FINDING MY FEELINGS

[Armee]

 

My heart says you don't owe him anything. Just because he's blood doesn't mean you have to subject yourself to someone who has been physically verbally  and emotionally violent to you. If he has somehow changed his ways and wants to make true amends, I think that would show through in the way in which he contacts you. I think it would be ok and very protective and loving to ignore any request for communication that doesn't show someone who has grown and changed and is ready to make true amends.

[Moondance]

Thank you Armee   

I agree with you Armee and thank you for your input - much appreciated.

This reminded me Armee that I have sat down with most of my FOO to make amends, asking for their forgiveness for my wrong doings - to take responsibility for my part. I certainly did not do that years ago expecting anything in return but talking about it know  I do not recall any of them coming to me and taking responsibility for any wrong doings towards me.  Oh well at least I did my part.

I hope your visit with past co-worker went okay Armee.

[Papa Coco]

Moondance,

I like your shark emoji to describe your FOO. I have been known to tell people that I was raised by sharks, and anytime I felt vulnerable, they sensed the blood in the water and had feeding frenzies on me. They'd all believe whatever lies were being told, and I'd be, once again, ganged up on by my own F*****g family.

I didn't fully estrange until I was 50 years old. My reason for waiting so long is that I believed them all those years; that I was the cause of all their misery. But in 2010, they finally became so ugly that even I couldn't love them anymore. Estrangement happened, my creativity was unleashed, and my life improved many times over.

I'm glad to hear you were able to make your decision yesterday. I support it fully.

[sanmagic7]

 

[rainydiary]

I resonate with one sided experiences in relationships. 

[Moondance]

Thank you so much Rainydiary, Sanmagic7, and Papa Coco for your support, for relating, and always encouraging in a gentle caring way.  I'm just recognizing  this,  that I feel a  comfort whenever hearing from any of you. 

****TRIGGER WARNING -CSA****


It has been a tough week.  I started off the week with a memory of my 16 year old self in a very unsafe, un-cared for situation that my father put me in.  The memory did not include SA, only a feeling that something bad happened.  Or it could be as a result of drinking so much alcohol.  I remember waking up on a bed crying, sobbing uncontrollably.  I believe I was in a stupor from the alcohol. 

My dad was away for the weekend and he left me with his friends to look after me.  Are you kidding me???!!!! These men, I do not recall any women there ( just started to feel dizzy and nauseated)  were not to be trusted with a 16 year old.    That's enough for now but that is how my week started.

This situation happened maybe 6 months after I had been raped at gunpoint, blamed for putting myself in that situation, then put in a psych ward, then kicked out by my M and moved in with my biological father, who was an alcoholic with no morals.    I was in a vulnerable state to say the least.

And I still have the gull to sometimes believe I'm an imposter, that really this wasn't all that bad.  My FOO told me they loved me, they provided shelter, food, clothing, etc.  I should be grateful and stop making such a fuss.

The only thing is I can barely function anymore. 

It is good to write this all down however difficult for me and most likely most of us.  I can remember things that happened, and have but I have also been able to forget them again or stuff them somewhere not to be remembered again for awhile.  Writing it down for me makes it real.

I'm getting super frustrated because every word I type is wrong because I'm hitting the wrong Keyes.  Grrrrrrr!!!

[Armee]

I'm sorry. Moondance. Whether they loved you or not this was massive harmful neglect. Which is a failure on their part to adequately protect you.  I'm sorry these things happened. You do not need to feel bad about feeling anger or disappointment toward people who did not take care of you properly. And they did not. And they have not made amends. You get to feel however you feel. You've been through too much. It makes sense to go through periods of time where functioning is difficult. Be gentle about that. You'll get on your feet again. The bad stretches are not permanent. I'll hold that belief  for you for now.

[Armee]

Oh my gosh I'm actually so angry at them. How could they take a 16 year old who they know has gone through a massive trauma at the hands of men and put her in a situation like that??? Even if they were safe, which I doubt they were, how would anyone feel in that situation after what you'd been through?

[Moondance]

The tears are flowing because I feel acknowledged - thank you for hearing me, jt means so much.

This is a place for me to heal, no doubt in my mind, heart and soul about that.   I'm just so thankful for finding this forum.

