading about neurological development, especially in context of trauma, will answer your question.

There is defenetly a reason why we cannot cope with any type of stress, and finding it hard to complete or master anything during an episode.
CPTSD is a neurological issue as much as anything else. Our nervesystem is deeply affected and damaged from the constant influence of stress-hormones growing up. To me it sometimes feel like my brain is burned or something. All sensory input etc just feels like to much. Like when you burn your skin, and the slightest touch is really painful. Or when a fuse shuts down... nothing (in my brain) works...
I totally get why this was difficult for you!