lack of boundaries and revictimization

[Dee]

I am doing so much better with boundaries than I use to.  I am less passive and less resigned.  I hope today if I had a guy ask me out and when I say no ask to be my friend I wouldn't feel obligated to say yes. Boundary issues led to my stalker on some level.  A person with better boundaries probably would have been more firm and less polite.  I am not saying it is my fault, but not learning boundaries has certainly led to revictimization on several occasions. 

I've been beating myself up about this and I have been reminded on how far I have come.  I was also reminded that I was going to mental health for treatment too.  That this guy preyed on a vulnerable person.  I also found out that female staff have had issues with him, but of course it didn't escalate to the level it did with me.  Probably because of physical boundaries and them being more firm with him.

I am trying to use my voice and empower myself by filing a report.  On Thursday this guy showed up an hour early to his appointment and was there when I came for my appointment.  I had tried to work my appointment on the half hour so we wouldn't be outside at the same time.  I wanted to be there  so I could come and leave before he would.  Staff called the campus police because they felt he was there so early to intimidate me.  So now it is clear I have to file a restraining order.  So a restraining order is demanding my boundaries be respected.  It's giving myself a voice.  This is so hard for me and uncomfortable.

So I feel that one of the biggest things my abuse took away from me was my voice, boundaries, and the ability to protect myself.  I also feel this is probably the most vital thing I have worked on in therapy.

[sanmagic7]

wow!  i agree with you, dee, the boundary thing and personal empowerment (to be able to use our voice, to not be intimidated about making a scene, to be 'impolite' - dang, how many times have i experienced that!!!) is vital to us in our lives, for our lives.

i'm so very glad that the people there know what's going on and have done what they can to help and protect you.  brava for you that you're going ahead with the restraining order.  that really is a scary thing to do - like you said, it is demanding that your boundaries be respected.  not something many of us are comfortable doing.

good for you, and well done.  you rock!  love and hugs!!!

[Three Roses]

I totally agree with everything said so far. Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries was a skill we were not taught at best, and at worst we had trained out of us!

I applaud you for your self awareness, strength and courage. Bravo!

This article has been posted here before but it is SO good, it bears repeating. Full article http://www.new-synapse.com/aps/wordpress/?p=1911

In part, it states:

"Trauma destroys boundaries. If a person is in a situation in which their boundaries are too deeply invaded, they may lose the ability to feel or sense their boundaries anymore. If their voice is completely silenced, they won't know what they want to say no to and what they want to say yes to. If they have been through this kind of situation too many times, they may find it impossible to formulate in their mind what would be a healthy boundary and what would not be, and by extension, they may have trouble knowing what constitutes self-care and what doesn't."

[Dee]

Wow, that article nailed it.  Thank you for sharing.  I missed it the first time.  I just felt like, yes, that is exactly what happened.  It takes so much to learn boundaries too.  It doesn't come all at once and there are times I forget my voice.  I do feel like I am getting there.  I am at least understanding what my rights are now.  It doesn't come naturally to me.  I have to dig deep.  It took two years of therapy to get here, but well worth it.

[sanmagic7]

thanks for that, 3 roses.  it really explains a lot for me.  especially being silenced.  i really feel like my emotions were not just neglected, but denied - a much stronger verb in my mind.  and, without my emotions, i literally was floating.  how do you make boundaries when you're somewhere in the air?  there's nothing tangible to relate to.

dee, you really have come a long way.  i'm so very happy for you.  and, onward you go.  it's so great to be watching this for you.  yay!   love and hugs to you on such an accomplishment.