New and not wanting to feel alone - trying to connect but fearing it.

[Laila]

Hi, im new here and quite nervous about posting a message, but really dont want to feel alone anymore.  I want to connect with people however exposing deeper parts of myself is triggering (when i express both pain and joy).

I grew up in a very emotionally abusive environment.  I find that this impacts my life consistently - i frequently feel inner torture - and fear the how i am perceived.  I presume people don't like me and think all the horrible things my mum used to tell me i was.  The behaviour of others would suggest they do like me, yet I still don't feel accepted.

I was also sexually abused at quite a young age and again in my teens.  This also causes difficulties and triggers when I try to form deeper connections with others.  Any attempt in connecting with others in a way that I would find meaningful throws me into turmoil.

I grew up in a violent environment (my sibling tried to kill family members on many occassions). 

The good nights were those when no one else was at home.  I always felt emotionally abandoned but fantasised about being physically abandoned - although I am glad I wasn't.

I am seeing a T, but I am really struggling with it as i am frequently triggered by her in one way or another - which I believe is to do with me rather than her skills as a therapist.  However, I don't really know what to expect from her as a T or how she can help, I think I would be a very difficult client.  Has anyone had overcome points of being feeling stuck in therapy?. I dont think i could handle changing therapist either.

Cptsd is hard and I can identify with many posts in the forums.  Thanks for reading my post and letting me share.

[Dee]

Welcome Laila,

I do feel less alone here, I hope you feel the same way.

Much of what you describe I can relate to.  Especially analyzing if others really do like you.  I think, it is a self-esteem issue.  Which of course, is a cptsd thing.

I think the best thing for you to do with your therapist is to let her do her job.  If you like her, and she is a good therapist, just go with it.  It is hard to share how you feel in that relationship but try to tell her.  If you can't, how about a letter to her.  Drop it off, mail it, let her read it while you are there, or give it to her on your way out.  What ever it takes.  This is how I have tackled all the issues I can't talk about.  Also, if you truly un-helpable, I doubt she would waste her time.  That is actually what my therapist told me when I felt the same way.  Sometimes I have to do things one day at a time and leave the next day open.  In seeing my therapist I sometimes only commit to going this time.  Then I do that again and again.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi Laila  and welcome to OOTS.

What a history you have had. I can relate to a lot you have experienced. especially the emotional abuse and the abandonment. Basically I feel best when being alone. But then I feel alone. Which isn't that great either.

I hope, wish and trust this site and community will provide you with a platform to share your experiences, both past and present, in a safe environment. We are committed to that, and our Guidelines for All Members and Guests are here to make sure we can provide safety to the best of our ability.

We do have a section specifically dealing with Therapy, therapists and our experiences with it, and them. Perhaps you'll find some threads and information that apply to your experiences at the moment while in therapy.

Welcome again,

Dutch Uncle.

[sanmagic7]

welcome, laila,

so glad you made it here.   i do hope it helps.  i've found it extremely supportive.

first, congrats on posting.  a new experience is usually frightening.   

second, being stuck in therapy - yes, i've been there.  what's helped me is talking to my therapist about it.   have you told your t about the triggering?  about feeling stuck?  asked about what to expect, or what your t can do for you?  i'm a therapist myself, and i would welcome those questions from a client.   i don't think it serves much purpose for a client to feel confused and unsure - it makes it more difficult to be able to get your story out, and for your t to do his/her job. 

you have lots of rights in the therapeutic relationship, including asking those kinds of questions, slowing things down if the pace is too fast, making decisions about what you want to talk about and how, and telling your t what you need from the relationship.  every good therapist will respect those rights and respect you. 

i hope you are able to continue sharing.   we're here for you.

[Laila]

Thank you for responding to my post.  It helps to feel less alone.

Perhaps this is not the best forum and best discussed in the therapy specific forum, however I did want to follow up on some responses.

I do tell my therapist about the triggers and struggles - however after months of freezing and not saying anything despite my determined in tensions, I reverted to writing (then what I wrote was excessive), &she thought unhelpful as I still struggled to talk.

Now I talk in parts but I intellectualise and explain within psychological terms/theories, analyse and draw connections between today and my childhood and avoid the emotions.

Consequently I spend 4-5 days following feeling tortured.  I feel a lot of love towards her and transference &longing in wanting her to meet my childhood needs etc (which I also think is impossible).  Often there is a fortnightly cycle where one week I am ok after addressing the triggers and thus feel connected &an attachment and the next week horrible. 

Because I often feel better 1-2days before my session, I don't think she really gets a feel for what is going on for me as I feel foolish and ashamed but seem ok - I don't tend to always bring up what I don't feel at that moment.

She has worked a lot on trying to make me feel safe and secure in sessions to talk about thinks - but I still can't get my head wrapped around the unevenness of the therapeutic relationship and what I perceive as a lack of relevance.  Furthermore, the expectations in my heart are beyond what is fair.

I want to explain/share what I remember of an early sexual abuse experience as my emotions triggered in therapy seem to be associated with this as it keeps triggering the limited memory that I have.  I have tried to talk once and I froze, I have never been able to share it with anyone (even in writing) and feel foolish for it.

