I had a 'lightbulb moment ' today

[Eyessoblue]

Hi everyone. Today I had my second session of cbt which I found very positive. We are talking about self compassion and self soothing which I totally lack the skills of! -Anyway, we got talking about my compassion towards other people and not to myself, I have a hundred percent compassion for everyone else just not me. I told her that if friends buy me coffee or lunch or anything, I'm left with this guilt that they shouldn't buy for me/ I don't deserve it etc, as I was talking something inside my head clicked and I was taken back to my childhood when I remembered that after every encounter of either sexual or physical abuse, I was rewarded  with either money or presents, therefore people buying me things in my mind tells me that they want something from it, I have been unable to accept that 'friends' are being genuine in their ply to want to buy me things as a 'friend' and not want/expect anything back from it. This was a real 'moment ' for me and I've realised now why I feel so uneasy about people doing nice things for me- I'm always looking for what do I have to do in return, which of course with my friends is nothing but it's only today that I've realised this. I feel a lot clearer in my mind now that my friends are genuine people and I need to accept their generosity rather then look at it negatively. My mind is feeling calm today. I've also been told to take my inner critic by the hand and tell her that we are going to work on this together and not battle against each other, as hard as that maybe, I can see that I can do that and stop this inward negative battle.

[Three Roses]

Wow! Sounds like some important work you've done! Bravo, good job you! 

[hurtbeat]

Agreed! Go you!

It doesn't seem unusual to have this problem with receiving things from friends and loved ones, I think it can make the recipient feel vulnerable in general and especially in your case!
Hopefully you'll be able to trust that there is no requirement on you in the future and that you can stand your ground if anyone should expect something of you after giving you gifts.

[Eyessoblue]

Thank you both of you yes agreed with what you both said!