And thank you for holding that belief that the bad stretches are not permanent, that feels so supportive for me.

I always read the whole posts but often respond to the 1st point or 2 and forget the rest.  My retention is really bad.

[Papa Coco]

Moondance,

I'm mortified by your stories of how your parents pushed you into these abusive situations at only 16.  OMG!  I'm so so sorry that this was done to you.

I can sense the anxiety you're feeling right now and I don't blame you. I'd be the same way if I were telling these stories. The way you have a hard time typing, is so like me. I can tell I'm in a frustration when I can't stop fat-fingering every single word. I believe that a sudden loss of ability to type is a form of stress-induced dissociation. A common C-PTSD trait.

I want to address your concerns about that problem most of us on the forum have, that we feel like we don't deserve to complain, and that everyone else's life was worse than ours and we feel ashamed of airing our "non-problems", when in reality, you are correct, it does NOT matter which of us had the worst childhoods.  Every single one of us on this forum is dealing with trauma disorders that did not come to us from having a couple of bad days in our lives. Trauma disorders come from serious, life-threatening situations. Each of us has the equal right to air our stories, because each of us has the trauma disorders to prove they were bad stories. I'm glad to read that you seem to have a handle on that.

My theory is that we lived our lives minimizing what was done to us so that we could survive it. Humans are resilient, and some of that resilience is found in minimizing our pain and moving on with it. I think that we have all reached an age where we realize we've minimized our pain long enough. Like capping off a leaking hose, eventually the pressure builds up and the hose bursts. We're all to that point of bursting, which is why each of us went out onto the web and searched out this forum. We're here because minimizing our childhoods didn't work.

I'm very sorry to hear what you've been through, but very glad you are able to articulate it, and share it with people who are kind and compassionate and able to fully grasp the pain it caused you. You're NOT alone in that respect.  I hope that our compassion and understanding is helpful to you as you recover these memories and share them with people who can be trusted.

[Moondance]

 

Papa Coco,

Yes Papa Coco- every single time I am on tge forum, whether I am able to write or not, or read posts, or learn something, I almost always feel I can exhallllllle afterwords.

PS - I also laughed out loud at your post about the dent in new car.  Thank you for being transparent, always.

[sanmagic7]

moondance, i share armee's anger at having you put into a dangerous situation w/o care or consideration.  so harmful, so abusive, so negligent.  and you're right, a lot of us try to 'shoo' our reality away by telling ourselves it wasn't that bad, others have gone thru much worse, i should've done something different . . . that's the insidiousness of trauma.  it tries to make us believe it was us at fault, puts the blame, guilt, and shame on ourselves instead of where it belongs - on the people who did this to us.

none of our abuse is our fault.  it's not your fault, it's not mine.  it was the fault of others, either passively or aggressively.  you're not to blame for your abuse.  at all.  love and hugs

[Moondance]

Thank you so much for all of your support, relating, encouragement - I really so appreciate it.

I've been feeling pretty overwhelmed these past couple of weeks so I haven't really written much.

I have to say though that "Finding my Feelings" is what has been happening.  Really just all over the place;
feeling anger, frustration, triggered, sad, mad and some glad.  I am thankful for the movement in feeling
as all I really have felt for the past year is major depressed/anxious and unsafe.  For me movement of
feeling is good in a way.  But then there is the aftermath of dealing with these feelings and I'm really not
very good at that. 

I avoid a lot of things and that is exactly what I did with Mother's day today.  It's painful on 2 levels for me; the
choice to have children was taken away from me when I was raped and my M sucked.  I've not been in contact
with her for maybe 4-5 years now (I forget) and I'm good with that.    I kept myself distracted today my working
in my yard, preparing for planting on the May long weekend or shortly thereafter.  I haven't planted veggies for
years and will try that this year as well as flowers.  I really enjoy gardening as many of you do as well.  

I think about all of you and hope you are all doing okay. 

[rainydiary]

I hope you found or find your way to the garden. 

[natureluvr]

Hi Moondance, your story resonated deeply in me.  I can identify with having a very hard time with relationships, having few people in my life, and isolating at home so much, among other things.  I'm truly sorry they want to cut your therapy short, especially after you have found a good therapist.  I'm very glad you have found us.  This is an outstanding group of people here.  I don't post too much, but post when I can.