Sorry this is probably a bit long and in the wrong forum.

[Three Roses]

Not too long, never too long. This is what we do for each other here - we bear witness to each others' pain when no one else did, we celebrate each others' accomplishments that are huge for us but other people may not "get", we'll listen to the same story as many times as you need to tell it.

Don't worry about where you put it, just let the conversation take its natural course. We're here for you! 

[sanmagic7]

i heard of someone who brought notes into therapy about what they wanted to talk about.  maybe that would help you bring up a subject from during the week.  does it help if your therapist asks questions or would you rather do the talking uninterrupted?   sometimes people feel more comfortable if they just answer questions, sometimes not.   that may be something to look at for yourself, and bring it up with your therapist.  if writing a letter ends up to be too long, notes might be more manageable for both of you.

i don't care how much you write - i think writing helps free thoughts and bring things to light more clearly.  i often get a lightbulb aha! moment when writing.  this has been a good place to do that.  journaling has also helped me a lot, to clarify, examine, explore, and realize - but most of all to get it out of me and onto somewhere else so i can see what it looks like outside myself.  or just to be able to get rid of it!

the therapeutic process isn't always a straight line, just like recovery isn't.  sometimes it's a step or two forward, then you feel like you've backed up into old territory, then forward again.   but, it is a process, which means it takes time.  those transference feelings are normal, they often happen in a therapy relationship.  it sounds like you're in the beginning stages of simply trying to find your feet under you.  that's always a shaky phase.  as you keep going, you'll get stronger, and find more balance. 

so glad you found this place.  to me, it finally felt like i found the place where i'm known and understood.  and that was a great feeling.  i dearly hope you can find some of that here.

[Dutch Uncle]

Not too long, never too long. This is what we do for each other here - we bear witness to each others' pain when no one else did, we celebrate each others' accomplishments that are huge for us but other people may not "get", we'll listen to the same story as many times as you need to tell it.

Don't worry about where you put it, just let the conversation take its natural course. We're here for you! 

Now I talk in parts but I intellectualise and explain within psychological terms/theories, analyse and draw connections between today and my childhood and avoid the emotions.

I guess intellectualizing is still a step forward, no? Before this you had no access whatsoever, or at least more limited access. Intellectualizing is already expanded consciousness, no?
But perhaps I'm intellectualizing as well now. 

She has worked a lot on trying to make me feel safe and secure in sessions to talk about thinks - but I still can't get my head wrapped around the unevenness of the therapeutic relationship and what I perceive as a lack of relevance.  Furthermore, the expectations in my heart are beyond what is fair.

I hear an Inner Critic, judging you.
What if your expectations are fair?

I want to explain/share what I remember of an early sexual abuse experience as my emotions triggered in therapy seem to be associated with this as it keeps triggering the limited memory that I have.  I have tried to talk once and I froze, I have never been able to share it with anyone (even in writing) and feel foolish for it.

I can relate. It took me multiple sessions, multiple therapies even, before I could finally say out loud what I had kept inside for so long.
It's OK to freeze up.
There will be a day you won't.
Perhaps just for a little bit, the first time. This was the case for me. I froze again, almost immediately. Yet, the die had been cast.
For others the flood gates just open, or so I've heard.

All in your own good time, Laila.

[Sandstone]

Hi laila,
I can relate to being fine on the day you see your therapist but not always on the days in between.  What I started to do, kinda like sanmagic suggested,  was whenever I was having those down moments or bad days or EF's,  I would write them down
In my phone there and then. Just basic outlines about the particular situation I was in/feeling.  I would then go through them with my therapist.  I found it helpful as I would always forget to tell her important stuff  that had happened.

[Laila]

Thank you everyone for your responses.  They are very much appreciated.  I have notes ready to use, but the test will be seeing if I have the courage to use them.  Or if I feel too uncomfortable for needing them.

I do prefer to be asked questions - so that is something to be mindful about and bring up.  I also like to know my therapist opinion, but she rarely gives it. 

I have been seeing my therapist for almost a year and I still freeze and can't talk about things - I still feel that I am in early days...  I just wonder how long the early days go on for.  To be honest I thought that I would have made more progress.  However, my therapist happens to just have all those (positive) qualities that seem to trigger me into almost being unable to function (which means so many issues are at the surface ready to be addressed)..  So frustrating.

Thank you again for all your responses.

[sanmagic7]

just curious, laila.  what kinds of positive qualities does your therapist have that make you so uncomfortable?  is that something you could talk to her about?  i, too, wanted more feedback from my therapist, and i ended up telling her that.  i said that i wanted her input, wanted to feel like we were working on this together, wanted her feedback as to whether she thought i was on the right track or moving off it. 

glad you made some notes.  i hope they are helpful for you, and that your next session feels like you made a little more progress.  best to you with this.  it can be a challenge, but it sounds like you're taking steps forward, which i think is a very positive thing.

[kenedy]

Hi Laila!
I am also new here so that I hope we can get advantage from each other.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, kenedy!

[sanmagic7]

glad you're here kenedy.  hope you find some connections and support here.  i have and it's been wonderful.